You are your own worst enemy.
This is what you tell yourself as you prepare to have dinner with him. You look yourself over in the mirror and feel sweaty and fat and terribly unattractive. No wonder he didn't want you, you think.
Finally resigning yourself to the fact that this is the best you are going to look, you grab your purse and make your way out of your apartment. You declined his offer to pick you up; you are fairly confident you can handle one dinner with him in a crowded restaurant, but five minutes in a car alone with him is simply asking too much.
You haven't seen him in two months, and when you meet him at the restaurant, you remember how he makes you feel; nauseous and wanting and good, but there is a new feeling that you identify as sorrow. You know that he belongs to someone else, and that knowledge makes it difficult to breathe.
"It's good to see you," he says, and you want to tell him you love him, but you don't.
Neither of you mentions her, nor do you discuss the day he shattered your heart. You smile and laugh and tell him how great you are doing. You wonder if he can see through your lies.
.
You are surrounded by people at this party, and yet the loneliness you feel seems to seep into your bones, making you weary. You drink to numb the pain simmering inside, but the alcohol just brings everything to the surface, like a boiling pot of water that has been left on the stove to overflow.
"Do you need me to beat someone up?"
You look up into the eyes of a friendly face, a handsome face, and smile, because all you want is for someone to see you, and this person has.
"You're much prettier when you smile." It is a line, but you cling to it like a lifejacket.
He tells you his name is Jasper, and you let him walk you home. As he kisses you on your front steps, you recognize that fickle feeling you remember as hope igniting in your chest.
.
You are your own worst enemy, you repeat to yourself.
It has been a week since Jasper kissed you back to life and told you he would call. Seven days for you to build the experience up in your head and then wonder what you did wrong when your phone fails to ring.
A normal girl wouldn't react so strongly, you tell yourself, but you know that you are not normal.
You are broken.
.
You have become good at faking it. On the inside you are full of doubt and self-pity and wretchedness, but you have learned to keep moving, keep smiling, keep acting as though hearing that song won't make your carefully constructed façade come crumbling down.
At night, when you are alone, you listen to it on repeat, letting the words settle into your wounds where they burn like rubbing alcohol. You miss him; he is your phantom limb that inexplicably still aches.
You are tired, so you sleep.
.
You tell yourself that you are not as alone as you feel, that you have people who consider themselves your friends. They take you to a bar where the large picture windows have been opened to let in the summer air, and the jubilant mood of the crowd wraps around you like a blanket. Tonight, the alcohol warms you, provides a bandage to temporarily stop the hemorrhage, and when you see Jasper come through the door, you wave.
"I haven't seen you in awhile," you say, and inside you are silently begging him to want you.
He introduces you to his friends, and you introduce him to yours, and you are pleased. You try your best to be charming, and witty, and worthy, talking animatedly to his friends as you watch him out of the corner of your eye.
When he talks to another girl, you try not to show your devastation.
When you go home alone, you are numb.
.
"Let's go to the city for the weekend," Jessica suggests. "We can stay with my brother."
You readily accept, needing a change of scenery, something to bump the skipping record back into its groove. You are excited by the possibilities on the horizon, like little rays of sunlight peeking through your pervasive black cloud.
You step off the train, and the city is alive, vibrant and exciting, full of busy people who are ignorant to your sadness. You feel insignificant.
You go to a museum to feel introspective and you go see a band to feel moved, and you drink and you dance and you try your first line because you just want to feel.
And when you wake up next to a guy whose name you can't remember, you realize that you don't feel any better at all.
.
The summer is coming to an end, and you go to a concert in the park with your roommates. You sit on a blanket drinking wine coolers and eating roasted nuts, licking the salt off your fingers and singing along when the band plays your favorite song. In this moment, you can convince yourself that you are happy.
As you are walking home from the concert, your phone rings and you see that it is Jasper. You squeal with your girlfriends, and you are grateful that you are buzzed, because otherwise you would be too nervous to answer the phone.
"We're having a party at our apartment tomorrow night," he says. "Come and bring your friends."
You tell him you will be there, of course you will be there, and you spend the rest of the night coming up with reasons why it took him so long to call.
"Maybe he had a long-distance girlfriend he had to break up with before he could start anything new," Jessica suggests.
"Or maybe he had a sick family member," Lauren contributes. "He could have had too many other things on his mind."
