My first humor story! Perhaps future chapters will be posted if people like
it. Beware of sudden attacks of OOC and random author inserts.
"Whose Triforce is it anyways?"
*camera opens up on Rauru and music starts up. Rauru is standing in an applauding audience with a microphone in his… sleeve*
Rauru: Welcome to Whose Triforce is it anyways! Tonight's performers are… the hero of time, Link! The hero of boredom, Princess Zelda! The hero of annoying, selfish, stuck-up, procrastinating, bitchy…
Ruto: We get the point Rauru!
Rauru: Yes… anyways, and finally the hero of well… darkness? Gannondorf!
Link, Zelda, and Ruto: GANNONDORF?
Ganon: I've been sitting next to the Princess now for the last half going over the rules and you just notice?
Zelda: uh… well… *starts scooting closer to Link*
Ganon: and they say Hylian blonds are supposed to be smarter…
*drums to finish the joke play out of nowhere and laughter is heard, but the camera is still on Rauru and the audience and no one is laughing*
Rauru: Would you all stop interrupting me up there! Anyways, I'm your host, the hero of Whose Triforce is it anyways, Rauru. Come on down… and for the goddesses' sake lets get this over with!
*camera goes down to the 4 performers. Link is trying to strangle Gannondorf and Ruto and Zelda are cheering him on*
Rauru: Darunia! Get out here and separate them now!!
Darunia: *runs out with a Jerry Springer security shirt on* Comin'!!!!
*Darunia pulls Link off of Gannondorf and sets him down in the chair, then gets a chair and sits between the two of them, crosses his arms*
Link: Grrrrr…
Ganon: Grrr…
Zelda & Ruto: aww…
Rauru: Stop it! All of you! Now for all you first time watchers, I say a game, and they make up everything on the spot. Simple as that. Now of course we aren't getting paid, but our *ahem* favorite author in the world has guaranteed our livelihood in her book, Phantoms of Echoes so that's payment enough.
Ruto: Oh yeah, I guess that's why….
Mystic: *jumps in and covers her mouth, glaring at her* One word and I replace that person with you. Then I replace you in this story too…
Ruto: *nods sadly*
Mystic: *jumps out, waving at the scowling audience before leaving*
Rauru: Are we ever going to start this?! Now then, its time for our first game! It's called "The dating show". Gannondorf, you're going to be an available bachelor, and Link, Zelda, and Ruto are going to be young girls vying for his attention. But the catch is, each of them has a weird identity on a card. It's Gannondorf's job to guess their identities at the end of the game.
Zelda: But I don't even want to pretend to like Gannondorf…
Ruto: Me neither...
Link: Me neither… wait a minute, I'm not a young girl! And I'm sure as hell not going to pretend to be one!
Ruto: Oh come on Link, you don't have to be a young girl, you're gay anyways.
Link: I am NOT gay!
Ruto: You refused the love of not one, but TWO princesses, a ranch maiden, a 10-year-old girl that would do ANYTHING for you, a woman who likes little boys, and even more. Do I have to go on? You're gay!
Zelda: She has a good point Link…
Link: ……….
Rauru: Get on the damn chairs and play your stupid parts! I don't have time to deal 3 winy babies and the most evil man in Hyrule history!
Ganon: Then why are you here?
Rauru: Err… *beeps his buzzer a couple of times and they all go down to the stools* Now start! *buzzes again*
Ganon: *starts acting like a prissy schoolboy* Uh… like… contestant number one?
Link: *opens his card, it reads: Nabooru* Yes o' wonderful leader…
Ganon: Leader huh? I like the sound of that!
Rauru: *buzz* Stay in character!
Ganon: Oh yeah *ahem* So like, if I wanted you, would you take me?
Link: *proudly speaks* not unless you're a little boy that I can take advantage of easily!
Everyone else: *gasp*
Link: *looks around* What? I'm just in character!
Rauru: *buzz* Unless you're supposed to be acting like yourself, act more in character! *buzz* continue on!
Ganon: *shuddering* Okay, like, contestant number two?
Ruto: *opens her card, it reads: your fat, lazy father. She looks around* Okay who wrote the damn cards!?
Rauru: *buzz* Can't we have one minute of continuous improvisation here?
