5/30/08
It's Christmas morning in the city of New York,
With carolers, parades, and scent of burnt pork.
Though not every Christmas is filled with peace.
Just ask Sam and Max, Freelance Police.
Their appalling office, filled with trash, knick knacks, and vermin secretions,
Was decorated with tawdry made festive decorations.
The pine needles from the Christmas tree were razor sharp around the edges,
With glowing lights made from rusty confiscated syringes.
From a distance, the popcorn strings look normal and festive,
But up close, you realize that it's really asbestos.
Sam and Max looked under the tree,
Their eyes filled exultantly from what they see.
"I wonder why Santa gave us presents after the trouble we caused" Sam asked,
Max answered " I told him the antidote for the poisoned cookies was in the milk glass."
The two started off the morning with one of their old Christmas traditions,
By filling the office with car emissions.
Whoever's still conscious gets to pick his half of the presents,
Than wake up the loser by bashing his head with the car's engine.
For their next tradition for there Christmas filled with malevolence and rage,
They got rid of all the tourists watching the Christmas parade.
The two got out there over sized guns,
And shot the parade balloons, watching the fun.
Sam asked, "What kind of gas did you filled in the balloons this year, Max?"
Max answered, "Old soap from the retirement homes. With a hint of prune flavored lax."
Sam added, "It just wouldn't be Christmas without Irritable Bowl Syndrome."
"Just like a visit to my Aunt in the home."
"Speaking of which," Sam started to speak,
"Did you call the family to tell them where we'll meet?"
Max answered, "I told them to go to the parking lot near our home.
And to come unarmed and alone."
"You might as well go saunter over there. And please, this year don't attack my father."
"Sam, I really hate it when you say saunter."
Max drove the desoto, making sure to hit beggars dressed as Santa on the streets,
While Sam prepared their Christmas junk food feast.
Sam dunked the turkey into flavorful brine,
Made from the orange powder from the bottom of a Cheetos bag and wine.
He the stuffed the bird with pretzels, tortilla chips, Doritos and cheez-its,
Gushers, Oreo's, Styrofoam popcorn that comes in a bag, and a bottle of Squeez-it.
For dessert, Sam made a Jell-O salad,
Mixed with chocolate raisins, Licorice bits, and other heart hazards.
Sam than heard a sound, like zombies feasting on flesh, but wanting more.
"That must be the family beating some shmuck for food near the door."
Sam and Max sat down with their family of canines and lagomorphs,
With their eyes glued on the feast they will gorge.
Sam said "We thank everyone for joining us on this festive occasion,
Wait. Where's Flint Paper? Didn't he get the invitation?"
Max answered, "He's spending Christmas at Church"
"Flint's Christian?"
"No. Beaten up protestors who say 'Happy Holidays' is his Christmas tradition.
But any religion that lets you make wars for no reason is okay by me."
To this Sam said, "You crack me up, little buddy."