You are encouraged by their words, but deep down you know they just don't ring true. Regardless, you go to sleep and you are smiling.
.
You follow the directions Jasper has given you to his apartment, and you and your girlfriends arrive fashionably late. He gives you a kiss on the cheek and brings you a drink, and you are flying.
"You remember my friend, Edward, right?" he asks, and you say, "Of course! It's good to see you again," because even though you don't really care, he's Jasper's friend and you want to make a good impression.
And when Jasper excuses himself a moment later, you are stuck talking to his friend who is standing a bit too close and asking you personal questions you would really rather not answer and laughing at things you say that you hadn't meant to be funny, and oh my God, where is Jasper, you think.
It hits you suddenly, the realization that Jasper didn't invite you here for him, that Edward must have asked him to invite you. You feel incredibly foolish, hating yourself for getting your hopes up and irrationally angry at the person in front of you who has no idea that he is not the one you want.
"Can I call you sometime?" he asks, and before you know what you are doing, you are saying yes and giving him your number, and you hate yourself for being too weak to say no to anyone, and you hate him even more for asking.
.
He takes you to dinner, and you don't mean to, but you compare everything he does to him.
He would not have picked this restaurant, because he knows you don't care for seafood.
He would have asked for the beer selection instead of the wine list, and he would have helped you choose because he knows you are still discovering what you like.
He would have made you forget the world, and made your heart beat a staccato rhythm with a slight touch of his hand.
You want to tell Edward he's fighting a losing battle, but you don't know how.
He's telling you about his family, about his doctor father and interior designer mother, but all you can do is stare at his face and think about how his eyebrows are really much too thick, and his teeth are crooked and you hate that, and that's really an awful shirt because the color makes his pale skin look sickly.
When he takes you home, he tells you that he thinks you're lovely, and that he had a great time, and for some reason this makes you start to cry.
"I'm sorry, there's something wrong with me," you tell him through your tears.
"It's okay if you don't feel the same," he says. "I won't be offended."
"You're nice," you say, because he is.
You wish it were enough.
.
You move slowly, the world hurrying around you as if someone has pressed the fast forward button on everyone but you. You sit and stare, watching without seeing, listening without hearing.
You are empty.
You own a letter opener with a razor point. Sometimes you think about it in a clinical way, thinking it would be an efficient tool for slicing through flesh.
You look at your wrist, at the tiny veins and capillaries pulsing faintly beneath your skin, and think, "Maybe someday. But not today."
.
Classes have started up again, and you welcome a new routine. You attend an upper division seminar, a requirement for your major, and are surprised to see Edward sitting next to the only available chair.
You are afraid things will be awkward, uncomfortable, but he greets you like an old friend, and you relax.
You didn't know he shared your major, but you don't say anything because you think that maybe he mentioned it when you weren't paying attention. You ask him how Jasper is, and you think that you are transparent, but Edward just smiles and says that he is doing well.
The professor begins his lecture, but you don't hear a word.
.
It's starting to show.
Jessica tries, encourages you to have fun, sending you worried glances when she catches you staring blankly into space. She buys you a journal for your birthday, a nice leather-bound one, and says, "Maybe it will help to write everything down," and you are irritated with her for trying to help, because you have always been alone in this pain.
Your mother calls, but you let it go to voicemail. When Lauren reminds you that it's your turn to do the dishes, you snap at her so many times that she finally stops asking you to do anything at all. You forget to send in the rent money, something you promised Jessica you would do, and when she gets angry at you, you feel nothing.
You sleep all day, but you are still tired.
.
"You're going to flunk out of school if you don't start going to class," Jessica says, and you know she is right, but you can't find it in you to care.
She tells you that she looked into the programs available at Mental Health Services, and that you can go see a therapist for free because you're on the university health plan.
"It's okay to ask for help," she says.
"I'm too tired," you say, and roll back over.
"Do you want me to make an appointment for you?"
Leave me alone, you think.
Finally, you nod.
.
"Tell me why you're here today."
You look at the therapist, with his patient expression and soothing voice, and you want to tell him you hate him, that he makes you uncomfortable, but you open your mouth and it's like you took the cap off a Coke bottle that has been violently shaken.
You tell him everything, about your stupid college girl problems, about how the boy you love didn't want you, about how it's not even really that anymore, just that you're sad and lonely all the time, and you think that this person must think you are pathetic because you are.
