AN: Hey guys, I hope this doesn't bum you too hard.
Warning: Mentions of cutting, suicide, serious angst.
Walrus: Walrushlee does not own Homestuck.
She was doing it again. Did 'again' really belong in that sentence if she never really stopped? It sure seems like she didn't
"Who are you talking to, honey?" I'm facing away from her, I just can't look her in the eye anymore. It hurts.
"Nepeta."
"Hmm." I vaguely wonder if it's better she's blind. They say it's harder to lie if you're looking someone in the eye when you do it. Does she even really know? "Y'wanna turn that off and go to sleep."
"Uh-uh." Her voice is muffled. She's licking the screen again.
I grab my pillow a bit harder and take a deep breath. I shut my eyes, hard, and try not to let the tears squeeze out. They do anyway and I take one last shuddering breath.
"Are you alright?" I try to ignore the slight concern in her voice. I can't let it get to me.
"Yeah, yeah," I compose myself and send her a half hearted smirk, "It was good for me, was it good for you?"
She giggles and lets out a snort, "Yuh huh." She returns to her phone. I frown when I notice her face lighten up as it buzzes.
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I feel the tears start to work up again and quickly hop out of the bed.
"I'm going to the bathroom." She lets out a grunt of acknowledgment.
I stumble in and close the door. Fuck! I fall right down on my ass and curl up. I can't calm down, why the hell can't I calm down?! What happened, what did I do to her?!
We started dating a year ago. After I stopped 'sending mixed signals', we started. It was awesome, I did everything I could to keep her happy, she was my queen, my everything. I placed nothing above her. I though she did the same. I loved her. I hate that I still do.
Then I walked in on Strider literally nook deep in her.
What did he have?! What does he have that I can't give her?! Anything! I'd have given her anything she only had to ask, but she won't even keep her pants on for me.
There was yelling. Only on my part. She was crying, begging me, I still don't know what for. I just couldn't deal with her right then and there, because I wasn't mad. I was sad. Sad she thought this was what she needed, sad she could betray me. So, I didn't yell at her, I didn't do anything to her. I vented everything I had at Strider and it's fucking funny because right now, I got nothing for him. If we switched placed, I'd probably do it too. But I still hate him, not for fucking Terezi, not for betraying me, but because he was the worst part of that night. When I was yelling at him, he said nothing. It was just his smugness, that he managed to pull the wool over my eyes. He didn't smirk, he didn't smile, he just sat there with a blanket covering his junk. And a corner of his mouth, curling up and a twinkle in his eye behind those goddamn sunglasses.
And she just cried and begged.
He had slowly gotten dressed and calmly left. She just cried in the corner and looked longingly after him. When he left I didn't know what to do. Because the second he left then she started saying she would never do it again. Never talk to him. Never see him.
But it meant nothing because she said it after he left. So he wouldn't hear.
She threw herself at me, hugged my back, tried to cover herself up. I 'forgave' her and never met her eye. I told her to dress and asked what she wanted for dinner.
I didn't touch her that night and she didn't complain.
I never caught them in the sack again. I did however catch them at the movies, at dinner and exiting his apartment.
It sounds like I was looking for them. I wasn't. What the fuck are the chances of just seeing them. Pretty crappy I think. They must be doing it a lot.
I shakily get on my feet. He's texting her right now, I know it. What the hell do I do? Do I leave her? I can't, I know she's my soul mate, the only matesprit I shall ever want. What do I do?
I glare into the mirror. Am I crap? Does she think I'm not good enough for her? Am I ugly? Stupid? Mean, ignorant, selfish? What the hell is it? It's all I can do not to break the mirror, not to tear this bathroom apart.
My eyes are puffy and red, I'm standing naked in our bathroom and I just can't figure out how I got here. I glance at the razor blade hidden behind my faucet and I succumb again.
