Okay quickly who loves Crimson1's Incubus? Anyone? I DO!! Hehe. Okay fangirl Squee over.
This is one of many Incubus fics I promised Crim but i've been a bit slack so I'm posting this now.
Okay so to say I'm posting this fic late is a complete understatement. I wrote it in March last year after yelling at Crismson that this plot had assaulted me in the middle of the night. However at the time I wrote it The Incubus Arc wasn't complete infact Crim had just started writing it. This fic offically falls between Chapter 84: WHat you earn and Chapter 85: Lessons. Crim and I had a laugh at how close we were but she asked me not to post it until after the arc was complete.
I promptly then forgot it was still living on my laptop complete but unread.
It gets a little AU towards the end because quite frankly it ran away with me. I worte furiously for a day and a half and it just kept getting longer and longer. Dean and Sasha just ran away with me although I didn't mind in the least. It was good fun.
Hey Crim if you're reading this... I finally posted it!!! Let me know what you think it shouldn't be the last either.
One last thing. The song is If There Was Any Other Way- Celine Dion. Fitting for the fic I think...
Now over to Dean and Sasha... How we love them...
If There Was Any Other Way
Dean Winchester had found himself trying to sleep for an hour but found himself too buzzed. He was sated, calm and happy but he was buzzed with success. Success that he had managed to hold the threshold on his jaunt with Epica and Attoinette as they taught him the do's and don't of being an Incubus.
Him. An Incubus… he'd given up hope that would ever happen. He hadn't cared.
No, that was wrong he did care. A lot. But he didn't care how he got to be with his lover as long as he was. With him.
He'd accepted that he only have his lover for as long as he was allowed, but now… now he could have him for longer.
He smiled as he thought of it. He hadn't been this truly happy for sometime. Finally something was going right. He knew it was wrong to feel so happy when his happiness was the very cause of some people being so unhappy, so pissed. But he couldn't help it. He'd never felt happiness like it in his life. It was addictive.
The two people he loved most in the world were happy, Sammy was currently curled up with his lover Sarah as they picked their way through a new relationship and Sasha… Sasha was right here with Dean. Where he should be.
Sasha Kelly. Even thinking his name made Dean smile. He was overcome by his own emotion for the incubus turned human. He didn't do chick flick moments but he found it so hard not too as an Incubus not when he was so connected to the emotions of those around him, not when he knew just how deeply Sasha loved him and Dean could honestly say he felt the same.
And when his training was done, and Sasha had had his fill of being a human Hunter Dean would initiate him and then finally, finally they'd have the eternity Dean had always hoped they'd get even if it took him longer than Sasha wanted for him to accept it. They would be together and Dean wanted that more than anything.
They deserved it
And Dean honestly believed that they could win this war regardless of how much everyone seemed to think it was important to do this as human. He'd prove that he didn't need to be human. That this wasn't about him. It was about working as a team they'd need everyone in the time to come. And he'd have Sasha. It was the one thing he did not want to have to give up. He would not allow anything to take Sasha from him again. Not when they had this chance. He couldn't ignore it, he had to take it.
He couldn't give Sasha up. He couldn't give up the future they would have now. Not for anything. Sasha came first why couldn't people understand that? He knew it was selfish but he was tried of giving everything he had, he had given this war everything he had until there was nothing left of him. He couldn't do it again. Why did people expect him too?
Sorry I know I'm late
Guess I lost all track of time
Started walking and couldn't stop
He looked down at Sasha curled up by his side with his head on his chest. He was flat out asleep and though Dean had tried he couldn't follow his lover. He was just so buzzed from earlier, from the feeding. It had been so intense.
Awesome on so many levels.
So hot.
And though he tried not to think about it too hard he knew that what he truly wanted was to feed from Sasha. In his head he knew he couldn't yet. It was too dangerous, but soon he would, soon. And then… well the fireworks would probably light up the Road House. Dean couldn't wait until he could but for now he would wait.
He loved Epica and Attoinette for how they were helping him how they had accepted him. He knew that he had surprised them with being able to hold the line, the threshold. Being able to wait. It had been hard but explosive. It had made him proud to be able to surpass their expectations like that. The twins were right he was made for this. He was an Incubus now.
Maybe he was finally where he was always meant to be. There was no doubt in his mind that this was IT for him. Sasha was it. He still didn't know why Heaven and Hell seemed to be fighting over him, why they both wanted him; to him this solved all the problems.
He could still fight the war like he was meant too but Hell didn't have the capability to force acceptance out of him either. It was a win/win situation. Win for Dean, win for Sasha and the rest of the world.
He resented that everyone seemed to think he was taking the easy way out. He was not a coward and he had been truthful before if he thought for one minute that his being an Incubus would change the outcome of the war he'd call the Trickster back in an instant.
Dean sighed and got out of bed careful to make sure Sasha was comfortable and didn't wake. But he knew he wasn't being entirely truthful with himself. He thought it was easier to lie because there was truth to what he thought. He honestly did not see why he had to be in this war. Why was he so important? He thought back to his conversation with Bobby and knew that the same doubts that had plagued him then plagued him now.
But Bobby was wrong if he thought Dean's motives were anything that would hurt Sasha. Dean was doing this for Sasha, because wanted to be happy. Because he wanted this chance and damn it if that didn't sound as foolish and as selfish as Bobby had hinted he might be acting.
But then as he had thought before, Bobby always knew. He remembered Bobby's words, "I know you'll make the right decision…" "Damn it!" Dean whispered. Why did it always fall to him to make the right decision why couldn't he just have this?
Because you know this isn't… He shut the thought down quickly he would not go there. He had made his decision and they would win this war with him as fae. There had to be way around this… there had to be.
He shook his head coming up with no way to make that a reality. He was tired of trying to make all his doubts into pieces that would make sense in the bigger picture of the coming war. He rubbed a hand over his face. He needed a break, a drink a rest from these doubts. He left the bedroom and headed for the bar promising to be back before Sasha woke up and knew any different.
Turning it over in my mind
Trying to make some sense of it
Trying to make the pieces fit
The next morning the work for the recruiting restarted Dean promised himself he would behave as he helped Sasha compile his list. But he couldn't help but steal kisses behind people's backs and send Sasha into a spin.
He laughed as he remembered this being on the opposite end of this when he hand Sasha were first getting together. It was a heady feeling to know that he had turned the tables and to know how Sasha truly felt about him, that he was truly sincere.
They continued to do their work and Epica and Attoinette stole him for an hour to once again concentrate on flying. If he was honest with himself it was this part he was terrified of. He had never liked flying his own wings didn't change that. Although he thought he could get used to it. He liked feeling the air through his hair and being in control of his body.
He wanted to feed again, to know he could control it so he could be with Sasha. It was like a compulsion, he knew he had to wait, but waiting it was driving him insane. He could feel the need deep inside him to be with Sasha and telling himself why he wasn't allowed wasn't enough.
He rubbed his face again and sat down on the edge of the roof. Epica sat down next to him. "Hey Gorgeous," She squeezed his arm. "What's wrong?" Dean looked at her and figured she was teaching him everything else why not ask?
What he was feeling was hard to put into words. "I'm not sure how to explain it." Dean said softly. "Try." Epica looked at him intently. "I'm finding it hard to stay away from Sasha." Dean said at last. "I know why I shouldn't have sex with him but it doesn't stop me wanting to push the boundary of what I can and can't do."
Epica looked at him and smiled softly, "That's the Mark. You know Sasha is yours but you haven't had sex with him, not since you changed so the incubi part of you wants to reconnect. That's normal Dean. I know it's hard. It won't be long before you can be with him again."
"It makes my head spin." Dean confided finding it easy to talk to Eppy even when he wasn't usually someone who shared his feelings. Being an Incubus seemed to make it easier. Perhaps it was because he felt the emotions around him now, almost like it was part of him. He was still good at hiding what he was feeling but among other incubi and succubae it was easy to talk about it.