Ruto: Sorry, Rauru! *tries to get in character, still mad* Why hello there, little bachelorette!
Ganon: hmm… same question!
Ruto: *starts slowly moving across the stool. After 2 minutes of moving, she stops and sighs* Um well, I believe I would have to be on bottom, seeing as your fragile body could not withstand me or my humongous di…
Ganon: Oh my! Say no more, little bachelor *mumbling* damn I hate that buzzer…
Ruto: *shaking and whispering to herself* please forgive me daddy…
Ganon: *hears Ruto and chuckles* little bachelorette number 3!
Zelda: *opens the card, it reads: Masochist, sighs* If I must… *narrows her eyes, suddenly looking VERY mean* What is it, healthy looking thing?
Ganon: um… yeah. If you could go out with one person who would it be, Link or Mystic's boyfriend?
Zelda: Neither one would last a night with me and if they did they would be pretty beat in the morning!
Ganon: *eyes widen* um… right…
Rauru: *buzz* Okay Gannondorf, can you guess their identities?
Ganon: Hey, the guys on Whose Line is it Anyways get 2 rounds through!
Rauru: No second round, we don't have the time since you guys can't stay in character!
All 4: *sweat drop*
Rauru: Okay, Ganon, who are they?
Ganon: Well… contestant number one is Link, the hero of gayness
Link: WHAT??? I don't act like that and I'm not gay!
Rauru: Close enough… but just to get it right… she's your second-in-command at the Gerudo Desert.
Ganon: oh right! That little bitchy wench!
Nabooru: *stands up in the audience* WHAT WAS THAT??? Link acted nothing like me!!!
Rauru: Come on… this is only supposed to fill a 25 minute time slot on the Fox network, so sit down Nabooru! Now Ganon, who's number two?
Ganon: King Zora, no problem… although I don't know how Ruto would know how big her father's di…
Rauru: *buzz* we get the point, Ganon, and number 3?
Ganon: Zelda is… um… a prostitute?
Ruto: No, that's her real life identity!
Zelda: Bitch!
Ruto: Cross-dresser!
Zelda: stuck-up!
Ruto: you're the same way!
Zelda: Whore!
Ruto: Princess of the prostitutes!
Rauru: THAT'S ENOUGH! Now then, Ganon, she likes to inflict pain in others.
Ganon: me?
Rauru: she derives pleasure from pain.
Ganon: again, me?
Rauru: a masochist! It's a masochist! Don't they teach you anything in the desert?
Ganon: actually, all I ever learned was black magic and how to steal….
Rauru: *buzz buzz buzz buzz* Okay back to your seats, next game up!
Link: What about our points?
Rauru: the point system is too stupid and you all ARE too stupid to actually win points anyways! Plus they don't even matter!
All 4: Oh yeah…
Rauru: Our next game is World's worst. I'll give you a subject and you tell me the world's worst about it. Is that too hard? *they all shake their heads* and maybe you'll stay in character too… oh wait there are no characters in this one! Perfect!
*everyone lines up above the stair and awaits their first subject*
Rauru: World's worst battle cries
Ganon: I'm Link, the hero of gayness!!!
*audience starts laughing*
Link: Hey!!!
Zelda: I will do you all to hell with my great big sword!
Ruto: The feeling is coming back!
Rauru: what?
Ruto: I heard it on Dead or Alive 2, okay?
Rauru: Okay, World's worst TV shows
*all four step off and point to the huge sign above the chairs that says "Whose Triforce is it anyways?", everyone bursts out laughing*
Link: We have interrupted your daily show for a 10 hours speech given by Princess Zelda at her castle!
Zelda: grrrrr… Now presenting, The legend of Zelda: Majora's mask the TV show!
All: NOOOOOO!! Anything but that!!!!!
*everyone laughs again*
Link: it wasn't THAT bad!
All except Link: yes it was!
Ruto: Skullkid's ocarina playing hour!
Rauru: World's worst dates!
Link: *steps down and the audience bursts out laughing before he can even say anything, steps back up with his head lowered*
Zelda: Gannondorf!
Ganon: Zelda!
Ruto: Both of them!
Zelda and Ganon: Ruto!
