Natsume felt lost, for the first time. Lost for words, lost for direction. He was just lost. It was not the first time they spoke. As a matter of fact, they talked, often in comfort. But this time, it seemed different. Good different, bad different, he could not tell. He was not that kind of person. He did not go down deep in someone. He was not someone who would have some kind of attachment over a girl. Everybody knew that relationships do not last. Love is not something that will last forever, it was a waste of time.

He looked away immediately. "Yeah, whatever," he told her. She asked if he could sell chocolates along with the Class B for a fundraising event. He would have said no but he wanted to retire having to look at her.

She smiled. He hated having to look at her. Her auburn eyes were never emotionless. This time, they seemed grateful and assuring at the same time. He could not believe that her eyes could show two emotions at once.

"Thanks, Natsume. That's really helpful," she said before she left him in the forest.

Natsume was quite thankful she decided to leave already. He was almost on the brink. He can't be on the brink. Still, he watched her dark hair sway behind her as she walked away from where he sat, writing furiously upon a notepad. She was the events coordinator and the class vice president, she pretty much had it all. She was beautiful, she was good in juggling her schedule and she had good friends. Not his type.

Natsume took his mangga from the grass and left the forest. He could not stop telling himself how much he hated staring straight into her eyes. She's not that bad, really, but she's starting to put his principles to garbage. He was not falling for her, but he knew she had that face that would make anyone fall on his knees, not that he would.

He stuck his key on the keyhole and opened the door to his room. It was empty, as usual, not that he was expecting anything. He never really grew up with anybody. He relied on himself to help him get through anything he could. He did not think it was right to feel dependent on people around him especially girls. People always leave.

The scorching weekend sun broke through the maroon curtains that lay shut in Natsume's room, waking him up. Just in time for the fund raising. Fresh from the shower, he left his room and went straight to the booths.

"Finally," Ruka said when Natsume reached them. He stood next to Hotaru Imai, fixing their boxes of chocolates. "I thought you won't come."

Natsume brushed a hand through his wind-dried hair. "I said I would come, didn't I?"

"That's good, we're all here." Mikan walked towards them, wearing a smile brighter than the sunshine. "Natsume, you're sharing the booth with me."

If he had to choose, he could have picked Sumire instead, or Hotaru even. Mikan's presence only reminded him what he had been thinking for the past week or two. With her, he realized how lonely he really was. He did not like being around her but he was not someone who would defy his word.

Natsume followed Mikan towards their booth. She wore a small Sunday dress with playful yellow flowers stuck onto a white cloth, her flat ballet shoes were of the same shade of yellow. She seemed happy dressing up.

"You'd be a good investment for our fund raiser, considering you actually have a fanclub," Mikan said as the first three costumers came. The three female students could not stop giggling as they came close enough to the Black Cat.

Natsume refused to move a finger in order to help Mikan, she did look fine by herself. The crowd of customers were pleasing because they did not buy just one bar, unsurprisingly, they kept coming back just for the sight of Natsume. Even if he just sat next to Mikan, who did all the work. Mikan did not seem to mind, after all.

"You can do it by yourself," Natsume spoke in a monotonous level as female students flocked the booth.

Mikan smiled. "Actually, your popularity alone is help enough for the charity."

Natsume chose not to comment on that. He watched Mikan, who stood next to him, gathering rabbits and giving out chocolates to the customers. Her smile never wavered, despite if she felt tired. Her voice was still perky like she just came out of the cafeteria. She was so clumsy that rabbits fell off the table. Natsume merely watched her crouch down, her hair smoothly flowing down her thin shoulders as she took the coins, fingers grazing the soil just slightly. Natsume decided to look away before he thoroughly left himself drowning at the sight of Mikan in clear pressure.

He knew why he did not want to give in even if it had been utterly tempting for the past weeks. He liked watching her overreact on simple things and yet he hated this. He hated having to hate it so he would not give in. At one random moment, as if of thank you, Mikan found Natsume's red gaze, her auburn eyes had a hint of sparkle in them, he looked away immediately. Was she worth the risk?

Natsume left her little pep talk of gratefulness. Her happiness was infectious. And he retired to his four-poster bed. If he had to love one thing, it was silence. He liked to be able to rationalize his thoughts and uncomfortable behavior. But even at half an hour, he came unsuccessful. Her smile was stuck like a memory wanting to be kept. He was not confused, he was just trying to stop whatever he felt. He decided it was best to forget about it or just brush it away.

He stood up after he got the fill of silence he wanted. He took a cold bath and got ready for the masquerade charity ball. They had been given their own unique masks, with feathers and whatever a mask should have.

Clad in all black, Natsume reached the school gym later than the start of the ball. It was never that hard to find Ruka's silver blonde hair, and there was always an empty seat saved for Natsume. No one ever sat there.