"I've never been close to what you and Sasha have," Epica said finding his hand and squeezing it. "So I can't understand completely but know that Atty and I we won't keep you from him longer than we have too." Dean smiled. "I know. And just I forget later, thanks for doing this." Epica's smile was blinding in response.
He was training with the twins when he felt the air shift. He'd left Sasha with Sam telling his brother that under no circumstances was Sasha to come near him until later. The pull was driving him insane and he had decided to take some frustration out in training and the girls were putting him through his paces.
The air shifted and suddenly Castiel was stood in front of him. "Dean."
Dean smiled. "Cas. I'm pleased you came." Castiel's face didn't change he simply walked over to the twins who looked like they couldn't believe their eyes and touched their faces. They dropped to the floor.
Dean was already half way across the room before the girls hit the floor. "WHAT DID YOU DO?" He roared.
"We need to talk Dean," Castiel said simply. "Alone."
I thought I covered my tracks so well
But now he says he knew about it from the start
Yeah he knew about us all along
"You didn't have to knock them out Cas!" Dean said scandalised. "What did you do?" "They're sleeping they'll wake when I leave." He turned and looked at Dean his eyes intent. This was not the angel Dean had grown used too. There was no hint of a smile just anger and yeah, disappointment.
Dean tried to ignore how that made his heart shift and the guilty feeling in his stomach made him squirm but he pushed them down. He had made his decision he wasn't going to change his mind.
He wasn't. He and Sasha deserved this.
"I do not want people listening to what I have to say to you." Castiel said the same look on his face.
"Dean. I know you know how important this is…" He started to say but stopped when Dean held up his hand. "I told you before. I'm not giving this up Cas. I won't we can still win. You said that it might change the outcome of the war. Not that it would. We can win even if I'm not human."
"Dean." Castiel said in warning. "I've told you before, yes Malak cannot possess you while you are an Incubus but to do what is needed of you in the times to come you have to be human."
"Why?" Dean demanded. "Why do I have to be human? Malak had a hold over me when I was human. I chose him Cas!" Dean yelled. "How is that good for your side of the war? How would that make us win! This way he can't trick me again. I don't have to worry about it I can fight on the side I know is right! We will win!"
"You cannot run from this." Castiel said. "I know Malak scares you. I know you worry about Sam and Sasha and what he could make you do. But do not let your fear cloud your judgement, do not use this as an excuse to run from what is needed of you."
"I am not running!" Dean yelled. "I am not a coward!"
"You are far from a coward. Nor are you foolish or stupid but Dean you are acting as if you are. You have to stop this. You have to call the Trickster. You know this cannot end well. Why are you ignoring what you know?"
"How can this be bad?" Dean shot right back. "I get to be with the one person I love. I get to fight the war I want to fight and I don't get tricked into making a choice I would never make with a clear head. Tell me where the downside is to this?" Dean demanded.
Castiel sighed and shook his head looking even more disappointed than before. Dean's heart clenched again. He would have rather Castiel be angry because anger he could deal with. Damn Bobby and Castiel for seeing, for knowing what Sammy and Sasha had not.
"Dean listen to me… you have to stop this. I know it's hard." "You know no such thing." Dean snapped. "I wont!"
Castiel looked at him, "I don't know that we will loose for definite if you do not take this back. But I do know that if we loose there no doubt that people will die a lot of people. You do realise this?" Castiel asked. It was a stupid question.
"I realise." Dean said grimly. I realise more than anything.
"And you don't care?"
"Oh I care. I care a lot. But this is Sasha I'd do anything for him. We deserve this Cas. I don't expect you to understand it."
Dean turned round to talk to Castiel again but he was gone leaving Dean feeling lost and then the twins woke up and he had to explain that his angel had been to see him. Damn it.
Why did no one want him to happy? He could be happy. He could win this war. He didn't need to be human. But Castiel's words had planted more doubts and now the whispers were getting harder to ignore.
But damn it he would.
If there was any other way love
Don't you think I've tried to find it
Don't you think I want to stay
Dean went in search of Sasha so excited to tell him his news. He'd worked hard over the last three days and finally, finally the twins were happy with where he was in his feeding. One more feeding lesion and he could be with Sasha. He couldn't wait. He had to tell his lover.
One more lesson tonight and then… He couldn't help but remember how Sasha was when they had sex, all beautiful and needy…. He smiled. It was going to be explosive.
Dean opened the door and looked in seeing his lover was alone and had his head buried in a book. He crept up behind Sasha and then lent down and put his arms around Sasha and started kissing his neck.
"That better be my boyfriend otherwise I'm gonna have a jealous incubus storming in here." Sasha laughed. Dean laughed biting Sasha's neck. "Like I'd let anyone else near you."
Sasha turned in his seat and Dean pulled his head down into a heated kiss. Sasha didn't argue and kissed back hungrily. Dean wasted no time and ended up in Sasha's lap. He couldn't go all the way yet but damn it had been too long. He'd go as far as he could. He needed this. He needed something.
Now.
"It's been too long." Dean moaned between kisses. "It's killing me baby, you're killing me."
Sasha laughed quietly. "I'm killing you? Try the other way round. I can hardly think. You make my head spin Dean Winchester even when you're not near me. I feel you all the time." Sasha touched his cheek and Dean felt an influx of emotion from his lover.
Love, desire and overbearing hunger to be with Dean again. The temptation was so great he wanted that more than anything else.
Dean felt his eyes flash then and knew Sasha could feel his fangs.
"I knew you'd be hot Dean…" Sasha whispered "But Damn…" He seemed lost for words and then gave up and pulled Dean back towards him meeting Dean's unintentional downward thrust with a thrust of his own. Dean wanted more than anything to continue this but he knew he couldn't. "Sasha… baby…" He breathed between kisses.
"Mmm…" Sasha said kissing Dean again his tongue tangling with Dean's. "Baby. Stop. We have to stop."
Sasha pulled away his eyes wild. "Stop?" He demanded. Dean meshed his forehead against Sasha's. "I have to stop before I go too far. I can't run the risk of hurting you. As much as I am tempted. More than tempted. He rubbed himself against Sasha again and then got off Sasha's lap and put some distance between them.
Sasha looked as wild as he felt. "When?" He demanded. "I can't stand this! You have more control that any newly turned Incubus should." Dean smirked his eyes flashing again. "I know the twins are impressed. That's what I came to see you about. Before I got distracted. The twins think one more feed and then…" He smirked again running his eyes up and down Sasha's form.
"Then you're mine Sasha Kelly. All mine."
Sasha's eyes darkened again with lust. "I've always been yours Dean. I can't wait to feel you again." Dean tried to stop himself but he crossed the room in three seconds and attacked Sasha's mouth with his own.
They kissed heatedly for a few minutes and then pulled away. "I need to go before I jump you." Dean said pulling a hand through his hair. "I need to go cool off."
"No cooling off tonight though." Sasha said. "No." Dean's eyes flashed again. "Not tonight."
If there was any other way love
There's no way out of this
There just ain't any other way
He left the room and decided to turn towards his bedroom to get a shower. He ran into Sam and nearly went flying. Sam laughed and steadied him. "Running from something Dean?" He laughed. "Oh yeah." Dean said.
Sam had been amazingly tolerant of Dean's choice to train as an incubus after he and Sam had had it out. He'd even come to a few of the lessons with the twins and particularly found Dean's learning to fly amusing.
Dean hadn't saw the funny side which only made Sam laugh more. "How are you doing Sammy?" He asked. Sam smiled. "We're getting there. I was coming to see how Sasha was going but is there any point?"
