"As the rat perished, the took the crazy ninja ass baby to the hospital." Sasuke gushed his story to his skeptical older brother. Itachi snorted.
"Sasuke, you've been telling me this elaborate story but I just don't believe you. I go on a mission for a few years and leave you with Naruto and his bitchy wife until I get back and you're already insane?"
"But no! Nii-San, it really happened! My own brother doesn't believe me, that hurts Itachi, it really hurts. Mom and dad would believe me!" Sasuke pouted. Itachi raised an eyebrow at him.
"No they wouldn't!" Sasuke half-smirked.
"Well, that's probably true, but it still hurts!" He said, laying the guilt on thick. Itachi ruffled the younger boys hair.
"Sorry Sasuke, but I still don't believe you. Anyway, is your story almost over, I have a date tonight and I'm not ready." Sasuke grinned.
"This story is just getting started." Itachi sighed.
"Really Sasuke, I don't have time for his." Since Sasuke and Itachi's dad had been a cop, Sasuke evilly pulled out some handcuffs and cuffed Itachi to the chair.
"To bad you have to listen anyway." Itachi smirked smugly.
"Well, I like your style kid, but when I get out of these things you're ass is grass." Sasuke only shook his head playfully.
"If you get out." Then Sasuke re-began he story:
I was relaxing in my bubble bath, minding my own business when I heard some funny gurgling sounds coming from the toilet. Then I began to see this shady figure appear from the hole in my toilet. Suddenly, this giant ass rat pops out of nowhere and lands on edge of the toilet lid.
"I thought I killed you!" The rat snickered.
"That was my daddy! I am O'Reilly! Honorable grandson of the great Geraldo At Large! I am here for revenge bitch!" I wasn't even surprised anymore. I hung my head in shame and cried "Why doe this keep happening to me?" Then another rat came from the toilet and glared at O'Reilly.
"Who are you?" I whined in frustration.
"I am O'Reilly's wife! I am so sorry that he keep bothering you, would you like some brownies?"
"From the toilet…toilet chocolate….uhh no thanks. But I'll take one to give to my friends wife Sakura!" I grinned at the thought of that bitch eating rat-turd brownies.
"Oh that's lovely dear, I'll be back in just one moment. But in the meantime could you move some of those bubbles to your…man area? I'm getting a pretty good view over here." I blushed and moved some bubbles over my crotch.
"Oh um…sorry Ma'am." She popped back into the toilet to get the brownie. I turned to O'Reilly.
"You know, for a rat, your wife is quite lovely." O'Reilly just glared at me and hissed the same way Geraldo had when he imploded. All of a sudden, Sakura walked in on me.
"Oh god Sasuke, I'm so sorry! I didn't know you were in here." I sighed heavily and just shook my head.
"You aren't the only intruder in this bathroom." I pointed a finger at O'Reilly. The pink haired bitch screamed and backed up against the bathroom wall.
"How does this keep happening?"
"That's what I'd like to know!" She started to run out the door before I said "Wait!" She turned around.
"O'Reilly's wife has a present for you." Right as I said that she came back with the brownie.
"Oh are you Sakura? Here you go dear." Sakura stared at her in surprise.
"Oh, you're awfully nice for a rat." She took the brownie from her and popped it into her mouth. I smirked as I watched. She immediately vomited all in the floor. The wife rat, who's name had yet to come into conversation fell in the floor laughing right as Sakura fell, slipping on her puke. Simultaneously, their asses hit the ground and a little girl shot from Sakura and landed in my lap, and three rat babies shot out of the wife rat and were propelled into the sink. Naruto heard the shrill sound of a baby crying and ran into the bathroom.
"What is going on in here? I didn't even know you were pregnant!" Sakura tried not to cry.
"I didn't either…" O'Reilly was just sitting there in awe of all the craziness.
"Humans are weirder than I thought." Then the rat snapped back into reality and went to help his wife.
"Oh Hilary! Two boys and a girl, just what we've always wanted!" Sakura was a mess sitting in the floor wailing.
"I didn't another baby!" As she said that her two other children walked the room. She didn't realize they were in the room and said "I didn't even want the first two!" Naruto looked down at her in shock and then his attention fell on his two kids in the doorway. Sasuke suddenly found a scapegoat.
"You wanna know who really killed your daddy? It was him!" He said pointing to the three year old sobbing little boy leaning on the doorframe.
"Don't pin this on my son!" Sakura yelled. The boy glared at her.
"But you don't even love me!" She sighed.
"You might have been the last thing I wanted, but you turned out to be pretty cool." He wasn't buying it and continued to scowl at her. Meanwhile, O'Reilly and Hilary were trying to name their three little rat babies.
