The Both Sides of Wishing I'd Found You

'I don't mind that you're faking – I've known all along. But I'd rather have you faking, than never here at all. So, go ahead, with those words and those waves slicing me open; wasted feelings etching into the woodwork of jigsaw heartstrings.

Fake another bit of what's there in your heart, drowning me with dishonest acts of affection – you must think me impossibly naïve.

Wasn't it good enough, everything I felt for you, was everything I felt even possibly enough for you?

All along, you'd wanted only her'

Thunder – pillars of shiny dust, floating, almost alight, cascading yet upward, sparks like power cables, jolts through lighted sky.

"Why, why did you write that?" Clamping onto Davis' shoulders, I thrust him violently up against an unsuspecting wall.

In breathing destructively and heartbeats choking me, I shook with entrenched anger and a stubborn stare influencing my irises. He wouldn't look at me.

My ears, alert, noticed sounds become low and deep, and time began to slow down to an almost crawling tardiness. Davis' chilly hand came forward and squeezed my wrist with tremendous strength which caused pain to burn all around and eyes to close; once light was let in again I was sewn into the floor with my brother holding me down.

Time kick started at regular speed again.

Strong fingers riddled throughout my own and Davis raised my arms upward, and my legs downward, out of reach – awkwardly spread out like a frustrated snow angel.

Davis became smoothly closer, his nose almost touching my own. He seemed curious of something. I was stuck, though not by brute force.

Looking right into those honey orbs I felt anger and hatred exit me and my body began to relax underneath him.

Upon sighting the smile I was sending up to him, Davis appeared even more confused than I was. Enjoying the look of raw bafflement his face held, I was disappointed when he retreated to a sat up position, allowing all his weight to fall upon his rounded knees.

Davis' hands returned, hanging loosely beyond his waist.

I was yet to move.

An obviously prewritten bit of paper came forward, supported by little more than the looseness of Davis' grip. I was sure it'd be something nice. I didn't care about the past, anymore. Unravelling the message and straightening out the creases, freshly chiselled letters welded all together and constructed words into a phrase for my eyes to read.

'I'm sorry. Did the words hurt you?'

Smile reversed, I sat, as if a baffled statue, silently.

The mystery of Davis' sudden concern receding to the puzzle box area of my brain, I focused fully on convincing him I wasn't pained. Feeling weak and pathetic behind my newly painted mask, I simply shook my head, not daring to look him in the eye, the ancient tea stain on the carpet seeming suddenly captivating.

Feeling a rise within the collar already riddled upward across my face, exposing seams of bare flesh, I sprung up, my abdominal muscles tensing, but not entirely due to the sudden manoeuvre; Davis' fingers hung onto the thin foundations of the green fabric, showing no signs of white flags.

Appearing unconvinced at my illegitimate answer, Davis, as if I wasn't there, lifted his index finger and lightly tapped the area around my cheekbones' eyelashes.

Though the pressure was littlie, a dramatic wince and a not unheard swallow rung outward for miles; blowing my cover, tearing the mask from my face.

Not yet said apologises were Scrabbling around my vocal cords, tarring at every nerve, begging themselves to be released for my dishonesty. I was already flinching away, eyes closed, afraid of another strike to add to my wounds.

The cool wind radiating off Davis' fingers hung whispers away from my open tear ducts, almost touching.

A comfortable, healing touch, barely a stroke, feathered my skin like fiery angel wings.

Opening my eyes to reveal the suspect of my pleasure, I spotted, as predicted; Davis sat right there, his fingers tracing my smiling skin.

His reflections of light shone into me and he seemed instantly disgusted; his face twisted into a scowl and his hands jumped from my abdomen. Pushing himself from the floor and away from me, Davis walked from the room, wiping his hands on his jeans, seemingly tainted, and never looking back.

Five minutes earlier…

Didn't I share things with you that I'd tell no other man? Didn't I do everything possible to make you happy?

I'll apologise right away, for being a coward; ignoring all I've ever felt for you, and sending my heart to false destinations.

Every time I think to myself "maybe he'll know I'm in love", I run away again – unable to take the pain.

If it's needed to bring that smile back, smash to pieces everything in my chest, then, snatch a little shard away.

If you ever feel lonely, just take another.

Here they go again, our hearts walking through the door together; here they go again, like nothing has happened prior. Here we go again, just unused to sleeping alone, listening to their lies and bleeding, wanting only to not be on one's own.

Yet, after all, I lie all by myself.

Here, next to you;

We're alone again.