Alright! It's that time again…time for another Twilight comedy written for a yayme2012 contest! This one has only one condition…use the quote from the Breaking Dawn poster. So, with that one little bit of prompt, I have created yet another universe of chaos. Without further adieu, Hermione W. Cullen productions incorporation, ltd. Brings you…
Smells DeliciousIt was a fine evening, unusually balmy for Forks. I drove toward the house in the armored sedan given to me by my one true lover. Kind of ironic, if you think about it—a mythical monster going to such lengths to protect a mere human. Still, I was comforted by the fact that my humanity wouldn't be troubling him much longer…
This pleasant train of thought carried me all the way down the driveway of the house, where I was intercepted by an unusually hyperactive Alice.
"Bella! Bella! OMG, Bella!"
I sighed and got slowly out of the car. This was going to be difficult. "What is it, Alice?"
"OMG! OMG! Guess what?"
"What?"
"Good news! R—no, you have to guess!"
"I'm not going to guess, Alice."
"But you have to!" Alice took a moment to pout, before recommencing her bouncingamation. "Give you a hint—it's good news!"
"Ah…Rosalie's pregnant?" I asked sarcastically, hoping this bummer would at least slow the bouncing.
"Yeah! Exactly! Oh, she's going to be so mad she couldn't tell you herself…" with that, Alice grabbed my hand and dragged me across the lawn and through the door. And when I say dragged, I mean dragged. I don't think I would have had time to pick up my feet if I wanted to. Not that I wanted to, because I knew this was some sort of trick. Yes, I, Isabella Soon-to-be-not-Swan, with my dazzling powers of perception, had realized something was amiss. Which was unusual; I was usually the last to figure things out. But because, as I had unusually determined, this was a very unusual evening, I told myself not to expect the usual.
"Bella!" Rosalie squealed the moment we were inside. I was immediately enveloped in a sweet-smelling blonde hug. From Rosalie. Who was hugging me.
"Alice was telling the truth," I muttered to myself, amazed.
"Since when would I lie to you, Bella?" Alice sounded hurt.
"Well, there was that one time"—but Rosalie cut me off.
"So you heard the news?" she asked breathlessly.
"Yeah," I replied cheerily, "Congratulations, Rose!"
"Thanks, Bella!" She was definitely unusually cheerful. I tried to think of another plausible explanation…but I had to admit to myself, this seemed the only one.
Rosalie was going to have a vampire baby.
I wondered what it would look like. Would it be cuter than other babies? Would it smell better? I mean, regular babies smelled pretty good…not that I went around sniffing babies all the time, but you had to notice these things…I wondered if they made baby-scented perfume. Babies smelled almost as good as vampires…which brought me back to the original question. Finally, I had to conclude that vampire babies smelled double-good.
"It's gonna be awesome!" shouted Emmett, entering the room.
"Yeah," I agreed enthusiastically!. "I'll be married, Rose'll have a yummy-scented vampling…it'll be one big happy"—
"—family?" Alice interrupted.
"Yeah! How did you"—
"—know? Psychic, remember?" Uh-oh…
"Alice, please don't tell me you're going to"—
"—finish all your sentences for the rest of the night? Wouldn't dream of it!"
"Fine. Have it your"—
"--Way?"
"Ugh." I turned to Emmett. "Hey Emmett, do you know where my"—
"—One true lover is today?" Alice finished, looking at Emmett attentively.
I did my best impersonation of a growl. "That is not what I was"—
"—going to say?"
"Dammit," I grumbled. "Emmett, just tell me"—
"—where he is," Alice finished. The boom of Emmett's chuckle was magnified by the fact that he was glowing with pride in his wife, the first pregnant vampire ever. I wondered briefly how on earth that had happened, but quickly stopped that train of thought in its tracks.
"He's out hunting," Emmett informed me. "And Alice, cut that out. Entertaining as it is, I'm sure it's getting on Bella's"—
"—nerves? No problem. There are always new targets to turn to." I shot Emmett a silent thank-you look and hoped Alice's threats were empty. Which they weren't. Because when Alice makes a threat, she knows full well how things are going to play out.
"So…Alice," I said cautiously, not sure if I was still in danger, "When is he coming…" Alice didn't cut me off. "…" I added, just to make sure. When she continued to look at me funny, I finished, "…home?"
"Late tonight," she replied. "Around eleven." Tonight! My mind was already racing ahead of me. I could already feel the cool touch of his pale skin…
"What's wrong with Bella?" came Jasper's voice from behind me. I turned to find him coming through the doorway, making a bee (er, vamp) line for Alice's side.
"I mentioned him," Alice replied. "You know how she gets…"
"Ah," said Jasper, sounding as if that settled the matter. Which it probably did. Holy Crow-and-a-half, was I really that obvious?
