I Think – He Did
Kakashi Iruka AU
Disclaimer: Naruto's not mine; nothing is, really. Okay, the story is, but I somewhat gave it to you, so I don't own it completely anymore, either. I'd love to read what you think about it, though! ;)
Warnings: A lot of thinking going on. And an extra long author's note for those who are interested.
It wasn't supposed to be happening like this – not now, that I finally had made up my mind.
I had had a plan! I talked to people, made them do what had to be done to make this evening the perfect time to go through with what I felt was right – and just now I have to watch you walk into a gay erotic store with some imbecile hanging from your arm.
You walk straight into an erotic shop with a filthy man whore at your side, right in front of my eyes, and I feel my world crumble around me.
A few phone conversations later my friends know they don't need to prepare anything anymore; not for me, not for you, not for us.
I will return the ring tomorrow…
"I don't think I have time for you today," the clipped voice of his friend informed him. "Or any other time, really."
Iruka paused at that. What's with the hostility all of a sudden? He thought he was on good terms with his boyfriend's friends – they knew each other since five years, after all. But Kurenai's voice had sounded final, as did the resounding CLICK of a slammed phone.
Quickly he dialed Asuma's number, determined to learn what he had done to Kurenai to deserve such harsh treatment.
"Iruka." Nothing in the sturdy man's voice made Iruka feel welcomed on the phone.
"Hello, Asuma," he tried nonetheless. "I was just wondering what Kurenai-"
"Not my business. I have to go." Another click ended this call as well. To say Iruka was confused was an understatement and he was tempted to make just another phone call; maybe Yamato…? It couldn't be a coincidence none of Kakashi's friends wanted to talk to him – he needed them to talk to him!
When he had gotten home Kakashi had been nowhere to be found – that had been hours ago and he still hadn't come home.
It was their five years anniversary and Iruka had planned to make it something special for Kakashi; as luck would have it he was alone at home, not knowing where his boyfriend was gone.
Not even Gai had answered Iruka's phone calls; something that worried the man a lot. The energetic man usually knew where Kakashi was at all times – only one of his creepy talents.
So Iruka was sure he knew the desired information now as well, but didn't want to share it.
That Iruka had tried Kakashi's cell phone repeatedly was a given, but he only got the voice mail and had left several messages, every single one testament of his worries.
Where had his boyfriend gone on their special day?
One hand raked through his shoulder length hair while the other picked at his crotch. His surprise was beginning to get more and more uncomfortable.
"Kakashi, wherever you are, please call me!" You sound pathetic and it makes me laugh; a sound just as pitiful as your whining. Serves you right, bastard, for playing with my feelings like it is no one's business.
It had taken a lot of convincing to get me to cave in to your wooing – a lot of people had told me to let go of my self-chosen singledom and give 'the earnest young man' you were a chance to show me how much better life could be with a significant other; not to speak of how much better the sex would be.
Back then I had insisted my sex life was just fine; Mrs. Palmer had some lovely daughters after all, but Asuma had given me that look, cigarette dangling from his lips and eyebrows raised doubtfully.
"You'd be surprised how much better the real thing is, compared to your written porn and 'Mrs. Palmer's daughters'."
I had known that; I wasn't a virgin, okay?! I just couldn't be bothered with a serious relationship – you know, thanks to my father I am blessed with some serious trust issues as well as fear of loss.
Fears and issues that burn deep inside of me – for a while you had fought those fires, now you only fueled the flames.
"Please, at least let me know you are alright!" Another voice message, another plea sobbed in the voice of a beggar. You… person don't have the right to sound this desperate! It is your fault I chose to vanish from sight, after all!
When my phone rings again I expect it to read 'Umino, Iruka' in the caller's ID – now I laugh at the thought of making you a Hatake – but it isn't you. The all but "youthful" ringtone tells me Gai wants to talk to me. Too bad I don't want to talk to him. Too bad I don't want to talk to anyone.
A low beep! announces another incoming message, another futile attempt at gaining my attention. I will ignore it, just like I'll ignore any further advances of the world in general – life has taught its lessons and I won't struggle anymore.
