This was written a while ago as an attempt to mimic Edgar Allan Poe's writing style. The dashes are supposed to be m-dashes, but I can't figure out how to do them. I'll fix it later.
Nervously, nervously I coat my toothbrush bristles in a thin layer of paste-as does a surgeon perform an operation-being careful not to spill a drop. There-flawless! Raising the instrument to my teeth, I watch as the handle of the brush trembles wretchedly in my grasp in an attempt to hamper my efforts. You think I am too obsessive. But, you see, such caution was necessary! A touch of paste might have fallen-oh no, that would not do-soiling my raiment, or I might have stabbed myself in the eye! The idea that I am overcautious is ridiculous, ridiculous in all certainty as it is certain that the sky is blue-which it most decidedly is-and that the sun shines during the day and not during the night. Stealthy, stealthy am I as I wield my weapon and scrub my teeth, leaving not a speck of grime behind-pearly white perfection. Triumph-another task accomplished! No man can complete such complex tasks as throughly, thoroughly, and immaculately as I-give me a man who can! Satisfied, I place down the brush as a warrior smugly slams down a freshly drained cup of ale and saunter off to wake the old man-it's late! Oh woe is me.