Alright, if none of you know about this, this is for the Best PnF Author's Awards. For the current, round, humanusscriptor has asked the remaining fifteen authors (including me) to write a specific one-shot. Mine in particular is going to be about Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz.
Considering that Dr. D is my favorite character of the series alongside Phineas, I should be able to do this without failing miserably. Originally, this was going to be either about Dr. D and his family, or about Dr. D getting together with Linda. I decided to with the Dr. D and his family, with my own twist…I'm writing it in 2nd person (which is something I've never done before).
If I'm gonna do this contest, competition, or whatever this is called, I might as well try something new while doing it. J
WARNING: There will be fourth wall breaking, some bit of adult humor, and mentions of blood.
Okay. Wish me luck, and enjoy! :D
P/F/P/F
Roses Are Red…
"Screw the violets, those are terrible!" - (As said by someone who is allergic to violets)
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Your name is Heinz Doofenshmirtz, and you are eight years old. At this age, some horrible people claimed your family's prized gnomes, leaving you and your loved ones vulnerable to dark magic. To avoid travesties that such a power could cause, they decided that you should be the 'temporary' replacement for the beloved lawn ornaments. You are now a lawn gnome, doomed to watch other kids play for the rest of your middle childhood. You are filled with jealousy and despair.
Despite your odd but sad predicament, you are content. You do not know why, since deep inside you are miserable, as per usual, but you are content. This reason is because you have a family; a family who wishes that you were never born, but a family nonetheless. That said family has been showing that they actually needed you around ever since you became a lawn gnome. Not wanting you, as you've desired for so long, but needing you and that was enough for you in the end.
In fact, the only family member you despise is your little brother Roger, who is loved by both of your parents. He was born during your time of disownment, of which you were raised by loving ocelots. As you see your brother pass by everyday with a smile on his face, you ponder to yourself, "What does he have that I don't?"
Then you conclude that he has everything that you've ever wanted, which is something you can never have. Thinking too deeply on that fact makes you even more miserable than you often are. You want to cry, but lawn gnomes don't cry, so you fight back the tears. You realized the first time you thought so horribly about your brother, that you hated him.
Then there's Only Son. You could hate him completely, but to be honest all you feel is jealousy towards him. He is just a dog, after all. He didn't mean any harm by it. However, Only Son despises you, and had he been at a proper size, he would eat you with impunity.
Several months after you are given this horrid task, you realize that it is almost Mother's Day. Despite how poorly treated you are by both of your parents, you mother was (to a small degree) a little loving to you. Maybe it was more of an over-protectiveness and not love, but you decided to get her something anyway. You decide to get your mother roses, since they are her favorite flower. The only problem is, you are not allowed to move from you spot, otherwise your father will yell in a horrendous voice:
"Bewege dich nicht!"
Afterwards, your father would probably make you do something even more back-wrenching than being a lawn gnome, which wasn't a task that was easy to begin with. The horrors of that happening terrify you to no end. There's also the fact that roses in Gimmelshtump, Drusselstien, are only found in the deep, dark, dangerous forest outside of town, but that doesn't seem to scare you more than what your father could and would do to you. Thus, you will need to think this through strategically. Your only hopes of obtaining the item you seek, is to wait until your family falls into deep slumber.
Until then, you stand as still as a lawn gnome-which is what you are at this point-watching Roger play with his friends, enviously. However, wonderful thoughts dance in your mind. Maybe your mother will finally find favor in you once you complete this task you've given yourself. It wasn't likely, but it was definitely a lovely idea.
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Several hours pass, and you are hungry. Unfortunately, your family is already asleep, and you have no time to waste. Perhaps you will be able to find food in the forest whilst you search for your mother's gift. With your gnome outfit still intact, you set off immediately after you hear your family members snore, being careful not to step on Only Son, who was renamed "Oldest Son" after the birth of Roger, much to your chagrin.
Memories of when you were with your friendly ocelot family flow through your mind as you enter the forest. Sadly, those are the only happy memories that you've ever had. Being born with eidetic memory that would last for the rest of your pathetic lifespan, you remember a lot of things, including the day of your birth. Strangely, your parents never showed up, even though you recall where babies come from.
You recoil at the memory of your father, not telling you, but showing you where babies come from. With two live animals, both of different gender, I kid not. There was blood everywhere. Who shows that kind of thing to a child?!
The point was that there had to be a mother and a father in order to make a baby. Why would neither be present during his birth? Did it just happen and then both parents decided to leave the hospital right after the deed was done? It didn't seem to make much sense, almost making you feel like you were nothing but a cartoonist's creation trapped inside a crystal ball, which kept tilting, causing you misery, making absolutely no sense whatsoever, while other people watched and laughed as if your pain was enjoyable.