All 4: Rauru!!
Rauru: okay… that's enough of that! World's worst pairings with Link.
Zelda: Saria!
Link: Hey! That's my best friend you're talking about!
Ruto: me again! I don't want to end up with a homo!
Link: I'm NOT gay!
Ganon: me againfor all for you sick authors!
Link: Ruto and Zelda!
Zelda: Malon!
Link: Hey… she is pretty cute!
Malon: *stands up in audience* yeah! I have a chance! *sits back down*
Rauru: that was interesting… okay World's worst… Zelda games?
Ganon: The legend of Zelda: Link's sexuality quest!
Link: I'M NOT GAY!!!
Ruto: The Legend of Zelda: Zelda's cross dressing adventure!
Zelda: I thought everyone liked Sheik, you whore!
Link: only in Super Smash Bros. Melee!
Ruto: Princess of the bitches!
Zelda: Princess of the whores!
Ruto: homo liker!
Zelda: hey! You liked him too!
Ruto: Hylian bitch!
Zelda: Zora whore!
Rauru: Either come up with some better insults or shut up!
*both of them step back in silence*
Ganon: The second Zelda title for the Nintendo
Link: how could they put me in a side-scrolling game anyways?
Zelda: The Legend of Zelda: Insert Gamecube title here!
Link: they make me look like a cartoon! I want my Super Smash Bros. Melee body back!
All 4: The Legend of Zelda: Majora's mask!
Rauru: *buzz buzz buzz buzz* Okay nice job, now go sit down!
*they all take a seat, laughing their heads off*
Rauru: Next game will be… a Hoedown!
*audience goes ecstatic as each of them line up again*
Rauru: Okay, I'm afraid to ask this, but any suggestions audience?
Girl: Link's sexual preference!
Boy: Reasons not to date Zelda!
Nabooru: Why Ganon and Link should both die!
Malon: Who should date link!
Rauru: That sounds good, your subject is who should date Link! Go ahead with the music… take it away Skullkid!
Ruto: Like I really think I should be dating Link
It's not cuz his hair is greasy like a skating rink!
No, I could never date Link right today
Kay, because we all know that Link is gay!
*audience claps and laughs*
Zelda: I wanted to date Link since I was 10 years old
Sitting by quest after quest he was looking so bold
….I know I can't because of what Ruto does say
Ah… Link is now and forever will be gay!
*audience claps and laughs harder*
Link: I will never date a princess, they are so stuck up
Every time I think of one I want to really up chuck
There is one girl I want to date, who's as gentle as a fawn
She's cute and nice and sings, her name is Malon!
*Malon is the only one cheering*
Link: and I'm NOT gay!!!
Ganon: Hmm… Saying Link is gay is really cool
Oh, but all I want to do is conquer Hyrule
My plans won't start until the beginning of may
Oh, I'll just end by saying Link is gay!
All except Link: *still singing* Link… is… gay!
*audience is roaring in laughter*
Rauru: *near tears, he's laughing so hard* Okay, that was great! Well that's all the time we have for this episode of "Whose Triforce is it anyways?"! There is no winner and no credits anyways! Good night everybody!
Mystic: So.. what do you guys think?
Impa: Why wasn't I in it?
Mystic: because you're emotionless and boring!
Impa: oh…
Elly: I thought it was cute!
Cloud: who cares…?
Mystic: so can you guys edit it before we send it to fox?
Impa: we already did… couldn't you tell?
Mystic: Hehe… well you didn't edit one thing out!
Cloud: what's that?
Mystic: Read the first letters of Ruto's, Zelda's, and Ganon's hoedowns and see what it spells!
Impa: You realize Link really isn't gay, in fact in your book he gets together with…
Mystic: *covers her mouth* would you people NOT spoil it! And yes I know…
Link: *pops back in crying* then why'd you put it!
Cloud: !@#$%%, you wussy! Can't you say something better!?
Elly: Where'd that come from…?
Cloud: Bent up tension from Cid…
Link: answer me!
Mystic: Never question an author!
(P.S.. Cloud (from FF7) and Elly (from Xenogears, yeah I'm a traitor to Nintendo.. I'm a squaresoft fan) are really friends of mine, who like me, don't want their REAL name online! R&R please!)
