READY TO ROYALLY RUMBLE
BY BOB WRIGHT
AUTHOR'S NOTE: As you can see, this is the Royal Rumble story. I hope the Rumble as written out will be satisfactory for all of you.
Again, all wrestlers' in-ring personas are registered trademarks of World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc. And now, sit back and enjoy the story...
NOT THAT LONG AGO, IN AN ARENA NOT THAT FAR AWAY...
"A new year is upon us, and the World Wrestling Federation is poised to take the great sport of wrestling to new heights over the course of this year, starting with the biggest brawl of them all, the Royal Rumble. We're coming to you here live on beautiful Miami Beach, it's eighty degrees and sunny, and the action will be just as just as hot and heavy this coming Sunday, when the Royal Rumble will once again air on pay-per-view. We welcome you all to our special Prime Time Wrestling Royal Rumble preview show; Gorilla Monsoon here along with Bobby 'the Brain' Heenan, once again out of uniform," Monsoon frowned at his partner, decked out in a loud Hawaiian shirt and straw hat, merrily sipping away on a margarita, "and are you even listening to what I'm saying, Brain?"
"Not until you introduce my friend and our other co-host, Greenberg the Parrot, in from Jamaica," Heenan patted the green stuffed parrot on his shoulder. He then pulled a string on the parrot's back to move its beak and mumbled through closed lips in a faux Jamaican accent, "It's really good to be here, wrestling fans; I just flew in from Kingston, and boy, my wings are tired."
"Oh brother," Monsoon rolled his eyes in disgust, "As if putting up with you wasn't bad enough, Brain..."
"Watch it, brother," "Greenberg" scolded him, "Jamaican me crazy, mon."
"Will you stop!" Monsoon upbraided the stuffed parrot. "At any rate, this year's Royal Rumble should be one for the ages," he turned back to the camera, "In an agreement forged between World Wrestling Federation President Jack Tunney and WWF world champion Hulk Hogan, the world title will be on the line in the Rumble this year. As you all know, the Royal Rumble starts with two men in the ring, and every two minutes thereafter, another participant is added until all thirty entrants have entered the ring; a wrestler can only be eliminated by being thrown over the top rope, with both feet touching the floor. And the last man standing this year will then be crowned as WWF world champion."
"This is the smartest thing Hogan's done in a long time, maybe in his whole career, right Greenberg?" Heenan asked his "guest." "Oh yeah, Bobby," he made the parrot answer, "Hogan's held the belt way too long; it's good that he's basically giving up the title."
"Well, Greenberg," Monsoon rolled his eyes to be having an analytical discussion with a stuffed parrot, "From my point of view, Hulk Hogan would not have agreed to have put the title on the line if he wasn't completely convinced he could win it back."
"Which isn't going to happen, Monsoon; even if he cheats to get number thirty, he can't survive against everyone else," Heenan predicted confidently.
"Only time will tell, Brain. The field for the Rumble has been set with the seeding of the top twenty-nine challengers for the world championship that will join the Hulkster in the ring, and these are the finalists that will compete."
He turned to the screen behind them. "Besides Hulk Hogan himself, participating from the Mega Powers Rock 'n Wrestling Connection are 'Macho Man' Randy Savage, Andre the Giant, 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper, and Tito Santana. Among their sworn enemies in the Million Dollar Corporation chosen to compete are these finalists: 'Nature Boy' Ric Flair, the Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase, Jake 'the Snake' Roberts, the Undertaker, Earthquake, and your guy Mr. Perfect."
"I don't mean to brag, but I'd say Perfect's the easy favorite to win the Rumble," Heenan said proudly, "Not only does he have the skills, the tenure with the gold as Intercontinental champion, and the fastest feet in the business, but I'll say again so the humanoids understand it, he's simply...perfect."
"Brain, he's not perfect, I'm not perfect, you're certainly not perfect, the parrot's not perfect; no one's perfect," Monsoon reminded him, "And outside of these two bitterly rival factions here in the WWF, many of the other entrants have just as legitimate a shot to win the gold. For example, also participating is that erstwhile hopeful for the Rock 'n Wrestling Connection, the Ultimate Warrior, and maybe a win here would finally get him in."
"He can dream on, Gorilla; Hogan's ego forbids anyone as powerful as he leading the Connection," "Greenberg" scoffed.
