A/N: I just cannot get this idea out of my head. Slow Going will be updated soon! Let me know what you think of this one!
Seven months without Rafael by her side and Olivia was still struggling to cope. There has been no contact between them since he left her standing in front of the court house cold, broken, and alone. She still isn't sure how long she stood in that spot hoping he would come back for her, or that she would wake up and find that he wasn't gone, that she'd have had some terrible dream and Rafa would still just be a call away.
Liv got tired more easily these days, the weight of life bringing her down, wearing her out faster each day. If she had been asked what heartbreak felt like after Elliot left without a trace Olivia's answer would be sure and confident. She knows now how wrong she was, that wasn't heartbreak, it was painful yeah but not like this. That pain Liv felt then was a longing this, what she feels now, is a hollowness that she doesn't think can be filled by anyone else.
Noah still frequently asks about Rafael. The six year old doesn't understand what happened to the man that used to be in his life. He cries sometimes, or he used to, kids are more resilient than adults, Olivia realizes. Except, maybe they aren't, maybe they are too perceptive.
Any time Noah cried asking for Rafael to come back, wondering if he was being punished and not allowed to see him, Olivia would cry with him. Through his sobbing Noah sees his mother's tears and after some time figures out she is just as sad and upset as him. Not wanting to see his mother in any way Noah stops bringing it up with her, instead he talks to Lucy, making her promise not to tell Olivia, "because she gets sad and I don't want Mama to be sad." Lucy's feels defeated when he says this, she had seen the difference in Olivia but hearing it from Noah and seeing how protective he is of her, Lucy doesn't think she can take it.
There is a resilience in Noah though, Lucy notices Rafa comes up less and less and his mood improves the longer time goes on. The same can't be said for Liv though, and Lucy isn't the only one who notices, the squad is concerned, Dr. Lindstrom tries to broach the topic, until eventually everyone stops trying. Liv, in an effort to protect herself, simply refuses to discuss the clear absence in her life, in all of their lives', with everyone. Except for Lucia Barba, her biggest saving grace currently.
Mrs. Barba had approached Olivia about a month after Rafael's departure, after she has had time to process everything. Lucia has finally come to terms with Rafi's actions and now that the anger and pain of that has faded she fully understands her little boy, her mijo, isn't there, and she doesn't know where he is. So she reaches out to the one person she thinks Rafi would keep in touch with. She has known for a long time how Rafael feels about Olivia and assumes that, because of this, he couldn't bare to let her go. When Lucia finally works up the courage to visit the precinct she realize just how much she has misjudged her son.
Olivia isn't in her office when Lucia arrives but an officer assures her that the Lieutenant should be returning shortly if she would like to wait in there for her. Sitting herself on the couch Lucia finds herself inexplicably nervous.
While waiting for Olivia she decides to analyze the feeling. Though she has only met Olivia in very brief moments, most often in passing, the way Rafi spoke of her makes Lucia feel as though she knows her. She decides the nerves don't stem from speaking to Oliva at all but from what she might hear. What if Rafael isn't doing well? Or if he had instructed Olivia not to communicate things to her. Before she can think herself crazy Liv returns, striding back into her office with a single-minded focus of completing her paperwork and leaving.
Her plans are derailed when Lucia shoots up from her seat, "Lieutenant Benson, sorry to barge in on you like this, I don't know if you remember me," okay, maybe she is nervous of speaking with Olivia, but not very, "I'm Lucia Barba." Lucia holds out her hand to shake.
Liv is frozen in place the moment Lucia stands, the motion of the older woman thrusting her hand out towards her shakes Liv from her stunned stillness. Shaking her head she tries to clear her mind, reasoning she is missing Rafa so much that she has now started hallucinating his mother into her life. Olivia lifts a hand, but not to shake Lucia's, no, she tries to hold in the sob threatening to bubble up.