"Whose Triforce is it anyways?"
*camera opens up on Rauru and music starts up. Rauru is standing in an applauding audience with a microphone in his… sleeve*
Rauru: Welcome to Whose Triforce is it anyways! Tonight's performers are… the hero of time, Link! The hero of boredom, Princess Zelda! The hero of annoying, selfish, stuck-up, procrastinating, bitchy…
Ruto: We get the point Rauru!
Rauru: Yes… anyways, and finally the hero of well… darkness? Gannondorf!
Link, Zelda, and Ruto: GANNONDORF?
Ganon: I've been sitting next to the Princess now for the last half going over the rules and you just notice?
Zelda: uh… well… *starts scooting closer to Link*
Ganon: and they say Hylian blonds are supposed to be smarter…
*drums to finish the joke play out of nowhere and laughter is heard, but the camera is still on Rauru and the audience and no one is laughing*
Rauru: Would you all stop interrupting me up there! Anyways, I'm your host, the hero of Whose Triforce is it anyways, Rauru. Come on down… and for the goddesses' sake lets get this over with!
*camera goes down to the 4 performers. Link is trying to strangle Gannondorf and Ruto and Zelda are cheering him on*
Rauru: Darunia! Get out here and separate them now!!
Darunia: *runs out with a Jerry Springer security shirt on* Comin'!!!!
*Darunia pulls Link off of Gannondorf and sets him down in the chair, then gets a chair and sits between the two of them, crosses his arms*
Link: Grrrrr…
Ganon: Grrr…
Zelda & Ruto: aww…
Rauru: Stop it! All of you! Now for all you first time watchers, I say a game, and they make up everything on the spot. Simple as that. Now of course we aren't getting paid, but our *ahem* favorite author in the world has guaranteed our livelihood in her book, Phantoms of Echoes so that's payment enough.
Ruto: Oh yeah, I guess that's why….
Mystic: *jumps in and covers her mouth, glaring at her* One word and I replace that person with you. Then I replace you in this story too…
Ruto: *nods sadly*
Mystic: *jumps out, waving at the scowling audience before leaving*
Rauru: Are we ever going to start this?! Now then, its time for our first game! It's called "The dating show". Gannondorf, you're going to be an available bachelor, and Link, Zelda, and Ruto are going to be young girls vying for his attention. But the catch is, each of them has a weird identity on a card. It's Gannondorf's job to guess their identities at the end of the game.
Zelda: But I don't even want to pretend to like Gannondorf…
Ruto: Me neither...
Link: Me neither… wait a minute, I'm not a young girl! And I'm sure as hell not going to pretend to be one!
Ruto: Oh come on Link, you don't have to be a young girl, you're gay anyways.
Link: I am NOT gay!
Ruto: You refused the love of not one, but TWO princesses, a ranch maiden, a 10-year-old girl that would do ANYTHING for you, a woman who likes little boys, and even more. Do I have to go on? You're gay!
Zelda: She has a good point Link…
Link: ……….
Rauru: Get on the damn chairs and play your stupid parts! I don't have time to deal 3 winy babies and the most evil man in Hyrule history!
Ganon: Then why are you here?
Rauru: Err… *beeps his buzzer a couple of times and they all go down to the stools* Now start! *buzzes again*
Ganon: *starts acting like a prissy schoolboy* Uh… like… contestant number one?
Link: *opens his card, it reads: Nabooru* Yes o' wonderful leader…
Ganon: Leader huh? I like the sound of that!
Rauru: *buzz* Stay in character!
Ganon: Oh yeah *ahem* So like, if I wanted you, would you take me?
Link: *proudly speaks* not unless you're a little boy that I can take advantage of easily!
Everyone else: *gasp*
Link: *looks around* What? I'm just in character!
Rauru: *buzz* Unless you're supposed to be acting like yourself, act more in character! *buzz* continue on!
Ganon: *shuddering* Okay, like, contestant number two?
Ruto: *opens her card, it reads: your fat, lazy father. She looks around* Okay who wrote the damn cards!?
Rauru: *buzz* Can't we have one minute of continuous improvisation here?