"Let's name one Bill, one Clinton, and the other one Chelsea." O'Reilly gushed happily. I was become slightly annoyed.
"Can everyone clear the premises so I can get out, I'm getting a little pruney." Everyone sulked out of the bathroom and I sighed, sinking down in the warm water.
"Thank almighty Buddha they're gone…that rat scares me so bad I could shit Skittles." I tiredly stepped out of the bathtub, feeling violated. I wrapped a towel around my waist not caring that it was Sakura's. All my towels were at home and only Itachi, who had been gone for 6 years on a mission, had the key. I dried my hair and walked cautiously to the spear bedroom I was staying in. I tugged on my old jeans and my Central Wilkes Middle Chorus T-shirt. It was a hideous shade of yellow, but it would do. I walked out into the living room where everyone else was. O'Reilly was giving me the stank-eye pretty bad.
"Dude, what's your problem?" I asked casually. O'Reilly sneered.
"Number One, I came here to kill you and it's still not done, Number Two, I hated Chorus, and Number Three, I find yellow to be the most offending color ever." I just blinked at the rat, having a meltdown before me. I pounced in annoyance at the rat, who shot a pink laser beam from his ass and hit me in the eye.
"It's burning my retinas!" I yelled for the second and hopefully the last time in my life. "Dude! Did you really just hit me in the eye with a butt-beam?" As I said that O'Reilly jumps and claws at my eyes and I grabbed him by the tail and slung him against the wall. Then he just disappeared. He then jumped on me from behind and tried to nom into my brain, so I slammed my head against the wall to kill the rat. Suddenly the door bell rang.
"Hey O'Reilly, can we take five, I gotta get the door." The rat nodded and sat down. I opened the door to find the UPS man.
"Hey Sasuke, you got a package from your brother." I thanked the man and closed the door. There was a note attached to the outside of the box. It said:
Dear Baby Brother,
I totally just killed Osama Bin Laden! He had this cute little cat and I remembered how you had always wanted one and Dad told you no. So, I sent you the kitty of public enemy number one! Are I the greatest? But seriously, you won't believe what the cat's name is. It rhymes with Osama and is the name of our president. Yep, you got it. His name is Obama.
With Love,
Itachi
I opened the box to find a cream colored cat napping in the box. I had no idea how Osama could find his cat out in the desert, he was the same color as sand. Nice camouflage I guess. Suddenly Obama woke up and was not a happy kitty. He jumped on me and started clawing at my face.
"Get it off! Get it off!" Then Obama jumped off my face and started throwing ninja stars at people.
"Bad Obama! Stop throwing ninja stars!" O'Reilly yelled.
"O'Reilly! You're a rat and Obama is a cat! RUN!" Hilary screamed.
"He knows better than to try and defeat the mighty O'Reilly!" Obama lunges at O'Reilly but I ran in front of him.
"RUN O'REILLY RUN!" O'Reilly's heart melted.
"You saved my life…"
"Let's talk about this later! Take your family and leave!" They all left. I then turned to face the shady cat in front of me.
"Here kitty, kitty, kitty! Come to daddy, Obama." Obama just hissed and arched his back.
"Obama be a good kitty cat or you are going to be neutered!" I threatened. Obama lunged again and I grabbed him by his neck. I ran quickly to the vet with my very mean kitty. The vet gave me some surprising news.
"Oh, Obama's not a mean kitty. He's just in pain."
"What do you mean?" The vet gave him some meds and he immediately calmed down.
"It's simple really, his Anthony Weiner was infected." I burst into laugher.
"Doctor, you can say the real word."
"Nope, I'm more comfortable saying that." Obama then purred like a pretty kitty and I rubbed his tummy.
"Aw, you're not a bad kitty after all." I drove home with Obama in my lap. When I got home everyone was shocked that I'd brought Obama home.
"No, he's not a mean kitty, his Anthony Weiner was infected, that's all. He's a tame kitty now." O'Reilly came up to me and hugged me.
"You saved my life. This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."
*Back to present day*
"That's my story and I'm sticking to it." I declared proudly. Itachi tried hard not to laugh.
"Seriously, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard." Suddenly there was a knock on the door. I just smirked, remembering who I'd invited over. I let Itachi out of the handcuffs and smiles.
"Go open the door, Nii-San." Itachi got up and when he saw who was there he froze. It was O'Reilly, Hilary, Bill, Clinton, and Chelsea…the rat pack. He opened the door.
"Want a brownie, they're fresh from the Oval Office!" Hilary offered. Itachi took one gasp of air and then fainted.
"And THAT is the person that killed Osama?" We laughed.
DUN DUN DUN THE END!