Ano hi no mitsuketa hakanai hikari
The fleeting light I found that day
Chapter 1 – Cold snow
It was cold.
I looked up to the sky and the snow kept on falling. Despite it being only November, there was already a great amount of snow lying on the ground, piling up on the trees, on the cars and also on the passing-by umbrellas that countless people were carrying to not get under the snow. As I remained seated on a bench and was observing people, I asked myself why they wouldn't want the snow to touch them. The snow was perfectly cold, which was a nice contrast to one's body's warmth and showed one was alive. It showed me that I was indeed alive, even though my heart felt as cold as ice. But even then, I was living. I, Keiji Akaashi, was alive, living my life, here on the cold streets of Tokyo. Left all alone.
I continued observing the people; there wasn't that much else to do while I was waiting to go and pick up my daily food portion at the voluntarily run store that provided food and drinks to people that couldn't afford it for themselves, homeless people, people like me.
There were a lot of different people walking around. It might have already been very cold and snowing heavily, but the streets of Tokyo were as lively as always, nonetheless. You could see the typical businessmen that were on their ways back home. You could see young people and teenagers walking around, having fun in the snow or carrying shopping bags from various shops, already the next destinations kept in mind and headed towards those directions. You could see mothers that were both, returning and on their way to do groceries shopping so that they could cook dinner for their loved ones at home.
I gazed skywards again and the snow didn't seem to stop anytime soon. I decided to stand up and started walking towards my destination. And while walking alongside all those people in the crowd, I felt somehow as if I was a part of them. As if there was no difference between the guy in front of me holding the hand of his girlfriend and me. As if I was the same as that child holding its mother's hand while eating some sweets. But my hands were in the pockets of my coat, I wasn't allowed to hold anyone's hand.
Slowly but steadily, I reached the store. As always, there was a big crowd of people already waiting in front of the entry but it still wasn't open. I decided to join the crowd, it made me feel like I was a part of them, even though I knew better. I already recognized some of the people; they were always the same ones that came here. But it's not like I could call them "acquaintances", or even "friends", they were just people that happened to be at the same time at the same place as me and that scene just kept on repeating itself, with neither side of the actors taking a single step to change something. But it was okay, that was how it worked in this world, that was what I grew accustomed to.
As soon as the store opened, the same procedure began as it always did. The people in the chaotic crowd lined up into a row, one behind the other and then slowly started entering the store. I joined the row and moved forward together with the rest. One step after another. When I entered, I felt the warmth from this place, it was a very nice feeling too, and it was a contrast to the cold street.
The store was owned by a couple and some employees. At least that was what I assumed, I never had any reason to ask them, but it seemed like that. The couple was always working in the front, distributing everything to people like us. The other employees were working in the kitchen, cooking the food. I was standing in front of them when one of them asked me if I'd prefer meat or fish.
"Fish please." I said silently.
"Alright then. Suga, one with fish please." he said.
"Got it Daichi. Oh wait, there's none here anymore. Heeeey, Asahiiii, we need more fish" said the other one and yelled to the back, into the kitchen.
"Almost done." a voice coming from the kitchen said.
"Sorry that you have to wait." the first guy said to me.
"It's okay." I whispered.
After some seconds and a little discussion about how the other two let me wait for that long he turned back to me.
"Here's your meal. Enjoy and thanks for coming!" he said as he bowed down.
"Thank you very much." I said as I bowed down. Sometimes, I didn't understand why he bowed down as well, but I guessed it was part of his personality. They all seemed like nice people. With the meal, I now headed outside again and slowly walked back to where I was sitting before.
As soon as I had arrived there, I took the meal out of the box, put it on my lap, thanked for the food like I had always done with my mother back in the days and then started eating. The first bite was already as delicious as ever; I really liked to go there and eat the food from there. It didn't only taste delicious, it somehow warmed my body as well. Every time I ate something from there, this cosy warmth filled my body; it was a nice feeling, even nicer when it was cold and snowing. As I kept on eating, I thought back to the daily meals I enjoyed with my mother, I really liked them, but I knew it was pointless to keep thinking about those days; they were gone and they wouldn't return.
"Thanks for the food." I said to myself as I put my hands together. I tossed the empty box into the trash bin and focused my eyes on the street again. It was already getting dark but the streets were still as busy as before. Suddenly, a person walked out of the crowd and stopped on the left side of the bench I was sitting on. And after an instant, he opened the violin case he was carrying and started playing a song.
I loved violins; I used to play it as well. His playing reminded me of myself, how I used to go out on the streets and play for joy; I played it to make the people hearing the music happy; I didn't do it for the money. I wanted to have my violin back, but my violin had to be sold, when we needed the money.
