From THE BEST RP EVER with captainsassmerica (tumblr). She was Steve and I was Tony (what else is new...). Dyslexia ideas later on came from this fic ( s/8242644/1/Dyslexic) And the stuff I wrote about dyselxia ARE NOT WHAT I BELIEVE just the way I imagind Tony would react. Warnings for self harm and bad words. Read away!
"FUCK YOU STEVE. MY DAD THREATENED TO KILL ME-TO KILL MY MOTHER. STOP TRYING TO PROTECT HIM." Tony could not remember a time he had been this furious. And hurt. Nope, not hurt-he was just furious. Or at least that's what he told himself.
"HE MUST HAVE HAD A REASON TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT. HE WOULDN'T HAVE ACTUALLY DONE IT. HE WAS A GOOD MAN." Steve Rogers had known Howard Stark, and he would never do that to his family-no matter what.
Tony couldn't believe his ears. Justifying the threat to kill one's seven year old son. "You son of a bitch." Tony said, eerily quiet. He then stalked away, heading down to the lab. Anywhere that was away from this monster. He knew it was stupid, it was a bad idea. But cutting was the only way he could clear his head. He walked straight towards the drawer where he kept the razor and pulled out his old friend.
Steve sighed heavily. He regretted the words as soon as they fell from his lips, but it was impossible for him to understand how such a good-hearted, decent man could be as bad as Tony made him out to be. He pushed a hand through his hair and let his eyes fall shut for a moment, knowing that he couldn't leave things like this with Tony. He shook his head and went after him, knowing that he'd escaped his way to the lab.
Tony grabbed the blade and sat down on the floor next to his desk, too tired to move. he pulled up his sleeve and looked at his scars, the jagged lines of pain. He put the blade to his skin, tearing his flesh. He reveled in the way his head spun as the blood seeped out. He could feel the anxiety receding, all his emotions gone. Only the pain, and nothing else.
Knocking at the door, Steve sighed a final time before speaking up through the glass. "Tony, I'm sorry. I had no right to say that to you when I know nothing about what happened. Would you let me in so I can actually give you a proper apology?"
Tony froze. He was hidden behind the desk, but if he moved, Steve would see him. He sat there paralyzed as he heard the door open, holding the razor tight in his right hand, and trying to stay as quiet as possible. Maybe Steve would leave if he didn't think Tony was here.
Steve stepped in, knowing that he was taking an even bigger risk by allowing himself through the door without permission. If this whole apology thing didn't work in his favor, he knew that he and Tony would have rocky standing. "Tony, I know you're around here somewhere. This is the only place you'd go to. I understand if you want to blow me off, but at least give me a chance." He looked around before stepping farther into the room.
Tony panicked, and subconsciously gripped the razor tightly into his palm, slicing his hand accidentally. "Shit" he swore loudly, instantly realizing his mistake and clamping his mouth shut, but it was too late.
Tony's voice caused Steve to turn. He followed it to the desk, but he certainly didn't expect to find what he did. Steve's face fell from apologetic to concerned as he quickly closed the distance between them and knelt next to Tony. "Good golly, Tony," he breathed, glancing at his hand.
"Fuck-Steve. Get. Out. NOW." Tony tried to hide his other arm, the one covered in cuts. He still hadn't pulled his sleeve down, but Steve caught him, gasping as he saw the scars. Steve's expression softened as he looked at the arm. He got up, but only to return with a first aid kit. He sat on the floor across from Tony and pulled out some cotton to clear off the blood.
"I thought I told you to leave" Tony barked out through a set jaw, jerking his arm back protectively and pulling down the sleeve.
Steve looked at Tony with sad eyes, "It's none of my business, I know. But I'm not going to leave you here bleeding. That's irresponsible and, quite frankly, incredibly rude and inconsiderate. I know I'm the last person you want to see right now, and you made that very clear, but I can't leave you like this. So please." Steve stared at him, not entirely sure of his emotions. He never would have known about any of this, had he not barged in, and he was glad that he had. At the same time, he felt incredibly guilty.
"I can deal with it myself. Just go away. I'm fine" Tony whispered, not very convincing with the waver in his voice.
"No," Steve stated plainly. "Tony, please. You don't need to deal with things like this."
"LEAVE ME ALONE. YOU'VE ALREADY DONE ENOUGH TONIGHT." Tony shouted, a few tears falling as he screeched.
Steve sighed, drawing back a bit. He deserved that. "I know. And I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I truly am, Tony. I know you won't hear any of it anyway, but I am so sorry. I have no right to talk about things I don't understand. I can't imagine what you went through, or what you're going through. No one could possibly know that but you. But this is about more than that, isn't it? You don't have to tell me. It's not my business. But you'll have to forgive me one more time, because I cannot leave you like this. I'm sorry, Tony."
Tony looked down, he was too exhausted to fight anymore. He gave in to Steve, giving the man his injured arm so he could bandage it. His arms were so marred, he couldn't even wear short sleeves anymore. He hated letting Steve see him like this. He didn't let anybody see him like this.