Quickly, and still without addressing Lucia, Liv shuts the door and all the blinds to her office. Only then does Olivia turn back to the other occupant. "Of course I remember you Mrs. Barba," Liv says, buts it is all she can manage with her throat clogged with the threatening onslaught of tears.
Lucia drops her hand back to her side when she realizes Olivia isn't going to take it, "maybe this was a bad idea, I should go." Her coat is still on so Lucia bends to grab her bag from the couch and make her way out.
Within seconds Olivia is at her side, a hand on her arm, "no! Don't go, please." The panic in her tone seems to win out over the crying that seeks to pour out of her. "Please don't go," she repeats pathetically.
Sitting on her couch Liv uses the hand on Lucia's arm to give a gentle tug, hoping the woman will sit beside her. Lucia follows Liv's lead and sits. Over the next twenty or so minutes the women connect over Rafael and how much they miss him, how much they want to know where he is and how he is doing. There is some comfort in knowing that there are other important people in his life that are just as cut off from him that each of them feels, though it is hard to take too much comfort in that. There are never tears between them, both women are too stubborn, and too damn proud to cry over Rafael anymore than they have.
The next days, weeks, and months find Olivia and Lucia talking constantly. They text, talk on the phone, meet for coffee, meals, shopping, everything. At some point after they have made this connection with one another Liv has the terrifying realization that, in her mind, she has begun thinking of Lucia as though she is a mother to her. It occurs to her when she nearly calls her "mom." Olivia is so shocked by it that she goes a few days without speaking to Lucia, trying to work out where this came from, she hasn't called anyone mom in nearly twenty years, had barely even referred to her own mother that way. Three days after what Olivia refers to as 'the incident' in her mind she reaches back out to Lucia, apologizing saying she was way too caught up at work. Lucia says that it is okay, she understands. Neither address the reason for her understanding and merely move on to organizing a dinner a Lucia's apartment, arranging for Lucy to bring Noah, which Lucia does for the purpose of convincing Lucy to join them. Lucy understands where Mr. Barba got his persuasiveness from within moments of attempting to decline the invitation, which had really been more of a command.
A routine settles into their lives. The ache of Rafael's absence lessening with the arrival of this new relationship they all have now. Olivia won't admit, or let anyone see, but she is just as hurt and broken as that day in February.
Noah starts first grade in early September and all three, Lucy, Lucia, and Liv all put their energy into the little boy and his school work. Lucia delights in it and begins teaching him Spanish more thoroughly than he is learning in school. With Noah's speech and language delays from earlier in his life he does struggle. Lucia is very patient with him, giving him all the time and attention he needs to really grow in his lessons. By the end of the month he is leaps and bounds ahead of his classmates, his Spanish homework is the easiest of all for him. Noah even refuses help with it, and the adults back off and they see Noah bloom.
Seven months without Rafael by her side and Olivia is still struggling to cope. Hearing Noah and Lucia speak Spanish to one another, it aches in her chest, she misses him so much. In early October, when it is really starting to feel, and especially look, like Autumn Olivia receives a text message from a number she doesn't recognize.
"I'm so sorry about everything." Is all she gets at first. It's all she needs to know who it is.
The three running dots appear immediately after the first message. Apparently he has things to say to her now.
Olivia hates that she can't look away from her phone while waiting for his message. It takes two minutes to come through, Liv has to keep tapping her phone screen to keep it lit up.
"You were the only good thing left in my life anymore and I just cut you out. It wasn't fair, but I couldn't stand the idea that I might bring you down with me. Oh, I knew you would never have said anything, but I could have done it, with the state I was in. At least I thought so, at the time. I am so sorry Olivia. There is nothing in the universe I wouldn't do to make that up to you. I miss you so much, and I don't expect you to feel the same but I miss you. I am on my way back to New York, I'll be there tomorrow. I want to see you, if you'll let me? - Yours, always, Rafa"
His texting hasn't changed, still full sentences with punctuation and everything. She hates that that this is the first thing she recognizes. And then his words break through the fog, he is coming home. Tomorrow.
