A/N: hey guys, so my whole "no writing" thing isn't going so well I guess especially because I'm tired of seeing people get down on Rachel for caring about more than just Broadway now. So I hope you enjoy/ your feedback means the world to me. Thank you so much/
disclaimer: don't own Glee, sorry folks.
It didn't come down to being crazy, despite what some people would say. And, actually, most of them would say—a lot of things. And some of them would say since dating so and so, she'd "toned down" her crazy. Others would say she'd gotten crazy. But the fact of the matter was, she wasn't crazy. Talented, of course. Driven, indubitably. At times a little bossy and controlling, well, yes. But she wasn't crazy.
She'd never considered it a bad thing to know what it was you wanted and then to go after it. But for a long time she didn't really have much else aside from the notions of what it was she did want. It wasn't like she had friends or anything, and then the harder she tried to make them, the more people made fun of her.
The main problem over the years was probably the way people perceived her and the way she apparently letpeople perceive her. She was the overly-ambitious girl who didn't care about anything but the spotlight and making it to Broadway. It wasn't entirely true then, but at that point in time, she hadn't figured she had many other options—given, yet again, the whole lack of friends thing.
So people had a habit of assuming the onlything she wanted out of life was to be on Broadway. But even then she'd wanted to be accepted, if not popular. She'd still wanted friends and a boyfriend and to have a relatively normal high school experience. The difference was back then, it didn't seem as likely to happen, so she'd focused on her career.
But slowly, things had started to change. Minimally at first, but she knew that most things required baby steps even if you'd rather just take the plunge headfirst into new things. When she'd first joined glee club, it wasn't so much that it was just about winning as it was about reaping the benefits of the fun they were having. She'd wanted to be a part of something special—just as she'd told Mr. Schuester all that time ago—but over the months and months, her definition of what special was had been slightly modified. That was the catch, really. It didn't completely change, but it had been expanded to included several other factors than just being goodat glee club or singing.
So yes, at first, just about everyone had hated her, or at least disliked her. Except Finn, but even he was a little scared of her. Admittedly, it was understandable—she had been more than a little overzealous in her attempts to show him how much she admired his talent and cared about him.
And yes, she had quit once or twice—also not her finest moments—but she liked to think that eventually she came through for them all. And anyway, it wasn't like she was the only one who'd ever quit or thought about quitting, and at that point she hadn't had any real, solid friendships. Again, perhaps with the exception of Finn, but even that was a little rocky at the time and compared to how close they would end up becoming, it was virtually nothing back in the earlier days. Notthat at the time she considered it nothing—or that she did now, for that matter—but it was hard to describe how much their feelings had grown since the first couple months they'd been in each others' company.
Everyone had done a lot of growing up in the two plus years they'd been in glee club—though some people, like Lauren, had joined much later. But most of that development had started midway through their junior year. But her dreams of Broadway and stardom—she'd never planned on giving them up. She'd simply learned that she had to accommodate other dreams as well—dreams that most people had. Dreams that consisted of falling madly in love and getting married and raising a respectable family. It wasn't a bad thing to want or haveboth. Of course she still wanted to be on Broadway; she'd wanted that all through high school. But she failed to see how extending the field around dreams that were manageable to include the love and family parts meant she was giving up what she was.
Wasn't that the whole point Finn had been trying to make in their sophomore year when he took her to see his friend Sean (who she still occasionally went to visit, thank you very much)? Her biggest talent was singing, anyone could tell that. But it wasn't the only thing she was good at. And even if it were, she was still a person with who even knows how many other characteristic traits. That had been a been major turning point for her. And the fact that it had been Finn, of all people, to show her that had warmed her heart considerably more than she would have liked it to, given the fact that she was still dating Jesse St. James at that point; it had only complicated things further for her.
But when she first started glee club, most of the issues she had to deal with related to people thinking she was annoying and trying to fight for solos. As time went on, she also had to deal with the intense feelings she had for someone who had a girlfriend—and then someone who didn't have a girlfriend but wasn't ready to be with her, and then actually wasready to be with her when she'd already attempted to move on—and finding her mother after fifteen years only to have her leave again because Rachel wasn't a baby anymore. And her mom, Shelby, she'd wanted a baby and a family—and Rachel apparently hadn't been enough for her. And she hadn't been enough for Jesse either, who had told her he loved her and then smashed an egg on her forehead to prove his loyalty to another team and win a fourth consecutive National Championship.
