Title: Does Sir-Mix-A-Lot Like Booty?
Authors: Those sweet and innocent Dirrrty Mormon Girls: TheREALCarbyLove (A.K.A. McBitch, The Porn Queen, McStreaker, McTweaker, Abbie Doobie, Pasties, Frick) and her Flamingo friend (A.K.A. McJackass, The Porn Czar, Free&Easy, AssSmacker, Jack n Tab, Thong, Frack)
Disclaimer: This is for our own fucked up amusement. Take it as you may - or like Chen the SlutHo-any time, any place, with any body, any face...Look Maura Tierney! I can rhyme, just like Dr. Suess! I would not, could not, in a noose with a moose and Maura Tierney's fine caboose! Now I'm going to protect myself with the Magic Mustard before you-know-who comes through the you-know-what...

~*~*~

Carter: But MauraAbby...we just did it in the drug lock-up, the lounge, and on the roof...I can't do it in the elevator too

Abby: God damn it you lazy ass manbitch ... I said NOW! Am I going to have to spank you or can you manage to get it up on your own this time?

Carter: But I uh...I can't do it tonight...I have to wash my hair

Abby: You want to do it in the shower too? Ok...

Carter: No, no ... I have a headache ... so we can't do it in the shower either ... we can't do it at all.

Abby: You're going to make me do everything again? Maybe Maggie was right...you really are a PansyAss.

Carter: Maggie thinks I'm a PansyAss?

Abby: You were sitting in the car while she was knitting you a flaccid-penis hardener.

Carter: Oh ... I thought that was a scarf.

Abby: Maybe you aren't quite as gay as we thought.

Carter: What the hell is that supposed to mean? I'm wearing this ambiguously gay turtleneck and some girly shoes, aren't I?

Abby: My girly shoes...Damn, you really do have small feet.

Carter: Yeah, but I make up for that with my big brain.

Abby: You mean the one that fucked up not once, but twice, and never managed to propose to me?

Carter: You knew about that? How?

Abby: Because I'm not God damn brain dead, you dumbass. What the hell did you think I was gonna think when you rented out the whole restaurant and made some big speech about the state of our relationship? Especially after having shouted out from the rooftop how you wanted to marry me. What a schmuck.

Luka: Excuse me, Ebby ... but word is listed in the employee handbook as "inappropriate workplace terminology."

Abby: Fuck off, St. Luka.

Luka: I would, but I don't see any prostitutes here. Do you?

Carter: Abby's here...why don't you just fuck her instead.

Abby: What the fuck is wrong with you?

Carter: Obviously she's still in love with you because me not proposing is all her fault...I just couldn't ask her when I knew that she is so clearly in love with you and your rugged good looks

Luka: Yes, clearly Ebby is in love with Luka. All females are in love with Luka. It is no wonder she purposely said something to hurt you during that round-a-bout sad excuse for a heart-to-heart conversation you had with her. She wasn't confused as to your underlying meaning, but merely distracted by thoughts of the gorgeous Luka.

Carter: You can say that again...Have you ever looked into Luka's eyes Abby...I mean really looked.

Abby: Huh? What? I'm sorry, I got distracted by Luka's lap dance.

Carter: Lap dance! How can I get me some of that?

Luka: Do you have $5?

Abby: Do you know who you are talking to? He's got millions...His family killed lots of KIDS during the depression...they made millions killing KIDS...lots of KIDS froze to death...Why do I keep mentioning KIDS?

Carter: I don't know. But at least you stopped saying "sperm" every five seconds.

Abby: SPERM?!? What's wrong with saying SPERM. SPERM is what keeps the species alive. SPERM is a miracle of biology. SPERM is what you need to get babies. I want SPERM. GIVE ME YOUR SPERM, PANSYASS ... I NEED SPERM!

Luka: Luka has sperm...Luka can control his sperm with his mind. Luka is the only man who can impregnate any able-bodied woman with a suitable for womb for his offspring.

Abby: Uh ... you have an unnaturally large head ... I don't think I want the fruit of your loins passing through my cha-cha ... look how petite I am ... thanks anyway, though ...

Luka: Look how funny Ebby is...Making jokes about not wanting to have Luka's spawn. All women want to have Luka's spawn. Luka is gorgeous...and any woman would be lucky to have a baby to look at every day that is half Luka sperm.