"Bella's so obvious with her emotions," Rosalie sighed. "It's part of being human. She'd give all that up…"
"What are you griping about, Rose?" Emmett chided. Noticing that Alice did not interrupt, he went on. "You're immortal. You have beauty that would put Aphrodite to shame. AND you get a baby that CAN'T DIE."
"And that smells good," I added helpfully.
"Right," Emmett agreed. "Plus, you have a family that loves you. And you have an Emmett. Yet you still find things to bitch about?"
"You're right," Rosalie said with a look of dawning comprehension on her face. "I do need to quit my bitchin'. From now on, I will be nice to everybody!"
The aforementioned everybody stared at her.
And stared at her.
And stared at her.
And stared at her.
This went on for several minutes. Finally, Jasper spoke.
"Really?" he asked in a small voice.
"Psh," Rosalie pshawed, "No. Are you kidding me? Where would all your sorry arsicles be without me to act as a character foil for you? Totally two-dimensional, that's where!"
"Totally two-dimensional…" I whispered to Alice, "Is that a place?"
"Not that I know of," she replied.
Rosalie's answer we simply accepted. It was no less than we expected. Only Emmett looked ever-so-slightly disappointed.
"Come on, Bella," Alice said out of the blue, "let's do something to get your mind off all this."
"All what?" Alice rolled her eyes.
"Oh, come on, Bella. Don't try to hide it. We all know how anxious you are for him to come home. It's just so obvious how obsessed you are. He's like crack for you!"
"Is not!" I replied wittily.
"Totally is," said Rosalie. "I mean just think about it…for one, you can't go a day without getting your fix."
"Yeah," Emmett agreed, "and he sparkles in the sunlight!"
"Does crack do that?" I asked skeptically.
"No," Jasper replied, "that's meth."
"How do YOU know that?" Alice glared.
"I…er…read an article. In one of your magazines."
"You read my magazines?" Alice melted. "Awww, Jazzywobbles, that's so sweet!" They started kissing, while Emmett, Rosalie and I studiously looked away.
"He's white, too," Rosalie muttered.
"And she inhales him," Emmett added.
"I do not! That's completely absurd! How on earth do you inhale a vampire?"
"Okay, inhales his scent," Emmett amended, "same thing."
"Is not," I grumbled. The argument, however, was lost; I did tend to sniff him a lot. Well, in my defense, I wasn't the only one in this house who smelled amazing!
At that moment, Alice broke away from Jasper with an obnoxiously loud noise, saving me from almost certain humiliation…or so I thought.
"So, what do you think, guys…is he more like crack or meth for her?" Alice appealed to her fellow bloodsuckers.
"Definitely crack," Jasper said.
"But…but…meth is sparkly!" Emmett complained.
"Yeah," Jasper agreed, "but it also makes you scratch your face off. And he would never let her do that."
"Guys," I interjected, "are you aware of just how sick this conversation is getting?"
"You're right, Bella," Alice agreed. "I think we should get going now."
"Where?" I asked, suspicious but resigned.
"Shopping," Alice replied innocently.
"Alice," I groaned, "not again!"
"What?" Alice looked around at all the carefully blank faces of her family. "Oh, come on, guys, I don't shop that much! Why does everyone think I shop constantly? I don't! I really don't! I have other interests! I read fashion magazines! I watch Project Runway AND What Not to Wear! I write fanmail to Christian Dior! The way you guys are looking at me, you'd think I have no life outside fashion!"
"Umm, Alice," I spoke up meekly, "Do you…that is to say…do you hear yourself speak?"
"It's not my fault!" Alice whined. "Blame it on fandom! They made me this way!"
"Blame it on what?" Emmett asked Jasper, who shrugged.
"You honestly think you have a life outside fashion?" Rosalie asked.
"Yes…"
"Then prove it."
"How?" Alice wondered. Then a look of horror slowly dawned upon her face, closely followed by a mad grin.
"That's right," Rosalie affirmed, "I want you to rant about something completely unrelated to fashion."
"That's easy," Alice replied cheerily. "I mean, have you read Great Expectations? First of all, the main character's name is Pip. Fine. I like the name Pip. Except that this Pip is a whiny, wishy-washy wallower who does approximately nothing and a half throughout the entire fifty-million-page book. And Estella! I mean, who the hell does she thinks she is? She just sort of saunters around like a sauntering little saunterer for a while, then she disappears! And Havisham—ugh, don't get me started on that dress! Why does she have to be so hung up on the past that she can't take off a wedding dress from a wedding 72 bajillion years ago, just because it didn't happen! Newsflash: the guy's not coming back! I mean, can you imagine what that dress must smell like? I had such a hard time finding a dress for Bella that didn't remind me of Ms. Havisham's patheticosity! Nice job, Dickens. You almost ruined my sister's wedding. Thank God for France."
I blinked at her. "Wow."