I still need to get my things, though. Now that I have decided to return to being a perverted eremite, I need my porn and my favorite lube. Good thing I have a tube of that stashed away, a tube that hasn't been contaminated by you, cheating scum that you are.
"Now it's just the two of us, Mrs. Palmer," I say to my hand, frowning. "Well, us, your daughters and my dogs."
The ring that was once supposed to rest on someone else's 'Mrs. Palmer' weighs tons in my bag.
When the church clock struck ten o'clock Iruka got more than worried. What if something had happened to Kakashi? He never forgot about his dogs, but now they were just as unsettled as he Iruka was, though that had more to do with not having been outside the whole day – their master's mate had refused to leave the apartment even for the shortest of walks with the pack, and they didn't want to risk either human's wrath by taking a leak on the carpet.
It got more pressing by the minute…
"Silence!" Iruka screamed over the deafening noise of the whining dogs. His nerves were wearing thin with worry; he usually wasn't one for screaming at innocent animals – as far as Kakashi's dogs could be considered innocent – but the day's events were getting to him.
In an almost desperate attempt to take his thoughts away from those worries Iruka jumped up and grabbed the handful of dog leashes next to the door. That action caused the pack to double their noise level, this time in relieved excitement.
Bull, the gigantic boxer, scratched at the door, desperate to reach the next tree in sight, only second to the little pug Pakkun who sat on his back while yowling pitiable. He gave Iruka an almost human like look that begged for relieve.
Iruka chuckled, despite the horror images his mind came up with; images of Kakashi beaten up in some dark alley, covered in dirt and blood…
As soon as all leashes were hooked in the collars and the door was opened Iruka found himself being dragged out of the apartment, hanging from the batch of leashes like a comet tail behind the gathered power of eight desperate dogs.
It was a comical sight: All eight dogs crowding around a single sakura tree and raising their legs; it didn't take a lot of imagination to hear them sighing out in blissful relief.
After the last one finished his business Iruka was dragged down the street; every one of the canines seemed to know where to go, so Iruka simply tagged along, not that he had any choice in the matter.
Down the road, across another street, always towards the woody outskirts of Konoha they went – rounding corners and walking along the walk until they reached an idyllic lake hidden in the depths of the Konohan forest.
The dogs barked excitedly, wagging their tales and watching their caretaker for the day as if they were expecting something specific. Now Iruka finally understood why Kakashi always took that long when he was out with the dogs – the pack went swimming!
Kakashi never took him with them when he walked his dogs. He said he had to be alone with the pack, so they would see him as their single Alpha; that was necessary since the eight dogs could easily best him should they unite their forces. Iruka always had thought that to be a ridiculous sort, they were only dogs!, but had learned better today. Bull alone was a forced to be reckoned with!
The man detached the leashes and the pack jumped into the lake the very second they were set free.
They reminded Iruka of his boyfriend – seemingly intimidating and dangerous, but easily excited by everyday things like a swim in the sea. And they liked to be scratched at different parts of their bodies. He sank down on the waterside, lost in thoughts and worries.
What had happened to Kakashi?
Are those my dogs barking and yowling in delight? Seems so, there aren't any other people with whole packs of dogs living nearby. But how did they get here?
I'm sorry for having abandoned them for the day, but how was I supposed to take care of them since you live in the same apartment? I wanted to avoid you, so I did, at the cost of my dog's well-being.
Thinking about our shared apartment has me remembering how it had come there is a shared apartment in the first place – that day hadn't felt that different from earlier today…
There had a present been involved, too; similar to the present that poisons my mind right now, resting in a box in my fist.
"Oh please! You're a dentist – you should be used to have something in front of your face!" Iruka said playfully.
"I am used to it, but usually I wear the mask in front of my mouth instead of my eyes."
"You should try it sometime, the look works for you!"
You had way too much fun for my liking. It was bad enough I had been coaxed to give in to this stupid game of Pot Hitting, but with you nearby, laughing your delectable ass off?!