Steve took to bandaging Tony's arm cautiously, not wanting to hurt him. He was more than concerned, at this point, and far more than a little bit curious, but he remained silent, knowing that he was lucky that Tony was allowing him this much. He noted that Tony looked unbelievably tired and defeated, which he'd have never expected out of the other.
"I swear if you tell a soul about this..." Tony's empty threat was not even intimidating, it simply showed how helpless he felt. He looked up at Steve with tears threatening, but he refused to give Steve the satisfaction of seeing him really cry. Even though he knew in his heart that seeing him cry wouldn't make Steve feel good at all, he tried to stay angry at the man, so he could ignore his other emotions.
"It's none of their business, either," Steve returned quietly, moving over a bit to start bandaging his hand. "I know you're going to probably kick me in the face for this, but...you can talk to me, Tony. I..." he sighed, staring at the bandage for a moment before continuing, "I know that, right now, you'd talk to anyone but me about any of this, and I understand that. I can't promise that I'll have the right things to say, and I can't promise that I'll understand your actions, but I want you to know that I will try my best if you ever want to." He finished and looked up at Tony, not sure of what to say next.
"Thanks" Tony whispered. He wasn't mad-not really. Just sad. And he was afraid if he said any more, he would start bawling. A few tears spilled over as it was, and then a few more, until he brought his free hand up and buried his face in it, sobbing. He rolled himself up protectively, rocking back and forth as agony ripped through his frail body. He was shaking so hard, he couldn't even say anything to stop Steve from freaking out, so he simply settled for taking deep breaths so he wouldn't pass out.
Steve finished up, then turned his gaze away from Tony to allow him some privacy. He packed up the first aid kit and sat it above them on the desk, then turned his attention back to Tony. He never would have imagined things being like this, between them. He turned himself around and slid back so that he was sitting at Tony's side and remained silent, placing a hand on his shoulder.
Tony laid his head on Steve's shoulder, then grasped at him, holding on for dear life. He sniffed loudly and tried to stifle his sobs, eventually turning into small whimpers as his body attempted to calm itself.
Steve's arm dropped so that it was looped around Tony. He tilted his head out of the way to give Tony's more room and sighed once more. "You must get exhausted," he said quietly. "You don't have to put on a show, you know. If you're unhappy...you're allowed to be unhappy."
Tony hiccupped before taking a deep, shaky breath. "Nobody likes someone who is unhappy." Tony looked down, his voice getting quieter. "But I guess nobody really likes me anyways."
"Well, it certainly can't be any better forcing yourself to be happy when you're not," Steve replied, glancing down at him. "And I like you. You're a good man, Tony. We just disagree on...everything." He smiled just a bit. "I want to be friends. The trouble is, we're equally stubborn, and neither of us gives in when we're wrong."
Tony sighed. He didn't want to start a fight, but he wanted to make one thing clear. "You were wrong. Tonight. My father, he pointed a gun at my head. And said he would kill me. Because I got a C on my writing paper in second grade. Want to know why? Because I'm dyslexic. Yeah. But nobody knows that. Because if anyone knew that THE Howard Stark had a defective son, there would be blood. But first, he threatened my mother. Said it must have been her side that gave me the bad genes. It couldn't have come from the Stark DNA. So he pointed a gun at my head, and said he would kill my mother, and let me watch. And then he'd kill me too. Because I wasn't smart enough to be a Stark, therefore, I didn't deserve to live."
Steve's grip on Tony tightened without realizing he was doing it. He didn't know what to do with the information, really, so he let it sink in a bit. How could Howard have changed so drastically? "How could he do something like that?" he asked, though he wasn't really looking for an answer.
More tears fell as he remembered that night, and Tony buried his face in Steve shoulder, clinging to him. "I'm a disgrace to the Stark name. Nearly ruined my parents marriage too. I ruin everything" He whispered against Steve's neck.
"You are not a disgrace, Tony. You don't ruin everything. Look at all the things you've accomplished. Look at the arc reactor! That's more than impressive. No one in the world has been able to copy it correctly, you said so yourself. And JARVIS? Look at everything he's capable of. And that's all because of you, Tony. You did that. You are responsible for some of the most advanced technology in the world. And frankly, if your father treated you that way, you shouldn't work to live up to that kind of name, anyway."
Tony looked up with red rimmed eyes. "He changed Steve. After he lost you-he was never the same. He drank all the time. He was a mess" Tony whispered.
"And that was completely irresponsible of him. He had a family to look after, and he ruined that. Time truly does change everything, doesn't it?" Steve lifted his free hand and thumbed away the remaining tears on Tony's face. "I'm sorry, Tony. If I had known... I wish we could have traded personas. The Howard I knew...he would have made a wonderful father. I'm sorry that time hardened him the way that it did."