"Listen, one more word out of you, buster, and Polly's going to get an especially large cracker-a firecracker, that is-shoved right down your throat," Monsoon waved a threatening finger in the stuffed parrot's face.
"Hey, that's no way to treat a guest in this country, Monsoon," Heenan protested.
"Will you stop! Anyway, also participating in the Royal Rumble will be the following top contenders: Brutus 'the Barber' Beefcake, Yokozuna, the Honky Tonk Man, the Texas Tornado, Hercules, 'Hacksaw' Jim Duggan, 'the Model' Rick Martel, and 'Cowboy' Bob Orton. In addition, several tag teams will be participating, and yes, if one of their members wins, he will be world champion. So, rounding out the field is Ax and Smash of Demolition, Luke and Butch of the Bushwhackers, Brian Knobbs and Jerry Saggs of the Nasty Boys, Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty of the Rockers, and the Powers of Pain, the Warlord and the Barbarian."
"I don't know how the Bushwhackers got into this one; they don't have enough brains to compete for the world championship, let alone the tag team one," Heenan griped, "I'd be happy to switch them out for someone like the Islanders or the Brainbusters if..."
"Sure, Brain, anything to support your guys over everyone else. And so you know, Ted DiBiase's shenanigans notwithstanding, bribery does not go here in the World Wrestling Federation, so you can forget any idea of paying Jack Tunney off to get the gold. However, much as it pains me to say it, you also have a shot at the Intercontintal gold at the Rumble, as your guy 'Ravishing' Rick Rude will face the champion 'Hitman' Bret Hart in a ladder match; for those of you unaware how it would work, the Intercontinental belt will be attached to a pole above the ring, and the winner will be whoever can climb up a ladder to retrive it. The caveat, though, is that the ladder can also be used as a weapon during the match by either man if they so choose."
"And that's why we've got to be careful; Bret Hart's too much of a cheater not to resort to excessive use of the ladder at some point. But it won't matter; I've got Rick all ready to go, and the Intercontinental gold's coming back to the Heenan Family, I guarantee it," the Brain predicted.
"You tell him, Bobby," "Greenberg" then encouraged him, "You're not the best manager in wrestling for nothing, after all."
"Well, you two, I've heard some rather interesting rumors coming out of the Heenan Family, that Mr. Perfect was in fact rather upset that he wasn't going to get a crack at 'his' Intercontinental title, and was only placated by knowing he had a shot at the world title," Monsoon told Heenan and his "friend" with raised eyebrows.
"All spec, Monsoon, nothing but rubbish; Mr. Perfect was quite happy to share the honor to ensure there would be two titles in the Heenan Family," the Brain inisted firmly.
"We shall see there, Brain. Also on the line are the tag team belts, as champions Legion of Doom will defend against the Mega Mercenaries, the Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff. In other tag team matchups, we'll see the Killer Bees, B. Brian Blair and Jumping Jim Brunzell, in action for the first time since that sneak attack by the Nasty Boys and Powers of Pain that cost them their spot in the Survivor Series; they will be facing the Headshrinkers, Samu and Fatu. And in six man action, the team of Ricky 'the Dragon' Steamboat, the British Bulldog, and the Big Boss Man will face all three members of Mr. Fuji's Orient Express, Kato, Tanaka, and Sato."
"You talk about being upset about not getting the shot at the world title; from what I hear, Steamboat, the Boss Man, and the Bulldog are ticked off they won't get the shot since they signed the match with the Orient Express before it was announced the title was on the line," Heenan remarked smugly.
"Now where did you hear that, Brain? Because that's not what I've been hearing."
"Oh, a little bird told him, Monsoon," "Greenberg" answered smarmily.
"Oh brother," Monsoon rolled his eyes again, "How did I get myself into this-don't say it," he warned Heenan and his "friend." "The final match on the card looks to be a real barnburner," he continued, "As you know, Razor Ramon and Greg 'the Hammer' Valentine were the sole survivors on their team at Survivor Series. Shortly thereafter, though, Valentine started claiming he was the driving force behind the Model's Marauders, and that Ramon made no sizeable contributions to the success. Ramon took offense to this and asked him to stop it, but Valentine only escalated the rhetoric, until we got to this showdown on Piper's Pit," he turned back to the monitor as the relevant footage came up on the screen...