"Aren't you supposed to give me some hints where to search? And supplying me with some sort of wooden spoon club to beat the pot up?"
"Uh uh," Iruka chided. "Every cooking utensil is a weapon in your hands and I don't want you to beat anything up. Your hands will do just fine and you aren't supposed to find a pot – I am the thing you're searching for."
That piqued my interest instantly, as well as it confused me. "Searching for you?"
"Yes, 'Kashi, I want you to find me; and as soon as you got me I'll explain-… the next step." Why did you sound so excited? The next step could only mean we'd have sex and that wasn't something either of us would get nervous about, not after having been together for a whole year – to the day exactly
Iruka didn't plan to leave him, did he? He wouldn't escape through the door while Kakashi was blindfolded and helpless, never to be seen agai-
"Calm down, Kakashi; I'm not going anywhere, so there's no need to be hyperventilating."
Your soothing voice calmed me down immediately. A leopard can't change his spots, I guess, but you as always you managed to bring me back to my senses.
"Okay, 'Ruka. Thank you! And now hide, so I can hunt you down!" Good thing I knew your apartment as good as I knew my own.
Some shuffling, some silent cursing (you would never be found cursing aloud, your teacher job didn't allow that), and then: "Okay, you can come now."
"I'd rather have you around when I do that…" I sniggered and began my quest for the Hidden Teacher treasure.
"Waaay too cold over there, 'Kashi!" you chuckled, your voice giving away where you hid.
"You know", I complained. "It's mean to hide on the couch where I can't reach you easily while robbing around on my knees."
"I'm quite enjoying the sight of you on your knees, 'Kashi; and I'm not hiding on the couch so please stop complaining."
I liked that playful side of you, liked what your sultry voice did to my libido, and doubled my efforts in rounding the couch to reach you. When I lay my fingers on you I realized my thumbs brushed over naked skin, my digits splayed over your taught stomach, without finding an annoying layer of cotton. "'Ruka?"
"Further down, 'Kashi," you whispered into my ear. "You might like what you find there…"
Travelling fingers followed the line of your smooth skin, down your sides and counting muscles, until they reached a foreign, cold obstacle. It felt like "A chastity belt?"
I didn't need my eyes to know there was a blush coloring your whole body. "Y- Yeah."
One of my hands found your face without fail and I turned your head in my direction; I had known you'd turn away from me, embarrassed of the situation, even though you had been the one to pull it off. Reassuring you with both words and shy kisses, all without being able to see your reaction, I caressed your glorious body with my fingers.
"Is there a key included in the package?" I mumbled against your lips. I had checked the lock that held the chastity belt together, and found it resisting to my insistent probing, pulling and poking.
"I'll have you know this is custom-made." Your voice filled my ears with silken words, meaning so much more than they actually said. You had spent a lot of money, just to indulge me and my (recently discovered) kinks, even against your own shyness when it came to anything sexual. A shyness you slowly began to get rid of, obviously.
"And now's where the explaining starts." I didn't like you bringing more distance between us, but I let you. "You see, 'Kashi, not only is the belt custom-made, but the lock, too. It's usually found in doors. Front doors, for example. It so happens that the key to the lock of this belt is the same as the key to my apartment door, and I thought since I'm yours, why not make my apartment yours, too?"
"I- Iruka?"
"Move in with me, Kakashi?"
Half of my things were over at your place either way, as were the dog's toys. And what really mattered already lived here, too, so I caught in my arms again and nuzzled your neck. "I'd love to!"
But before I moved into your apartment, I moved you out of your belt and me into your body. Blindfolded I thrust my trust in you, all night long.
I can't believe it's been only four years since then. Back then everything was okay, has been until today. We had our ups and downs, we fought, we made up, we got out stronger than we went in, and now all is in vain.
Everything shattered, because I'm not enough. I've never been – not for you, not for my dad, even my dogs can manage without me, thanks to you.
But I won't give up on my dogs, my pack. They think I'm their Alpha, but it's the other way around. I need them more than they need me; even more so now, now that I've lost my own Alpha, now that I lost you.