"I didn't ask how much he'd got done." Dean said truthfully. "But I didn't distract him too much." Sam rolled his eyes. "Yeah. Right."
"Dean that's like saying Sasha doesn't distract you. You're both as bad as each other." "I was good." Dean said. "Only because I had to be."
Sam laughed. But then Dean saw the shift in his little brother. This might turn serious soon. "How are you really Dean? You haven't really mentioned what Castiel talked about…"
Dean shook his head and decided to stay as close to the truth as he could. "Not really a lot to say Sammy. He asked me again to reconsider and I told him no. I know we can win this. And I want a chance to try at my happiness."
Sam frowned but said nothing. "Okay…" Dean through an arm around his baby brother. "Relax Sammy I promised you. If I thought for a minute we couldn't do this I wouldn't be so set on it." Then he smirked.
"So you and Sarah finally got round to it huh?" Sam's face dissolved into horror and he said, "Just because you know doesn't mean you're meant to bring it up!" He snapped. Dean laughed.
"That was too easy. Incubus now remember? Sex is in my blood." Sam rolled his eyes but hew as smiling. They were now outside Dean's room and he said, "I'm just gonna get some stuff and I'll meet you downstairs okay?" Sam nodded.
"I'll keep you away from jumping Sasha." Dean laughed and said, "You'll have too. I'll be two minutes."
He opened the door and started collecting some things together. He caught Wally sat watching in the corner. She was shaking. "Hey girl." He picked her up. "What's wrong?" He ran a hand over her.
"Well hello beautiful,"
Dean spun at the sound of the voice and found Malak smiling at him his eyes roaming over Dean's new body. He was stood against the wall, dressed in black with one foot up against it. He looked; Dean could think it, sexy. Sexy and dangerous. Not a good combination when Malak was involved.
Dean could feel the power oozing off him. The desire, the greed and the under lying anger. Malak was smiling but Dean wouldn't let his guard down, Dean had changed the rules, or rather the rules had been changed for him. But he was under no illusion that Malak did not like this turn of events.
Dean went to take a step back Wally jumped from his arms and streaked out the room as the door slammed shut.
Dean went to yell but Malak held up his hand, "Now, Now Dean. Don't think I'm that stupid. They can't hear you. I've brought you here to talk. Just you and me." Malak
"Well Dean I have to say this changes things." Dean held Malak's gaze. He would not be intimidated. He would not. "When are you going to give up?" He demanded with bravado he just didn't feel.
"My dear Dean," Malak said finally moving away from the wall and stalked across the room. "You doubt my devotion to you and our cause? You are mine."
"I belong to no one. I am not yours. Nor was I ever yours!" Dean said strongly hoping his voice wasn't as shaky as he felt. He would not let Malak win. Not again.
"Oh but you are. You will renounce this form Dean. This is not your destiny." "My destiny is none of your concern." Dean all but screamed. "I am not yours. I choose Sasha."
"Oh how very romantic. You surprise me Dean." Malak said running a hand down Dean's chest. "Like hell." Dean snarled. "Like I told your lapdog? Between you and them, Sammy and Sasha? You. Don't. Win."
"You are mine Dean." Malak said his eyes glittered. "Being an Incubus will not let you run from that. Demon Blood. If I am not mistaken you are more mine than before."
"No." Dean whispered shaking his head. "No." "Dean," Malak's voice was seductive, dangerous as he circled but Dean forced himself to stay still. "Why won't you realize how much easier all of this would be if you just chose me. Sam and Sasha would be fine, protected, as I've promised you."
"Fuck you," Dean snarled right in Malak's face. He reflected this was getting to be a habit. One Malak seemed to like. "Always so defiant my beautiful," He touched Dean again and Dean fought back bile.
"I knew I had chosen well. Besides like I told you when Solrin was trying to get you to see sense, there is something different inside of you. It makes you stand out. I would end the world to make sure you are with me."
"Isn't that right Solrin?" Malak grinned as Solrin appeared in the room his grey eye once again uncovered.
Solrin looked exactly as Dean remembered him and Dean's failure once again washed over him as he watched the young man. Solrin turned and looked at Dean,
"Dean," He gasped rushing forward touching Dean's face almost as reverent as before. "What have they done to you…?" Dean forced himself to stay still expecting to be hurt. But Solrin's face became astonished as he looked back at Malak.
"How can that be? I see no darkness. No false faces. The light burns as before. Brighter." "Dean you're light it shines in the dark and burns away the shadows. You must see this. There is none like you…."
"And I fight for that light!" Dean said not knowing where his voice was coming from. "But not for him. Never for him." He motioned to where Malak was watching smiling.
"Can't you accept where you belong Dean?" Malak asked. His voice was soft, Dean would have said tender but he knew better. "You belong with me." Malak said touching Dean's face. "You are mine." Te certainty in his tone almost broke Dean.
"No. Not anymore. Not ever."
"You will be. Granted this changes things. But you cannot run from Destiny Dean, you cannot run from me. You will be mine."
"Good luck with that now. You have no hold over me." Dean said strongly but it didn't stop the doubt. So many doubts. Had he really made the right choice not to reverse this? He kept his face impassive.
Solrin moved forward then caressing Dean's face with that look Dean hated. "You will join us Dean." He whispered. "We just have to take away what corrupts you."
"No one is ever taking what I love away from me ever again." Dean said. "I know Malak's promises are dust. I know what is good and what is evil. You are standing on the wrong side of this war. I will not join you."
"So much darkness around you Dean. How can you turn away when you have the exact opposite inside you?" Solrin asked shaking his head. Dean felt pity for the guy. His sense of light and dark was so screwed and it wasn't even his fault.
"We must take what corrupts you." Solrin said. And before Dean could move Dean felt a sharp pain in his side he looked down and saw Solrin had an iron knife.
"We must let the light burn without the corruption." Solrin whispered.
Dean was starting to feel faint. The pain was already radiating from the wound there was only one thing that could make him feel this way.
"Iron…" Dean whispered he could feel it already spreading through his system and he fell to his knees. Malak stood over him. "I can make it all go away…" His voice was hazy and Dean struggled to concentrate as he started to convulse.
"Choose me Dean and I can make it all go away. We will be glorious my beautiful just say the word…"
Malak had his hand in Dean's. "Come on Dean say it…" Dean was sobbing with the pain; it was pain beyond endurance he knew he didn't have long left so he did the only thing he could.
He screamed,
"CAS!
There was a blinding white light and then Dean lost his effort to stay conscious and blacked out.
Maybe I'd better be leaving now
But there's something I want you to understand before I go
Sometimes we don't have a choice when we play and break the rules
Dean blinked and then groaned softly feeling like he had been hit with a truck. He finally managed to prize his eyes open and wondered what he and his boys had been drinking the night before to make him feel so rough.
He managed to focus after the double vision faded and he realised he was in his and Sasha's room in the Road House. He looked down and realised Sasha was curled up at his side on the bed and Sam was curled round him awkwardly on the other side.
What. The. Hell.
"Hello Dean." A voice said softly. Dean glanced to the end of the bed and found Castiel sat at the end of it.
"Cas?" Dean asked
"How are you feeling?" Castiel asked. "Wrecked. Feel like the Impala tried to run me over." Dean said truthfully. "What happened?"
"You don't remember?" Castiel asked looking at Dean intently. As Castiel asked Dean started to get flashes of Malak and Solrin and it all came flooding back. "Ouch." He said running his hand down his side.
"You should have called earlier Dean." Castiel sounded exasperated. "You may not be human but you still are my responsibility. I could have helped you. I cannot see through Malak's power."
"I thought I could handle it." Dean said truthfully. "I didn't expect him to pull an iron knife on me. He wasn't getting anywhere with me." "No. He wasn't." Castiel said he stood and moved towards the head of the bed. "When will you stop getting yourself into trouble?" Castiel asked almost to himself.
