Disclaimer: Paramount owns Janeway. I don't!! I do, however, happen to own the Ensign...who happens to be you! Anyway, you know the drill. Yeah. Enjoy!
STARDATE: 0824.01
SUBJECT: PROMOTION
RECIPIENT: ENSIGN U.
Dear Ensign,
It is 0400 hours. I decided against giving Harry the night shift today. After going into my quarters and changing, I had a "gut feeling", as they said in the 21st century...so, on instinct (and since I slept till 1300 hours this morning), I beamed myself to the bridge. Harry Kim, the one ensign I had entrusted with the enormous responsibility of bridge command (no offence, Ensign), was wearing a Cruella DeVil (21st century character) wig, and acting just a little bit...off, to put it mildly (he was doing back-flips that I would have considered beyond his capabilities). Okay...acting very stoned. I relieved him of duty, beamed him to sickbay, and told the doctor to keep an open comm. link with the bridge. Chakotay then stepped off the turbo lift wearing an enormous, neon green wig and saying, "Harry! I'm ready! Sorry I'm late!" (What is it with my bridge officers and big wigs during the night shift?) I relieved him of duty. That would be when he walked off the bridge, sulking. And then of course, there's always Seven. Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix Zero One, she said her name was. I remember the day perfectly. Anyway, Seven commed me not two minutes after the occurrence, to inform me that the Vidyans were approaching on high impulse off our port bow. She didn't sound too friendly. I relieved her of duty. And then, not wanting to be suddenly deprived of my kidneys, I zapped us off in the opposite direction. This did take me a while, longer than I expected, because (since the opposite direction happened to be Borg-infested) Tom would not comply. I relieved him of duty. Obviously, someone who would prefer to lose his lungs than blow up a few Borg spheres-and maybe a cube-would be considered unfit for duty. Then I zapped us off in the opposite direction. Tuvok then had the "gall" (yes, 21st century) to tell me that-and I quote- "the ship cannot function with no one to operate its systems". I relieved him of duty for questioning my orders. Then I all but deleted the doctor's program because his opera was doing a fantastic job...of driving me up the wall! (I may have missed a few subroutines-hopefully not the musical ones-so the damage is probably not irreparable. B'Elanna, surprisingly, was one of the last people on the ship still on duty. She was, actually, the last person on the ship still on duty, apart from you and me. Of course, she had to go and ruin that by comming me to tell me that the warp core was offline and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it. Her voice was just a tad too firm for my liking (what happened to the whole 'be nice to your captain and she'll be nice to you' thing?). I relieved her of duty. Did I neglect to mention that somewhere between finding a neon green wig on my first officer's head and deleting the only medical assistance we have here in the Delta quadrant, I fazered Neelix...with the setting set to kill? I thought it was on stun, honestly I did! But the guy seriously needs (needed?) to replicate himself a coffee maker (21st century coffee-making gadget) with a sign on it that said, SELF SERVICE! I'm tempted to call the Q...or...something. So, I, your captain, am giving you, the only sane person left on this ship, a direct order (are "letters" considered direct orders?). Starting at 0600 hours today, you are to assume the rank of captain. Congratulations on your promotion, Ensign! Or would you prefer (drum roll please...) Captain? If you need me, I'll be in my quarters, enjoying...well, enjoying the ability to enjoy myself! Oh. You can have my ready room. It's OK. Oh, and by the way...if you do run into the Borg, which you might, seeing as this part of space is Borg-infested, as I said before, tell the queen I said hi.
Kathy Janeway
Ex-Captain
U.S.S. Voyager
There is, by the way, a reason I am using such a primitive form of writing (as opposed to a PADD). It is a 21st century form of writing, done with "gel pen" on "notebook paper". It's simple, really. I'm trying to escape back into the 21st century, so I don't have to deal with the 24th century. In the words of Seven of Nine, I am unique. I am Kathy Janeway.
STARDATE: 0824.01
SUBJECT: PROMOTION
RECIPIENT: ENSIGN U.
Dear Ensign,
It is 0400 hours. I decided against giving Harry the night shift today. After going into my quarters and changing, I had a "gut feeling", as they said in the 21st century...so, on instinct (and since I slept till 1300 hours this morning), I beamed myself to the bridge. Harry Kim, the one ensign I had entrusted with the enormous responsibility of bridge command (no offence, Ensign), was wearing a Cruella DeVil (21st century character) wig, and acting just a little bit...off, to put it mildly (he was doing back-flips that I would have considered beyond his capabilities). Okay...acting very stoned. I relieved him of duty, beamed him to sickbay, and told the doctor to keep an open comm. link with the bridge. Chakotay then stepped off the turbo lift wearing an enormous, neon green wig and saying, "Harry! I'm ready! Sorry I'm late!" (What is it with my bridge officers and big wigs during the night shift?) I relieved him of duty. That would be when he walked off the bridge, sulking. And then of course, there's always Seven. Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix Zero One, she said her name was. I remember the day perfectly. Anyway, Seven commed me not two minutes after the occurrence, to inform me that the Vidyans were approaching on high impulse off our port bow. She didn't sound too friendly. I relieved her of duty. And then, not wanting to be suddenly deprived of my kidneys, I zapped us off in the opposite direction. This did take me a while, longer than I expected, because (since the opposite direction happened to be Borg-infested) Tom would not comply. I relieved him of duty. Obviously, someone who would prefer to lose his lungs than blow up a few Borg spheres-and maybe a cube-would be considered unfit for duty. Then I zapped us off in the opposite direction. Tuvok then had the "gall" (yes, 21st century) to tell me that-and I quote- "the ship cannot function with no one to operate its systems". I relieved him of duty for questioning my orders. Then I all but deleted the doctor's program because his opera was doing a fantastic job...of driving me up the wall! (I may have missed a few subroutines-hopefully not the musical ones-so the damage is probably not irreparable. B'Elanna, surprisingly, was one of the last people on the ship still on duty. She was, actually, the last person on the ship still on duty, apart from you and me. Of course, she had to go and ruin that by comming me to tell me that the warp core was offline and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it. Her voice was just a tad too firm for my liking (what happened to the whole 'be nice to your captain and she'll be nice to you' thing?). I relieved her of duty. Did I neglect to mention that somewhere between finding a neon green wig on my first officer's head and deleting the only medical assistance we have here in the Delta quadrant, I fazered Neelix...with the setting set to kill? I thought it was on stun, honestly I did! But the guy seriously needs (needed?) to replicate himself a coffee maker (21st century coffee-making gadget) with a sign on it that said, SELF SERVICE! I'm tempted to call the Q...or...something. So, I, your captain, am giving you, the only sane person left on this ship, a direct order (are "letters" considered direct orders?). Starting at 0600 hours today, you are to assume the rank of captain. Congratulations on your promotion, Ensign! Or would you prefer (drum roll please...) Captain? If you need me, I'll be in my quarters, enjoying...well, enjoying the ability to enjoy myself! Oh. You can have my ready room. It's OK. Oh, and by the way...if you do run into the Borg, which you might, seeing as this part of space is Borg-infested, as I said before, tell the queen I said hi.
Kathy Janeway
Ex-Captain
U.S.S. Voyager
There is, by the way, a reason I am using such a primitive form of writing (as opposed to a PADD). It is a 21st century form of writing, done with "gel pen" on "notebook paper". It's simple, really. I'm trying to escape back into the 21st century, so I don't have to deal with the 24th century. In the words of Seven of Nine, I am unique. I am Kathy Janeway.