"Good, you're here," Ruka said. "They haven't announced who had gathered the most rabbits yet."

Natsume sat down next to his best friend. Every one of the original Class B was there, except for her. Of course, she was somewhere else. She was always somewhere else. After all, an events coordinator asked so much of her time.

After a few minutes, Mr. Narumi had entered the stage. His outrageous ensemble really stood up from the crowd.

"Is every one ready to find out who won?" he said with a smile, holding his mask with two of his fingers. Everybody clapped in response, a few howled. He smiled and took out a white envelope from his coat. "The winner is the senior class B!"

Natsume's class was welcomed by a roar of applause and a few buzz. Everyone knew how they had earned. Ruka and Natsume alone could have done it by themselves by popularity alone. A quick, perky clap came, its rhythm was out of the others. And there she was, wearing a short white dress that hid her waist in balloon. Her auburn hair was sleek and straight, only wearing the same color of a headband. Her shoes were like her yellow ones, but white. Natsume wondered how many she had like those. Her smile reflected how happy she felt as she walked up to the stage to receive the certificate. She looked breathtaking.

"Mikan looks different today," Ruka said through the noise.

"I know." Natsume supposed both of them were looking at the same person but seeing as though Ruka's head was facing a different direction, Natsume knew he was looking at somebody else.

"Come to think of it, why aren't you asking her out?" he asked Ruka, eyes still on Mikan.

"Who?"

"Hotaru. Who else?"

"Hotaru? I'm waiting for the right time," Ruka answered, looking away from his personal muse. He never told Natsume but it was obvious.

"When would be the right time?"

"I don't know, I'm just not ready to ask her."

Natsume wondered if he was just not ready also.

Natsume got out of the charity ball, escaping the noise and the people. He went to his refuge to get some silence off of his raging thoughts.

"Thanks." She seemed to have followed him out of the gym.

Natsume looked behind him. Her white dress could be easily seen through the darkness. "For what?"

"I don't know, popularity reasons for this?" Mikan held out the certificate she received almost an hour ago.

Natsume took his crimson eyes away from her petite figure as she sat next to him. "What are you doing?"

"Sitting right next to you," she replied with a beautiful smile, at that moment, she looked picture-perfect.

"I'd rather be alone," Natsume told her. The more he spent time with her, the more he realized how much he needed her. And every time she smiled at him, he felt that he was going deeper into her, but he really was not. He found it odd.

Mikan curled her eyebrows. "Alright," she said, standing up. He knew she tried to smile because she did. Even if it was not as genuine as her normal smiles, it was still nice to look at. And he thought she had more than looks to tell. She stood up and took Natsume's attention with her. For a second there, before she left, there seemed to be sympathy in her eyes like she felt sorry for him.

Mikan started to walk out of the forest and Natsume did not stop her. Although what he did seemed slightly mean, he really thought that he was starting to want her, which was not really bad but in that note, he would start needing her. She was a different girl, sort of a listener and a talker. She was rare.

Natsume left the forest in silence and was grateful for it. But it came out as a bad idea because she was there and she saw him.

"I thought you left," Natsume said, walking towards her.

"But I'm here, guess not," Mikan spoke. Natsume knew well enough that Mikan never really hid what she felt. She sat on an empty bench, breathing in the spring air.

Natsume sat next to her, since he was there already.

"I thought you wanted to be alone," she said with a little bitterness to her tone.

"I changed my mind," Natsume said.

She was not looking at him, instead she had her eyes upon nowhere but a fake horizon. Her eyes were still sparkling under the moonlight. "I like your mask," she said with a small smile.

"What's up with you?" Natsume knew that it had always been out of his character to look like he really cared about other people's lives. And even if he wanted to be relieved of Mikan, there was an impending guilt running through him, like it was his fault she was feeling like this.

"Nothing," she said. The high register in her voice seemed to be deteriorating. "Tired, I guess."

He chose not to say anything, other than the fact that he did not know what to say to make her feel better. But the silence felt almost comforting, almost what he wanted. It was not usually what Natsume would do, but he'd like to try and give in. He had always been good at escaping, after all.

"I like you," he told her. It was something he found hard to tell. "You make it easy to give in."

She smiled. "Did you give in?"

"Not yet."

People always leave, it's what he had been telling himself since he started dating. Mikan will leave soon but he needed her, to fill up the loneliness that surrounded his life. And she needed him to give in. Natsume liked being with her too and it was not that hard to take the risk.

Natsume gave in.

That snowy Christmas night, when everyone was leaving the dance, Natsume had her again, for the majority of the night. But at the end of the night. he stood outside the gym, watching her black dress flow in the wind and she left with a different boy.

People always leave, that's what I always tell myself.

[END]