Shaking Olivia pulls up her calendar, she can barely remember what day it is at this point she is so out of sorts. Thankfully her phone puts the bubble over the date, it's Friday, and tomorrow her, Noah, and Lucia have plans to go to breakfast and a farmer's market near Lucia's house in the Bronx. Liv doesn't know what to do with herself, does she tell Noah and Lucia that Rafael has contacted her? Ask him to join them? Would he want to? Do they want him to? She doesn't even know what time he is going to be back.
Before she is aware of it herself Liv is typing her reply, "have you talked to your mother?"
Well that wasn't what she wanted to say. His response pops up immediately.
"No, just you."
Now that she has brought it up Liv sees no reason not continue with her line of thinking, "talk to her mother."
There isn't a response this time. Olivia lets her phone lock, she still can't bring herself to do anything or think of anything else though, only staring at her black screen. Noah comes into the living room from his bedroom where he had been playing, giving his mom a quizzical look.
The young boy walks in a wide berth around his mother to sit on the other end of the couch before breaking her concentration, "you okay Mama?"
Jolting herself and sitting up straight Olivia shakes her head while bringing the phone she has in a protective grasp into her body, cradling it to herself, "what? Oh, hi sweet boy. Do you want to watch a movie?"
Noah stares at her for a few beats, wondering what might be wrong, he has never seen her act quite like this. Even in his youth, however, Noah is aware his mother will tell him nothing. Relaxing his face into a neutral expression he nods, "yes please, can we watch Megamind?"
Liv smiles at her son, "of course we can, why don't you go put it into the DVD player and I will get us some drinks, we can't have any snacks though because we don't want to spoil dinner."
Giggling Noah asks, "what are we having for dinner?"
This causes Olivia to pause and frown, "hmm, that's a good question. What would you like to eat? Pizza?"
Giving her a sort aghast look Noah simply says, "duh, it's Friday remember?" Appalled that she hadn't assumed they were having pizza like any other Friday night of their lives.
Finally Olivia looks a bit more herself, she even squeaks out a laugh at the exasperation Noah has toward her in her oversight. "Right, you are so right my man, how could I forget?"
Before she can shift herself into a standing position her phone is ringing in her hand. It makes Olivia jump it startles her so much. Looking down at the device Olivia checks the display to see who is ringing her on a Friday night, hoping beyond anything it is Rafael, while dreading that possibility at the same time. It isn't him, though it is a Barba.
Bringing the phone to her ear after opening the line Liv answers, "Hi Lucia, how are you?"
Lucia doesn't address the question, "Rafi called me." Her voice is quiet and wavering, like she is trying not to cry. Olivia closes her eyes at the knowledge, and the jealousy she feels that Lucia got to hear his voice.
There isn't a chance for Liv to say anything though, "he told me you said to talk to me." The woman on the other end of the line laughs, liking how much her son can still be predictable even going months without contact, if ever there was anyone he would listen to it is Olivia Benson.
Still there isn't time for Liv to speak, "thank you."
Olivia nods even though they are on the phone, it's all she is able to manage in reaction, but says, "he said he will be in the city tomorrow."
"Yes, he mentioned. He told me he wants to see you, I didn't say my plans were with you and Noah but I told him where we will be for breakfast," Liv gasps. Before Olivia might have a chance to argue, at least that's what Lucia assumes she would do, she adds, "we can meet up for lunch instead if you don't feel up to seeing him?" It comes out as a question more than a suggestion, she is so unsure of what Olivia might think.
Liv isn't sure what to think, "Noah has been -" Noah has been paying attention this whole time, curious who is talking to his mother, hoping it isn't work. He perks up at the mention of his name.
As does Lucia, but she lets Olivia finish, "Noah has been looking forward to getting breakfast all week." Liv looks at her son who is now smiling and nodding enthusiastically.
