Debt
Kíli's point of view
"If it weren't for your big feet-" Fíli shoves me from behind as I throw open the doors to Ma's halls and drop the battered leather ball onto the floor, along with my outermost layers. Stumbling for a second, I launch my shoulder backward into him with a laugh.
"Your feet are bigger than mine! And you're the one who threw it too high-" Throwing his arm around my neck, he almost brings me down to the ground before I am saved by our mother's voice.
"Gultalût!" Giving us a look fit for a pair of 'tiny boars', she nods in the direction of her dining hall and advises us to quiet down, wash up and come to supper. "Your uncle is here." Giving each other sideways glances, we nod and hurry to do so… both of us wondering what we've done wrong now.
"Lucky," I tease Fíli as I push past him through the entry to our shared bedchamber. "She saved you – I was about to flip you over my shoulder!"
"You were about to surrender," he scoffs with a knowing smirk. "And what have you done now? Tell me and I'll cover for you!"
"I haven't done anything!" I protest, quickly scrubbing up with a wet towel. "Maybe it's you for a change." Dismissing the idea, he flips his own washrag towards the bowl but misses – sending it flying onto my mattress with a wet splat. "Slob!" I bark. "Living with you is like living with hogs! I can't wait until I don't have to wake up to your stench every morning!" Still arguing about whose habits are viler as we enter the dining hall, we fall silent when we see Thorin standing behind our mother's chair, his hands on her shoulders in comfort. Whatever we've done this time, it must be bad… judging by the somber look on their faces.
Waiting until we're seated to take his own place at the head of the table, Thorin says nothing for nearly a minute, instead serving himself and pretending as if we weren't here. Waiting to speak until we're spoken to is torture, and finally I open my mouth to break the silence, only to be stopped with a kick from Fíli. The look on his face warns me not to make it worse – whatever 'it' is.
"You've been successful," Thorin finally says, calmly, as he places his glass on the table and sits back. "In your nudnul akadâm, I mean." Sensing my brother's annoyance at the description of our work as merchant escorts as 'boyish adventures', I quickly answer for us both.
"Yes, we've done very well! In fact, we're thinking of going-"
"How much have you earned?" Deferring to Fíli, I wait for him to tally the exact amounts, not being very good at tracking figures myself. My brother dutifully answers each question, all the while looking at me uncomfortably. We're both thinking the same thing… why does he want to know?
"It's enough to establish our own halls," I speak up, earning a frown from Ma. It's been a contentious subject lately, and the idea of us no longer living under her roof has been met with fierce resistance. Hoping to find an ally in Thorin, I start to explain that it's time for us to be counted among the dwarves of the Blue Mountains. After all, it was his opinion that finally convinced her we should be allowed to venture out and earn a living of our own. 'They've clung to your skirts long enough. They need to learn how to make themselves useful,' he said when I finally turned 75. "Uncle, don't you think we're old enough-"
"I do." Sounding more ominous than encouraging, he pushes his plate away and leans forward with his hands folded on the table, examining us in turn. "That is why you will both help to fill this." Nodding towards a dusty coffer box on the floor, he explains that we are going to use what we have earned to repay a debt.
"A debt?" Fíli asks, giving me an annoyed look. Returning it defiantly, I shake my head – this has nothing to do with me! One time he had to bail me out on a lost wager… and that was five years ago! I've hardly had to borrow anything since! Surely Thorin isn't saying that we must give up –
"When Erebor fell," he begins, stilling us both immediately. "We roamed for over 30 years, taking any work we could to support ourselves and those dependent on us," he nods to Ma whose eyes show a sadness that only comes when that time is mentioned. "Most were indifferent to our suffering… some were blatantly cruel." Restless in my seat, I think to myself that's the kind of debt I want to repay – one of revenge! "But a few were kind." Explaining that in the kingdom of Tharbad, in the southern region of Eriador, there lived a young king who was sympathetic to Durin's Folk. He goes on to tell how after the Battle of Azanulbizar that king welcomed our remaining warriors with rest and care until they were ready to travel again. "Some might say that without his help we may have never claimed the Blue Mountains as our own."