It was enough to drive a person mad, but she'd always been strong and she managed (mostly) to keep her head up. Okay, so the night of the egg incident, maybeshe had curled up in the bathtub and cried for hours, but everyone was allowed lapses in strength, right? (The answer to that question is yes, by the way).
Things got better after dating Finn—for real. His random but heartfelt "I love you" before their duet at Regionals had lifted a lot of the weight off her shoulders. She'd always imagined that were anyone ever to say that to her, it would be after a lovely and romantic date and—well, suffice it to say she had a lot of the details planned out in her head. But in all honesty, she preferred the way it happened even better. Because there was no way he felt pressured to say it and there was no expectation for her to say it back—and she'd been so stunned and happy, she hadn't been able to form words anyway. But he'd simply said it because he thought she should know and sometimes it still made her heart flutter a little to think about, even if they'd both been a bit naïve about everything that would happen afterward.
But the summer she spent with him was blissful and mostly perfect. They'd had small disagreements, but only about whether they should watch which movie or if they should make out a little more before or after breakfast. It was lovely and most of the time she forgot about what would change when they went back to school. And even in the beginning, it didn't seem that different.
But after a while, she'd see the way some people would look at him, and the way others would too. He was either ogled by extremely attractive girls or glared at by the other jocks—both of which scared her. The whole being in a completely happy relationship thing was still new to her at that point, especially where outside parties were involved. Her relationship with Puckerman hardly counted, as it lasted all of about three days, and only occurred to serve as a distraction and a tool of jealousy, which she didn't think even worked on either account.
And her relationship with Jesse, while enjoyable on several levels, had always lacked that underlying understanding that she and Finn had. Oh sure, Jesse understood her motivations and desires for becoming a star. But he didn't get her, the girl she had been, was at that point, and would be in the future. Maybe he was just too much like her, then. But as it was stated, she was more than one thing,but Jesse had really only ever saw one thing in her, and that was her talent. Whenever he complimented her, it was on her singing. Whenever he got that look in his eye like he was amazed by her, it was just because of her singing. And even then, there was always the "But I'm still better than you are," attitude. Which at first she admired because it humbled her and made her realize she had someone she could learn all these great musical and vocal and performing techniques from. But that was about all.
With Finn, she learned more about how to deal with people. After she learned that she needed to trust him in all areas instead of just most—that is, she needed to trust him not to break up with her again just to date someone else—they had what she thought was a really stable relationship. He was able to keep her grounded and tell her when she was wrong (and she wasn't that girl who sent the competition to crack houses—even if they weren't active—anymore) and she tried her best to reach out to him and prove to him that he could be just about anything he wanted to if he put the effort in. She liked to think of them as mutually inspiring, and well, they were. They had just never worked out the intricacies of themselves and their relationship.
She'd known he was looking for a little more physically, but he never complained or tried to push her; he was truly a gentleman. But truth be told, by (what she didn't know at the time would be) the end of their relationship, she was looking for more too. And the more she thought about it, the more she'd realized how awful it was to keep the secret of her lie about sleeping with Jesse. And when he hadn't said anything back apart form it being awesome that they would experience their first times together, she hadn't thought much about it because she'd been so excited.
And she hadn't been able to place a finger on why Santana, after Finn's mom's and Kurt's dad's wedding, had been up her butt constantly. But apparently it had something to do with Finn, considering the information Santana had given her about Finn's own virginity lie. It all seemed so far away now (most likely because it was) but at the time, she wasn't sure she could ever be hurt as much as she was then (which she would learn later to be untrue, unfortunately).
Everything only got messier from there. She and Finn weren't communicating effectively—both because he stopped trying and because she wouldn't listen to him anyway—and she'd acted rash and out of hurt. She should have known he wouldn't understand that. Not because he didn't understand her, but rather because he didn't understand her insecuritiesor his own, which made it virtually impossible for them to reconcile. And of course, he'd broken up with her and—truthfully, it made her tired thinking about.