"...all through the Survivor Series, I fought the hard fight, and I came out on top even though everyone was rooting against me," the Hammer bragged to Piper on the Piper's Pit set, "I alone stood tall and proud, despite what that coattail-hanger-on Razor Ramon says."
"Hold the phone, did you really say what I think you just did?" Piper ranted at him, "Let me remind you, buster, Razor Ramon was still standing at the end of the Survivor Series too, and he made his share of eliminations as well-or do you just need a lobotomy, Valentine?"
"You might just get a pounding if you don't get off my case, Piper," Valentine warned him, "And if you think I'm going to share my moment of glory with a guy who's probably in this country illegally, you've got something else coming. And furthermore..."
He stopped as a furious Ramon stormed through the doorway onto the Piper's Pit set. "Well, well, looks like somebody doesn't like being told they don't belong in the country," Piper smirked, "So, Ramon, anything you want to say to your partner here?"
He held the microphone to Ramon's face. "OK, chico, now you're hitting below the belt, man," Ramon snarled in the Hammer's face, "First off, I come to this country fairly; second, all I want to do is achieve the American Dream, a good life and all the success that comes with it. And what do you do, chico? You break the rules to get ahead; you wouldn't be surviving if your little nobody of a manager here," he jerked a contemptuous finger at Jimmy Hart, now taking shelter behind his charge, "Hadn't interfered to eliminate all the people you say you took out..."
"You know what I think, CHICO, you're just plain jealous!" Valentine shot back in Ramon's face, "You're jealous that the Hammer has all the power and all the charisma, and all you got is a big pile of JACK SQUAT!"
"Oh no, you did not just say that," rage spread over Ramon's face as he grabbed Valentine by the robe, "Well, Mr. Hammer, I got the machismo, and you are the one who got nothing. And for the record, nobody, and I mean nobody, talks to Razor Ramon like the way you are. So you either say you're sorry now, or you're going to feel pain like..."
But it was he who was left feeling pain, as it was this point that Jimmy crept up from behind and smashed him in the back of the head with his megaphone, sending Ramon toppling to the floor. "What the hell is this!" Piper roared, "You're out of your mind...!"
Valentine shoved the Scotsman to the floor, then started kicking Ramon mercilessly on the floor. "Beautiful, Hammer baby, beautiful!" Jimmy eagerly goaded him on through the megaphone, "Teach this ingrate a lesson he'll never forget, baby, teach him a lesson he'll never forget!"
Valentine obliged, picking up a table and smashing it over the prostrate Ramon, then dropping an elbow on him and dishing out a few more kicks before Piper, irate, charged towards them waving a mace. "Out, out, out!" the Scotsman roared at them.
"Come on, Greg, baby, our work's done anyway," Jimmy told his charge, leading a smug Valentine out the archway to intense booing while Piper bent down to assist the fallen Ramon...
"Fortunately, Razor Ramon wasn't badly injured, and I'd have to say this has turned out worse for Greg Valentine in the end, as now he has the Bad Guy as his mortal enemy," Monsoon theorized, "It was only natural then that the two of them would then be booked to face each other at the Rumble, and they will settle the score for good this Sunday. Now I...Brain?" he glanced around, for his partner had left the broadcast position during the piece, "NOW where'd you run off too?"
Abruptly, a large beach ball hit him square in the face. "Serve!" Heenan called from off camera, "You were supposed to hit it back."
"WILL YOU STOP!" Monsoon flung the beach ball back at him-and got it thrown into his face again. Grinning, Heenan picked it up and started bouncing it off his partner's head. "No one can accuse you of being on the ball, Monsoon, right Greenberg?" he asked the parrot.
"You tell him, Bobby," "Greenberg" chuckled. Monsoon roared in frustration. "That's the Royal Rumble as it has been drawn up," he said as calmly as he could, ignoring the ball still bouncing off his head, "The wrestlers should be arriving here in Miami Beach very soon, so look for them if you live in this area. And don't forget to call your local cable company and tell them you want to see the Royal Rumble this Sunday night. When we return to Prime Time Wrestling after this brief break, you'll see the Rocket Owen Hart in action against Kamala...will you get that blasted ball out of here, Brain...!"