Ruto: Sorry, Rauru! *tries to get in character, still mad* Why hello there, little bachelorette!
Ganon: hmm… same question!
Ruto: *starts slowly moving across the stool. After 2 minutes of moving, she stops and sighs* Um well, I believe I would have to be on bottom, seeing as your fragile body could not withstand me or my humongous di…
Ganon: Oh my! Say no more, little bachelor *mumbling* damn I hate that buzzer…
Ruto: *shaking and whispering to herself* please forgive me daddy…
Ganon: *hears Ruto and chuckles* little bachelorette number 3!
Zelda: *opens the card, it reads: Masochist, sighs* If I must… *narrows her eyes, suddenly looking VERY mean* What is it, healthy looking thing?
Ganon: um… yeah. If you could go out with one person who would it be, Link or Mystic's boyfriend?
Zelda: Neither one would last a night with me and if they did they would be pretty beat in the morning!
Ganon: *eyes widen* um… right…
Rauru: *buzz* Okay Gannondorf, can you guess their identities?
Ganon: Hey, the guys on Whose Line is it Anyways get 2 rounds through!
Rauru: No second round, we don't have the time since you guys can't stay in character!
All 4: *sweat drop*
Rauru: Okay, Ganon, who are they?
Ganon: Well… contestant number one is Link, the hero of gayness
Link: WHAT??? I don't act like that and I'm not gay!
Rauru: Close enough… but just to get it right… she's your second-in-command at the Gerudo Desert.
Ganon: oh right! That little bitchy wench!
Nabooru: *stands up in the audience* WHAT WAS THAT??? Link acted nothing like me!!!
Rauru: Come on… this is only supposed to fill a 25 minute time slot on the Fox network, so sit down Nabooru! Now Ganon, who's number two?
Ganon: King Zora, no problem… although I don't know how Ruto would know how big her father's di…
Rauru: *buzz* we get the point, Ganon, and number 3?
Ganon: Zelda is… um… a prostitute?
Ruto: No, that's her real life identity!
Zelda: Bitch!
Ruto: Cross-dresser!
Zelda: stuck-up!
Ruto: you're the same way!
Zelda: Whore!
Ruto: Princess of the prostitutes!
Rauru: THAT'S ENOUGH! Now then, Ganon, she likes to inflict pain in others.
Ganon: me?
Rauru: she derives pleasure from pain.
Ganon: again, me?
Rauru: a masochist! It's a masochist! Don't they teach you anything in the desert?
Ganon: actually, all I ever learned was black magic and how to steal….
Rauru: *buzz buzz buzz buzz* Okay back to your seats, next game up!
Link: What about our points?
Rauru: the point system is too stupid and you all ARE too stupid to actually win points anyways! Plus they don't even matter!
All 4: Oh yeah…
Rauru: Our next game is World's worst. I'll give you a subject and you tell me the world's worst about it. Is that too hard? *they all shake their heads* and maybe you'll stay in character too… oh wait there are no characters in this one! Perfect!
*everyone lines up above the stair and awaits their first subject*
Rauru: World's worst battle cries
Ganon: I'm Link, the hero of gayness!!!
*audience starts laughing*
Link: Hey!!!
Zelda: I will do you all to hell with my great big sword!
Ruto: The feeling is coming back!
Rauru: what?
Ruto: I heard it on Dead or Alive 2, okay?
Rauru: Okay, World's worst TV shows
*all four step off and point to the huge sign above the chairs that says "Whose Triforce is it anyways?", everyone bursts out laughing*
Link: We have interrupted your daily show for a 10 hours speech given by Princess Zelda at her castle!
Zelda: grrrrr… Now presenting, The legend of Zelda: Majora's mask the TV show!
All: NOOOOOO!! Anything but that!!!!!
*everyone laughs again*
Link: it wasn't THAT bad!
All except Link: yes it was!
Ruto: Skullkid's ocarina playing hour!
Rauru: World's worst dates!
Link: *steps down and the audience bursts out laughing before he can even say anything, steps back up with his head lowered*
Zelda: Gannondorf!
Ganon: Zelda!
Ruto: Both of them!
Zelda and Ganon: Ruto!
All 4: Rauru!!