You ignore the horrific memories of your birth, and continue to recall the times you've spent with the ocelots. They had welcomed you with open, furry arms. It was in some ways depressing to know that they were considered your true family. But, ever since you returned to you biological family, after an incident that you don't want to remember, you haven't had time to visit them. The only reason why you couldn't visit them now, was because they were on the other side of this forest, and venturing through the woods was as dangerous as is.
Your journey takes you to the far reaches of the forest, passed poison ivy, scary looking trees, and giant Venus fly-traps. Okay, perhaps not Venus fly-traps, since those exist only in rain forests, but you do tip toe pass creatures that would inevitably devour you if they are awaken from their peaceful slumber. In that case, I suppose it's far more dangerous that way. Despite your growing fear slowing you down every step you take, you manage to find the rose bush underneath the beauteous rays of the moon, almost as if an angelic choir of night is within your presence.
You look around the forest behind you, curiously and gingerly. Despite that deepness, darkness, and dangerousness, the woods seem rather peaceful…too peaceful. Perhaps the teenaged voice in his head has grown utterly feeble in the mind. Perhaps she should have stopped writing years ago. Perhaps maybe it's time she should look up a new hobby, before her frothing madness destroys you at your young age of eight.
Do you disagree, Heinz?
"I think this has been a wonderful adventure," you say in a nervous-happy tone as you begin walking toward the rose bush, "And…and not scary at all."
Oh, Heinz…if I were a lesser person, I'd be furious with you. How lucky for us both that you're a favorite of mine.
You begin picking the roses with no equipment, having foolishly forgotten the proper gardening tools. The roses you pick are put in a neat pile, since you have also forgotten to bring a basket. The thorns cut your fingers and hands, but you ignore the pain. One rose, however, seems impossible to pull out. You tug, and you tug, until the stem of the rose snaps. The sudden action causes you to fall over with a short, loud, yelp of shock.
You cover your mouth with one hand while the other holds onto the rose tightly. You sit up, look around you, and sigh in immense relief as you stand back up to dust yourself. You halt as you hear a low growl that sends chills up your spine. You dare to slowly turn to the sound as you hear the rustling of bushes and branches. Out from the darkness, to your own terror, comes a large, black bear, which you have awakened from your scream.
You stand completely still, as if the bear wouldn't be able to see you if you did this. However, this only works for tyrannosaurs rexes, and not for creatures such as the black bear that is looking at you hungrily. You have three choices on the matter. Either you:
1. Continue to stand completely still like an idiot, and give the ferocious beast the chance to eat you.
2. Run for your freaking life!
3. Take out your handy-dandy "Survivor's Guidebook to Survival" to see what you must do to get out of this horrid mess you've gotten yourself into.
"But, I don't have a Survivor's Guidebook to Survival," you bluntly point out, trying to ignore the inevitable demise he was about to face.
Well, then, we can rule out the third option. The first one is completely stupid and an obvious death-wish (which you do not have, nor do you understand at your young age of whatever innocence you have left). So, what do you suppose the proper thing to do is?
Your answer comes out as a blood curdling scream. You bolt for it, taking the single rose that, ironically, caused you this strife in the first place, all while leaving the rest of the roses behind.
Smart boy, you are, Heinz Doofenshmirtz.
The black bear chases after you, growling loudly and madly. This causes several other animals to chase after you, each wanting to chew on your flesh. You scream some more. Oh, the things you do for the love of your family.
Your life appears to be flashing before your eyes as you flee. You remember your birth, the time your father replaced you with Only Son, the time your family abandoned you, your time with your ocelot family, and other memories that flock into your brain. Your terrible life is all that you have with you now, other than your own life, which is hanging in the balance, and the rose in your hand. You call for help, but alas, who comes into a dark forest at night unless they are completely mad?
But providence seems to be smiling upon you. As it turns out, you ran passed a tall, climbable tree, and immediately made your way up, using the branches as leverage. You look down to see the ruthless beasts trying hard to go after you, only to fail miserably. It is a miracle, probably, since you're a terrible climber of anything, including trees.
"Is it over now," you ask pleadingly.
Unfortunately for you, the pain that exists for you continues even after the events of this story.
"Great…" you grumble, sarcasm dripping from your mouth.
As you speak, you hear a cracking noise. You realize that the amount of animals trying to climb up the tree, somehow way more than the said plant. The weight of the animals is causing the tree to fall, much to your dismay. Not having much of an option, you hang onto a branch with your arms and legs, and allow gravity to take action.