Dean realised that he didn't exactly feel hungry. He knew from experience from Sasha the closer to death incubi were the more the needed to feed. He felt okay.
"You will… need to feed." Castiel said looking at him. Like he was reading his thoughts. "But I have taken the edge off. I did what I could for you. You are no longer human I could not heal you completely."
"Thank-you." Dean said it was simple but heartfelt. Castiel said nothing but there was a smile pulling at his lips and he nodded.
"Cas?" Dean asked remembering. "What did Malak and Solrin mean by my light?" Castiel looked at him sharply but said nothing. In fact he just vanished. "Right." Dean muttered but then he felt his boys starting to stir.
He looked down at Sasha and stroked his lover's cheek. Sasha's eyes fluttered and he found himself looking into sleepy blue eyes. "Hey baby." Dean said softly.
"Dean." His name was like a prayer.
Suddenly he had an arm full of a dark haired hunter. "Hey, baby. I'm okay. I'm okay."
"Dean. Thank-God." Sam said hugging his brother between himself and Sasha. "You scared the shit out of us Dean." Sam said bluntly. "What happened?"
"You mean you don't know?" Dean asked astounded. Sam shook his head. "You were taking ages and we came back up to find you and Castiel was here leaning over you. Healing you. He said we had to stay with you. That you had been hurt."
"You were out so long." Sasha said touching Dean like he couldn't believe he was real. "If I didn't know better I'd have said it was iron poisoning." Dean didn't want to tell them.
"It was." Dean whispered.
"WHAT?" Sam yelled. "Sammy," Dean moaned. "My head. Don't." "Iron?" Sasha asked. His eyes were wide and it looked like he was close to tears. "I nearly lost you. Again." Sasha whispered burying his head in Dean's neck.
"Oh God. You'll need to feed…" Sasha said trying to get up. "We need to get you somewhere to feed." "Slow down Baby…" Dean said. "Cas took the edge off. I'll be okay for a while I'm just exhausted."
"What happened?" Sam asked. "What do you think happened?" Dean asked rolling his eyes. "Malak. He was less than pleased with my decision. He had Solrin hurt me and then tried to get me to choose him while I was dying. I called Cas instead."
"I will find away to kill him." Sam snarled. His eyes flashed. "Sammy," Dean said softly. "Don't. It's not worth it. We'll beat him… I'm okay… I swear. Just tried…"
He was still exhausted and he could feel himself needing to sleep. "Sleep Dean." Sam said softly. "We'll talk later." Dean was asleep before Sam had even stopped talking.
He woke up later and god, now he knew what Sasha meant by hungry. It assaulted him. He forced himself to stay still. He could feel Sasha beside him, he wanted him but he didn't trust himself. How did he know he wasn't going to hurt his lover… he'd never live if something happened to Sasha.
So he gritted his teeth and held it off. He couldn't feed from Sasha. Not this close. What if he couldn't hold back? Sasha, however, had other ideas.
Dean hadn't realised Sasha was awake until he felt little biting kisses on his shoulder then his neck and suddenly Sasha was straddling him. "I know you're hungry Dean." He whispered kissing Dean's collar bone. "How you even lasted this long I'm not sure."
"You. Need. To. Feed." He kissed up Dean's neck between words until he reached his mouth and then kissed Dean hard and ground down against Dean. Dean groaned into the kiss. He was already rock hard. He was so hungry. That was all it took and Dean lost his battle and flipped them pinning Sasha under him.
"Sasha," he whispered. "You have to stop."
"Dean…" Sasha whispered. "You need to feed." He said. "I know you can do this. I trust you. Let me help you." He thrust up against Dean his eyes dark with lust. "Let me feel you. I've missed you. I want you." He moaned as he pulled Dean down for a heated kiss.
He broke the kiss and said, "Dean… please. I can't…"
Dean felt his eyes flash and kissed Sasha again Sasha again. "You know what that does to me." He growled. Sasha smiled again running a hand through Dean's hair. "You're Incubus is showing." He whispered.
Dean laughed remembering when he had once said that to Sasha. "It's you. I have no control. I don't want to control it." He kissed harshly again running his hand down Sasha's chest and squeezed Sasha through his sleep pants. Sasha groaned none too quietly.
Dean knew he was going to loose this argument. He also knew that he could hold the threshold. He had wanted this, now he needed this. He slowly opened the circuit knowing instinctively how and watched as Sasha's eyes widen and darken further.
"Dean…" He purred. "Please… Do something!" Dean grinned now more confident that he wasn't going to hurt Sasha. "Baby… are you hungry for me?" He asked seductively in the brunette's ear. "Coz I'm starving for you." Dean grinned and laughed when he found himself pinned under a very determined hunter.
"Now Dean." Sasha said his eyes wide. "Now." Dean laughed drunk on feeling of Sasha and the feelings they were sharing through the circuit and the mark.
He kissed Sasha and thrust up and then flipped them over. The Incubus was well and truly out and Dean loved every minute of it.
I just had to see you darlin', one more time
If only just to say good-bye
'Cos he knew about us all the time
The next morning when he and Sasha found their way into the bar Dean was attacked by the twins. "Oh thank god." Atty said her head buried in Dean's shoulder. Eppy simply held on. "You're okay," She chanted over and over.
"Whoa!" Dean said pulling free of the Twins. "I'm okay ladies seriously. Just a scratch I'm fine." "You were not fine. How the hell did you…" Epica looked at him. "I don't want to know. I just want to know you're okay." "You have my word." Dean said softly. He made his way through the people around him giving them the same assurances until he reached his brother and Sam didn't speak he just pulled Dean into a hug.
"Jesus." Sam said. "That was close. Again. Dean stop doing this to us." "I don't mean too Sammy." Dean said meaning every word. "But I'm still here. He didn't beat me and he won't. You have to believe that otherwise we've already lost." Echoing something similar to what he had said to Sasha after Sol and the incident with Adrian.
"I believe you and I believe in you Dean. That doesn't stop me wanting to rip Malak apart for what he is doing to you." Sam shook his head pulling a hand through his hair. Dean shook his head.
"No Sammy. He's not worth it and as long as I believe in you and Sasha. Choose you and Sasha. He can't touch me. I'm not going to fail now, or ever." Sam looked at him regarding his words but Dean held his gaze. He was getting good at this lie. At deceiving those that wanted to know how he was feeling. He wasn't lying the problem lay in how he was going to do it.
"Dean." Sam said forcing Dean to look at him. "I know you asked me to let you have the chance to try and I will. I can't take that from you after everything you've done. Everything you've give up but please…" Sam closed his eyes and he looked more serious than Dean had seen him.
"Please be sure. I want you to have your forever with Sasha I do. If anyone deserves it's you. But Malak is willing to do just about anything to get you. Before you make your choice be sure. I can't…" Sam trailed off and looked away.
"I can't loose you again. I just can't. Be sure. Be sure before you do this." Dean didn't know what to say so he didn't say anything. He put his hand on Sam's shoulder and said, "I'm sure Sam. We can win and I'm not going anywhere. Not now. Not ever. You'll always have me." Sam smiled a watery smile and then as quick as it had come the chick flick moment was over and the brothers were back to laughing like nothing had happened.
But Dean couldn't ignore the worry and doubt coming from Sam which only made his own worse. Damn it. Having a conscience sucked. He was doing the damn right thing….wasn't he?
If there was any other way love
Don't you think I've tried to find it
Don't you think I want to stay
Dean opened the door and found Castiel waiting for him on the other side of the door. He looked at Castiel and back at the door and then said, "I'm dreaming aren't I?" he asked. Castiel didn't look at him at first but when he turned round his blue eyes were intent and as serious as Dean had ever seen them. "We need to talk Dean."
