Author's note: A story from Fox's point of view, in the manner that I suspect he thinks.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or styles in this, they're owned by the almighty Nintendo corporation.
Blinding light seared my retina as I stepped out into the grandstand. A wave of sound assaulted my over-sensitive ears as the untold thousands of audience members recognised my form. It was always like this, or at least it had been in recent times. Ever since they realized how awesome I was. How awesome we are I should say, to keep Falco happy; but let's face it, we all know where the real power in this team is.
As usual my fans dominated the audience; cheering my name mindlessly like the faithful hounds they are; pathetic. Packing themselves into these stands just to see some bloodshed, they're really no better than barbarians. How I hate them. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for them, HE wouldn't have any need of me. If it wasn't for them I would be free. Sometimes I hate being so good.
It all started a year and a half ago. Slippy, Falco and I were out on a reconnaissance mission, fairly standard, check out a few uncharted planets and then go home. No problem. And all was going to plan, until that filthy canine, Wolf, had to stick his snout in. Normally he would never have stood a chance against the likes of me, us. However, craven that he is, he snuck up behind us and shot before we even knew he was there. Slippy was obliterated in an instant, naturally; Falco and myself meanwhile sustained massive damage to our ships, too much to engage the target. So we did the only thing we could do, we fled. But in the state that we were in, I knew we couldn't go far. Finding a nearby habitable planet was easy; landing on it, however, was another matter.
Falco of course failed miserably and crashed within moments, got his wings clipped by twin mountains as he hurtled uncontrollably across the horizon. I faired better, but it was only through an incredible expenditure of pure skill that I was able to make it, relatively, unscathed. Finding a suitable landing zone, I gracefully landed my vehicle with limited damage to myself or my craft. Though my humility does require of me to make mention of the school and the hospital that had to be sacrificed, so as to allow this feet of aeronautical mastery.
As I made my way out of the flaming ruins of what appeared to be a maternity ward, I came face to face with those who would later become my audience. My scanner showed them to be members of an inferior species known as 'humans'; reading their specs I determined that they were of limited intelligence and of low fighting capability. Unconcerned I ignored them. What might scans didn't pick up however, was their balls.
With a resounding 'KLUNK' a metal sphere bounced of my face and fell to the ground. Instantly opening and shooting, what I thought to be, a killer laser beam. Rather, it was some sort of primitive tractor beam, which quickly drew me into the rather uncomfortable confines of the metal sphere. I fought with all of my usually considerable might, but in my weakened state, my endeavours led to no avail.
I was captured by a pubescent, acne riddled kid, who was clearly a sadist of the most disgusting kind. It was the most embarrassing moment of my life. I, the great Fox McCloud, captured by a boy whose voice wavered painfully from piercingly annoying to just plain whiny. I, commander of the Great Fox, brought low by a little runt barely out of diapers. I, who felled Andros the Destroyer, captured by a brat with delusions of grandeur, and no concept of the moral reprehensibility of slave labour. Understandably, at this point I was rather irate.
After much careful consideration I decided that my only possible course of action was to go postal on the kid and teach him not to play with his balls. Unfortunately however, fate decided she hated me, and gave him the power to punish disobedience with his mind; effectively ending any plans I may have had of liberating this planet of another egotistical 'trainer'.
And so I was forced to do battle with other slaves, in what I gathered to be a rather strange attempt to prove to some red-haired lady in short-shorts, that my 'trainer', who I never bothered to learn the name of, was a 'real man'. Personally I thought he would have been better off getting a voice change and giving some serious thought to just who was in his league; but watching him fail was just so much more fun than telling him that. And so it was that my life was reduced to a cycle of waiting, fighting, and most exciting of all, waiting some more.
For about a year we travelled together, by the end of which I had successfully obliterated two major cities, three smaller townships, 8 villages and countless trainers. It was at this point that my trainer realised that I was just too awesome for him to keep, and so 'traded' me off to my current master. The infamous Master Glove. When he first told me his name I resigned myself to yet another of the wacked out psychopaths in a cape that seemed to infest this rock. I will admit myself to have been wrong. The infamous Master Glove, was in fact, a glove. A big white glove in fact, with few other defining characteristics other than an assumed lack of both brains and balls. The later was quickly remedied, however, by my pasty-faced partner, as he handed over my spherical cage in return for some sort of weird looking thunder rat. Insulting to say the least.
And so it was that I found myself at the mercy of a particularly diabolical article of clothing; still, it was undeniably an improvement on my now ball-less friend. In short order I was bundled up and tossed unceremoniously into a cell; where, to my great surprise I met up with Falco. The shock came not so much from the fact that he too had been captured, for my capture proved that his would be inevitable, but rather from the fact that he too had survived. After all, he lacked talent, and thus his death had also seemed to be an inevitability.