He concludes that you are suffering from depression, and you think, no shit.
You agree to come back next week.
.
You are walking down the street with Edward after class, and he is telling you a story involving him, his roommates, and the fountain on the campus quad. You laugh, and it is genuine.
You look up and see him, and your stomach ties itself into knots, and at the same time you wonder what he is doing here, because he graduated last year.
He smiles when he sees you, and you want to vomit because last time you saw him at least you were prepared, and now you know he will see right through you.
He says he's in town visiting some friends, and he's glad he ran into you and tells you to call him later, maybe you can meet up, and you say sure.
And then he is gone, and you look up to see Edward looking at you like he suddenly understands, and he surprises you when he simply says, "Want to get a drink?"
You say yes, and a few hours later when you are walking home, you realize that you forgot to call him.
.
It's subtle, and you don't even notice it at first. You go get ice cream with Jessica, and the two of you share a laugh at the ridiculous haircut of the kid behind the counter.
Jessica smiles at you, then suddenly gives you a hug. "I missed you," she says.
You are embarrassed, but you feel a small piece of the heaviness you carry around break away.
"Thank you," you tell her, and she knows what you mean, and the two of you never speak of it again.
That night, you take the letter opener out of your desk and throw it away in the dumpster outside your building.
.
The leaves have turned colors and are falling from the trees, and you feel the seasons changing. You call your mother and clean your apartment. You study for your midterms and manage to save your failing grades.
You are investing in yourself again. These small accomplishments feel considerable to you, and you are proud.
.
You are in the library working on a paper, and Edward comes up beside you, placing a cup of coffee from the vending machine in your hand.
"Just in case you're here pulling an all-nighter, like me," he says.
He takes a seat a table over from you and takes a textbook out of his bag. You watch him, and realize that you don't find him nearly as unattractive as you used to. He looks up and smiles, and you look away.
.
Jessica is craving Thai food, and you admit that sounds pretty good to you, too, so you treat yourselves to dinner out at your favorite spot.
The hostess seats you at a table near the window, and you are halfway through your pad see ew when a knock on the window gets your attention. Edward waves at you and Jessica from outside, and you and Jessica wave back, and then he continues walking down the street, hand in hand with a pretty blond girl.
"Who's that?" you wonder aloud.
"That's Tanya. You haven't met Edward's girlfriend?"
And you blink, because you never knew he had a girlfriend. You look out the window again before returning to your noodles. You don't notice the frown on Jessica's face.
.
Finals are approaching, and you and Edward agree to meet at a coffee house to study for your seminar's exam. You take turns reciting theories to each other, and you notice for the first time that his eyes are green. When he gets up to order another coffee, you wonder if he's been working out, because you don't remember him being so fit.
He comes back with your favorite chocolate old-fashioned donut and says, "You looked hungry." When he laughs at your expression, you notice how his smile transforms his face into something uniquely charming.
When Tanya comes to pick him up, and he gives her a kiss before they leave, you get the distinct sense that you have missed out on something good.
.
When exams are over, you and your roommates go out dancing to celebrate. You have a good time, acting silly with Jessica when you dance like video girls to the latest Britney Spears remix.
At the bar, a guy you don't know offers to buy you a shot, and you accept, but then you are back on the dance floor with your girls.
You are the happiest you have been in a long time, but deep down you still feel as though something is missing.
You don't remember what it feels like to be whole.
.
You go home for break, and your mother asks you how you lost all that weight, and you shrug and say Atkins, but really it's been a lasting side-effect of your depression. She divests the house of carbs the next day and vows to lose ten pounds.
On Christmas Day, you receive a text from Edward reading "Merry Christmas!", and even though you know it's probably just a standard text he sent all his friends, it still makes you smile.
When you leave to go back to school, your mother cries and tells you she loves you, and that she wishes you would come home more often. You feel guilty, so you lie and tell her you will.
.
You and your roommates decide to throw a party to celebrate the start of the new semester, and you invite everyone you know, including Jasper, who is dating a freshman now, but you're okay with that.
And he comes with his freshman who introduces herself as Alice, and she is too cute and friendly to hate. Edward comes in behind them but he is alone, and you ask him where Tanya is, and he tells you they broke up.
"I'm sorry," you say, and he shrugs and forces a smile, and if anyone knows about that, it is you.
