Televised Tragedy

It was an ordinary Saturday in Springfield; Homer Simpson went into the backyard and drank some Duff beer in his hammock. Peering over the fence, Ned Flanders asked, "Heydily hodily, simpsoneighbor. How's by you?"

Homer, not wanting to talk to Ned, replied, "Nothing. Nothing's by me, what's it to you."

"I just wanted to say hello to my neighbor."

"Say hello to your other neighbor."

So Ned went to the other side of the lawn and had a conversation with his other neighbors.

Inside the Simpson's house, Bart and Lisa were parked in front of the television, watching their favorite cartoon "Itchy and Scratchy". In it, Scratchy, the cat, walked down the street when he comes upon a new gym. He walks inside, and Itchy, the mouse, shows him to a treadmill. Little does Scratchy know, however, that the treadmill is actually 14 saw blades aligned side by side. Scratchy's feet are sliced to pieces.

Bart and Lisa laughed hysterically as the cartoon finished. When the cartoon was over and cut to commercial break, Lisa went to her room to work on her science project. Miss Hoover will be so proud, she thought, as will Mom and Da… well, maybe Dad won't care so much. But Mom will be proud.

Lisa returned downstairs just in time for the show to come back. Their favorite clown was sharing his fantastic news with the crowd before him.

"Hey hey, kids!" he exclaimed. "Kids, great news! Next weekend, Krusty could be coming to ANY ONE of your houses! Not only will there be a live performance right in your living room, you will get to meet two of your favorite performers: Sideshow Mel, and ME!!!"

The kids in the studio cheered. Sideshow Mel made excited noises with his slide whistle. Krusty laughed.

"Now here's the deal: Send me a story with all of the words on your screen"—Sideshow Mel held up these words on a cue card for the children in the studio—"and the story that makes me laugh the hardest will win!!

"If your story wins, I'm coming to YOUR HOUSE!!

"And here's the best part! Runner-ups will receive a signed photograph of me with Mr. Teeny! My signature ALWAYS looks different, so each one is unique!!"

The words were: "Pickle, derriere, racket, earthworm, endeavor, pianist, quest." A child in the audience raised his hand.

"Krusty, why did you pick the words you picked?"

Krusty responded, quite truthfully, "I picked them by closing my eyes and pointing to them in the dictionary.

"Now remember- I need to get these stories by the coming week, or I am NOT coming to your house! That's all! Bye-bye!!"

Bart and Lisa each wrote their own story. They argued with each other about whose would win.

"Mine's going to win," argued Bart, "because you have no sense of humor!"

"No, mine is going to win," rebutted Lisa, "because you won't be able to use any of those words correctly!"

"Nonsense, you two," intervened Homer, stepping into the house, "neither of you is going to win. Nobody's going to win. It's all a scheme to get kids to actually be creative for once. The story he likes the best is just going to be part of his next routine."

Bart was annoyed that his father sounded so sure of himself when trying to haze Krusty.

Bart and Lisa took their stories to their mother, Marge, and asked her to take them to the post office and send them to Krusty.

"You're both entering?"

"Yeah, if we both go in this contest, we've doubled our chance to win!" Bart reasoned.

"Well all right, but please make sure Krusty doesn't come here twice. I only want him in here one time, and that's enough," Marge declared, and she took the stories to the post office.

"I'd like to mail these," she told the mustachioed man behind the counter.

"Oh, by golly, I didn't have any idea, this is clearly not the line in which you MAIL things. That's over there," responded the man, pointing to the line next to him.

"Oh. Well, thanks anyway," Marge said, heading towards the line in question.

"I was being sarcastic. I was making fun of your declaration that you were going to mail these. Of COURSE you were going to mail them, that's why you're in here. Thank you, Captain Obvious."

Marge groaned at the sarcastic man, "Just take them, and I will be on my way."

"Okay, okay!" he assured Marge, "this'll be at Krusty's place by tomorrow."

"Thank you," said Marge as she walked out the door.