A/N: A friend of mine gave me an idea and I decided to wing it! Basically, it's crack to the 23rd power and there is no need to overthink it. Just a few pokes at the characters because I love them all (meaning, don't take anything seriously that happens here). I hope you enjoy this short piece of insanity!
Disclaimer: Namco maybe crazy but they aren't stupid to give me rights to any Tekken, that's for sure!
Chick, Where's My Food?
Say you are in the King of the Iron Fist Tournament. Say you were a young, teenaged androgynous German teenager that wants to serve a heaping plate of revenge with a side of justice and then some on this emo named Jin. Say that your name is Leo, the said young, teenaged German girl who has a bad case of androgyny. Well, you're not the only one. Who doesn't want to serve emo ass on a silver platter for all to feast on the remains?
It's too bad that the emo has 'TEH LAZOR BEAM OF EMO-TYRANNY' on his side. He roasts all with it. May it be his smexy tomboy cousin or his granddaddy who loves to push his family members down trenches, volcanoes and/or rocket launch them into Cloud Nine. With one cheapass shot with teh 's00per l337 emo beam', one will be crying for no apparent reason, writing sad poetry and listening to My Chemical Romance for weeks, slowly turning into a Jin clone. Oh gawd, what did humanity do to deserve such torture?!
That didn't intimidate Leo one bit though. She went to the finals. Her last opponent Sir Emo-tude. It was a close match! As soon as she lunged toward him to land an upper cut on his sad-looking face, ZAP! The emo beam fired. Luckily, she was able to duck the beam, which instead of hitting her it landed on a mute Russian Edward Scissorhand. Oddly enough, the beam didn't affect him. He must have been emo already.
While that distracted Leo, bondage boy Devil Jin landed the final blow, uttering a phrase 'Mah life sux' as he smacked her, his girly face full of gloom as it happened. This chick needs help. To be beaten by an emo...just wow. Well, at least she didn't get hit by the lazor! We don't need any more emos in this franchise.
Androgynous girl stomped her way out of the building after her defeat. Call it unsportsman-like but damn, she is going to stick revenge on that Jin whether it be by fairness or cheapness. Since the latter sounds more fun, she'll go with that.
While she kicked her shoe into the pavement, idly looking around as she thought of her crazy scheme of ebil revenge, she spotted a large Hummer in front of the parking meter. Funny, I thought Japanese hated big cars like that Leo thought to herself. She tilted her head to see if anyone was in the car; and lo and behold, the phatest thing since fat was in there! She remembered him; 'His name be Bob!' was his catch-phrase as he introduced himself to the fellow competitors. Mainly, he stuck around with the newbie crowd that consisted of him, herself and two others, which Leo didn't want to think about because the other two give off this weird vibe; yes a vibe. Which she thought was even weirder than Bob's vibe.
Bob was sleeping in the driver's seat, a box of some kind sitting on his 'manly' chest as he snoozed away. Leo's eyes fixated on the box, the idea that food was inside of it gave her the inspiration for the emo revenge. You can mess with Bob's pride but when you mess with Bob's food...
BOB WILL BE A-SMASHING THE TINY PEOPLE.
It was plain and simple! And quite obvious as well. An evil smirk tugged at Leo's face, the influence of that other new girl rubbing off on her. Quietly, she snuck around the corner of the large tanker of a car, getting close to the driver's side. The window on Bob's side was conveniently rolled down, giving Leo the advantage of steal the box. Without a second thought, the girl snatched the goods from the obese man and ran off!
She ran and ran and ran and ran until she reached emo Jin's bedroom. Don't ask how she knows where he lives because that is a whole different story. Before slipping it underneath the bed, Leo opened the box to see what was inside. A colorful array of streusels, stollens, and other German pastries glistened in front of her. Damn, it just had to be the German pastries, she cursed. Leo had a hard time of putting the box underneath the bed without eating everything inside it; unfortunately, being a girl, she just had to take at least the leftover of the chocolate strudel before putting it in its place.
"There's at least two dozen pastries in there! Half of one gone won't be a big deal."
After a short trip back to the tournament building, she decided to wake up Bob; step two of "Keel Teh Emo!"plan.
"Hey! Wake up!" she tapped on the side door to get his attention.
