I fumble with the clasps on my chestplate, trying to slip it on over my tunic. I realize I'm trying to stick my head through the arm hole. It's too early in the morning for this– I haven't gotten enough sleep. I should be sleeping; I need my energy for my daily training, but of course Thunder God Eze chose yesterday of all the stupid days to get himself eaten and spit up by a Granomos. Now he smells like a clogged toilet, and looks like... well, like he just got eaten by something. Obviously he can't go on a PR mission in this state, which is what he was going to be assigned today. So now they're sending me instead. My assignment is to meet with a mysterious team of heroines calling themselves the Battle Maidens, and conduct an interview for the Summoners' Guild.
Eze is lying on the couch with no shirt on, conveniently-located battle scars in full view. Yes, I know the smell of Granomos guts is impossible to get out of clothes, but c'mon, it's not like Emilia is gonna walk in here– and if she did, I don't think she's gonna be very impressed.
"I just wanna thank you again for this, Vargs. This is a pretty critical deal– I've heard about these Battle Maidens, and they're supposed to be super, super-powerful. We definitely wanna get to know them," Eze remarks to me. It's incredible, really, how he still has that unmistakable manic gleam in his eyes, even when he's been through the wringer like this.
"Of course. You're my best friend, after all."
"Come over here. There's something I gotta give you." I do so. He immediately grabs my head and ruffles my hair.
"Hey!" Why do they always do that...
"Haha...! Seriously, though: here's the PR mission briefing," he says as he hands me a paper scroll. "This'll tell you what you need to do."
Before I leave, I grab Dandelga and strap its sheath around my back. Eze flashes me one of his crazy smiles as I head out the door. I don't know why I'm doing this, but it's hard to resist Eze. He's like the brother I never had.
Grand Gaia is a land of innumerable different landscapes, and nowhere is this better displayed than in the Imperial Capital Randall. With four diverse districts surrounding the towering Summoners' Guild fortress in the center, Randall is a marvelous monstrosity of a city, so big that it's almost its own country. Fittingly so for the capital of all of Elgaia. It's a long walk from my house to the Northwest District. The Northwest District is the most advanced of the districts, home to many Atharvan scientists and engineers, and it's there that the headquarters of the Battle Maidens are located. I approach the huge glass skyscraper at the address listed on my mission briefing, and stare up at the dizzyingly high top, nearly stumbling backwards as I do so. Why would only six people need a building this big? I walk through the glass doors into the lobby.
A bit nervously, I approach the reception desk, behind which a pale-blue-haired woman in a black dress is stationed.
"Um, excuse me? I'm here to see Maiden Vanila. I have an appointment scheduled. For an interview. For the Summoners' Guild."
"Pardon me, but you don't look like Thunder God Eze... you're a lot smaller than we expected, that's for sure," she replies, sucking on the end of her pen.
"Oh, I'm Vargas, Fire King Vargas. I'm here in his place." I show her the mission briefing with Eze's name written on it.
"Very well then." She smiles at me, and hands me a name tag. "Elevator is that way. Vanila's office is on the top floor."
"Wait here, please. Maiden Vanila will be with you in a moment."
I take a seat in one of the waiting room's chairs as instructed. I unroll the mission briefing and read through the questions for the first time. Okay... so apparently Vanila is also the head of a military technology design group that runs as a partner with the Battle Maidens. So that's why they have such a huge building. But the briefing doesn't say anything about Vanila herself. Now I'm starting to feel even more nervous. Eze... you did it again.
After a few minutes, the lady from before returns. Or was it someone else? She has the same bluish hair, same blue rose hairpin, same black dress... I know certain units are prone to surrounding themselves with impersonators, but those units are rarely pleasant people.
"Maiden Vanila will see you now."
I stand up, and walk to another grand door. Maybe because of nerves, or maybe because I expect the door to be incredibly heavy and open with a creeaaak, I shove the door as hard as I can, pushing off with my legs. It flies open with little resistance, and I pitch forward, fly several feet into the office, and slam face-first into the floor. I feel a burning in my cheeks, and a stabbing pain in my nose. What a first impression to make... I hear a laugh from close by, but the next thing I know, someone is helping me off the floor.
"Eze, is it?" she asks. "I hope you're all right... I'm Maiden Vanila."
Vanila. I find myself staring at her for some reason. She's clearly an adult woman– maybe ten years older than me– and possessed of an imposing beauty. She's dressed in a tight-fitting white uniform with gold trim, with creamy-looking straight-cut pink hair. Her blue eyes have an intense gleam to them. She's... frankly gorgeous.