Admittedly, her first attempts at getting him back were desperate and she understood his need for space on some level. And she triedso hard to give him the space he was asking for; she just hadn't expected him to go after Quinn with that space. She'd never understood the finer details of their relationship and there was always a part of her that wondered why he would be okay with letting Quinn cheat on Sam when he wasn't okay with Quinn or her, Rachel, cheating on him. But it seemed futile to think about because it only led to more heartbreak and crying. And of course she'd known that Finn was "messed up" about what happened between them; he'd even said it out loud to her. But she couldn't just bury those feelings for him and let him slip away.
So for months she watched as everything seemed to crumble around her. Finn and Quinn were going strong again and even though they'd won Regionals, no one outside the club seemed to care. Her saving grace came from the strong friendship she'd shared with Kurt and the blossoming one she had going on with Mercedes, though the other girl always seemed a bit wishy-washy.
But a lot of nights she had spent time agonizing over all the things that Quinn had told her in the auditorium that day. About how, yes, she and Finn were dating and had been for a couple weeks; about how Rachel would never get him and would be off on Broadway while she and Finn stayed and settled down in Lima. She sighed, remembering it all. She'd wondered then if perhaps what Quinn was saying was right. She hadn't wanted to give up on Finn, but he seemed more than okay with forgiving Quinn for things much worse than what she'd ever done, and yet he'd never indicated that he'd forgiven her.But at the same time, she'd thought it unfair that Quinn had Finn's life all planned out for him when Rachel knew that wasn't what he wanted. Ultimately, that was what solidified her determination to prove to herself and to Finn that things were never over between them, regardless of whether or not they acknowledged it.
But it had been harder than she'd imagined it would be. When he stood there at Regionals and told her to break a leg—her knees had nearly buckled from the weight of her heart breaking again. But instead she'd focused her energies on singing her heart out. And she'd thought perhaps she'd succeeded in at least something because even though Finn had told her he could feel it when she sang and it had done all these indescribable things to her chest, it was what happened after they won that really got to her. Because as much as she valued Finn's friendship, it was just so hard.Knowing he was with Quinn and wanted to be with Quinn, how was she supposed to face him and be happy about it? She could only be so brave, you know.
Anyway, the fact that the entire club had nominated her for the MVP award had meant somuch to her. She was finally starting to get to a place she wanted to be. Friends. At one point, the concept had seemed foreign to her, but there she was, crying and receiving a group hug from everyone. She just never expected things to get harder after that. But they did.
Because it was all just more weeks of seeing Quinn and Finn ruling the school, the happy golden couple again. It broke her heart every day, but she kept quiet about it for a long time, fighting back as they flaunted the fact of their dating in her face. She suspected it was inadvertent on Finn's part, as he had never been a spiteful person, but that Quinn probably got enjoyment out of seeing her squirm.
And she knew when he called her beautiful in front of everyone—including Quinn—it was supposed to make her feel good. But it didn't. It just made it more obvious that he was with Quinn. That he apparently thought highly of Rachel, but not highly enough. Not as highly as he thought about Quinn. And that killed her too.
And then she'd thought for sure that when the Muckraker came out, even if he didn't want to be with her right away, he wouldn't want to be with Quinn. But instead of breaking it off, they sang a duet and were at each others' throats all the time. And even though Quinn hadn't been cheating on him—and even though he couldn't pinpoint why he was back together with Quinn—she'd thought maybe they would break up because it was obvious they still didn't trust each other.
But they didn't. And she got tired of waiting. That was understandable, wasn't it? With Finn chasing her down and disapproving of who she spent her time with even though he was still with Quinn. And even complaining about their relationship was bringing it up, so it still always hurt. But for the longest time, he never noticed. Or if he did, he never said anything. None of this is to say that Finn was a bad person or a bad friend to her, really. It was just too complicated for her to deal with.
She'd altered all of her future plans to include him—and it seemed like he'd wanted to be included too—and now she had to deal with him changing his mind about being in her future. So she had to find a way to rearrange her plans yet again. But taking him out of the equation had hurt so much. Because she didn't figure she'd ever have to. When they had started dating, she'd been realistic; she'd known they'd have arguments and such because all couples did.
It just got hard and painful to have to change around her entire future again. She felt like she was giving up an entire piece of her future. So even though her feelings for him hadn't changed—and probably never would—she couldn't deal with the ups and downs anymore. He needed to make up his mind. Because once again, almost immediately after they'd broken up he'd went straight for another girl. Except it was worse that time because it was Quinn. And as it stood right now, she was actually quite friendly with Quinn, but she hadn't been at the time.