I spent the next few months pretending to listen to fanciful tales of Falco's so called adventures; pride of my life that my faced stayed straight throughout his monotonous tales of so-called heroism. My only respite came in the form of the daily exercise regime, a scheme which I enthusiastically endorsed, so as to escape the inane chattering of my avian cellmate. Naturally, I soon caught the eye the supervisor, and it was not long before I was approached with an offer. They offered myself and another cellmate, of my choosing, a chance at freedom. All we had to do was win 100 matches in the coliseum. As my other choice was to be disintegrated on the spot, I deigned to accept their offer.
I had 24 hours to select a partner from the other inmates. It was not a difficult task. The inhabitants of this cellblock primarily consisted of technologically primitive species, and thus were inferior. However I am a fair fox, and thus I gave each candidate the amount of consideration they deserved. A decision I came to regret, as I found myself wading through a talentless quagmire of plumbers, dinosaurs, hedgehogs and one strange bald man who grew flowers. At the end of my search however, I had managed to find three individuals that managed to scrape over the line. Falco, and two bounty hunters.
The first bounty hunter, a proud fellow by the name of Boba-Fett, was forcibly removed from the selection pool, when he was eaten by some sort of green dinosaur. The other bounty hunter was a tall, blonde, 'well equipped' warrior who seemed perfect to by my partner. However, she quickly lost her place, when I noticed that she spent most of her time lusting over a piece of pink bubblegum that had somehow developed feet and primitive cognitive function. She was clearly insane. Knowing that I was standing right there, she chose to pursue a pink ball, whose only purpose in life seemed to be to out eat the green dinosaur. I'll never understand the some people. Sadly, that left Falco.
So here we are, Falco and I; after months of systematically slaughtering our inmates, only to discover that they could be revived indefinitely; we, well I, had earned the admiration of the crowd, and we're now preparing to take on our next opponent. Oh joy.
I spared a glance to the simulated battle environment; it was completely empty, except for a lone sign which read 'The Final Destination'. I chuckled under my breath, so it was going to be an old fashioned showdown. Fantastic! Perhaps this time my opponent would be good enough for me to stretch my muscles. I checked my gun and my reflector shield to make sure that both were at hand and ready for the upcoming battle. And psyched myself up to unleash a shit-storm of pownage on whoever walked through that portal.
The lights dimmed, the crowd fell silent, the only sound in the stadium, a deep, resonant drumbeat. Slow at first, the drum gradually grew in tempo, rising finally to a frenzied rhythm, aimed to drive the crowd wild with anticipation. And, inferior beings that they were, the hackneyed method worked, finally driving the crowd over the edge into an uncontrolled uproar. I let the sound of the crowd wash over me, basking in it. For I had learnt that the fervency of the cheering correlated with the popularity of the opponent; I'd never heard a crowd as wild as this one. This was going to be a big one.
The crowd fell silent, the signal had been given, and the challengers approached. Who could it be? Probably one of those I'd singled out for my team originally, all of the others were just inferior barbarians, there was no way they'd be able to hold a candle to us.
The ground beneath me began to tremble as a detonation shook the stage; smoke clogged my vision; the only sound, the heavy footsteps of what I was sure would be my ultimate foe.
To be this popular, they must be almost as awesome as I am, a proxy of my talent, of my superiority, of my skill. The smoke began to clear, I could see their outline, one large, one small. I'd take the large one, then finish of the small one for Falco when I was done. Closing my eyes, I saw how I would win, saw how I would be free, saw myself besting my ultimate foe. Throwing open my eyes I beheld my-oh-so-popular opponent.
Shit. It was a guerrilla. And he had a chimp. Double shit. My ultimate foe was a monkey. My disappointment was rivalled only by my contempt for the crowd, as I realised that this, thing, was their favourite. That they thought it to be a match for me. I wouldn't even need to flex my muscles.
Turning to my sidekick, I let out a snort of laughter, "Let's get this over and done with, I'll take the big one, don't get in my way."
As I said this the 'Big one' gestured his pet forth and began to swing his arm, as if he hopped to gain some sort of power boost from the movement. Well it was just a monkey after all. Ignoring him, for the moment, I focused on the chimp, not much of a threat, but at least he seemed to have a bit of speed to him. Suddenly enjoying myself, I decided to abandon my plan and meet his charge, mimicking his simple tactic of 'charge head on'.
Just before we made contact I leapt gracefully in the air, spinning myself as I did so to unleash a drill kick on the unprepared chimp. I felt bones crack beneath my feet as I smashed my unfortunate foe to the ground. I lightly stepped off of him, and then turned to grab him as he rose, battered and bleeding, from the dust at my feet. Pulling the poor beast towards me, I made sure he was looking me in the eye as I delivered a powerful punch directly to his face, sending him flying towards Falco. My ally stood ready, waiting for my leftovers. The moment the small monkey came within his range he unleashed a double-armed swing into the creatures stomach. The force of the attack was enough to send him flying away, over his partner and off the stage, falling to his death and removal from the fight. One down two to go.
The small chimp's death had left the crowd momentarily speechless, I understood their awe, sometimes my awesomeness shocked myself. It was not long, however, before they realised how utterly I'd obliterated my foe, and showed their appreciation in a matter more befitting. Allowing myself a brief smile I realised that I could take my time with this opponent, and show the crowd just how powerful I was. First a little light show.