"Oh, um, I'm not Eze. He's... not in good shape today, so he sent me instead."
"And you are...?"
"Fire King Vargas. I'm Eze's best friend."
"Okay then," she says with a faint smile.
I take a seat on a couch in the corner of the office. It's huge, almost as big as the conference room at the Summoner's Guild. The walls and ceiling are all white, smooth and polished to gleaming perfection with rounded corners. One wall has a wide computer screen built seamlessly into it. The back wall is a massive window, looking out over the city. Everything seems strikingly futuristic, and it matches its owner well.
"Your office is pretty cool, Miss Vanila."
"It's a design from my homeworld. I'm glad you're impressed."
"So, I have some questions for you." In preparation for the interview with this technological mastermind, I take out the briefing scroll and a quill pen. The shame is truly painful. I wonder if this ever happens to Eze... Vanila seems to notice, and she hands me a small device.
"Here, you can use this audio recorder. Press this button to start recording, and this one to stop," she explains.
"Thanks! Ok, so..." I take a deep breath, press the start button, and read the first question. "What has been the key to the success of you and your company?"
"I'm a good people person. I can understand people, I know what drives them, what lets them flourish or not, and how to motivate them. I believe that if you have a plan, you have to make sure you know everything that it will involve, down to the last screw. You have to put in every necessary effort, and make sure that everyone else does as well. That is something I have a particular talent for– coming up with good ideas and good people to execute them."
"You sound kinda power-hungry." That wasn't on the list, but I can't help it. She laughs a bit.
"Perhaps." Knew it. She maintains eye contact with me. I feel a bit uneasy, and my skin is burning again. "Control is where ultimate power comes from. And I design weapons– of course power is what we strive for."
"So you feel you have ultimate power?" I reassure myself that we're on the same side.
"When you have as many employees as I do, a lot of livelihoods are in your hands. I could destroy them all with one paper signature if I were a lesser woman."
She seemed so nice before!
"Seriously, are you a good guy or a bad guy?" I ask before I can catch myself. Vanila gives an amused smile. Maxwell in heaven, I must sound like such a little kid.
"Good guy or bad guy! That's just too adorable... We Battle Maidens are committed to fighting the gods for the good of all mankind. And since I am where I am, I make the most of it– I've always been a practical woman. In simple terms, yes, you would consider me a 'good guy'."
I decide to move on at this point. "Do you have any interests outside of work and combat, Miss Vanila?"
"Invention and experimentation is my favorite pastime. I like just seeing what I can put together sometimes... Of course, I don't spend all my time cooped up in the lab. I fly with my jetwings, I indulge in various physical pursuits..."
"What is your guiding philosophy?"
"So you don't know our slogan."
"No... Should I?"
"'We are the Battle Maidens. We create our own destiny.' That is why we fight the gods– nothing should dictate humans' destiny but themselves."
"Are you in love with Cyborg Lilith?"
Vanila suddenly looks rather taken aback at the final question, and I realize what has happened. Stupid me! And stupid Eze!
"No, Vargas, I am not."
"Sorry, sorry, it was just one of the questions..." I'm pretty sure my face matches my hair right now.
"You didn't write the questions?" she asks. She does not seem amused anymore.
"Erm, no, that was Eze's doing."
Vanila sighs. "So, is that all?"
"Yes," I say, turning off the recorder and putting it away. "Thanks a lot, Miss Vanila! I hope I didn't embarrass you with... you know..."
"Don't worry, I don't blame you. At least it's settled now."
As I get up and walk to the elevator, Vanila stops me.
"Yes?"
"Your nose is still bleeding."
"Whoops..." I must not have noticed... somehow. I wipe the blood away with my sleeve– thankfully it's already red. Vanila is smiling at me again. She really is incredibly beautiful, and she has such a warm smile... I don't think I've ever met anyone who confused me this much before. At least she finds me amusing, I guess.
"I'll probably see you again soon if the Summoners' Guild contacts me. So, until then... Vargas."
I enter the elevator, and the doors begin to close.
"Vanila," I reply in farewell.
Okay, I really, really hope I did this well... It took a long time to write, especially since I'm actually trying to take this concept and write a parody that can be taken seriously. Write a review if there are any comments you want to give me, and I will take note of them. And tell me if this is amusing to you! That's the main point of all this.
And don't worry, we'll get to the big Vargas X Vanila parts later. The challenge is high indeed...
(Fifty Shades of Grey and its concept is property of E. L. James. Brave Frontier characters and setting are property of Alim and Gumi.)