"Is that Cia? Can I talk to her? She isn't calling to say she can't come is she?" As quickly as the smile had split his face it recedes and he looks anxious, disappointed that they might not be going to breakfast, or seeing Lucia, who he has come to adore and has taken to calling 'Cia' to avoid mixing her and Lucy's names up.
Dropping the receiver lower, away from her mouth, Liv address Noah this time, "yes it's Lucia, no she isn't calling to say she can't come." Correcting the phone's position Olivia says to Lucia, "Noah wants to speak with you, would you like to tell him who else is coming?"
She is torturing herself, Olivia knows how Noah will react, he doesn't have an ounce of anger in his body, there is no doubt in her mind Noah will be elated to see his Rafa again. So she hands her son the phone and watches him.
Clearing her throat Lucia greets the young boy after he says hola to her, "hola pequeño, cómo estás?" (Hi little one, how are you?)
Eagerly Noah tells her, "muy bien Cia, Mamí y yo vamos a ver una película! Y tú?" (very good Cia, Mama and I are going to watch a movie. And you/How are you?)
"Bien," she says without considering it. Lucia moves on quickly, just as eager as Noah, "Noah puedes Rafi unirse a nosotros mañana en el desayuno? (Good. Noah can Rafi join us for breakfast tomorrow?)
His eyes shoot to his mother's, as if for confirmation, "Rafa's home?!" Noah is actually vibrating with excitement.
Olivia flinches at Noah's volume and hopes that Lucia didn't have the phone pressed too closely to her ear. She can hear Lucia's response of, "he will be tomorrow Noah, would you like to see him?"
Noah jumps up and down, "yes! Can he come to the farmer's market with us too?" His volume is still quite elevated.
Another response from Lucia before the conversation ends, "We can ask him tomorrow okay mi amor? Go watch your movie and be a good boy tonight. I will see you at breakfast, I love you Noah."
It isn't the first time Olivia has heard Lucia say she loves Noah but it feels different this time, stronger somehow. Noah replies in kind and clicks the end call button before tucking himself into Olivia's side rubbing his face against her body. His smile is so wide Olivia can feel it without having to look at him. She leans back into the couch cushions and wraps Noah in a hug against herself. She takes her phone back and orders them their pizza before she remembers she had been on her way to get drinks.
Liv moves to the kitchen and gets them each water and a can of soda, but on the condition that once it is finished, even if he drinks it all before the pizza arrives, that is all he is getting. Noah agrees and focuses his attention on the water first.
The grip on her phone barely loosens the whole time her and Noah watch the movie. She only relinquishes it when the pizza arrives and she can't hold it and eat at the same time.
It is near the end of the movie when it vibrates again.
"May I call you?" He asks simply.
She looks at Noah who, despite all the ingested sugar, is looking rather sleepy before answering. And Olivia knows it is mean to answer like she does but she just doesn't care.
"No"
She lets several long moments pass before she says anything else. He hasn't turned off his 'read' receipts and so she knows he saw what she said, it makes her feel better.
"Noah is almost asleep, I will call you when he is out."
Liv has a reply before her phone can even dim, "I'll talk to you soon then."
She can't help but wonder if he might have been tempted to put a smiling emoji there. He definitely had been tempted.
It is an hour later that Olivia has Noah in his bed falling asleep ten pages into the story. Gently she closes the story book and eases herself from the mattress. Brushing a kiss to his cheek she moves to replace the book in its rightful spot on the bookcase. At least she hopes it right because Noah had insisted on organizing his collection himself and she still hasn't been able to work out what order he has them in.
Another half an hour passes before Liv picks up her phone, she doesn't call him though. Opting to be a coward she shoots him another text message, "I can't talk tonight. I'll see you tomorrow morning."