Clenching my muscles as hard as I could, I released the sheer amount of energy I had built up in my body. 'Come on!' I screamed as flames gushed forth from my pores surrounding me in a firestorm of sheer power. The crowd loved it, and as one they began to cheer my name. They were like sheep, and hung of my every whim.
My joyful reverie was interrupted as a loud rumbling sound behind me stampeded towards me. Turning on the spot, I saw that the guerrilla had finally decided to meet his maker. Showing as little care for the finer points of tactics as his smaller team-mate had, he charged me head on. Confident in my abilities I planned to simply kick him back, then swoop in to where he landed to finish him off. Just as I was about to do this however, I noticed that the beast was flashing white, almost as if he contained within him an intense amount of energy. Curious at this turn of events I calmly sidestepped the wild kick he lunged at me with, then proceeded to roll behind the beast out of his range.
Confused by my agility and style, the poor ape looked around in confusion for a moment as if unsure as to whether or not he'd killed his target. It was not long before he noticed Falco standing in front of him frantically reaching for his blaster. Having spied the blue bird, the rapid beast beat its chest in rage and began its crazed charge once more.
Falco for his part had finished fumbling with his weapon and now turned it on the approaching wall of angry muscle. His first shot didn't seem to have any effect on the brute, his second only served to enrage it more. Clearly desperate, my ally attempted to fire off another shot, this one however was dodged as the obstinate monkey neatly jumped over the blue beam, managing to time his jump to land just before reaching his avian enemy. A moment before he landed however, one of his great arms was pulled back in preparation. As his feet touched the ground, he flung his entire weight forward, fist first, in a punch so powerful that it burned white hot.
For a split second the two stood suspended in a motionless state, the monkey's fist and Falco's face occupying the same area. A moment later the universe righted this anomaly by sending Falco flying backwards at breakneck speeds. He too was driven past the edge of the stage and plunged down to his death. I couldn't help but laugh at the fact that he'd been beaten by such a stupid brute. He really was pathetic. Once more it was all up to me.
In one fluid movement I pulled out my blaster and unloaded a series of blasts into the ape's face before holstering it once more. The dumb thug didn't even know what hit him. He was just left standing there staring stupidly, confusion clouding his eyes even as the smell of his burnt flesh pervaded his nostrils. Predictably he did the only thing he seemed to know how to do, he began swinging his arm.
Having seen the effect of the 'super punch' on Falco I decided that it would be better to not risk facing one of them, I wouldn't want it to ruin my fur after all. Conclusion then, I had to end this before he could get in that punch, I had to end it fast.
With this in mind I began to sprint forward as fast as I could. Before long I was within range of my patented (I'm too big of a man to point out that Falco copies it) 'Shadow Fox' move. Flicking on the shadow drive I partially phased out of existence, momentarily becoming semi-tangible. In an instant I'd closed the distance between me and my primitive foe. The plan was simple, using my shadow drive I'd capitalize on his moment of shock to cut straight through him, wiping him out in an instant. The crowd would cheer, I'd do some posing and then later I'd have some good clean family fun with some wild female foxes. Easy.
My superior intellect however was unable to account for the ape's insurmountable lack of intelligence. The overgrown tic had somehow managed to find a way to survive off pure instinct. An instinct that told him he was about to die. Acting on this instinct he managed to roll away out of the range of my attack (the chances of him figuring out my plan being zero of course), whereas another, more complicated individual would have been doomed to a messy painful death. If only my brain weren't so much more evolved than his, I'd have been able to predict his moves. Honestly sometimes my genius is a curse.
As it was, I was left momentarily stunned before the twitching mass of angry muscle. I was stuck there, just as he began to deliver his super punch. A lesser fox would have wet himself, but naturally I was doing okay. Just as with his chimp companion, I kept my wits about me and sidestepped the slightly impressive punch. My timing was so perfect that I could feel the hairs on his arm brush my nose. It was of course deliberate to those who doubt me, I always say you need to keep them guessing till the last moment.
Naturally the punch was too powerful for the beast to have any real control over; his momentum was enough to force him to stumble forward for a second. Obviously this gave me more time than I needed to finish him off. Grabbing him by his bright red tie, I gracefully smashed his face into the floor, leaping off of the ground as I did so, unloading a battery of laser blasts into his back. The sheer force of my downwards throw sent him sailing off into the air, where moments later I met him with my devastating quintuple kick of doom.
Hey flew away into the crowd, covered in blaster marks, filled with broken bones and sporting a bruise the shape of my boot in the middle of his face. Utterly defeated.
Inevitably the crowd went wild; within moments they were falling over each other to show how much they adored me. Even one such as I, possessing humility and sportsmanship in abundance, allowed myself a small smile.
Just another day's work well done.
End note: Please feel free to review, I encourage all forms of review. I'd love to hear where you all feel I can improve.