Abby: Hehe...You said SPERM

Carter: Hey, I've got sperm. Well, if there's any left after the drug lock-up, the lounge, the roof ... but oh yeah ... you've got it all now ... and you know how verile us Carter men are so just sit back and let the magic begin.

Luka: Suddenly not too tired any more, huh? Luka can still work his magic

Abby: Go work your magic on Weaver, St. Stud.

Luka: A lesbian? Is that a challenge? Luka can work his magic on anyone. Luka could impregnate PansyBoy here if he wanted to. But Luka doesn't think that he is worthy of his pretty babies

Carter: Hey man, go talk to Pratt about that. He wishes he could be a gay cat.

Abby: Why does he want to be a cat? Why not a gay dog? How about a nice ambiguously gay black pug? Maybe we could adopt him and shower him with Evian water, diamond-studded doggy collars, and the finest steak in the land.

Carter: Not that kind of cat...you freak. I was getting my black on with the whole "gay cat" thing. Gallant gets it, right homes?

Gallant: Shut the fuck up...crack-ar.

Abby: I'm ready to get my black on too...

Gallant: Uh, Abby? Please! Not here ... besides, sex is best enjoyed in the bounds of holy matrimony ... or in the balcony of your church.

Carter: Yeah, when you are at the mature age of 11, with a maid...because that's not sexual abuse...That's a real man. Take *that* St. I Waited Until My Wedding Night

Abby: I had an instant ejaculator in the 10th grade ... poor Tommy ... couldn't even make it out of his jeans ... such a waste of sperm.

ChenBitch: You stupid nurse, ix-nay on the jaculator-e-ay ... you boyfriend is standing right there.

Abby: Yeah, and he might not ask me to marry him if he knows I was hoin' around in the 10th grade ... oops, too late ... he already DIDN'T ask me to marry him so what difference can it possibly make.

Carter: That was all your fault. You made some backhanded comment about my manhood. Then your mother was all up in my biznaz...You see what I did there G, I said "biznaz" instead of business

Gallant: Yeah, I heard that Dr. Carter. That was uh...Entirely inappropriate

Carter: For shizzle my nizzle?

Gallant: Dr. Carter! What the hell did you just say?

Carter: Don't give me that G-Dog.

Abby: Don't listen to him Mikey...Now are we going to play lopsided oreo tonight or not?

Pratt: Baby, your Oreo doesn't have to be lopsided ... bling bling!

Carter: G! I didn't know you saw the bling bling. Check it out... I pried it off my dead grandmother...pretty bitchin' eh?

Luka: Luka can do special things with oreos Ebby....Things you American boys would never understand.

Susan: Did someone say Oreos ... I'm starving ... but then I'm a fat cow because I gained 10 lbs ... so I guess that makes sense.

Abby: Hey bitch...back off my oreos. But you know what's weird? I've been gaining weight lately too.

ChenTramp: Yeah, you stupid nurse ... and it's all in your boobs.

Pratt: Dr C! You pony up the Gs to buy your shorty some new boobs? Nice. Bling bling.

Susan: Maybe you could spring for some new clothes...She's busting out of her shirt. And there's only enough room in this place for my mega-boobies...She gets the hot ass, and I get the mega-boobies...That's how it has been and that's how it will be.

Abby: Whoa, whoa, whoa...Why isn't anyone staring at my ass right now. I look hot. I know I look hot. Don't I look hot?

Luka: Luka thinks you look hot.

Carter: My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun...

Pratt: Baby got back, mm-hmm.

Abby: I guess eating my weight in Godfather's pizza everyday isn't such a bad idea after all.

Dave: So you like Italian, huh Abby? I'm Italian...I bet you like Italian sausage too...

ChenSlut: What the hell are you doing here?

Dave: Just looking for you.

Abby: But you were just hitting on me.

Dave: Please, ladies...There's enough of me to go around.

Carter: Hey Dave, sup?

Dave: Uh...I'm out of here

Weaver: Okay, ladies ... can we break up the stitch and bitch? There are patients waiting ... and my Abby, don't you look ever so lovely in that tight t-shirt that keeps riding up and showing off your oddly rounded belly.

Abby: Thank you, Kerry ... and may I just say that your new dyke-do is most becoming on you. It goes well with your crutch.

Carter: Yo, bi-Atch ... the lesbo doesn't have the bling-bling, if you know what I'm sayin ... you gots to look to the Mac Daddy Carter for that she-it.