There is no question Rafael is disappointed with this, "Okay I guess I will see you at breakfast"
No punctuation, Olivia knows she has upset him. She is upset too, he had just left her all those months ago and now he is coming back and she doesn't know what to say. Liv still considers him her best friend, had never been able to bring herself to make it a past tense kind of thing. She hopes not talking tonight won't hurt how things go tomorrow but she needs to be able to see his face when they talk again. Rafael has been gone for seven months, she is only disappearing for a night, with a promised next time, he can wait.
The morning is exhausting. Noah wakes early due to his excitement, Liv has barely slept thinking about breakfast. Olivia manages to get Noah to allow her to sleep an hour longer before he makes her get up. They have to wait outside the diner for Lucia they get there so early, at Noah's insistence. When Lucia arrives the two adults exchange a loaded glance, anything too heavy they might feel is buoyed to the surface, unable to bring them down, by the ray of light that is Noah Benson.
After Lucia kisses Liv on the cheek Noah latches onto her middle and erupts his delight, "buenos dias Cia! When is Rafa gonna be here? He is still coming right? I can't wait to see him again. Do you think he will come with us to the market? I hope so! There is so much I have to tell him about."
Lucia runs her fingers through Noah's curls and chuckles at him as he rambles.
They are seated in a booth, having told the waitress they are expecting another member of their party to arrive shortly. It seems like Noah swivels around in his seat to look at the door every time the bell jingles indicating someone has opened it. After the sixth time Liv instructs him to sit next to Lucia so he can just see the door without having to turn. He is at her side in a second.
They haven't even placed their drink orders when Noah springs from the table. Running and shouting, "RAFA! Estás aqui! Realmente viniste! Mama, Cia miran es Rafa!" (You're here! You really came! Mama, Cia look it's Rafa!)
Rafael seems stunned by the small human projectile that is currently wrapped around his middle, actively trying to climb him. Noah doesn't have to try for long before Rafael is lifting him into his arms, squeezing tight to him. Pushing his face firmly to Noah's cheek Rafael drops kiss after kiss there before pulling him in further to rest his head on the boy's shoulder. It is like this that Rafael walks over to his mother and his best friend. Lucia is standing by the time he reaches the table.
Rafael whispers in Noah's ear, "Noah can I give my Mamí a hug? And then I promise I will hug you again."
Noah nods and loosens his limbs from Rafael's torso, he lowers himself to stand on the seat next to Olivia, ready to launch right back into Rafa's arms.
Lucia takes Rafael's face in her hands to look at him, really take him in. She sniffs lightly but there are no tears, only joy, "oh mijo, I'm so happy to see you."
Rafael pulls her into a tight embrace kissing the side of her head and telling her, "te amo Mamí."
"Tambien te amo Rafi." She replies easily. It is Lucia that moves back first, letting him go so he can keep his promise to Noah and hug him again.
With Noah in his arms again Rafael takes the seat Noah had been standing on, putting him directly next to Olivia once more, after all this time. He glances in her direction but can't see her face, Liv has her head hanging so that her hair is obstructing his view.
Tentatively he reaches for her, "Liv?"
When his hand rests itself on her arm Olivia looks up, right into his face, and Rafael can see the effort it is taking for her to hold back the tears, "hi Rafa."
He can't help it, his heart soars when she uses her nickname for him. A name he only likes hearing from Olivia and Noah, and Lucy though she mostly called him Mr. Barba. Rafael rubs Noah's back as he and Liv stare at each other. The longer their gaze holds the more Olivia's face seems to crumble. Her lower lip is beginning to tremble and she bites down on it for several seconds before figuring it is useless.
Suddenly Olivia is looking away from her, looking at the table top instead. She puts her face in her hands and sucks in a deep breath, without turning his way Olivia addresses Rafael's presence here again, "I don't think this was a good idea. Can you let me out please?"
Rafael tenses while Noah and Lucia fix Olivia in their sights. It is Noah who breaks the atmosphere first, "Mama?" He questions so innocently that Olivia doesn't think she can be here too much longer, "we aren't leaving are we?"
