Disclaimer: They're not mine, this is not for profit, please don't sue me; I just love the show.
Rating: PG
Setting: Dog With Two Bones, the "coin-toss scene"
Spoilers: Dog With Two Bones.
Authors Notes: Well here it is, my take on *that* scene! Please R&R. As always, thanks and cookies go to Minh. She is simply the best :)
Promises
"Guarantee you won't die in my arms again!"
"Guarantee you won't die in mine!"
That's a promise neither of us could keep. Even if we weren't still running from the Peacekeepers, the Scarrans and everyone else we've managed to get on the wrong side of. Even if we weren't constantly on the run, in battle, fighting for survival, we couldn't keep that promise. Because it's not our choice to make.
Leaving, however, is my choice to make.
I cannot watch him die again… I will not watch him die again… standing by with no control over life and death. I still love him, the other John. I still miss him, still cry for him. I still hurt, more than I ever thought possible. It scares me, just how much I hurt, how out of control I am. I love him… and I lost him. But he's still here. He still loves me and I still love him. But I cannot hurt like that again. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. That's what he once said to me. Well, I have loved, and I have lost, and I'm not going there again. I cannot live through that pain again and I will not live through that pain again.
~*~
"Guarantee you won't die in my arms again"
"Guarantee you don't die in mine"
That's a promise neither of us can keep. We both know it, and it hurts.
I know that she's hurting right now. God knows, I've been there. When I lost her I thought I was going to die; I wanted to die. It hurt so much I couldn't think straight. I understand what she's going through. When you love someone with everything you've got, you risk everything, too. We loved, and we lost… but we are still here. I am willing to risk everything again, because the fear and the pain are worth it.
I can't let her go. How do I let her go when I love her? How do I let her go when I can't think about life without her? When I can't think about being here without her, or about not being there for her. She's come so far… she's changed so much, because of me. Without me, what will happen to her? Will I lose Aeryn to the Peacekeeper way again? After everything we have been through? But then maybe I have already lost her…
I can't accept that this is the end. I won't accept that this is the end. Not while I know she loved me and I love her... I love her, I need her, without her my life isn't worth a thing. She makes me better.