Dean rolled his eyes. "About what?" "This was not part of the plan." Castiel parroted what he had said before. "We've been over this." Dean said "And yet you are acting like a fool when I know you are far from one." Castiel shot right back.
"Why the hell is it so important that I'm human?" Dean spat. "Far as I could see Malak had more damn hold over me than I was human. Why does it fall to me to fix the world?"
The disappointment and anger that Dean had seen on Castiel's face before had come back. "You are not a selfish person Dean why are you acting like one?" "Because I'm not the person you think I am!" Dean screamed throwing his hands up in the air. "I'm not a hero. I just do what I do because I can't turn my back what I know. I work as part of a team not alone. I'm not who you think I am."
"You have not turned you back before now Dean," Castiel said. "I know the price we asked…" He trailed off as he looked at Dean. Dean, at that moment was so angry he couldn't speak.
"You know the prince you asked?" He demanded. "You can't even begin to imagine what you asked. I gave everything I ever had for my family for this fight, for other people and I never even asked for a thank-you. And now I ask one thing. I ask to be with the one person I love most in the world and you ask me to give it up? You have no idea the price I've paid to do what you ask. To do the right thing."
Dean turned away from Castiel and he heard Castiel's voice from across the room. "Give up your incubus form Dean…" Castiel said angrily… "Sorry…" Dean said calmly. "No. I won't force Sasha to suffer because you think I'm something I'm not. I won't jump because you tell me to Cas. I won't."
"I'm asking you to think of all the people you put at risk." Castiel said softly. "When have I ever not thought of them?" Dean demanded. "I want this one thing and no one seems to want me to have it. But then I guess a hammer like you wouldn't care would you? The one thing I ask for myself…" Dean trailed off and shook his head.
Castiel stepped forward and put his hand on Dean's shoulder. "I wish I did not have to ask this of you Dean but I have little choice. We are one step closer to hell on earth and that's not an expression Dean. You of all people should appreciate what that means. Only you can stop it as your human self."
Dean lost it again. "Why is it so important that I be human?" Dean screamed. "I would not abandon my friends, my family we will all fight…" "Malak was right about some things Dean." Castiel said softly.
Dean's eyes widened. That wasn't something he would ever expect to hear the angel say. "He is right, that boy Solrin is right because there has never been someone like you. That light they see inside of you is real…."
"Light? Everyone keeps mentioning this light but I'm not the special kid here. Sam is. I'm just the big brother. The one that has to protect him." Dean pulled a hand over his face.
Castiel sighed. "You have to be human because you have to make the right choice neutrally. If you were to choose Malak then he would win. That is not an exaggeration you are more important than you know." Castiel took a step forward. You are star among stars. The rare light that burns any shadow it touches."
"You are an angel fallen."
If there was any other way love
There's no way out of this
There just ain't any other way
What. The. Hell.
"Come again?" Dean asked his eyes wide.
Castiel looked at him then and his eyes were almost as reverent as Sol's and Dean cast that memory aside before the pain started.
Castiel looked and nodded. "The light they speak of it's the Grace of the Angels. The Grace of those born to serve our father."
Castiel looked. "The light you have. It's the Grace of the angels. Once you were an angel that fell in the last battle against Lucifer. You were the brother he wanted at his side. Without you he knew he would fail. But you fell in battle. The older angels speak of your fall as the turn of the battle. You stopped him." Castiel stepped forward and Dean stepped backwards.
"We've never known an Angel be reborn as a human, not unless they ripped out their Grace and fell but you didn't… and now…" Castel looked at him.
"You're here." Castiel looked. "You don't know how rare that is. How special as a human you are one of our father's children. One of his neutral souls. One that could go one way or the other. That is why you have to be human because the side that has you will win."
"Me? An angel?" Dean backed up. "No. you're wrong. I never even believed before I met Dave Almighty. No I'm not who you think I am." Castiel looked at him and said, "Yes Dean. You are. You are exactly who we think you are. You are the one person that stood directly against Malak."
"The one that defied him to his face." Castiel's eyes were wide. "You have no idea how rare that was; the other angels that had been approached by the Morning Star were blinded by his light. Not you. And in that moment you were brighter than he. That is why he needs you. Because with you he will win. Because you were the only one to openly defy him without Michael's orders."
Castiel looked at him. "You must know you are different, if even as a human you can defy him. No other man could have done what you did that night."
"Cas," Dean said taking another step backwards. "You're wrong. I'm not who you think I am."
"But you are Dean." Castiel said.
"No!" Dean yelled, "No Castiel. You will not make me change my mind. I won't!" "Dean…" Castiel said softly. "No Cas!" Dean yelled. "I won't be forced into making the choice you want me too. Let me go. Now. My answer won't change."
Castiel sighed. "I can't force you to change your decision Dean, you're decisions are your own but you realise that if you do this a lot of people will die." "could die. That's what you told me." Dean amended. "I'm not going to hinge my future on maybes. But never the less yes I realise."
"And you don't care." "Oh I care." Dean said. "But I'm not giving up the fight I never intended too. And I won't give up what I have the chance of having with Sasha. I can't."
Castiel looked at him again. "Fine. Your choices are your own." And without trying to talk to Dean again there was a noise of flapping wings and then Castiel was gone. Dean blinked and he was back in his bed wrapped round Sasha.
His hunter had never moved. Dean was thankful for that. Sasha cuddled in further on his chest. Sasha's presence calmed him and he felt his exhaustion claimed him again.
I never wanted it to be like this
I never meant to get serious
But now the thought of losing you
Takes some getting used to
Dean stood on a battlefield. The angels had gone to war against their most trusted, most revered brother. Many wept for what they were about to do. Dean was stood with Castiel, his blood brother, both had their swords in their hand. Both were ready for the battle both knew they may never come back from.
Castiel watched his brother for a moment and Dean looked at him feeling Castiel's intense gaze. "Castiel!" He said exasperated. "You know I dislike it when you do that. Ask brother! Just ask!" Castiel ducked his head at getting caught.
He still felt like he had so much to learn even though he was under the wing of one of the most experienced Angels. One of their father's best warriors. He should have known he couldn't hide. Not from his blood brother. Not when his mentor had taught him everything and was part of him. Still it was hard to say out loud.
"I heard from Anna that Malak approached you." Castiel asked.
Dean looked sharply at him. "If you know that then you should also know what my answer was." Castiel bowed his head. "I never thought anything differently my brother," Castiel looked up and Dean could see the worry in his eyes. "I just worry for you. Malak has always had an interest. You were close once." "Before he betrayed me, our father, everything we stand for." Dean said strongly. "I know him no longer. He is no longer our brother Castiel." Dean shook his head. "The dark I see in him…"
Dean shook his head. "No, there aren't words for what I saw in him. What I've seen him do. Brother or no I cannot stand by and watch him end our father's creation. If I must I will stop him myself…"
The battle was long and Dean lost Castiel in the fray. He knew he was okay. The bond between them would have told him if something had happened. He thanked their father for that.
"My brother," A voice said Dean spun his sword held high a war cry on his lips. Malak stood not two feet from him. Beautiful in a way only the Morning Star could ever be. "My brother, you would run from me." Malak's voice was disappointed. "We could take this world together." "You had my answer on that matter Malak. I will not join you to see Earth fall to ruin. I will not let you let the world fall into Darkness if I have to kill you now I will do it."
Malak laughed and the darkness Dean had been able to see spilled out of him. How had their brothers and sisters not seen this? "I find that hard to believe my beautiful…" Malak said taking another step forward.
"I will do what is necessary to keep the world free of you." Dean said strongly. Things quickly went from bad to worse. Malak asking him to join Dean denying him the clash of their swords echoed across the field and the other angels had stopped to watch.
Dean had beaten Malak. He was bloody and the wound in his side oozed continuously running down his tunic leg. But Malak was done. Dean's sword of Justice had seen to that. He was finished.
