Disclaimer: Degrassi isn't mine. Thanks for reminding me.

I know what you're all thinking, "Oh god, she's starting a new story." This is different than anything I've ever written. I assure you, there will be eclare. Somewhere. But this chapter is all Eli's past- Julia and, yes! I brought my OC, Jace, back! Because I like him, and I like the idea that he'd be Julia's older brother. Italics are the past, the night Julia died. Everything else is the kinda-sorta present. Hospital. 'Kay? 'Kay.

This was inspired by Don't Wear Me Out by Oceanship. Yes, the band that sings Hotblack. Their entire album is amazing. Have a listen. At some point the lyrics will make sense. Hopefully.

All the fear and dust it covers
Grab your hats and take your lovers inside

All the fog and rain it ruins
Take your laughs and take your doings inside

Though all the nation's chiefs divided
I can feel the rays still shining
I can feel the rainbows coming in

So don't wear me out
Don't leave me here
'Cause I'm not giving up
So I'm giving in

All my life it seems is bottled angst, unbottled angst, and bottled angst

Through my life it seems I'm throttling, unthrottling, and throttling

Through the days and weeks of fighting
I can see the rays still shining
And I feel the rainbows coming in

So don't wear me out
Don't leave me here
'Cause I'm not giving up
So I'm giving in

Don't Wear Me Out - Oceanship

+ Don't Wear Me Out +

"When I was nine there was this kid, Mike. His hobby was beating me up. No matter how fast I ran, he was always faster."

An unfamiliar ceiling lay above me, the pasty white sickening me, the fluorescent lights dizzying me. My vision swam and the light above my head spun like her bike tires as she rode away from me, into the night. The ceiling turned red like the blood that covered her body on impact, enveloping me, drowning me, and pulling me away from the light and into blackness- an endless nightmare.

"Eli..." Her hand on my shoulder made me cringe and I jerked it away from her grasp. I couldn't even look at her. "Eli, talk to me, please."

"There's nothing to talk about," I spat, kicking at a pebble I'd stepped on.

I could feel the warmth from her hand as it laid upon my shoulder again and I found it hard to move away from it this time. She was so warm, so beautiful, so perfect. She was everything I'd ever wanted and more. I wanted to forgive her, to smile like I had not three hours ago, when we had our aquarium trip for our 5 month anniversary- we'd barely been together half a year and I was so in love- until he came in during our dinner, with this disgusting smug look on his face. That smirk, directed at me, sickened me. I had felt my stomach lurch and her soft hand in mine soothed me into calmness. But she couldn't look at me.

"Julia?"

"Hey babe, we still on for tonight?"

I wrenched my hand from hers and stood up. She followed suit and I made my way out of the small restaurant. "Eli, I-"

I whirled around, eyes furious. "You've been cheating on me, Julia?" I all but growled, baring my teeth. "With him, of all people? Mike?"

"I-"

"You know our history, Julia," my voice was quieter now, but still bleeding with boiling anger. "You know he's been my bully, my tormentor these past seven years, how could you-"

Tears were flowing freely from her eyes and I felt sympathy for a moment, until I heard the jingle of the restaurant door opening and out walked none other than Michael fucking Long, smug expression painted on his face like he was born with it- in fact he probably was, but that paint will wear off one day, don't you worry. His shoulder barely brushed mine as he passed me, hands nestled into the pockets of his torn jeans. His football jacket- number 23, forever my least favorite number- was the last thing I saw as he disappeared into the dark.

"Mike?" I said again, in disbelief. She sobbed, hands covering her face.

Her hand was on my shoulder, searing my skin, burning through me and leaving an impression that I knew right then I'd never be able to wash off. A handprint, invisible to anyone but me, would be left and I would always feel the burn of my first love.

"Eli...please."

I backed away, enraged. "I don't want to ever see you again, Julia," I said, voice a whisper that barely I could even hear. But she heard, loud and clear. And as she walked past me to grab her bike- locked with the others- I swear everything moved in slow motion. The tears falling from her eyes, her footsteps across the concrete, it was all slow, seen in excruciating detail that I saw stars. I turned away as she passed me again, this time on her bike.

"Goodbye, Eli," I think I heard, and she was gone, out of my life for good, in the direction that Mike had gone.

I waited until I couldn't see her anymore, and then began walking home in the opposite direction.

Every time my eyes opened, I was blind. Everything was black. Except for Julia. Her face was there when I awakened. She was there, haunting me, sitting next to me, whispering to me. You killed me, Elijah.

"No I didn't," I'd say, to the now empty room, her presense just a cool air engulfing me back into the welcomed darkness. If it was dark, I couldn't see the blood. If it was dark I could will her away. Never have to see her dark red lipstick and black hair, perfectly straight, smooth locks. If I didn't see them I wouldn't feel the urge to touch them, to feel the silk I loved so much.

Something warm trailed down my cheek and I blinked, realizing I was crying.

Jace found me the morning after I'd gotten the call from her mother about her passing. She'd said to me how she wished I'd walked her home, to make sure she was safe- I didn't have the heart to tell her that her perfect daughter in her eyes had cheated on me, on multiple counts. Instead I'd only hung up and grabbed my mothers pill bottles- the ones she'd left behind when she killed herself two years before- and popped them three at a time, from each bottle. The third round my throat was sore and I almost choked them back up, but I forced them down. My vision went first- I was swimming, surrounded by fish, only to be pulled up and choked by the atmosphere in the night sky- and then my body weakened and I collapsed on my bathroom floor.

I could barely recognize the voice running through my head, floating in my brain, or the hands lifting me into strong arms. I was flying. "Eli," the voice said, worry dripping, "you're gonna be okay."

And that was the last I remember.

"Can you hear me?"

I opened my eyes and there was a flash of electric blue and the shimmer of an eyebrow piercing. Jace.

I hadn't realized I'd spoken his name until he spoke, "I'm here, kid."

"Where-"

"You're in the hospital," he said, exasperated. "You tried to kill yourself."

I couldn't breathe. I tried to kill myself... I tried to take the same escape as my mother- the mother that left me with my drunk, abusive father- and take the easy way out. I tried to kill myself. Over what?

Julia...

Again, I didn't realize I spoke aloud.

"Eli," he sighed. "I'm sorry she-"

"It's my fault," I said, cutting him off, "it's all my fault..."

Rough hands grabbed my shoulders and lightly shook me. "It's not your fault, Eli, she-"

I sat up ignoring the pain in my stomach and the IV in my hand. "It is my fault," I said sternly, completely true. "I told her I never wanted to see her again, Jace. Everything is my fault."

He backed up and sat himself back in the chair, letting out a long breath for the both of us, because I was pretty sure I still wasn't breathing. He took my information in, one breath at a time and I waited for the reprimand, for the third degree he was sure to give me. But all I got was a simple, quiet, "Why?"

And all in one breath I told him everything- how perfect our night was, how Mike ruined it, and how we broke each other's hearts simultaneously and she rode off by herself...and how I'd just let her. Tears fell from my eyes, stained my face, and left small specks on the plain white sheet covering my half-naked body. I gripped those same sheets tightly, not even bothering to hold back the pain I felt. It was washing away, bleeding onto the scratchy, uncomfortable, thin sheets and staining them the color of her blood.

Warm arms wrapped around me and my blood red tears became clear again, the sheets as white as ever. "It's not your fault, Eli," he whispered, tightening his hold. "It's not your fault." And when I felt a warmth on my shoulder...I realized he was crying too.

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