Lifting her arms after turning to Noah Olivia nods, "yeah sweet boy, come here, Mama needs to go."
Noah refuses to leave Rafa's arms, however, "No! I don't wanna go!" If his feet were on the floor he would have certainly stomped.
"I'm sorry Noah but we have to," she flicks her eyes to Lucia who looks uncomfortable, but understanding. Liv doesn't want to look at Rafael right now.
He is the one to speak next though, "I can go Liv, don't disrupt your day because of me." Rafael's voice is small and full of hurt but he isn't trying to use that against her, that much is clear.
It is Olivia's turn to tense, and bite her tongue at the flippant remark that wants to jump out at Rafael, that he had already disrupted the day, everyday for the last seven months, what was one more? Noah puts up more of a fight, throwing himself at Rafael's chest and hunkering down.
"Don't go Rafa, please. I don't want you to go."
Hugging the boy in his arms with a quick flex of his muscles Rafael relaxes his arms to drop away from Noah. Noah is having none of it grabbing at Rafael and tugging his arms, trying to replace them around his body.
Olivia allows her eyes to go to Rafael's face once more and sees the tears gathering there. She can't be in this diner right now, if he wants to come with them, wherever they go that's fine, but Olivia cannot be where she is right now.
With more anger woven through her tone than she wants Olivia looks back to Noah, "fine, we can all leave then. But we are leaving one way or another. I can't stay here." Her voice breaks, "I can't do this here." The anger fades to pleading now, "please, can we go anywhere else?"
Liv feels pathetic, and she can only stare at her hands where they sit on the table. Lucia's hand move to rest on top Olivia's hands, reassuring Liv that she understood, that it wa okay.
Looking to the approaching waitress Lucia tells her, "we have to leave actually, you can give this table to another group." With that each of them stand, Noah still in Rafael's arms, and make their way outside. Once out of the diner Lucia speaks to Olivia, "mirame, está bien?" When the younger woman nods Lucia sighs but continues on, "we can go to my house, have a bit of privacy."
Nodding again Olivia turns and walks with swift purpose back to her car. Lucia takes the passenger seat without acknowledging that her son might want it, he has Noah so they can sit in the back seat. After everyone is buckled in Olivia pulls away from the curb and makes the short trip to Lucia's house. Killing the engine they all exit in stoic silence before moving into the home. Olivia is the last one through the door and Lucia is waiting for her, pulling her into a fierce hug.
"It's okay mija, we are all alone now, everything will be alright." Still Olivia only nods.
Both women approach the living room to find Rafael sitting on the couch listening to Noah, who has finally relinquished his hold of the man, go on about anything he can think of to fill Rafael in on.
Clearing her throat a few paces into the room Olivia interrupts Noah to ask, "I'm sorry sweetie, can I talk to Rafa for a minute?"
Noah looks between his mother and his Rafa before deciding to allow her the time to speak. Slowly he slides from the couch and moves to Lucia who ushers him into her kitchen with the promise of pancakes.
As Noah slides from the couch Rafael stands, hands dangling uselessly at his sides. He gestures to her once but even he isn't sure what its meant to convey. Until Noah is gone neither Olivia or Rafael speak, or move.
When Noah has left her line of sight Olivia takes long strides so she is within an arm's length of touching Rafael. For a moment she just stares at him, he can tell she is still working very hard to reign in her emotions. It isn't quite working, not as well as Liv would like.
Rafael doesn't let another moment longer pass to tell her how he feels, "Liv, I am so sorry. I don't know if I can ever truly convey how sorry I am. To you, Noah, my mom. I know I hurt you and I will do everything you ask of me to make up for that, if you'll give me another chance?"
Olivia loses her composure as he speaks, breaking down and crying.
A/N: Not quite a cliffhanger, more to come.
xx