GET OOOOUUUTTT!
Not much was happening in Noah the Authoress's home except for watching Alice in Wonderland (Tim Burton's version), reading Marked by P.C. Cast and Kristen Cast, and listening to Silent Lucidity by QueenScrythe. That is, until she heard a KRSITINK sound and went to her bathroom to investigate. There was Edward Cullen, naked in her shower. He had water pouring on him, which would make any Twilight fan girl want to have him. But Noah gagged. Edward Cullen was disgusting to her. I mean come on! HE HAS PAINTED ON ABS! Anyway, Noah went to the shelf in her kitchen but forgot that her mother's revolver was missing. So, she ran down the driveway (which was VERY long) and kicked open the door to her old house. She went to the back bedroom (in the process tripping over debris from moving) and retrieved the sword her brother gave her four years back.
"SUCCESS!" She screamed. Then, as she laughed, she summoned her favorite men from her favorite media based analogy. (I like this word. Who cares if it's the right meaning?) There was Dante, Vergil, Carlisle, Jacob Black, Riku, Hagi, Vincent Valentine (Turks version), Cloud Strife, Raizo, Chad and Alex Wagner (Jean-Claude van Damme ftw), Eric Draven (Brandon Lee ftw), Ashe Corvin, Fang, Alucard, Young Dante (ftw), Ares (Kevin Smith ftw), Joker (Heath Ledger ftw), and finally, Jack Sparrow(Johnny Depp ftw).
"Well, now that all of you are here, we're gonna torture the most ugly thing on the planet-"
Hojo?" Vincent asked; flipping his bangs out of his eyes. Noah shook her head. "He's in the next 'torture-kill' fan fiction though. Keep that noted for me. My memory is pretty bad."
Vincent nodded and took out a pen. He proceeded to write down a note for her to remember.
"So, love. Who in this god forsaken place is ugly besides some of those freaks over there?" He pointed his thumb at Eric and Ashe. In response they pounded him into the ground. "Damn pirates…" Eric commented.
Noah shook her head. 'Why me..?'
"Anyway, as I was trying to say, the THING we are gonna torture is…"
She waited for the suspense to rise between the large group. Then, as what seemed like forever, she finally said, "Edward Cullen."
There was a loud cheer amongst the large group. Even Raizo and Hagi were smiling sadistically.
Noah sniffed the air. Then she looked at young Dante. "Dude, is that pot?"
He shrugged. Noah shook her head again in disbelief. "Damn my generation sometimes…"
XXX
After gathering any kind of weapon they could find in the old House, Noah and her gang set out to her new House. Her family, which lived down her enormous and long driveway, looked in wonder as to where all the men came from. Her two aunts squealed when they caught site of Jack and fainted.
"Okay boys, he's in he-"
When she opened the door, he was in her living room naked, with nothing but a towel around his waist. Her FAVORITE black towel.
A silence broke out except for Noah's hard breathing.
Then, all hell broke loose. "How DARE YOU desecrate my FAVORITE black towel with your filthy penis!"
Some snickers came from Dante, Vergil, Young Dante, Chad, and Alex. "What penis?" they asked as both Dantes busted out laughing. Noah nodded in agreement. "Good point."
Jacob started snickering when he finally got the joke. "Oh Edward. Looks like Bella's mine, bitch."
Edward blushed in embarrassment. "But Noah, my love…Don't you think I'm sexy…?" He said, dropping his towel.
Noah turned green and puked all over the floor. "Sorry asshole, but dicks don't impress me. I AM still in Middle School. Dicks gross me out."
Then, she started rambling. "You aren't at all sexy, buddy. These guys…They're here BECAUSE they're the DEFINITION of sexy. That, and they're here to kill you. Well, torture you first."
Raizo and Hagi stepped up with sadistic smiles on their faces. Then, the same grin spread across the faces of ALL the men inside Noah's door.
"You're fucked." Eric said.
"Totally fucked." Agreed Ashe.
"So fucked, that there is no hope for you…" Carlisle said.
"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" Noah chimed in with the Red Queen on TV.
~Censored~
YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE!
MY ONLY SUNSHINE!
YOU MAKE ME HAPPY
WHEN SKIES ARE GREY!
YOU NEVER KNOW DEAR
HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU
SO PLEASE DON'T TAKE
MY SUNSHINE AWAY!
~Back to story~
Noah smiled in triumph at the gory scene in front of her. Edward was mutilated, eaten, spat back out, tortured, had knives thrown at his dick while he was pinned to the wall, then castrated. His girly screams were recorded on tape and played over and over while Noah and the Men laughed their asses off at it. Then Noah took her favorite black towel (which could not be repaired by any kind of soap) and wrapped the limbs of Edward Cullen up and brought outside to her cousin and his friend.
"Hey, retarded cousin."
He looked up. "Yeah homo?"
"Delivery. Something to burn."
She threw down the towel to reveal the limbs. Her cousin and his friend laughed. "Edward Cullen?"
Noah nodded. "In the…er…flesh."
"Got any marshmellows or something?" Eric asked.
A smile crept on his face. Her cousin nodded.
XXX
DEATH TO EDWARD CULLEN! Gosh I hate him. He's so faggoty.
Hope you enjoyed! :D