Will you cry when I tell you I know the truth about you and what'shisface? Will you even pretend to be hurt? Sad? And would you please stop calling me?! The buzzing of the vibrating and ringing cell phone rattling against the velvet box containing the shards of our relationship is driving me crazy.
A thousand times Iruka had cursed Kakashi's ringtone, for disturbing some quality time, for cutting their mornings short and tearing them apart whenever one of Kakashi's patients thought it a good idea to call their dentist on his free day.
But right now it was like angel's harps to him, hearing Kakashi was somewhere nearby and not in some grungy alley. Didn't mean his love was fine, though – Iruka still needed to find the man, in one piece, preferably.
"Kakashi, are you there?" Iruka's call stayed unanswered. "Pakkun," he changed tactics. "Where's Daddy, hu? Where's your Dad?"
The look that gained him would have been more than Iruka could take, the pug giving him a stare that clearly said what the dog thought of him, but the teacher was desperate. "Okay, I'm sorry. So would you please find Kakashi for me?"
A bark was the only answer he got before the whole pack turned into a single direction and strolled along an invisible path; they had the strolling down, that was for sure. Probably thanks to their master being the king of strolling.
It only took a few minutes to reach a clearing in the woods where some grounded cigarettes indicated someone had sat there. At least Kakashi didn't drown in his own blood, but he was nowhere to be seen, either.
"'Kashi?! Please! I know you're around here!" Embarrassed and angry Iruka wiped away some tears that had gathered in his eyes while he turned around and looked deeper into the dark forest. While it was at least somewhat bright at the lake, where the full moon could shine down on the water surface, the woods were pitch-black. "Kakashi?"
"Why did you come here, Iruka?" The addressee swiveled around, scanning the darkness for movements that gave away the other man's position.
"I was worried sick! Why didn't you come home? I was waiting for you all day long! And the dogs were too! And you didn't answer any of my calls and our friends were strange and-"
"Iruka," Kakashi interrupted. "They know, that's why they are strange."
"They know what?" The relief of finally having found his wayward boyfriend was wearing thin already.
"What I know."
"And what's that?"
You really try to rile me up, don't you, Iruka? "Do I really have to say it? Having had to see it was hard enough as it is."
It hurts, so damn much. It hurts to have this talk with you, hurts even more than seeing you with your new whore, entering that porn shop. I don't want to have to do this, don't want to see once more what I can't have. Don't want to learn I can't be happy, complete.
"Don't make me say it, Iruka. Please, just go and pretend I said it, I ended it, so you won't have to feel bad. Even though you should."
Your eyes are still searching the trees for any sign of me. For one second I thought you had found me, it felt like you were staring right into my core, but you didn't. Your gaze wandered away again, focusing on a new spot so you wouldn't miss any movements there. There wouldn't be any, except for my dogs. You should have focused on the dogs instead of the trees – every single one of them had come to me and greeted me with a friendly nudge of their cold, wet noses.
"I don't understand, 'Kashi…" Your whispering sounds pathetic, just like your voice messages sounded. Just a few seconds ago you seemed so happy to have found me, to finally be able to end this, and now you're playing that pity card again? I snort.
"Now it's 'Kashi again? Just drop it, Iruka; we both know what you did today. Thinking about it hurts enough as it is, I won't say it out loud." I feel my shoulders drop, along with my hands, as if all energy has left me over the words. "Just pretend I did and go. And make sure you won't be in the apartment tomorrow, I need to get my things."
Eventually the tears I had held back since I talked to my friends roll down my cheeks, tainting not only my face, but my voice too. "I need to get what's left of my life. You have taken so much from me today, I hope there's still something left that I can get, at all."
"I- What-? Kakashi, what are you talking about?!" Your act is convincing. I almost buy what you are trying to impersonate. Confused lover, hu? You were always great at charade.
Before I answer I drop the box with the now superfluous ring into my pocket again. Time to face the consequences of my life as an insufficient human. Your eyes immediately zero in on my form, it doesn't take even a second for you to check my body for injuries and then focus on my eyes.