"A king of men?" I snort, outraged at the idea that the kingdom of Thorin's Gate exists because of anything more than our uncle's leadership and our kin's perseverance.
"Yes," Thorin snaps, unable to hide his irritation at the memory of needing help from anyone. "And when that king heard that the Princess Dís was expecting the first royal child to be born in our new kingdom he sent this-" Again, he gestures to the chest. "-so that he or she would be born into the comfort long denied to our family."
"Well, if it was for you I don't see why-" I mutter to Fíli, only to be silenced with a stern look from our uncle.
"Because you've both benefitted," he growls. "Perhaps too much." Fíli nods, but I sit back in my chair, annoyed. Our 'spoiling' has long been a source of conflict between Ma and Thorin. "And because the dwarves of Erebor have never needed charity, especially from the likes of men, I considered it then a loan. Now that the princes it was intended for have come of age it is time for them to repay it." Seeing the goal of my own halls disappearing from within my grasp, I bring my fist down on the table with such force that the dishes rattle against each other.
"It will take everything we've earned to fill that! You can't take-"
"Let me repay the debt," Ma intervenes in a placating voice that occasionally works with her older brother. "I have enough three times over now. I am more than –"
"And what lesson will that serve?" Thorin demands. "Someday Fíli will be king," he starts his usual explanation of how unprepared my brother is for leadership. "What does he know of sacrifice?"
"We'll do as you say, Irak'adad," Fíli bows his head, not happy with the news but knowing better than to argue. Not having mastered obedience as well, I shove my chair back and jump up without being excused.
"You know, I could be king one day too," I scoff, causing Ma to quickly whisper a protection over Fíli against my invitation of bad luck.
"In that case," Thorin replies coolly, immune to my outbursts as usual. "Mahal help your subjects." Ignoring the clatter of my chair and our mother's calls for me to wait as I storm from the room, I don't stop until I reach the narrow crack in the mountain I've been visiting for twelve years now… the one I've dreamt of widening into at first one room and then more... the one that would be my own halls.
Slipping inside, I slide my back down the wall until I'm sitting on the floor. But instead of seeing the cave fall away into a grand hall in my mind's eye… this time I see the walls closing in tighter. When will I have something of my own, if not now that I've finally saved enough for the labor and materials to begin? When will I be something other than the second son of the king's sister?
"It isn't fair." Sitting in the near-darkness for a long time with my head and folded arms resting on my knees, I sigh when I hear Fíli sneaking in. "You're not that good," I mumble. "I heard you coming a mile away… smelled you first, though." Chuckling, he settles onto the cold ground next to me and we sit in silence for a while. I know everything he has to say, and I'm in no rush to hear it.
"It'll be a great hall," he finally says, looking up to where the walls disappear into a black void. "It will be yours – someday."
"Someday was due to come sooner rather than later." Ignoring my grumbling, he explains that we're due to accompany Thorin to Tharbad himself, leaving the day after tomorrow. I understand why we are being forced to go – probably to drive home some lesson about humility or something like that. One thing confuses me, though. "Why is Thorin going? He never leaves the mountains."
"Maybe to be sure we don't make some blunder?" Fíli reasons with a shrug. It's as good as an explanation as any, and as Ma would say: it really doesn't matter why… all that matters is that it is. We're going to turn over nearly all our money to men, and if it isn't enough to have it taken from me, I will have to offer it up myself.
"Well… I don't care what reasons he has for any of it," I say, knowing I sound petulant. "There's got to be some way to learn sacrifice besides this!"
"Kíli," my brother sighs. Leaving the rest of his thoughts unsaid, he stands and offers me his hand. Following him back home with my shoulders slumped, I turn and take one more look at everything I've been working for up until now with a dull ache of anger. Nothing I can learn from some exercise of Thorin's is as important as my freedom, I insist silently… and there's nothing I can learn or find in any kingdom of men that would serve me any better than finally becoming the master of my own life.