"You cut your hair," you say, and he runs his fingers through it self-consciously. "I like it," you add, because you do.
Later, you find him on the roof deck, looking out at your college town pensively as snow falls around him. "Do you miss her?" you ask, and he says, "A little. I'll be okay, though." You know he is telling the truth, and you envy him.
.
You are disappointed to find that you don't share any classes with him this semester, and when you run into him in the quad a few weeks later, you smile.
"Long time, no see," he says cheerfully, and you realize you have missed him.
Later, you ask Jessica if she thinks he is attractive. "Are you kidding? Edward is hot," she exclaims, and you frown, because you just don't see it.
"But his teeth," you protest.
"Are not that bad. Why do you care? It's not like you're into him," and the way she says it is almost challenging.
You consider this, thinking of him and how being with him made it feel like the world stood still, and even of your crush on Jasper, how you got all tingly whenever you were in the same room with him.
"No, I'm not into him," you agree, even though you wish that you were. "I guess it doesn't matter."
.
It's Saturday night at a popular campus club, and you are at the bar with Jessica ordering a drink when he comes in, and you just wish he would go away forever, because doesn't he know that he is torturing you?
He is visiting again, and he is happy to see you, and Jessica gives you a disapproving look when you follow him to the back bar because he "wants a quieter place to catch up."
You do shots together, and you laugh and reminisce about the time you spent at this club when you were lucky enough to be his, and you still love him as much as you ever did.
He tugs on a strand of your hair, flowing long and loose past your shoulders, and you can't remember the last time you cut it. "I always liked your hair long," he says. "So pretty."
And he looks at you with a lazy smile, and you can tell he is drunk, but you are, too, and you long for him. You lean in and kiss him, hesitantly at first, and when he doesn't stop you, you press your body up against his and put your heart into it.
He caresses your back as you kiss, and you are soaring. Your body remembers him, and it craves more.
"I want you," you tell him, and he pulls back and looks at you, dazed. You can see the moment sense returns to him, and as the light returns to his eyes, darkness settles over your heart.
"I can't. I'm sorry," he says, and suddenly you are alone, and you cannot breathe.
.
He has destroyed you, but you do not cry. You wonder if you have used up all your tears. You make your way to the front of the club, feeling incoherent and disoriented. Your body seems to move without your permission.
You see Edward in the corner with his friends, and you approach him.
"Are you okay?" he asks, concerned, and you wonder what you must look like.
"I'm fine," you lie, and because you are suddenly feeling reckless, "Come do a shot with me."
You order tequila, and then another, but this time you make Edward lick the salt off your neck and take the lime from your mouth. You put your arm around his neck and kiss him sloppily.
"You taste like margaritas," you say, and he laughs.
"You're drunk," he says, and you just smile at him and shake your head, and when you kiss him again, he holds you close and you can almost imagine it is him.
"Do you want me?" you ask him, and he says, "I've always wanted you," and you look in his eyes and you see that it is true.
"Why?" you ask, because you don't understand.
"Because you are beautiful to me," he says, and you think there must be something wrong with him, because there is nothing beautiful about you.
He takes you home that night, and you undress him and put your mouth on his body, and his hands are on you and in you and it is good good so good. And when he enters you, you think of him, and forget that you are being loved by a stand-in.
.
You wake up with silent tears streaming down your face, because you remember everything and ohmygod what have you done you are a terrible person.
"What's wrong?" he asks, and he sits up beside you and is rubbing your naked back, and you just cry harder, because he is wonderful, you think, and doesn't deserve your wretchedness.
"I'm sorry," you say, because you are, and because you don't know what else to say.
His hand stills on your back, and he gets it, you think, and you hear him sigh.
"Do you hate me?" you ask, because he must.
He says no, and he sounds resigned. As he's leaving, he pauses in the door and looks at you, looks through you. "Be nice to yourself," he says.
Don't leave, you think, but he is gone.
.
Spring has come; the ice has melted from the ground and flowers are blooming on the trees, but you are still trapped in your never-ending winter.
When you see him on the street, you walk the other way; if you see him at a bar, you ignore him. You miss him, but you don't know what to say, and you hate yourself for ruining everything.
"I think you're in love with him," Jessica says, and you don't correct her, because you think that maybe she is right.
.
You attend graduation with Jessica and Lauren as spectators, because you still have another year to go, but you know he is out there somewhere in the throng of black-robed graduates, receiving his honors.