I continued listening to the man playing the violin. I didn't know the song he was playing, but one thing I knew. I really liked the song he was playing. One person after another stepped out of the crowd and stopped in front of the violinist to listen to the songs he was playing. And some of them threw some coins into the hat he had laid down on the ground in front of him. He continued playing for almost half an hour and then looked down to his hat. I guessed he was happy with the amount of money he earned on that evening because after that he lifted his hat, put away his violin and left.
Now it was only me and the silence again. I closed my eyes. There was no reason for it, I just felt like it. After some minutes, I heard a voice.
"'Scuse me, can I sit next to you on the bench?" he asked me with a smile.
"Sure." I said silently. It wasn't my property anyway, there was no reason to neglect his wish.
"Thanks!" and after that he sat down next to me. I hoped he didn't intend to talk to me so I closed the eyes again. It seemed that he only wanted to sit down. After a while, I opened my eyes again and squinted at him. He had his eyes closed too. The first thing my eyes caught attention of was his hair. He had white spiked hair with black strands, he wasn't wearing any hat. And then, well, he was wearing normal winter clothing. A long coat, a scarf, a pair of boots. I didn't really know why I was inspecting him, but I didn't have anything else to do.
He looked like a nice person, someone with lots of friends and people would like to be around him. He had the looks of a person that was never alone and that could get what he wanted. He was good-looking too, I felt somehow jealous comparing his life to my current one, although I didn't know if my imagined version of his world would correspond to his actual world. I kept looking at him lost in thoughts as he suddenly opened his eyes again and noticed my staring, whereupon I quickly turned my head back and avoided his eyes.
"It's really cold already, huh?" he seemed to want to have a talk.
"Yeah, it's snowing after all." I replied, still not looking at him.
"Right, I guess that's true, haha." he stopped for a moment. He pointed his head skywards, leaned back on the bench, opened his mouth and pulled out his tongue. What on earth was he doing? He was making some weird noises while moving around his tongue. After a while he noticed my confused expression.
"I am catching snowflakes with my tongue, you should try it too, it's a funny feeling when they melt on top of your tongue." he said. I still didn't want to try it.
"I'd rather not." I replied.
"Come on, life's too short to skip on precious experiences like this. Who knows when it'll snow again and if you can try it again?" and with that he continued his activity. "Life's too short…" huh? I admired him for being aware of that and still being such a positive person; I envied him. I knew all too well that life was short, but that was the very reason I stopped thinking positive. Sure, a lot of things had happened to me, but there was a part of me that didn't want to accept it, even though it was inevitable. One human's life is short and meaningless.
"Ahhh, that was cool. Nice experience!" the slightly odd guy said after some minutes. He truly was a very strange, yet interesting person. Suddenly, he exhaled some of his breath at once.
"Oh my, I can see my breath, it really is cold. And late. I guess it's time to head home already, don't you agree?" he said as he jumped up off the bench. What an energetic guy.
"Sure. Goodbye then." I said to him while leaning back on the bench.
"Don't you wanna get home too?" he asked curiously.
"I don't have a home." I had no reason to lie to him. He was a stranger I changed some words with, I wouldn't meet him again.
"Oh. I… understand." He looked down. A normal reaction which I was already used to. The next step would be that he slowly walked away without saying anything. I closed my eyes again, I wanted to stay on the bench for a while. But something, or rather someone thought otherwise.
"Here!" I opened my eyes and the guy who was supposed to be walking away silently stood in front of me with a big smile on his face, stretching out his hand in front of me, holding a 1000 yen bill.
"Huh?" was my reaction.
"For you! Take it and buy something warm from it, okay?"
"I can't just take money from strangers and-"
"Don't think too much about it. Take it as a thanks of mine for keeping me company, 'kay?" he pushed the bill into my hands and then quickly turned back and started walking away.
"'Kay, see yaaaa!" were his last words, before he disappeared into the crowd where he came from. He really is a very strange person, giving that much money to a stranger, let alone a homeless person. Of course, I was grateful to him, I just didn't expect him to do that kind of thing. I put the bill in the pocket of my coat and looked upwards. I was thinking if I should open my mouth and pull out my tongue.
"No." I said to myself. I had to giggle just thinking about me doing such a silly thing. I stood up and entered the crowd of people. I was heading to a convenience store, I wanted to buy a hot chocolate and maybe a little snack to eat from the money I was just given. And suddenly, something felt off.
It was the snow. It suddenly didn't feel as cold as this morning. No, it wasn't the snow that changed, it was me. My body felt kind of warmer, although I had no idea why.
It wasn't that cold anymore.