The fall scares off most of the animals, leaving the black bear to deal with you. As you close your eyes tightly, the tree lands with a thump. You realize then that the grasp of death has missed you. You sigh in relief, until you notice the bear charging at you. You run and scream some more.
This process almost completely repeats itself for a few hours, until the bear gives up the chase, and goes home. You fall over, panting heavily. You look at the rose in your hand that is now ruined from the running and falling. You think about going back to the pile of roses back at the bush you found, but then realize that it's almost sunrise. You take all the fallen petals you can find, and along with the remains of the rose, you run back home, more specifically to the shed.
You try several tools to try to fix the rose, but all end in failure. You start to panic, since you know very well that no one is allowed in your father's shed, and that you know that you are running out of time. That is when you notice a bottle of glue on the top shelf. You begin climbing up the shelf, but as I've said before, you are a terrible climber. You clumsily cause the shelves to break, causing you to fall, as well as other objects, including the bottle of glue.
"Hooray," you whisper cheerfully.
Grabbing the bottle and going back over to the table you left the broken flower on, you get to work.
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You awaken, lifting your head from the table. You look to see your gift, the withered rose, is now glued back together. It looks hideous, but you pray that your mother will accept the gift with love. You sharply take in breath as you remember where you are. You run out of your father's shed, a wave of panic filling you.
Time was nonrefundable. The reaper sharpens his tool for the harvest, indifferent as the sun, which rises and sets each day as if the creatures below are but meaningless tribute to its majestic nature. The said star signaled that it was nearly time for Heinz's family to wake up. You are, more or less, troubled.
You head to the front of the house, where you're normally supposed to be. You stand like a statue, holding your mother's gift tightly in your grasp. An hour passes, and you pray that all will be well. Your brother enters the scene, much to your disgruntlement. Roger is about to go find his friends, when he turns and stares at you in a peculiar fashion, making you feel uncomfortable.
"Heinz," Roger began carefully, "Why are you all muddy?"
It then struck you in a horrified manner. You fool! You have forgotten to clean yourself up! Did you expect yourself to be clean after your adventures in the forest?
"Shut up!" You yell, angrily.
Roger winces. "Uh…who are you talking to," he asks.
I should probably mention that I can only communicate with you, Heinz. I could care less about what knowledge of my existence the other characters retain. You probably should direct to a different conversation, lest you look like a total maniac.
"Roger, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I need your help," you say, in desperation, "I went to the woods-"
"You went to the woods," Roger interrupts, "You're going to be in so much trouble when mother and father find out!"
"Yes, I know that, that's why I need your help," You continue exasperatedly, "I went into the woods to get mother a gift for mother's day,"-Roger looks at your gift, slightly disgusted-"I got chased by these wild animals, and a bear, and, and, I need to get myself cleaned up! What am I gonna do?!"
A pregnant silence rules the moment. Roger blinks. "You do realize that Mother's Day is three days from now, right?" he asks.
You twitch. "THAT'S NOT THE POINT!"
"Heinz!"
You flinch. You slowly turn to see your father and mother, glaring at you. You give a cheesy grin, looking to see that your brother has run off. You think of him as an utter coward at this point. You are now filled with fear and contempt.
"Uh…hi…mother…father…"
They do not answer verbally, but their eyes say enough. They are pissed off beyond reason. You are screwed, Heinz Doofenshmirtz. You might as well offer your mother your gift, as a means of appeasing her anger at least.
You do as I suggest. You truly are a fool, aren't you?
"Huh?"
"Bewege dich nicht!"
You flinch, and then immediately standing like a statue once more. You feel like crying, but once again, fight back tears.
"I hate you," he mutters.
Oh. That was directed to me, wasn't it? I laugh at your misery, Heinz Doofenshmirtz. But, look on the bright side: Perhaps one day, you will have some bliss in your life other than ocelots. Not likely, but it is a lovely idea.
And thus, we conclude this story. You remain in an undesirable state, thanks to the neglect of your horrible family. But, you are still needed by them, are you not? And that is all that matters, to you anyway.
The End
A/N:
Words: 2,793 (not including Author's Notes)
Pages: 7 (Again, not including Author's Notes)
I feel bad that I gave Doofy a terrible ending, but, it had to be done. His parents are terrible. -_-
Anyways, I had a lot of fun writing this! I have never written something in 2nd person before, and it was rather enjoyable to write it like that! XD
And, no, I am not allergic to violets. I just added that to be funny. :3
I hope you all enjoyed! :D Have a pleasant evening!