But Malak would not let that be the end. He had decided long before the battle that if he could not have his brother, his confident, his friend, and his most trusted General. The most powerful warrior in all of their father's world then the others would not have them either.
Dean took his eyes off Malak for a moment and he struck like a snake. Caught Dean in neck and Dean knew the strike was a Death Blow but he did not flinch from Malak. "You may have won this round but I will be back and on that day you will see everything you build fall to ruin." Dean felt the pain and felt himself fading away. He was leaving his brothers… he had failed…
"Dean!" A voice yelled as Dean opened his eyes a scream dying on his lips he fought the hands that held him down.
"Dean Stop it's us!" Still he fought still in the thrall of nightmare. "Dean! Please stop!" Dean stopped as the voices filtered into his brain.
Sasha. Sam.
He finally realised where he was. The Roadhouse. His bedroom. With Sasha. He finally managed to meet their eyes they looked at him worried. "I'm okay." He said looking at them.
"Fuck." He said. "That was well and truly shit." He said truthfully. "I'm okay." He said again. "Dean…" Sam said. "Dude," Dean said putting his hand up. "I'm okay now. Nightmare. A very shit nightmare. Sorry I woke you." Thankfully neither Sam nor Sasha asked. Dean thought they might think he had been dreaming of Hell. He was prepared to let them think it, because it was better than the alternative.
What the hell was happening to him? Had he simply made it up because he and Cas had been talking about it? But no Dean could feel the sword in his hands, feel the clash as he and Malak had fought. Felt the blood on his face. His heartbreak at leaving Castiel and the others at Malak's wrath and his fury and his promise to return…
He put his head to his knees. "I'm okay." He said looking at knees. He thanked god he and Sasha were sleeping in boxers. Not that he cared at that moment. "You're not Dean." Sasha said. "I may not be an incubus but I know enough to know your emotions are all over the place."
He sat next to Dean and tentively put his hand on Dean's thigh. "It did a number on me." Dean allowed. "I won't pretend it didn't. But I'll survive not my first rodeo having a nightmare. I swear I'm okay."
But Dean certainly was not okay. This had made his life more complicated the doubts in his stomach made sense now. He didn't want them too but they did. He tried to ignore them. Ignore what he had dreamed.
He fended off questions from the trouble twins and insisted he just wanted to sleep. He wasn't lying he did want to sleep but he was under no illusion he was going too. Sasha and Sam shared a look but knowing they would get no more out of Dean they gave up.
Dean could see the dawn creeping in through the drapes he had given up trying to sleep about two hours ago. He could still hear the war cries across the field the sound of sword crashing with swords the crash and screams of battle and the dying and the wounded. More than anything he could still see Malak's face as he attacked Dean. So triumphant.
Not. Fucking. Likely.
Seeing Malak's face even in his head like that, covered in blood from battle, covered in the blood of angels made Dean antsy. He looked down at Sasha who was sleeping next to him. Sasha was his God given Solace. Without him Dean knew he would have been in a worse way than he was now. But he couldn't stay so like he had before he climbed from bed and left his lover sleeping and made his way to the roof.
He was sat watching the sunrise when he felt someone join him. Dean looked as Castiel sat down. "Let me guess you're here for the I told you so…" "No." "Oh good coz I'm really not that interested…" Dean didn't even look at Castiel but he could feel the angel's eyes on him.
"You know…" Castiel said trailing off. "Is it real?" Dean asked. "Don't bullshit me either." "I wouldn't do that to you Dean. But yes it's real. Very real. I have missed you my brother."
Castiel looked at him and Dean got caught in his gaze. "I can't be what you say Cas, I just can't." Dean said but he didn't move. "Whether you believe it or not you have choices to make." Castiel said softly. "Easy for you to say." Dean said.
Castiel didn't look at him but he spoke softly, "Can I tell you something if you promise not to tell another soul?" "Okay…" Dean said looking out over the roof of the Roadhouse.
"I'm not a… hammer as you say, I have questions I have doubts I don't know what is right and wrong anymore. But in the coming time you will have more decisions to make. And becoming human is one of them. I know the price you have to pay. I don't envy the weight you have to carry Dean. I truly don't."
"And yet you ask me to pay it." Dean said looking out over the horizon.
"I'm sorry Dean." "No." Dean said pulling a hand through his hair. "You're not. Not really. You don't know the feeling." He knew that much. "Still I have watched you… I know the choice you make…" "You have no idea." Dean said his voice dripping with pain and venom. "How could you?"
Castiel looked directly at Dean then. "Because I once made the same one. I had so many doubts after the battle we had given so much. I lost my faith. I wanted to rip out my Grace. I wanted to fall. Become human…."
"Wait a minute, angels can become human…" "It hurts but it can be done." Was the simple answer. "Why would you want to do that…?" Castiel just looked at Dean his blue eyes bright, something flashed in his eyes before he looked away. "I would have done it in a heartbeat. I had my reasons once."
Dean just looked at Castiel. "What reason could you possibly have had to do that?" Dean asked unable to comprehend it.
After you fell…" He shook his head. "I just wanted to die. I contemplated becoming human." He looked up and his eyes were soft and full of pain. "Dean I would have given anything for you. But in the end I could not do what I wanted. I could not fall. I understand better than you think. I had given so much I just wanted to do something for myself but in the end I couldn't."
He looked at Dean then, "I had to go on. I have to live with the choice I make and everyday I wonder if I made the right one. But I see a war coming and I know I'm where I need to be to fight it. The choice you make will be up to you."
Dean was about to say something but when he looked at where Castiel had been sat it was empty.
"Dean?" Dean turned as he saw Sasha stood just off to the side. "You should have woke me." Sasha said softly. "I woke up and I couldn't find you."
"I'm sorry baby." Dean said honestly.
"I couldn't bare to wake you; you looked like you needed the sleep." Sasha sat down next to him. "You need me more." Dean smiled. "You're here now." He lent over and kissed Sasha softly. Sasha smiled softly and interlaced their fingers they said nothing more watching the sunrise from the roof.
If there was any other way love
Don't you think I've tried to find it
Don't you think I want to stay
Dean didn't really know what to do with himself after hearing what Castiel had told him. What he had dreamed about. He wanted to just curl up again with Sasha and forget all about it. But he knew he couldn't. How could he? How could he when he was sure this changed things. When he knew he would be turning his back on something that was bigger than him.
He hadn't cared before but now it was different. Now he was starting to understand why Malak wanted him. Why it was important he was human. He was starting to understand and he hated every minute of it.
Because Castiel was right he was being selfish, foolish and he was neither of those things. He just wanted to be with Sasha. He wanted that more than he wanted his next breath but he knew he couldn't turn his back on the world if the world truly needed him.
He felt his heart begin to splinter at the thought at what he might have to give up. Why did no one want his happiness?
Dean hadn't thought the heartbreak could possibly get much worse. How could it when he was starting to realise that the only way for this damn war to end was to give up the one person he loved most in the world. Give up his only chance to be with his lover forever it tore his heart apart.
He found himself in the bar late one night Sasha was with the twins, Dean having pushed them in their direction for sometime to themselves. Dean, meanwhile just wanted to drink himself into a stupor and forget everything that was going on inside his head.
"Dean?" Dean turned round and he swiped his tears as Sam came into view. "Sammy." He smiled. "Mind if I join you?" Dean shook his head. "No, knock yourself out." He motioned at the stool.
"So what's going on with you?" Sam asked as he poured himself a slack handed drink. "I've been waiting patiently for a couple of days. Figured you'd tell me. You haven't. So I'm asking."
"What do you mean?" Dean knew exactly what Sam was talking about but it wasn't something he was about to own up to it.