It all sort of changed after Prom. Finn had once again played the part of the jealous boyfriend without a right to. And while it hadn't ended up ruining her night, it was humiliating for both her and Quinn. But they'd talked about it and ever since had maintained a slightly friend-like relationship.
She didn't expect Quinn and Finn to date for almost another week after that. It was then that she realized that unfortunately, Jar of Hearts had been the perfect song to sing. Because he and Quinn were still clinging to each other with no reason to. Finn had broken it off with her shortly after that week, but still, a whole week?
She'd spent so much time thinking and assuring Quinn that of course Finn wanted to be with her, even if she hoped it wasn't true. And in the end, what got them to break up? Quinn trying to get him to quit glee club. She supposed she should be grateful the club meant that much to him, but would she alwaysbe second to someone or something else? She'd just gotten so tired.
No person was ever really static. Finn had learned to stand up for himself in his relationship with Quinn and outside of it. He'd learned that he had to be himself to get to wherever it was he wanted to get to. And she'd hoped he'd learned that she believed in him just as much as he seemed to believe in her. And she'd learned that maybe just because two people were meant to be together didn't mean they always would get to actually be together. And sometimes you have to not plan for your entire future because plans could change, especially when they involved other people.
They'd left for New York not long after that, even if they were all still a little down from attending the funeral of someone loved dearly by a faculty member. She didn't like to think about it much, though.
New York was everything she'd hoped it would be. Well, and then some. Finn had talked her into going on this amazing and romantic date because apparently no matter what she told herself, he would always have a hold on her heart that she couldn't just refuse to listen to. And truth be told, the date and the day were completely fabulous. She'd never experienced romance like that before, even from those who promised it to her. Everything was lovely and perfect and it was just too much.
He'd dressed up in a suit that she'd guessed Kurt had picked out, looking simply dapper and incredibly handsome. And she'd dressed up and felt beautiful to him for the first time in a while, and he'd even told her how incredible she'd looked. But they were walking along and he'd suddenly stopped. And thought it had been an amazing day so far, she could tell in her heart that it came down to this moment here. And it had.
He'd taken her hand and explained that even though he'd tried to deny it, she was the one who was always in his heart and head, not Quinn. Not anyone else. Just Rachel. And though it was everything she'd wanted to hear at one point in time, at that particular moment, she just couldn't bear it. He'd just broken up with Quinn and she wanted to believe him so badly—she did—but she couldn't take the possibility of being a rebound. Not to Finn; it was all too overwhelming.
So she'd run away and after a moment, he'd chased after her and told her to at least let him get her home safely. He said he didn't want her to get mugged by a homeless man and some other equally as terrible things, thus in the end appealing to her sense of survival. So they'd taken a cab, and he'd shown her the song he was working on for Nationals. He'd told her that they probably wouldn't have a lot of time to rehearse it, but pleaded with her to let them try it out because she'd been right; they needed to sing a duet at Nationals if they wanted any shot of winning. And he'd been working on that one because he knew how awful he was when it came to saying words, but once he got into writing the song, he'd found that it was easier to express what he wanted to say in the writing of lyrics.
And then she'd looked at the words to the song and most of her doubts had subsided. She hadn't said anything, though, other than congratulating him on an amazing song and assuring him she would sing it with him. But the smile that had grown on his face afterward had been truly beautiful, even if men hated being called that because it wasn't "manly" enough or other such nonsense.
But performing it had nearly been an otherworldly experience. All the heartbreak hadn't just magically floated away, but she'd realized it was nothing compared to the love she felt for him and she could already feel herself rearranging her future yet againfor him, but this time it felt more permanent. No one wrote and sang a song like that if they had any thoughts about a relationship not working out. So she'd known he was serious and determined to prove to her that he wasn't kidding around or trying to play her or simply get in her good graces again. And in the end, that was one of the main factors that led her to kiss him back when he touched his lips to hers after their performance of the song he'd written—"Pretending."
And then it had ended up being slightly more than a kiss, if all the panting and groping was any indication to go by. If it wasn't well, the audience was more than a little shocked and offended; some of them had even stormed out. But in that moment, she hadn't cared; it was about Finn and being with him again and trying to make people realize that she wasn't a person who was about Broadway orFinn. She loved them both. She just loved Finn slightly more.
