This is again something I wrote in the middle of the night while I was feeling pretty depressed... I tried to base it on people I know who experienced this situation and to make it as real as possible but, I'm sorry, I can't grant its quality...
Disclaimer : Nothing in the universe of DRRR! belongs to me.
Warnings : Mention of suicide, Boy x Boy love and slight mental breakdown. OOC Izaya. You are warned.
Because of the content, I rated it M. Better too high than not enough. Please tell me if I should change this...
« I'm sorry, Izaya. It's too much… It's too hard… I can't… I must leave… I'm… Sorry… »
The informant felt his heart beating faster when he heard the dull voice apologizing in his phone.
« Listen Roppi, I…
- I love you, Izaya. With all my heart… But I can't anymore… I wish I was stronger. I wish I was like you. Maybe I could have been able to bring something else than problems… But it's over… You'll be quiet now… »
Izaya held his phone as if he was holding Roppi himself.
« I'm coming.
- It's too late.
- I don't care, I'm coming.
- Thank you. »
The discussion stopped. Roppi had turned his phone off. Izaya remained in the same position during some seconds, looking at the phone in his hands. He felt terrible, like if he was about to puke but at the same he felt angry and wished he had this monster's strenght and resistance. He'd have punched a wall, a car, even the ground. He definitely needed to do something ! But not right now… Roppi was waiting for him. Roppi was leaving, he had to be there to tell him goodbye !
With more energy as he ever felt, Izaya started to run. He ignored the rare persons who were still outside, maybe going to nightclubs or something like this. He ignored the car that nearly bumped into him. He ignored the pain in his lungs which was indicating he was lacking of oxygen. He wanted to be there as fast as possible. He wanted to see him for the last time. He needed it.
Out of breath, he reached the door of their apartment and kicked the door open, not caring about the noise it did. He didn't even took the time to take of his shoes, directly rushing to Roppi's room. He opened the door as carefully as possible, choking when he saw the familar shape laying on the bed. He wasn't moving… Izaya walked to the bed and knelt, always looking at Roppi. Even in this situation he remained the most beautiful person Izaya has ever seen.
« Ro… Roppi… » he managed to stutter, reaching the other's pale cheek with his hand but refusing to touch him. He didn't want to imagine he was already gone. He was waiting for him, right ? There was no way he could have left him now !
« Roppi… Please… Roppi… »
Izaya couldn't help it but let a tear rolling down his cheek. He caressed Roppi's face, hoping he wasn't too late. He wanted to look at him one last time. He wanted to hear his voice one last time, to hold him one last time, to feel him against him one last time. He refused to accept he was too late. It was simply impossible. And it would surely kill him as well.
« Izaya ? »
It wasn't really a call, more a whisper. Roppi turned on his back, smiling softly. « You came. » he said, relieved.
« Of course. Did you really think I would leave you in such a moment ?
- I'm happy. Thank you, Izaya. »
Roppi sat on his bed and smiled at Izaya, always with this unusually sweet and happy smile.
« Did you already… » Izaya couldn't finish his question, his throat killing his words. But Roppi understood anyway. He shook his head.
« Not yet. I… I was afraid… That I would leave before you could come… I… I'm afraid, Izaya. I'm really afraid…
- It's normal. Everybody would be…
- But I'm sorry… I… I can't be… by your side… anymore… »
Roppi started to cry. But it wasn't the kind of tortured and angry sobs that he was used to. These were much more smooth, more peaceful. Izaya found these tears beautiful, just like Roppi. They both know the time has come and none of them would change their mind now… For both of them it was a torture as much as a release. They know nothing could be done anymore. Roppi looked at Izaya, another tear escaping his eyelids.
« You… You will be… with me…
- Of course. I said until the end, right ? I won't betray you. I will be here.
- I… I'm sorry… » Roppi apologized once again, hiding his visage within his hands.
« Don't… I know it's not your fault… I'm sure you will feel better there. But you'll look after me, right ? You'll make sure I am fine.
- I will… »
Izaya sat on the bed beside Roppi and pulled him into a tight hug.
« I know you will always be by my side… I will keep you with me forever…
- I love you Izaya.
- I love you too… I'm just sorry I couldn't help more. »
Roppi silently pushed Izaya away, a hard expression on the face.
« Don't say that. » he said angrily. « You've helped me more than anybody else. You gave me everything when I had nothing. You taught me how to feel and love when I thought I was nothing but a broken doll… You've helped me without asking me anything in return. But it was already too late… You have no need to feel guilty about. You are my most precious person and the very reason for which I could last so long… But I can't anymore… » Roppi's voice broke. He didn't look angry anymore. Just sad. « I'm sorry, Izaya… You gave me… everything… And… I'm so selfish… But it's too hard. The voices won't stop… They keep telling me to hurt me. To hurt you. I don't want his, Izaya… But I can't make them stop… They won't stop… They don't want to stop… I can't fight anymore. I lost the battle… I… I let them catch me… But I won't let them hurt you… But for that… I must leave… I'm sorry… I'm sorry… »
Izaya smiled at Roppi before hugging him again, gently caressing his back.
« It's alright, Roppi. It's alright… We'll set you free, I promise. You'll be peaceful… I will stay with you until the end. I won't let you. I will keep them away from you. Don't worry… »
They hugged for what looked a whole day before Izaya broke the embrace only to kiss Roppi's forehead. He did his best to smile even though he was more crying than anything.
« Tell me, is everything ready ? »
Roppi nodded before standing up and leading Izaya to the living room. He showed the coffee table where several kind of pills were waiting.
« It won't be painful, right ?