Later, you see him walking down the street with an older couple, and you think these must be his parents. You watch him, and he looks happy and alive and beautiful, and then he sees you, and he gives you a smile that you don't deserve.
He says something to his parents, who disappear inside a restaurant, and he approaches you.
"You've been avoiding me," he says, and you nod, because it's true.
"I didn't know how…" you begin, but you don't know how to finish, so you don't.
He nods and says, "I know," and you feel forgiven.
"Congratulations," you tell him. "What's next for you?"
"I got a job in the city," he says, and even though you haven't spoken to him in ages, you are not surprised, because everyone goes to the city when they graduate.
And suddenly it hits you that this may be the last time you ever see him, and you are overcome with sadness. Not the ever-present, numbing sadness that has become your constant companion, but a true, tangible sadness that cuts you like a blade.
"When do you leave?" you ask, and he says, "Tomorrow," and you nod, because you know if you open your mouth, you will fall apart.
He looks at you in the way he does, like he can see your every thought, and then he hugs you, and you cling to him.
You want to tell him you love him, but you don't, because you know you are too late.
.
Time passes; life moves on.
You spend a lot of the summer at the beach with your roommates, and you can feel the sunshine changing the molecules that make up your being, healing you. You cut off all your hair, and when you look in the mirror, you like the girl smiling back at you. You read books in the park, lying barefoot in the grass and sipping iced lattes, and you enjoy the solitude.
Occasionally you think of Edward, and you wonder if he is thinking of you, too.
.
Jessica has met someone. His name is Mike and he's a Poli Sci major, and when you meet him, you can see that he is perfect for her, and you are terrified.
You go out with them, and he is funny and friendly and you genuinely like him, but when he looks at Jessica, you feel you are intruding.
"What's wrong?" Jessica asks you when he goes to the bathroom.
She has been vibrating with happiness all night, and you don't want to spoil that. So you shrug and make light of it. "I'm jealous of him. I feel like I'm loaning out my girlfriend," and you say it with a smile so she knows you are joking, but really it's pretty accurate.
Jessica laughs and gives you a hug. "I love you. You know this doesn't change that."
But when they disappear into her bedroom at the end of the night, you feel that everything has changed, and you are alone again.
.
It happens by default, really. Tyler is Mike's roommate and best friend, and your lives have become enmeshed by the union of Mike and Jessica. You don't have much in common really—he is an athlete, and you know nothing about sports—but he is cute and charismatic and makes you laugh, and it's only a matter of time before the two of you start hooking up.
He takes you to his fraternity's winter formal, and before the night is over he has made you come three times, and you feel lighthearted and free.
"You're the best fuck buddy I've ever had," he says as you both lie sweaty and spent in his bed, and you realize that's exactly what the two of you are. And you think that you're okay with that, because this is the most fun you've had in months.
"I bet you say that to all the girls," you say, and you are smiling, because Tyler might not touch your heart, but he is exactly what you need right now.
.
Your senior year seems to fly, and suddenly you are sitting with your peers in matching caps and gowns and it is bittersweet. You go to a celebratory dinner with your parents and your friends and their parents, and you feel jubilant and nostalgic and full, but Jessica can't stop crying, and as you sit with her you smile a little at the irony.
"But I'm going to miss you, and you get to live with Lauren, and I have to live with a boy," she says, and you laugh because you know she is thrilled to be living with Mike, and you remind her that you'll only be living across town from them.
When you move into your new apartment in the city a week later, you go up to the roof and look at the skyline at night, and you feel limitless. You have found your way through the darkness, and you are ready to live.
.
You see him before he sees you.
Mike chose the bar that night, and you're glad he chose this one, because when you walk in the door, you see Edward sitting at the bar with a beer in his hand, and everything in the room becomes sharper as your world comes into focus.
You touch his arm to get his attention, and when he turns to look at you, you smile.
"Long time, no see," you say, and when he returns your smile, the moment is perfect, right, and you can tell he feels it, too.
He kisses your cheek, and his lips linger on your skin and you have been set aflame.
"You look good," he says, and you say, "I am," and he smiles because he knows exactly what you mean.
The bartender walks over to you and says, "Are you ready, hon?"
And you glance at her and then back at him, and you are certain.
"I am now," you say, because you are.
He kisses you then, and you are home.