They'd been back together since then, but a little while later, after all the death glares for inappropriate conduct and a sixth place trophy, he'd asked her to officially be his girlfriend. And she'd had no other answer for him apart from, "Yes!" with a lot of hugging and more kissing, until everyone was clearing their throats and/or throwing things at them. She hadn't cared either way though.
Right now, though, it was mid-June and they were lying in the grass not far away from her pool. And the only reason she was even thinking about all this was because the other day, she'd overheard some people saying how she used to be obsessed with Broadway and now she was only obsessed with Finn Hudson. Neither of those things were true, okay? She wasn't obsessed.She just loved and cherished both dearly. But one person had said it was pathetic to give up her dreams of Broadway because as annoying as she was, she was super talented just for Finn.
And she hadn't said anything, as she didn't want to be late for her dance class, but it had angered her. She wasn't giving up Broadway. And there was no such thing as justFinn. Finn was entitled to do whatever he liked with his life (except the obvious things; serial killer, rapist, drug dealer, dog walker, etc) just as she was with hers. She still wanted to go to New York and sing in front of hundreds of people on Broadway. She'd never altered her plans in that regard. But why was it a bad thing that she wanted Finn's support and love as well? Broadway was nearly and inevitability. Whereas for a lot of this year, she wasn't sure if Finn's love was, so it may have appeared that she was more focused on that. But she didn't recall ever saying that she didn't care about being a star anymore. Hell, she still wore the necklace he bought for her all the time. Because it was valuable to her in both the aspects of her life that were closest to her—Stardom and Finn (this was excluding education and her family, both of which were important to her, but no one ever claimed she was giving up Broadway for school or for her dads, so that wasn't an issue).
As it was, she shouldn't even be thinking about it right now, though. Here she was, resting against her boyfriend's half-naked body (since he really had grown more confident in his looks and she liked to think she helped with that—and as a side note, she wasn't sure what Santana was talking about, for Finn's nipples weren't weird at all and in fact, she admired them immensely) and she was thinking about what people who didn't understand her thought. She should have focused on the person next to her, who didunderstand her.
She rolled over a little so she was half on top of him and kissed him slowly. Well, at first. It didn't take long for things to escalate as he gripped her hips tightly, both of them ignoring the way their sunglasses knocked together on occasion. She thought about straddling his lap, but couldn't be bothered to break the kiss long enough to move, and therefore just brushed the side of her knee up over his swim trunks, smiling triumphantly when he groaned.
They still hadn't taken that final step yet because as much as she wanted to be ready, she wasn't quite there yet. But they'd explored each others' bodies a little more and she'd definitely liked what she'd seen; and he seemed to like the same of what he'd seen of her. She let out a whimper when his palm brushed over her breast, his lips scaling down her neck. It never took much to get Finn worked up and she wasn't sure if that was part of him being a teenage boy or if he was that attracted to her, of all people. In her mind, it was a combination of both though, and some day she'd get the courage to actually ask. For now though, she let the feel of his bare torso rubbing against hermostly bare torso brush away most of her extraneous thoughts.
"Finn." His name fell from her mouth in a whisper and she felt him smirking against her skin as he leaned up to settle over her.
"Mmm, Rachel." He pressed a few more kisses down her neck before he worked his way down her chest, his fingers fiddling with the string at the back of her bikini top. "What is all this for anyway?" he asked quietly, looking at her with darkened eyes.
She tugged briefly at his hair, shrugging as much as she could. "I just love you, Finn. And I want you to know that despite everything, it's been completely worth it."
"I love you too," he whispered back, his gaze softening a bit before he dove back in, his lips and tongue moving deliciously slow across her skin. She wondered momentarily if they would even get around to swimming today or if they'd just spend the day wrapped in each others' arms, perhaps pushing the boundaries a little more. The latter thought didn't bother her in the least though, not when she could feel the heat and the hardness of him through his shorts and the way the muscles of his stomach clenched every time she let out a sigh or rolled her hips up into his.
She would never give up Broadway. But she'd never give up what it felt like to be with Finn either. Having both wasn't giving up on one or the other. It was a compromise. It was living out the potential of her future in various aspects.
And more than that, it was what she wanted.
once again, I hope you enjoyed and I'd appreciated it so much if you'd let me know your thoughts.