You have to cut the grubscars. It's the only place where the lines aren't really visible. I close my eyes and breathe in deep, letting the pain wash over me. I feel a bit light headed, but it's fine, there's no room for thought. I hastily grab a tissue and wipe off the blade before doing the same to the blood running down my sides.
A while ago Terezi asked about the bloody Kleenex's at the bottom of the trash and I told her I cut myself shaving. She hasn't asked since.
I stare at myself in the mirror until the bleeding stops and I feel ready. Then I notice I'm still holding the razor…and I can't seem to let go.
But no. I won't do that. Not for me, but for her. She'd be crushed, blame herself, never be the same. There's no way in hell Dave could put her back together.
After a moment of shaking, I put it down. Well, more like drop it. It makes an impossibly loud clatter in the sink and the clicking in the next room stops. Fuck.
"…Karkat?" She's right by the door, "Are you alright?"
No, "Yes, honey."
"Really? What are you doing?" She's concerned, but is she suspicious?
"Yes, I'm brushing." I can tell she wants to pursue this topic so I quickly change topics. Sometimes I get so…angry at her so I hit her where it hurts. "Did you know Dave finally asked Jade out?" Silence. "I'm really glad those two nookstains scraped out what was left of their sense and made it happen. Twas getting annoying." I force a chuckle.
Turns out she's got a forced laugh too, "Yeah, yeah, I heard."
I feel tears come, "…are you and Jade close? Like, friends?"
"I feel like we are."
Crimson rivers are rolling down my face now, "Are-are you still seeing Dave?" I know. I really need to hear her say it.
There's nothing but silence on the other side of that door.
"Why?!" It comes out like a choked sob, "What have I-how can I-why would you-" I hate that I can't get it out, can't outright accuse her. Even now when she hurt me so much, I can't even try, I can't even begin.
"I'm-I'm not seeing Dave." She says it slowly like she's deciding whether or not to even say it.
There's a buzzing in my ear and a tightness in my chest. My face is red and everything's hot. A stinging behind my ears and the tears are streaming. I can't stop shaking. I'm choking and I fling open the door.
"DON'T LIE!" The door hits the wall with a loud bang, she's surprised to say the least. I'm surprised to see I don't care. "I know you're lying, why are you lying?! WHY ARE YOU EVEN DOING THS TO ME?!" I take a step forward and she takes a step back. Before I know it I'm rushing her and she's scrambling back, "Why?! WHY?! WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY?!" My throat is on fucking fire and she's cowering, crying. It seems like a big trick, "JUST!...just," I deteorate quickly and I'm not angry anymore. I'm just sad, beyond disappointed. My hands fall limply to my sides, "Why Terezi?" I can't get my voice above a whisper, "Why are you doing this to me?"
If I had her nose, what would I smell? Sadness? Guilt? Emptiness? Or does she not care anymore?
No, she cares. Just not enough. And not more than Dave.
She's just sitting on the bed, I backed her into. Every part of her is slumped. I see she's thrown my too large shirt over her naked form and that makes me feel worse. But she's not begging and she's not promising and she's not lying and that makes me feel better. If only a little.
She's just crying, silently. Finally she speaks, "I can't-I just-" Behind those red glasses that I used to love, her eyes are blind but begging, begging me to understand that "It's Dave." Yeah, it's always been Dave.
"…that's just not good enough, Terezi." And I take a step back. I can't get too close to her right now.
The room is filled with silence except the sound of Terezi sniffling (I have no tears left). I don't know what to do right now. I watch her silently get up and pull her pants on. She grabs her bag and leaves, never once looking at me. I hear her slowly go down the stairs and the front door opens and closes.
I'm alone.
I know where she's going and maybe it's for the best. I can't go so maybe it's better she leave.
I don't know if I'll ever see her again and maybe that's for the best too.
AN: I'm not fond of Dave Strider, no sir. I ship Karezi, but their relationship could be anything and I love it. I'm thinking of making sequels so tell me if you liked it.