"Well," said Emmett.
"You know what?" Rosalie asked, apropos of nothing. "I could really use some grizzly right now. EMMETT!" She turned to her husband, suddenly fierce. "GO GET ME SOME GRIZZLY!"
"Rose, it's ten o' clock!" Emmett complained.
"I don't care! I need grizzly now!" She looked furious. Hmm…pregnant-vampire cravings must be a nightmare.
"Meep," Emmett said meekly, rushing off to get Rosalie some grizzly blood.
Just then, Carlisle came down the steps, whistling "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story. Jasper put out his leg under the bottom stair, and Carlisle promptly tripped on it.
I raised my eyebrows. "How did you do that?" I asked him, rather impressed. It must take some skill to trip a vampire…well, unless it's me. I wondered if my transformation would make me coordinated…but I quickly tripped over that impossible thought.
"It's just one more use of my…special ability," Jasper shrugged. "I put 'em at ease, and then…SMAP!" He made an elaborate, rather violent hand gesture to illustrate his point.
"How often do you do this?" I wondered.
"About once a week," Jasper replied, chuckling. "It never gets old."
"Trust me," Alice contradicted, "it does."
By then Carlisle had stood up and dusted off his clothes. "Well," he said, "now that Jasper is done taking out his inexplicable fifth-grade violent tendencies on his father figure, may I just ask what exactly is going on here?"
Alice, Rosalie and Jasper all opened their mouths at the same time, but I saved Carlisle the pain of their responses by speaking faster,
"Rosalie is pregnant with a smells-good vampling and was craving grizzly so Emmett went out to get some for her."
"Ah," was all he said to me. He looked sternly at Rosalie. "You're pregnant? You. Me. Talk. Later."
He sounded uncannily Charlie-ish at that moment.
Just then, Emmett returned, sparing us all this awkwardness.
"Here's your grizzly," he informed his wife, holding out a Nalgeen bottle full of thick red liquid. "Record time," he added proudly.
"You know," Rosalie mused, "I'm really craving squirrel right now…"
"Aw, come on!" Emmett groaned. "After I went to all that work to get you a grizzly, you need me to go out and catch a SQUIRREL, too?"
"If you love me," Rosalie started, but Emmett saw where this was going.
"Yeah, yeah," he said, heading for the door, "I'm on my way."
He left. There was silence for several minutes. Alice and Jasper faced each other, communicating in that silent way they have (kinda like telepathy, only not, because that's his job). Carlisle moved to sit down on one of the couches. Out of the blue, Rosalie shouted,
"I NEED WATERMELON!"
"Rosie," Esme chided fondly, coming into the room, "we don't have watermelon. You know that." She sounded like she was reasoning with a child.
"WELL, GET SOME!" Which she was.
"Umm, Rosalie?" I asked sheepishly, "Vampires…er…that is to say, they don't eat watermelon…they drink blood?"
"SO?"
"So you're a vampire."
"I DON'T CARE! I WANT WATERMELON ANYWAY!"
"Oookay," I said, "this is too much for me. I'm going up to bed. See you guys in the morning." I hugged Esme, Alice kissed me on both cheeks and bid me goodnight in a ridonkulous French accent, and I headed up to the room. I climbed into the bed he'd gotten me, pulled the thick comforter around me, and waited. Finally, after what seemed far too long a time, I heard him enter the room.
"Hello," he said quietly. His voice was so soft, so musical…I sighed.
"Hello," I replied.
"I sense odd things have been happening since I was away," he informed me.
"Why's that?" I questioned.
"Because," he said, "Rosalie has found a plate of Esme's cookies, and, convinced that it is a chimpanzee, keeps trying to make it do the Macarena. It was really delightful to watch, her trying to make a plate of cookies dance."
"Well, now I guess we know the reason vampires don't get pregnant. You can't go hormonal, so you just go insane instead."
"Oh, she'll be fine in the morning," he predicted.
"Yeah…so how was hunting?"
"Fine." He made a face. "Bella, my love, I've been worrying."
"Great. Something new for you." He chuckled good-naturedly at that, but only briefly. After all, he still had plenty of talking to do in his sexy man-voice.
"I am worried that…there's still potential for you to be hurt. I mean, you know I'm more dangerous to you than the rest of the family is…"
"Don't be afraid," I murmured, "we belong together."I was abruptly overwhelmed by the truth of my own words. This moment was so perfect, so right, there was no way to doubt it. His arms wrapped around me, holding me against him….It felt like every nerve ending in my body was a live wire.
"Forever," he agreed. I turned around (awkwardly, as he was still holding me) to look at the face of my love.
"I wouldn't have it any other way." I realized this was true; I wanted nothing more than to spend eternity in the arms of my one true lover, Aro Volturi.
Don't blame me! The watermelons made me do it! ReviewMeep!