Abby: Why'd you have to go and ruin our moment like that Carter? You asshole. I was this close to making out with her...This fucking close!

Carter: I calls 'em as I sees 'em bi-atch.

Susan: How exactly do you see things Carter? Through crystal glasses?

Carter: Don't be stupid...Those are diamonds, not crystals

Susan: How come I never got any diamonds from you, you jackass? The SuperTramp Harper got diamond earrings and you tried to give that tasty bitch ... I mean, randy bitch a diamond ring.

Randi: Did someone call me?

Luka: I thought they said Randy Bitch...that's me. Who the hell do you think you are?

Abby: Who do you think you are wearing that shirt? I'm supposed to be the one busting out of my clothes here.

Randi: Oh, you like my shirt? It's from the new Randiwear collection...I'm working on some new stuff that the little fucker could wear when he breaks loose.

Abby: Little fucker...what little fucker?

Carter: Uh...She was talking about my penis...just like the thing Maggie was making me.

Susan: What? No, she was talking about Abby's ba-

Carter: Bad ass sense of style...word

ChenHo: No, she meant Abby's b-

Carter: Bitchin fashion sense ... what up, Moms?

Eleanor: What am I doing here? This place is filthy. Oh, you're here too. John dear, you are still associating yourself with this piece of trash?

Abby: I know you didn't just dis me.

Kerry: She said John Deere...Are you seeing anyone Mrs. Carter? Because I've got a really cute friend that would think you are great...

Eleanor: Oh really, what is his name? I certainly hope he doesn't work in this establishment.

Kerry: Oh no, she rides John Deeres...

Eleanor: I'm sorry, but she? Rides John Deeres...How disturbing.

Abby: Why is that disturbing...I ride your John Dear too...

Eleanor: John! Is this true?

Carter: Don't get all up in my grill...

Eleanor: Grill? Now John, what have a told you about participating in such bourgoise affairs as cook outs ... that's just so beneath a Carter.

Abby: Yeah, I like to get beneath Carter too ... whichever way he wants really ... it's fine with me ... doggy style, bent over the furniture ... up against a wall ... with me sitting on the counter ... basically, I'm friggin easy.

ChenSlut: Impressive...I'm not even that friggin easy.

Susan: I didn't think any of that was even friggin' possible.

Abby: Dude, we need to hang out more.

Luka: And Luka needs to watch.

Abby: Holy shit, you people need help. Well, I guess we'll have to start having demonstrations ... you wouldn't believe the things we can do with bunch of grapes and some dental floss.

Eleanor: I surely hope that's wax dental floss, Carters have sensitive teeth you know.

Abby: What the hell does the floss have to do with his teeth?

Eleanor: Why, I never!

Lizzie The Shrew: I'm British and even *I've* used floss before. Never used floss, my that's just dreadful.

Abby: So anyway ... look at my ass.

Luka: No, look at Luka's ass. It's foreign. And have you seen the size of my feet? You know what they say about men with big feet...

Carter: They have small brains?

Abby: That must be why yours is so big. But based on my years of experience, I've found nothing to prove that a man's footsize has anything to do with the size of his manhood.

ChenBag: I partly disagree...I think that size of a man's big toe gives some indication as to the penis width.

Susan: I really need to get out more.

Kerry: Do we have to talk about this?

Romano: What's wrong my lesbian friend? Are you threatened by the mention of men's penises? Are you sure your so-called lesbianism isn't merely a fear of the one-eyed snake? I could help you to conquer your fears and be know as the Rocket who got Chicago's biggest dyke to switch teams ... catchy, isn't it?

Susan: Nah, I like "One-armed Bob" better

Luka: How did you know that was Luka's American name for his penis?

Susan: A little birdy told me. But I love a man who names his penis ... what you say you give me a ride with that viper of yours?

Carter: I already told you my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun.

Susan: I wasn't talking to you...I was talking to Luka and Bob.

Carter: But I named my penis after a snake too. Why doesn't anyone want to play with my snake?

Luka: Because you don't drive a car that looks like the male penis.

Abby: Yeah...he drives a Jeep...and *rents* a two bedroom apartment...And kills freezing KIDS...while KIDS are dying...KIDS KIDS KIDS...

Carter: Abby, do you have some sort of weird form of tourette's syndrome?