You won't find any physical injuries, Iruka, I didn't fall that low. I was tempted, oh so tempted to do, but I'm stubborn like that. I won't be dragged down by another fail – I got used to disappoint people, got used to not be enough. I'd tell you to ask my father how disappointing I must have been as a child to drive him into suicide. As long as you won't kill yourself I'm fine.
You may be cheating scum, but you still are Iruka, my Iruka that I used to love with all my might. I won't hate you, I never could. But I will ignore your existence as much as I can.
"I wanted this day to be special, Iruka. I had Shikaku call Choza to make a reservation for a table; he owed me for helping him cheat on his final exam back in college. Then I asked Inoichi to shower the table in rose petals, let Asuma play the chauffeur for the night and Kurenai choose something for me to wear. I even met with Gai, asking him to search for a violinist who would play all your favorite songs while we ate. I counted in so many favors today, I don't think I have any left should I need someone to bail me out from jail in the future."
"Why would you do all that?" Your eyes look so stunning in the darkness, only highlighted by the pale moonlight enlightening your features. Your giant, deep brown eyes, innocent like a doe's, but full of mischief should the opportunity arise. "I still don't understand-"
"Who are you with, Iruka?" I have to know. I don't want to, but I need to. I need to put a name to the whore that stole my love, my life.
"You." You make it sound so easy, so confident. "Who else could you mean?"
"Who was the man whore shopping with you for porn in the erotic store you wouldn't even look at with me?!" I'm sorry for getting loud, I really am. I'm sorry for making you flinch, for taking a step backwards in surprise and shock. Or is it guilt?
"What man whore? What porn shop? How could you-?" Then understanding dawns, giving way to tears tainting your pretty face. "You saw."
"I saw." There isn't much else left to say, is there?
"But you don't understand-" you begin, but I'm tired of listening to you, of watching your little show you are performing.
"I understand perfectly fine, Iruka. I know what I saw; I saw you enter a porn shop with separated booths in the back, in the company of another man hanging from your arm. And to think I planned to… Never mind, what's done is done. And it seems like we are done."
My reactions are slower than they usually are, and my view is fogged with tears filling my eyes, so I can't dodge you as you throw yourself at me. "'Kashi, you have to listen me out!"
I try to shake you off, but your grip around my waist is steady as you push your face into my chest. It's hard to understand you like this, over the whooshing noise of my blood pulsing in my head.
"You don't understand! I was in the erotic store, but it was for you!"
That has me stop my struggling. "For me?!"
"Yes! I asked Genma to come with me. Today is our day and I wanted to surprise you, but how should I find something surprising without even knowing what to get?" Your voice breaks and you start to cry against my chest, your tears are soaking my shirt.
"Iruka, I-" am speechless, speechless enough not to know how to say that I'm speechless in the first place. I place my arm around your quivering shoulders and pull you closer to me. Wetness rolls down my cheeks and I realize that I'm crying, too; my tears are falling onto your chestnut hair, only to disappear in the soft tresses. I envy them.
"It was so embarrassing in there and I wanted to escape the very second I entered through that stupid pearl curtain. But I was there with a mission, for you. I had something to do, to show you that I still love you, so I stayed. And Genma made stupid jokes and poked me with plugs and vibrators and dildos and asked me which size you were and everything, but I endured it all, for you. For us."
Now you choose to look up, now of every times. Now that my eyes are spilling over with soundless tears and shame. "I love you, Kakashi. And I really was worried when you weren't at home, didn't answer your phone! I can manage without our friends – seems they don't like me right now, anyway – but I can't manage without you! So please tell me what's wrong?"
It's our first anniversary all over again. Your voice, your angelic voice, is fighting all the demons of my past, all the devils that eat away at my soul and you smite them with your love. "Nothing's wrong, 'Ruka, not anymore. I saw you and I thought some terrible things. I said terrible things to you, 'Ruka, and I'm sorry, I am so sorry! Do you believe me? Can you believe me only once more?"