- Don't worry. I made sure you'll just have the feeling to fall asleep. You will just fall asleep… for a long time…
- Thank you. » Roppi smiled faintly, now relieved. He pulled Izaya in another hug, resting his head in the crook of the informant's neck. « I wanted… I wanted to be someone… Someone who'd mean for you… Someone you'd be proud of… I'm sorry I failed… »
Izaya gently rubbed Roppi's back in an attempt to transmit his feelings.
« You failed at nothing, Roppi… You are one of the bravest persons I could meet… You went through a lot and many persons who seem toughest than you wouldn't have done so much… I am proud of you. I will always be. As long as I'll live, I'll be proud of you. Don't think so badly of yourself. I want you to leave while thinking your time with me was worth living it. I want you to leave with this beautiful smile of yours, not while crying because you think you were unworthy of anything… I'm not a good person, you know. But with you by my side, I was happy to learn how to live… You helped me a lot, more than you think.
- I'm happy I gave my life to you, Izaya. »
Roppi lightly kissed Izaya's neck before stepping away, his smile once again present on his lips.
« I shall be going now. » he said softly.
Izaya only nodded and both of the men went to sit on a couch. Roppi looked at all the pills and started swallowing them, Izaya always looking at him. Once everything has disappeared, Roppi rested his head on Izaya's shoulder.
The next moments were dedicated to keep Roppi's thoughts away the fact he was dying. Izaya did his best to talk. He talked about everything and anything. He didn't even think before speaking. All what mattered was to keep Roppi's away his other personalities because if he let only one of them visit him, his leaving would be all but peaceful and Izaya refused to see that happen.
After what the informant felt like being several long and hard hours, Roppi finally grabbed Izaya's hand, letting him know he felt he was at his end. Izaya stopped talking to look at the other once again.
« Wait for me, Roppi. I'll definitely join you one day. But please, wait for me.
- I… love you… »
Izaya swallowed another sob and pulled Roppi closer to him, smiling back to him. He kissed him. For the first time, Izaya dared press his lips against Roppi's. For their last seconds together, he wanted to show Roppi how much he loved him and he was happy to see Roppi's smile only grew wider.
« I love you too. » he replied, kissing him again.
Roppi closed his eyes once again, still smiling. Soon, Izaya noticed his chest has stopped moving. With a lot of efforts, he let go of Roppi's body, only to collapse on the ground, crying himself to sleep.
The next morning was very painful for the informant who had called the police, pretending that he found Roppi's lifeless body when he woke up. Despite the fact his nerves were a mess, he remained able to play the comedy well enough and he was never suspected of anything.
Because Roppi was his everything, Izaya took care his funeral was the best possible. There were very few people of course, but Izaya didn't mind it. He was sure everything was like Roppi'd have liked… Celty and Shinra were here. Mairu and Kururi too. Namie. Kadota and his gang. Masaomi, Anri and Mikado too, even if Izaya remained unable to understand why since the three of them hated him. Maybe did they have some connection with Roppi ? And much to his surprise, Izaya recognized Shizuo standing away from everybody. Because he knew the ex-bartender was one of the few persons Roppi had ever accepted, Izaya decided to make an effort. He walked to him and pulled on his sleeve.
« You too, Shizu-chan. Come on… I know he liked you. Go and tell him goodbye… Please… »
Shizuo didn't even flinched when Izaya used his nickname, too busy probing the despair in the informant's eyes. It was the very first time Shizuo saw Izaya crying. For the man's sake, he decided to do as asked and went to the coffin, looking a last time at who he once called a friend.
After the cremation, everybody headed back home, not without talking a bit with Izaya, most of the time wishing him to get well soon. He nodded at everybody and, once he was left alone, he sat on one of the chair and cried once again. He felt broken as never before. He didn't even remember he had felt as sad when his father passed away. But he noticed his tears stopped flowing by themselves when he told himself he couldn't let his pain catch him. He once promised Roppi he would live for them both and he'll surely honor this promise.
XOXOXOX
Izaya was sitting on Roppi's bed and looked once again at the urn on the bedside table. He smiled when he felt this familiar feeling of not being alone anymore.
« Hey Roppi. » he said to the black pottery. « I miss you… Living without you really is harder than I first thought… But I'm not alone… I'm happy to see you still think about me… I don't know when I'll can come though. I… Actually, I'd like to stay here as long as possible. It doesn't bother you, I hope ? »
The informant paused for a moment, as if he waited for an answer. He continued to smile to himself as he talked once again.
« I still have everything which was yours. Sometimes… Sometimes I wear your clothes… It gave me the feeling you're still with me… I could swear they still have your odour even if I washed them several times already… It's silly isn't it ? I feel like you're with me all the day long. That you follow me wherever I go… Was it what you meant when you said you'll look after me ? If so, I thank you. I… I know the others may find it weird, that's why I never told them, but I'm sure you're still here in a way… Especially when I'm alone. I can hear you. I can see you. Sometimes I can feel you… Ahahah ! I think I'm maybe becoming a bit crazy… I miss you terribly. Maybe that's why I have this feeling ? … No. I know it's not that. I know you are here. »
Izaya chuckled before laying on his back.
« Roppi ? Do you mind it if I sleep in your bed tonigt ? I think I need it… Yeah… I love you Roppi. I will always… »
With another sigh, Izaya slid under the blanket and curled on himself, holding the second pillow. He remembered the numerous night he spent in his bed, rocking Roppi to help him to fall asleep or simply hugging him because he asked to. And he remembered what pillow was Roppi's. Hugging it sometimes helped Izaya to feel better, like if he was hugging Roppi himself.
« Roppi, I love you. » the raven whispered before falling asleep and meeting his love in one of his countless dreams in which they were living together and without problems… One day these dreams will become true, Izaya smiled in his sleep. They will definitely meet again.
Thank you for reading until the end ! :)