"Zzzzzzz." and a couple of choking sounds were his response. Leo rolled her eyes and decided to poke his face to get his attention some more. "Wake up, dude!" she kept poking with each word that came out of her mouth. It wasn't before long before he rolled from his side, making her finger poke from his cheek to the inside of his mouth. She tried to pull away but she was getting sucked in! "AGH! The bastard's trying to eat me!" she yelled, a storm of German pottymouth words spouted following afterwards. The man woke up (about time), wondering why he was sleep-eating a teenager. "Oh, hey! Geez, I thought I stopped sleep-eating last week!" his voice was muffled with the German's hand lodged up his windpipe.
"...Gross..." was the only thing she could say as she pulled her hand out, bits of food and a layer of saliva covering it. She looked like she was about to throw up with the mess.
"Hey!" Bob went off again. "Where's my box?! I had it here for safe keeping!"
"That's why I came! Uh...Jin took them. He thought since you lost the tournament, you don't serve strudel." Leo said, her voice beginning to rise. "I would go beat his face in if I were you. I mean, really, stealing German pastries? That is low, even for him."
Before Leo could add another point, Bob forced himself out of the car, the look of pissery on his face as he set out to look for Devil Jin or whatever the hell his name was.
"This should go well..."
It was like the Incredible Hulk with all the events going on. Bob shoved people all over just to clear his path. He busted up parking meters, newspaper stands and even kicked sewer caps off. Damn. When you mess with food, you mess with Bob. And if you have any sense of sanity, you would not even touch the edible treasures, no matter how tempting it is.
As he walked into the apartment complex where Jin lived, Bob ran up with lightning speed, clutching the railing of the staircase with brute force. The force was so strong that it left dents on the metallic rails. The man sniffed around for his pastries, trying to catch a whiff of the location of them. The only thing he could smell was chorine from the pool downstairs. Bob peered downward, seeing the other two new competitors bickering like some old, married couple over something while in the pool. Their heavy accents filled the air, along with the sounds of splashing water as they continued to argue; it was like listening to two little kids fighting over nonsense. Unfortunately, soap operas don't amuse Bob so he continued the search, so the foreign pool dilemma won't have a conclusion until later.
Bob continued to sniff away until he pinned down the location; emo's room was only a few steps away. This is one small step for pastries; one GIANT leap for dead Devil Jin. Bob didn't knock on the door; hell no. He busted that thang up like it was a wrapper obstructing his way to a candy bar. When the door was brought down, the only thing he saw was an emo Jin sitting on his bed, watching Fall Out Boy videos and writing poetry like the little sad sack he is.
"Go away!" Jin whined. "I have to be depressed from 4 to 6. It's what I do everyday and I don't want to mess with my emo mantra's schedule!"
Bob cracked his knuckles, no sympathy coming from the stoic, big man. "Dude, where's mah food?!"
"What food?"
"Don't play dumb with me, emo! GIMME MAH FOOD!" Bob stepped in closer until the only thing that was separating him and Jin was an oversized gut. Jin just looked up, the look of emo indifference played on his face as Bob raised his fist, about to strike. There was only one thing that Jin could say;
"I hate life..."
Leo ran to the location of the scene, a string of journalists blocking her way. The phrases 'Jin has been beaten!' and 'We have a new winner of the Iron Fist Tourney!' filled the air. Heh, my plan worked, Leo mentally gave herself a pat on the back for her success. Being of small frame, Leo was able to thread around the crowd with ease. She took the elevator up to the scene of the crime and saw that Bob was finally united with his sweets. "Look Leo! I got them back!" he said with a stupid expression of glee on his face, the box in his hands.
Leo smirked. "That's cool." was the only thing she said before she tossed the box down the railing. "MAH STRUDEL!!!" Bob yelled for the box but it only sailed down south. Being a crazy fat bastard, he jumped after it...
...and landed in the pool, causing a tidal wave so fatass that he managed to knock the Middle Eastern girl and Spaniard out of the pool and onto the roof of the supply house for pool maintenance. With that distraction keeping the journalists attention for a good moment, Leo ran into Jin's room and spotted a broken and battered emo on the floor.
She parked her small heinie on the half dead corpse and smiled for the camera as soon as the reporters flooded into the room.
And it all turns out that Leo won the King of the Iron Fist Tournament 6, Jin died, Bob was with soggy stollen and Miguel and Zafina went into ER for the pool incident.
Everything was back to normal.