"Dean…" Sam said forcing Dean to look at him. "Don't bullshit me. I know you better than anyone. Even Sasha. You're my big brother I'd die for you. And there's something eating you. I can see it."
"I've just had a lot on my mind." Dean said truthfully. What a fucking understatement. He thought.
"I know that." Sam said exasperated, "But if you don't tell me what you're thinking I can't help you." Dean looked at him and said, "I don't even know what I'm thinking Sammy," Dean said softly. "I can't talk about it yet. I just can't."
"Is this about you being an Incubus?" "Partly." Dean said truthfully. He looked at Sam. "Sammy, I want this more than anything." He whispered. "But everyone keeps telling me it's wrong. Telling me I can't have my happiness."
"Dean… I know it's hard but…" Sam trailed off at the look on Dean's face. "You know it's hard?" Dean asked he could feel his eyes glowing. "Sorry if I find that hard to believe Sam."
"Hunting is hard Dean," Sam said softly. "We've all lost something." Dean nodded. He didn't want to argue with Sam not again. "I know." He whispered. He looked down his heart breaking at the thought of what he had to do.
He poured himself another drink and Sam, sensing his brother's inner turmoil he let the subject drop, instead refilling his glass with a shot of vodka from the bottle on the bar. Dean thought it looked more like a triple. Sam seemed to be slack handed with the bottle on the bar and Dean didn't really care.
He was thankful his brother was here. Even if they weren't saying much. This allowed him to escape the rolling emotions for a moment. Allowed him not to think. Even for a night. He needed it and Sam seemed to know it.
"When you can talk about it…" Sam said after a drink. "You know I'm here Dean. I want you to be happy. I wish that more anything. I hate what this is doing to you."
"Not just me bro." Dean said softly. He looked at Sam. "But I appreciate the offer. Thanks." He took a drink relishing the burn down his throat. He hurt too much inside, the confusion and heartache tearing him apart; it was nice to have something physical to concentrate on. He downed the vodka quickly and poured another shot.
They hardly spoke but they drank together, both knowing they were happier together than apart. Sam keeping an eye on his brother but chasing away his own demons as they drank together.
The next morning Sam staggered back downstairs to find Dean asleep head down on the bar. Remembering the time Sasha and himself had been in that state he winced. Dean had to be hurting more than he thought. He cursed himself for not seeing it. There was more than one bottle of vodka empty. He woke Dean up without comment and helped him to bed.
Neither brother mentioned it and Dean showed no sign of feeling the pressures of drinking himself almost sober the night before. And for Dean's sake Sam never mentioned it to Sasha who it seemed, had had his own little party with the twins and was none the wiser. Much to Dean's relief. He and Sam planned to keep it that way.
If there was any other way love
There's no way out of this
There just ain't any other way
Dean sat on the roof of the Road House again; it was becoming something of a comfort zone for him. This time he was alone. No angels or dark haired hunters joined him this time.
He had to be alone now to think this through. There had to be another way. there had to be another way he could lead this war…Lead Dean scoffed right…do his thing in this war and not have to give up the one thing that meant most to him in the world.
Why did it have to be him? Why was he so special even after everything Cas had told him he still did not believe he was what they needed. He needed time to think about what he saw, what he had been told, what he didn't want to believe. He wasn't what they thought he was. He needed time to think while the others weren't watching.
He needed to scream. He wanted this more than anything but… there was always a but, always something he had to give up. Always something standing in the way of his happiness and he had never been selfish enough to turn his back before.
But he was thinking about it now. He hated that he was thinking about it, now when there was so much at stake but he couldn't help it. Why did it always have to be him? There had to be another way. There had to be.
He thought about all he had given up and found it hard not to resent it. He knew he was being selfish but for once he wanted to be. He sat looking at the stars, there was virtually no light so he could see them and he found himself thinking about his dad. He'd tried not to think of his dad because he knew if he did he'd be forced to think of what his dad would think right now.
"Why Dad?" He asked the sky. "Why does it have to be me? Am I not allowed to be happy?" He blinked back tears and laughed cynically. "I think I know what you'd say. Your happiness for everyone else's lives no contest…but why?" He stood up and focused on a star and said, "It's not just about me anymore dad. It's about Sasha too. Do I have to give his and my happiness for everyone else?"
He started pacing the rooftop.
"Why is it up to me to save these people? Why do I have to be some kind of hero? I'm not who everyone seems to think me to be." He clenched his fists and wanted to scream. "Everyone seems to think I can fix this. I don't even know where to start!"
He threw the beer bottle that he'd brought into the roof as hard as he could. He heard it smash somewhere in the distance. It did nothing for his mood. A single tear fell down his face.
"Why us? Why do we have to sacrifice everything? Its… " NOT FAIR He wanted to scream. "Why do I have to give up having a life with the one person I love? Why do I have to force him to live eternity alone because he chose the one person to love who couldn't give him what he wanted?" He didn't have the answers, none that satisfied him. None that would allow him rest. None that would give him Sasha.
"Haven't I done enough? Do I not deserve to be happy? Why do I have to give more?" He thought of Sasha and the eternity he could give his lover.
"I want to give him that. So much. Why do I have to give that up?" There was no answer from the sky but deep in his heart he knew what his dad would say, he'd known from the start. It didn't make it any easier though.
"Yeah…" Dean said tears flowing down his face. "Yeah."
Dean left the roof and pulled out the books from his room that he had been trying to ignore. "He knew he had to call the Trickster. There was no other way. He just wished there was. As he was making a list of what he needed Sasha walked in.
"Dean I've been looking for you all over…" He trailed off when he saw Dean on the table. Dean tried to hide what he had been reading but there was no point. Sasha had seen it.
"Dean…" Sasha asked as Dean shut the book on Trickster's. But he knew Sasha had seen what he was researching. "What…" Sasha whispered slowly closing his eyes, as if he already knew the answer and was praying he was wrong… "What are you doing?"
"Sasha…" Dean trialled off knowing this was about to break his lover's heart as it was breaking his own. He decided the best way was just to say it. He wasn't going to lie.
"I have to call the Trickster."
If there was any other way love
Don't you think I've tried to find it
Don't you think I want to stay
If there was any other way love
"What?" Sasha whispered his blue eyes impossibly wide. "How…Why?" Dean shook his head. "I think you know why baby." He said softly. "You don't think we can win." Sasha said it wasn't a question.
"Oh I know we can. But I also know that it matters that I'm human. Sam, Castiel, and Bobby they were right. I knew they were right but I wanted this, I wanted this for us. For you."
"Dean…" Sasha's voice was heartbroken and Dean felt his heart bleed with loss. He turned and looked at the one person he'd give anything to have eternity with and said, "I know baby," Dean looked down his voice was clogged with emotion.
"This isn't fair…" Sasha's voice was soft. "Why do we have to give everything up? Why do we have to sacrifice everything for someone else's happiness?" Dean felt tears begin to fall down his face.
"Because it's what we do and as much as I'd like to turn my back baby, I want this more than… anything… I… I just can't. I have to be human… I have to do this. No one else can…. I can't… I can't run from this anymore. I tried."
"But you said you'd do it for me…" Sasha said "You said nothing else mattered but me…" Sasha trailed off and Dean felt his heart shatter. Sasha felt so guilty for seeming so selfish but Dean could feel that Sasha couldn't help it. He wanted Dean to be with him as an Incubus like he needed the air to breathe.
Dean understood, he more than understood. He wanted it like he wanted his next breath. What he was about to do was going to damn near tear him apart.
"You matter more than anyone else to me Sasha Kelly but I can't damn the world for us. I've tried to believe that we can do this as Fae but I know now we can't. I knew before." He stopped the tears leaking out of his eyes.