Rauru: okay… that's enough of that! World's worst pairings with Link.
Zelda: Saria!
Link: Hey! That's my best friend you're talking about!
Ruto: me again! I don't want to end up with a homo!
Link: I'm NOT gay!
Ganon: me againfor all for you sick authors!
Link: Ruto and Zelda!
Zelda: Malon!
Link: Hey… she is pretty cute!
Malon: *stands up in audience* yeah! I have a chance! *sits back down*
Rauru: that was interesting… okay World's worst… Zelda games?
Ganon: The legend of Zelda: Link's sexuality quest!
Link: I'M NOT GAY!!!
Ruto: The Legend of Zelda: Zelda's cross dressing adventure!
Zelda: I thought everyone liked Sheik, you whore!
Link: only in Super Smash Bros. Melee!
Ruto: Princess of the bitches!
Zelda: Princess of the whores!
Ruto: homo liker!
Zelda: hey! You liked him too!
Ruto: Hylian bitch!
Zelda: Zora whore!
Rauru: Either come up with some better insults or shut up!
*both of them step back in silence*
Ganon: The second Zelda title for the Nintendo
Link: how could they put me in a side-scrolling game anyways?
Zelda: The Legend of Zelda: Insert Gamecube title here!
Link: they make me look like a cartoon! I want my Super Smash Bros. Melee body back!
All 4: The Legend of Zelda: Majora's mask!
Rauru: *buzz buzz buzz buzz* Okay nice job, now go sit down!
*they all take a seat, laughing their heads off*
Rauru: Next game will be… a Hoedown!
*audience goes ecstatic as each of them line up again*
Rauru: Okay, I'm afraid to ask this, but any suggestions audience?
Girl: Link's sexual preference!
Boy: Reasons not to date Zelda!
Nabooru: Why Ganon and Link should both die!
Malon: Who should date link!
Rauru: That sounds good, your subject is who should date Link! Go ahead with the music… take it away Skullkid!
Ruto: Like I really think I should be dating Link
It's not cuz his hair is greasy like a skating rink!
No, I could never date Link right today
Kay, because we all know that Link is gay!
*audience claps and laughs*
Zelda: I wanted to date Link since I was 10 years old
Sitting by quest after quest he was looking so bold
….I know I can't because of what Ruto does say
Ah… Link is now and forever will be gay!
*audience claps and laughs harder*
Link: I will never date a princess, they are so stuck up
Every time I think of one I want to really up chuck
There is one girl I want to date, who's as gentle as a fawn
She's cute and nice and sings, her name is Malon!
*Malon is the only one cheering*
Link: and I'm NOT gay!!!
Ganon: Hmm… Saying Link is gay is really cool
Oh, but all I want to do is conquer Hyrule
My plans won't start until the beginning of may
Oh, I'll just end by saying Link is gay!
All except Link: *still singing* Link… is… gay!
*audience is roaring in laughter*
Rauru: *near tears, he's laughing so hard* Okay, that was great! Well that's all the time we have for this episode of "Whose Triforce is it anyways?"! There is no winner and no credits anyways! Good night everybody!
Mystic: So.. what do you guys think?
Impa: Why wasn't I in it?
Mystic: because you're emotionless and boring!
Impa: oh…
Elly: I thought it was cute!
Cloud: who cares…?
Mystic: so can you guys edit it before we send it to fox?
Impa: we already did… couldn't you tell?
Mystic: Hehe… well you didn't edit one thing out!
Cloud: what's that?
Mystic: Read the first letters of Ruto's, Zelda's, and Ganon's hoedowns and see what it spells!
Impa: You realize Link really isn't gay, in fact in your book he gets together with…
Mystic: *covers her mouth* would you people NOT spoil it! And yes I know…
Link: *pops back in crying* then why'd you put it!
Cloud: !@#$%%, you wussy! Can't you say something better!?
Elly: Where'd that come from…?
Cloud: Bent up tension from Cid…
Link: answer me!
Mystic: Never question an author!
(P.S.. Cloud (from FF7) and Elly (from Xenogears, yeah I'm a traitor to Nintendo.. I'm a squaresoft fan) are really friends of mine, who like me, don't want their REAL name online! R&R please!)