Why are you looking at me with that surprised look? Why aren't you disappointed that I doubted your feelings for me? That I doubted our relationship?
"You're so stupid, 'Kashi!" you whisper, pulling my face down the few centimeters that separate our lips. "I trust you with my life. I believe everything you say. The sky's green? Fine for me! Gai doesn't like green? If you say so – he shouldn't look at the sky then, though. I'll follow you everywhere, Kakashi. Even if you don't want me to – I love you!"
What else can I do, but to love you right back? "I don't deserve you, Iruka. And before you say something: I don't care that I don't. I won't let you go. Never."
And suddenly the weight in my pocket, the tons of doubts and worries I carried since I saw you with that Genma person, vanish and all that remains is resolution. Trembling fingers search my pocket for a little box, containing a little something that might anchor my life.
I drop to my knee, holding one of your hands and looking you straight in the eyes. I can see the smile in your warm orbs, the little tilt of your head and the slightly upturned lips. You know what I'm going to do and I know what your answer will be. But I have to say it nonetheless.
"Iruka, I… I had plans for how this should be happening. We were sitting in the 'Hidden Leaf', having a great dinner Choza prepared for us. Rose petals were surrounding us as some unnamed violinist played your favorite song in the background and you'd be looking at me wearing this exactly suit that Kurenai chose for me. And I'd be holding your hand and be looking into your beautiful eyes, fighting for words. And I'd be holding exactly this box. This box contains all my hopes, all my dreams, my whole life; but all my worries, my nightmares and my fears, too. This is me in a velvet nutshell, cast in a simple gold ring. Without a diamond, that's too girlish." My words make you laugh, giggle almost. Maybe it wouldn't be too girlish after all? "Iruka, will you take me as your husband? Will you take all my fears, my issues, my problems, and outweigh them with your dreams, your hopes, your love?"
"I will, Kakashi, I will!" You almost shout that. Why are you shouting? There isn't anybody around to hear you. "I want the world to hear that I will!" That explains that…
"You have to promise one thing, though," you insist while I slip the ring on your fourth finger.
"Everything, 'Ruka!"
"Promise me to talk to me before you start over thinking things, okay? You need me to explain to you what you see, but don't understand. I'm a teacher after all!"
You always know what I'm thinking, don't you? It should freak me out, it really should. But it doesn't.
Author's note:
I started this while tutoring children. They were working in silence, I was bored in silence, so I got my notebook and began to scribble away. It soon turned out to be an experiment of sorts; that's why it has this unusual form, but it simply happened like this, with first person present and third person past tense narrator. I decided to go along with it and see where it would take me. And you just read the result.
I don't know if anyone is interested in the details of how or why I wrote this – I'll explain it either way, for the ones interested in this. Yes, I'm typing to you, brave soul! :D
Okay, like I said: It started with the first person narrator, without any concept to go with it. I didn't even know what character I was writing for! But it soon crystallized it was Kakashi who told his story, who wanted to share how he wanted this day to be but was thoroughly disappointed. But by whom?
You should have seen the images in my mind at the time. I imagined Kakashi standing half-hidden behind some plant in a shady part of town, observing how his supposed to be fiancé to-be entered the erotic shop he always griped about with a stranger at his side. The fiancé in my head had a spiky, chestnut brown ponytail and a blush and I knew who I was writing about. So it really isn't my fault this turned out to be KakaIru – it was them! ;)
Why the first and third person then? I wanted to have a look into Kakashi's thoughts, wanted to go along with what he felt, and be able to express it as if we were experiencing it right now. Hence the present tense and the first person narrator.
That's why I needed the third person for Iruka. Kakashi couldn't know what Iruka felt, since he wasn't with him, couldn't even see him, let alone talk with him. So we look at Iruka in the past tense, get to know what the teacher felt at the time when he was worried sick about his boyfriend (fiancé by now ;) ). Imagine him and Kakashi having a talk about their days later on, when they both are emotionally stable again. This is what Kakashi would hear from Iruka.