Abby: Maybe I'm bipolar...just like my KIDS could be...which is why you don't want to love me. But you're too stupid to see past the fact that I really do want you to love me and want you to marry me. But you and your flaccid penis and your limp ring-box didn't even ask me.

Carter: What the hell is wrong with you? You're not bipolar.

Maggie: He's right, dear. I've been watching you since you were a little girl ... you're not bipolar so you should get on with your life ... go to med school

Abby: Screw that.

Maggie: Get married.

Abby: I'd LOVE to ... but a certain PansyAss chickened out.

Maggie: Get pregnant!

Susan: I think she's got that one under control.

Abby: But I never even told you about that.

Susan: I think it's pretty obvious...

Abby: How can it be obvious? It happened years ago.

Susan: I don't think that's possible.

Abby: Sure it was...Richard never even knew about it.

Susan: Richard? What the hell are you talking about?

Abby: What the hell are you talking about.

Susan: I'm talking about the fact that you are pre-

Carter: --paring yourself for a night of gurney-rockin' lovin.

Luka: With Luka.

Susan: You didn't have to tell me, anyway ... the little fucker pops out to say hi every time I enter the room ... if you want to hide that thing, maybe you should get a bigger shirt.

Abby: But if I got a bigger shirt I couldn't show off my mega-boobies.

EvilOrman: There will be no new shirts. There are no mega-boobies. There is no baby. There is, however, a MagicID Badge that will hide anything and everything

Abby: Baby? BABY? Why is this jackass talking about a BABY? This is the ER, not OB ... I don't see any BABIES ... but I like BABIES ... too bad I can't have any BABIES because I'm not meant to be a mother.

Maggie: Of course you can be a mother.

Luka: Luka likes babies...Luka has millions of babies in his pants...Do you want to have a St. Luka baby? Just look into Luka's eyes and Luka will make you a baby.

Carter: Luka's just so dreamy.

Abby: Goddamnit Carter...Why'd you have to look at Luka? Now he cast his seed onto my fertile ground and I've got this weird growth in my stomach.

Susan: Honey, that growth has been in your "stomach" since long before Luka looked at your just now. I don't think he put it there at all.

Luka: Are you questioning the vitality of Luka's sperm?

Abby: Did someone say SPERM?

Susan: How about I test out your sperm, Luka ... we'll see just what kind of vitality it has.

Carter: Besides, Abby ... you've already got all my sperm, you don't need St. Luka's sperm too.

Abby: Haha, everybody said SPERM ... SPERM SPERM SPERM ... SPERM makes BABIES. BABIES BABIES BABIES.

Maggie: That's right dear, you and John the PansyAss should have some children so you can stop drinking and smoking.

Abby: I don't need to be fixed.

Carter: Yeah, she doesn't need to be fixed. And I'm not going to be the one to fix her.

Susan: I had a dog that got fixed once...It was a terrior-mix...Those are the best kind.

Luka: Luka will never be fixed...He must repopulate the world with pretty Luka babies...

Abby: Someone said BABIES!

Susan: Yes...someone did say babies...You...over and over again. So why can't we talk about your ba-

Carter: d hair day...tell me about it Abby, will you just pick a color and go with it?

Abby: I'm blonde...just like my mom. I though you liked blondes Carter...and I thought you liked my mom.

Dave: I like your mom.

Maggie: Why thank you, Dave.

Dave: You know, I've always had this mother-daughter fantasy ... and I've got sperm ... and it works.

Abby: You said SPERM!

Susan: Yeah, just like you keep saying every 5 seconds ...

Abby: Oh! Oooooh ... Carter, my appendix hurts.

Carter: Appendix? What? How do you know its your appendix?

ChenSlut: Yeah really Abby, you're just a nurse. You're not qualified to make that assessment

Abby: Well how else would you explain these intense shooting pains in my lower abdomen?

ChenSlut: You were obviously born with Marfan's and now your widened media-stienum is causing an aortic dissection due to weak connective tissue of the left chamber of the heart.

Susan: Or she ate 12 too many cartons of ice cream for lunch

Abby: It hurts! Someone help me. I need my friend ... my best friend ... where oh where is Tequila Bottle?

EvilOrman: Props! Where is the props guy?

Carter: Props? Who needs props....I'll give you props.

Abby: I'll give fucking props to the first person who gets me flying high on a Demerol IV!

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