No Way Home
We Have Standards!

A tie-on to 'So you've Been Magically Transported to Equestria', which is written by 'way of the pen'. For the fluff, go there.
'Malachi' is way of the pens characters name (The person who's supposed to be writing SYBMTTE), while Ezlo is the name my character took. He regrets it now, but THAT Noodle Incident can wait. Moving on...
Anything spoken that's in bold is Unicorn, italics is Pegasus, between two equals signs is human. Normal text is Earth Pony.

"Sergeant? Sergeant! Wake up! Sergeant Malachi!"
Malachi was roused from his slumber by a white unicorn guard. The guard pulled his human colleague out of his bed with magic, leaning him against the wall.
"Malachi!"

Malachi, eyes heavy with sleep, pushed his hair back from his eyes to look at his tormentor.
"Captain! I'm sorry sir, I didn't realise I'd overslept," He barked, standing straighter and saluting, "I'll get ready straight away!"

"At ease Mal, I'm not getting you up because you're late for duty-"

"You're not? So... Can I..."

"No. You have an audience with Celestia scheduled for in half-an-hour."

"What? Since when!"

"About an hour ago. You're to escort Ezlo while you're at it, he's supposed to be there too."

Malachi sighed and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.
"It's still morning Captain, and I've hardly had any sleep. How do you expect me to get to Ponyville in a half hour?"

"Technically it'd be a quarter of an hour, you know, since you'd have to get there and back," Shouted someone from next door, "But by all means, make an unnecessary journey. I brought a book."

Shining Armour chuckled. "Straight from the furries mouth."

Elzo moved as though he was skipping in slow motion. It was an odd way to walk, especially since he could walk like a normal human, but magic does strange things to people.
Like, you know, mutate them into half-human half-pony creatures with bright green fur all over their body. And give them a purple mane and tail.
While Malachi clanked along in slightly more fancy night guard armour, Ezlo was wearing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. The clank of armour and the clink of hooves managed to stay in time, even if the pair were an odd contrast.

Perhaps it was no surprise, then, that Ezlo kept running off to look at different statues and murals around the castle, forcing Malachi to keep dragging him back on course.

"Focus! Please, for five minutes, just focus!"

"Yeah yeah, get to council on time, blah blah blah. We have a minute and we're at the doors, just let me-"

"No!"

"But we got here on time!"

Malachi facepalmed in exasperation, "You know what Celestia means whenever she says half an hour."

"I would hope, half an hour. Caster-el-caster." Ezlo replied carefully, straightening out his clothes, "She should know I only take things at face value." The anthro smiled suddenly. "Well, count to three."

Malachi frowned at Ezlo, who held up his hand counting down. As he put down his third finger, Celestia's voice echoed through the grand doors in front of them, which began to open.
"Enter, those who have been called for council!"
Ezlo just smirked.

At the end of the long corridor, Princesses Celestia and Luna sat on large cushions in the place of their thrones. As Malachi and Ezlo walked along the plush carpet, the doors swung shut behind them, aided by two guards. The four named characters gave the appropriate signs of respect, leaving Celestia free to talk.
"The reason both of you are here, now, is rather grave. You both remember your entries into Equestria?"

"Vividly." Malachi nodded. Ezlo shuddered and reached around to touch his shoulder blades.

"Far too vividly."

Celestia sighed. "Well, it is with regret that I must inform the pair of you that we believe that another human has ended up in Equestria. It is believed that they manifested in the Everfree Forest."

Luna and Malachi, to give them credit, bowed their heads sadly. Celestia turned to Ezlo, who proceeded to both roll his eyes and shake his head.
"What, again?"

"Ezlo!"
Luna gasped in shock, filling in that cue. Ezlo sighed and muttered under his breath.

"Pardon?"

"Well it's not like they're going to do something completely stupid. Leave it a day or two and the commotion in town will tell us where they are." Ezlo suggested. Malachi elbowed him in the shoulder.

"A language we all speak, please?"

"If you won't learn unicorn, I won't tell you." Ezlo sniffed.

"=Arrogant jerk.="

"=Sword-waving fool.="

"=Trigger-happy maniac.="

"=Brainless brute.="

"=Fur fag.="

"=Hmm... Enjoy your 'massage' with Luna?="

"=You-? Fine, Hatman, have it your way!="

"=Hatm-="

"You two, please!"
Celestia sighed as Luna stood up in front of the arguing pair.
"You can stop slinging insults at each other for long enough to help another living creature, can't you?"
Ezlo and Malachi traded glares for a few seconds, making Luna growl quietly.
"I said, CAN'T YOU?"

Shielding his ears from any more RCV, Ezlo nodded and backed out of the room quickly. Malachi sighed and began to walk out after him.
"We promise to get on Princesses. We'll report back as fast as possible."

"Hopefully with a live body on our hands." Ezlo added as he reached the door. Malachi poked him with the tip of his sword as he came into reach, "I'm going, I'm going!"

Celestia smiled as the door slammed shut after them. "I feel so warm inside when I see two human friends as close as that."

"Indeed, sister," Luna noted, swaying suddenly as she dropped her facade, "And as friends, I shall now go back to sleep now."
WHUMP!

"L-l-luna! Not on me!"