This is my first fanfic ever guys. I hope you like it. Please review so that I can improve the story for you guys :)
Chapter 1
One.
It all started with just… "one". Every after football practice, Lucas would always wait for Riley at the parking lot after her cheer leading practice and I would always be there staring at them, from the window, forgetting about the blank canvas in front of me. I would always see Riley run towards Lucas with her goofy grin, and embrace him once they meet.
He would always be there, giving her a charming smile when earlier, he would look at the sky with a sad grin.
But what possessed me to do things I thought I would never do was when Riley was waiting beside Lucas's car, drenched from the rain. Lucas probably had to pass by the Freshman Student Body Council since he was the president. As I was about to run outside the art room since I was concerned over Riley's health, I saw Lucas running with an umbrella towards her. He had that look of guilt, panic, and concern swept across his handsome features since Riley was shivering bad.
I knew that the pair had an unofficial "thing" going on but after Lucas removed his hoodie, exposing himself to the cold, to give to Riley, I started doubting their relationship. They seemed like a sweet innocent couple in her eyes despite the two of them shying away from each other's gazes.
I ignored the usual ache that worsened the longer I stared at them.
Both faced their backs at each other after what seemed to be an awkward conversation. That was when Lucas's flushed face made sense when Riley removed her drenched blouse, exposing her bra and bare stomach.
After putting on the hoodie, it looked like she said "Ok, you can turn around now." because both of them turned around, both very red on the face.
I stared at the two of them while they stared at each other. If I didn't know better, their sexual tension was as thick as their dense minds. I knew that my heart was hammering painfully and my eyes were clearly tearing up.
I looked away to blink my tears dry. I hated myself for feeling this way, more so with why. That was when I finally realized what I had been painting for days. And I hated myself for it.
In the center of the canvas was a fire, showering its light to the whole scenery. The background was filled with trees that showed beauty despite the setting being at night because of the magical glow. There were logs scattered on the ground. The stars spread across the sky but created patterns of the constellations.
But what pained me the most was the two figures, so close together, beside the campfire. For people who looked at the painting may decipher it as a shadow created by the trees, but I knew better. Despite the figures painted as black as shadows, I remembered every single color and action that was actually mirrored through the painting. And it reminded me of so much pain and confusion. So that's why I kept this memory as a painting, to remind me that like paintings, it could all be a part of my imagination.
I successfully forced myself to look away from my painting and looked back at the two people outside in the rain. I thought that if I could see them leaving with each other would slightly lessen the raging ache of the past. But boy was I wrong!
There in the open rain, with the umbrella lying on the puddled parking lot floor, was Riley and Lucas kissing each other while holding each other's faces on their fingers and bodies stuck together like glue.
They were perfect for each other after all. "The princess and her prince".
And it was at that moment, I felt "nothing". Complete darkness in my heart. Even when I continued to look at the pair, I felt nothing. My walls rebuilt itself at a mere second.
I was numb. For once, I stopped looking and closed the curtains.
That night, when I got home, as I was washing the kitchen knives my mom used to cook for dinner, I accidentally sliced my index finger.
Despite feeling pain, it felt good.
It was at that moment I knew a way for me to not feel numb. A way for me to lessen emotional pain. A way for me to actually "feel".
At night, when my mom and gammy was fast asleep, I took a blade from the unused sewing kit at home and drove it across my left wrist.
I felt relief when I knew I could still feel something, even though it was stinging pain, reminding me that I was still human.
It was the pain that brought me back, temporarily.
I knew that I would continue to commit the same sin over and over again, especially if that was all it took to feel something, anything.