"I would give up everything I am not to have to do this, but not long ago you told me we had to do this for the right reasons. I want to be with you so much it hurts but…" he shook his head trying to find the words. "We deserve it but… but it's not what I can give. I wouldn't be with you for the right reasons if I went through with this. Not this way."
Sasha's face crumpled and Dean was assaulted with emotion from his lover. He could feel the love Sasha had for him but he could also feel the despair and the new feeling that had Dean feel sick.
Sasha doubted Dean loved him. It made Dean's heart want to bleed. He hated what he was about to do to his lover, to himself, to them. Damn it! They deserved their happily ever after but Dean Winchester was not allowed that. Had never been allowed that. Now Heaven was telling him, he was not meant to have a chance to be with Sasha. It was not part of the plan. He had to be human. They could not win when Dean was an Incubus. Dean hadn't wanted them to be right, he'd been so sure they could win with him as Fae and he could still have Sasha forever but Castiel had showed him something different. And now he was plagued with doubts.
His conscience would not rest until he had ensured their survival. He had to give up the only thing he had ever wanted for himself to make sure they survived. To make sure they won a war Dean was now the main character in winning. He wanted to be with Sasha, but how could he when he knew what would happen if he stayed on this road.
He touched Sasha's face forcing his beautiful hunter to look at him. "I will love you as long as I am allowed and long after that. I will love you until I breathe my last breath. But baby that's all we're allowed. It's all I'm allowed." He pulled Sasha to him and for once he didn't care about PDA's he kissed Sasha harshly as if it was the last kiss he was ever allowed.
Sasha pushed back just as harshly and Dean could taste their tears between them. He pulled away and hugged Sasha to him. "I love you, now and forever. Please Baby never think differently."
"Do you still trust me?"
Sasha looked at Dean and Dean took another step forward, "I told you before Sasha if you don't trust me we've already lost. I want to be with you. But I have to be human. We can't win and I can't lie and say I'm going to be selfish enough to watch the world fall to ruin. It's the call I want to make but you know I won't. I can't baby please understand."
Sasha looked at him tears leaking down his face. "I know you won't Dean. I would never have fallen so hard for you if I thought any differently."
"I wish this could be different baby I really do." Dean said softly.
Sasha shut his eyes and nodded. "I know. I just…" "I know." Dean said unable to let go of Sasha. "Me too." He closed his eyes and prayed. "I know and I'd give everything to not to have to do this. To not hurt you. To be with you. Like we should be forever… but…"
He looked down and then back at his books. "But I can't turn my back on the people I've been saving for as long as I can remember." He sighed. "I have to do the right thing."
He remembered what he had told Sol. And now as he looked at his dark haired hunter he repeated it, "Baby…
"Sometimes…doing the right nice for everyone," He whispered praying Sasha would understand. He hated that he had to do this but he couldn't run anymore. "It sometimes… it's still right. I can't do this if I have doubts. When I am initiated I want to be with you no doubts… no regrets and I know I said that I didn't have them." He said quickly.
"And I didn't have them, but I do now. And I don't want that. When we have forever I want it with nothing hanging over our heads and I know if we do this now it will be."
He looked into blue eyes. "I think you know that baby." Sasha sighed but he nodded. "It was always going to be too good to be true." Dean pulled Sasha to him. "We will get round your Deal and we will have forever. But right now we need to save people and I… I have to be human." Help. Protect. Save. Dean's manta had been flying round his head for days.
Suddenly even that couldn't comfort him when he knew what he was going to do. It was the right thing to do but damn, if it didn't leave a sour taste in Dean's mouth.
Dean forced Sasha to look at him. "Baby I've tried to think of something if there was any other way…" He looked at Sasha, "Don't you think I've tried to find it? Don't you think I want to stay with you?"
"I know you do." Sasha whispered. "I know you wouldn't do this unless there was another choice." He sighed and clung to Dean briefly before he let go.
"Okay, we're ready. Call him."
If there was any other way love
Don't you think I've tried to find it
Don't you think I want to stay
The Trickster appeared and looked at Dean expectantly, "So how are we doing? Liking the gift." "You have to take it back." Dean said before he changed his mind and told the world to go to hell.
"Why?" The Trickster looked between them. "This is a good thing." "I know." Dean said. "But… you need to turn me back."
The Trickster regarded Dean and then Sasha who was stood silently next to him. "You do realise this is a one time deal boys." He looked serious for once.
Dean looked at the Trickster, "Believe me I know this was a one time deal oh I know what I'm giving up." He closed his eyes. He and Sasha could have been happy. They still would be. Dean had to believe in that. He had too. He would make sure of it.
Dave had told him to believe in Sasha, in Sam and he would. He did but it didn't mean he didn't mourn the loss of the one chance he could have had at eternity with his beautiful Incubus turned Human Hunter.
It was venom in his chest. He always had to give up everything but everything had never felt so much like a betrayal before. He knows he could have been happy. But not at the expense of someone else's life. Had Sasha been in danger Sasha and Sam always came first but this…. he couldn't justify this no matter how much he wanted it. Wanting the happiness he never believed he'd have.
He sighed. There was no other way. He knew that now. He had tired to find any other way. He had spent the last week trying to put off the truth but Sam was right he was acting like Sol. Turning his back on something he knew to be the truth. For something of his own gain. He couldn't do it he just wished this wasn't so tied to Sasha it felt like a punishment.
"Are you sure?" The Trickster asked again. "This was a Gift… I can't give it back once you've changed your mind." Dean felt his heart shatter again. He closed his eyes and gathered Sasha in his arms. "I'm sure." It was a whisper but he knew the Trickster had heard it.
The Trickster nodded and touched his shoulder and Dean felt the first tendrils of power bleeding out of him and he held onto Sasha harder tears leaking from his bright green eyes.
He didn't want to do this it felt like he was giving up on his love, when in reality he couldn't fathom living without Sasha now. He didn't want to give this up but he couldn't turn his back on what the world needed of him either. He never had though there had been times he wanted too.
He wanted to be happy but not at the expense of the world, of the happiness of a family he couldn't bare that he being an Incubus might be the reason another family was ripped apart like his was. Like Sasha's parents. Like so many others.
He just didn't know why it had to be him that constantly gave up everything he had ever had to make sure the world and the people in stayed safe. That was the pinnacle of not fair.
But then, Dean Winchester's life had never been fair. He was just sorry he had had to drag Sasha into this. It wasn't fair that Sasha would loose eternity with someone because he had fallen in love with Dean. The one person Heaven and Hell wouldn't let him have forever.
"I'm so sorry baby." He whispered brokenly. "I know." Sasha whispered. "I hate this but it's the right thing too. I see that now. I love you Dean." Sasha held on tighter as Dean felt himself grow weaker.
"I love you." Dean whispered in Sasha's ear. "You need to know that. And you need to know that I will always love you. No one will love you the way I love you and no one will ever make me feel the way you do. That won't change even if we only have till my last human breath. We'll find a way because there has to be one when I love you this much."
Dean wasn't used to doing chick flick moments but he thought he could be forgiven, given what he was about to do. He buried his head in Sasha's dark hair that would seen but fire engine red again. He kissed Sasha's hair and then said,
"Love this strong can't be wrong. To love you this much can't be wrong."
He kissed Sasha as the power drained out of him and he felt the salty taste of their mixed tears on his lips as they fell between them. He held onto Sasha as he felt himself become human and his legs begin to give out. He felt like his heart was about to be ripped out, as if it was about to bleed with the loss of what could have been.
Dean closed his eyes clinging to Sasha like he would loose him the moment he let go feeling Sasha clinging to him just as desperately.
And as the transformation came to an end he heard the cruel laughter that still haunted his dreams,
"You know you can't run form me forever Dean. You belong with me, my beautiful. And when you see that… we will be glorious. You will be glorious… You will be mine and together we will bring hell on earth…."
If there was any other way love