Tony nodded. "Thank you Steve. And I forgive you, for defending him. You didn't know." Tony looked down then, fidgeting with his hands. "And I don't want you to worry. About me. I'm okay."
"Thank you," Steve replied, but he gave him a wary look. "That's easier said than done. How...how long?"
Tony sighed audibly. "Since Afghanistan I guess. But I've done it before. When I was a kid. Helps me think when I am freaking out" Tony admitted quietly. He'd never told anyone these things before.
Steve frowned, nodding a bit. "Well, we'll need to find something else that helps you think."
"I've tried lots of stuff. And I do well for a while. But, it's like a drug. I can't stop. When I get upset, it's my go to. I can't stop myself, even though I want to." Tony looked down again, ridden with guilt.
"Then from now on, when you're feeling that way, you come talk to me. I don't care what I'm doing. I will make time. I don't ever want to find you like this again.""
"I-can't promise that. But I'll try. I really will" Tony whispered.
"Then all I can do is be grateful for that much." Steve leaned back a bit, still holding Tony close to him, "You certainly gave me quite a scare, though."
"I'm sorry" Tony whispered honestly.
"I'm going to do whatever it takes to make you happy again, Tony. I don't mean the usual way, either. I'll do everything I can to make you genuinely happy again," Steve promised.
Tony looked into his eyes, and blurted out what had been on his mind for weeks, without thinking about the consequences. "I love you" He breathed, and kissed Steve's cheek.
Steve was surprised, more by the statement than the action. He looked at Tony for a moment before smiling. "I love you, too. So try for me, alright? I'll try to be more understanding if you'll let me try to help you." He leaned in and pressed their lips together softly, grazing his fingers across Tony's cheek. "Deal?"
Tony nodded, a faint smile playing at his lips. "Thank you. For everything." Tony yawned, he felt like he could keel over any second. "Maybe we should get some sleep?"
Steve nodded, letting go of Tony and pressing himself up from the ground. He held a hand out and pulled Tony up as well. Tony put an arm around Steve's back and they headed upstairs. "You staying with me tonight?" Tony asked tentatively.
"If you want me to, I will," Steve replied with a shrug.
"Please do" Tony whispered, gripping Steve's hand tightly.
"Okay," he replied softly. "Let me go change, and I'll come right back, alright?"
Tony nodded. He threw on some boxers and a tshirt, leaving his arms exposed for the first time in a while. It felt somewhat freeing, not having to hide himself.
Steve left and returned a few minutes later, wearing sleep pants and a tshirt. He yawned as he entered the room, then smiled when he saw Tony in a tshirt as well. "Looks good on you." He commented.
Tony was so self conscious, he nearly changed it three times before Steve got back, eventually opting to press his wrists into his legs. "I-thanks" he smiled genuinely. God, Steve Rogers...
Steve smiled wider and nodded once. "You're welcome. Bed, now." He walked over to Tony and led him to the bed, then walked around the other side and laid down.
Tony obeyed, and eyed his marred arm that was intertwined with Steve's once they were under the covers. "You don't have to look at these-I should change..." He said quickly, readying to get up.
"No," Steve replied instantly. "When I said 'I love you', I meant you. All of you. Right down to every last scar. And you do look very nice in that shirt. So please, don't change."
Tony stared at Steve wide eyed, a few tears escaping. he was panicky right now, his anxiety spiking. He wasn't used to people seeing his arms and he definitely didn't like how exposed he was feeling right now. "Ok" He whispered, burying his face in Steve's shoulder, trying to stop shaking as he hid his arms under the covers.
Steve pressed a kiss to Tony's forehead and curled his arms around him, trying to calm him. "It's okay, Tony. Really. And if you don't want me talking about it, I won't. But please don't think that you have to keep yourself covered up. You never have to pretend with me."
Tony nodded. "I know I just-I'm not used to this. To people seeing this side of me. It's-scary. I don't want to scare you away. My arms are ugly." he whispers.
"No," Steve repeated, carefully slipping Tony's arms out from under the blankets. He gently brushed over the scarred skin with his fingers. "They're beautiful," he said quietly. "They're rough, and they're worn, but they're experienced, and they tell a story that could never be told in words. They are anything but ugly," he breathed, placing soft kisses over the scarred skin.
Tony stared as Steve kissed his arms, tears falling freely. "You really think so?" He asked, so much vulnerability in his eyes.
Steve locked eyes with Tony, his expression not even coming close to expressing how sincere he truly was. "More than I could ever explain. Never be ashamed of them."
Tony closed his eyes and smiled, truly smiled. "Thank you" He whispered, pulling Steve in to kiss his neck, before snuggling himself against the man, already half asleep.
Steve smiled and pushed a hand through his hair, then draped his arms around Tony once more. "Sweet dreams, Tony," he whispered before letting his eyes fall shut as well.
#DEAD. So this was pretty much for me and my feels, but hopefully it won't make you explode. Reviews keep me going!