A/N: So, here is my sad, but, had to get it out take on Alex's SVU appearance. The quick way she answered "He moved on" when asked about Goren, coupled with last scene in the bar with Benson, led me to believe our Alex was hurt by Goren's departure. Sorry, I usually like to ship them in a happy way, but I guess I'm just in a sad mood. Don't throw anything. I still love them together and just needed to get rid of some angst.
The Second Time
Life can be cruel in many ways, sometimes; maybe, it's the luck of the draw. Boys and then men have broken her up with, at various stages of her life. Men come and go, but….. But. But what? Maybe. So, she has been broken up many times. But she has only been 'left' twice.
The first time, was horrible. And out of her control. And his. She married a man she believed she would be with forever. One who would never leave her. And, he probably wouldn't have, had he lived. Some days, she's not sure how she feels about that. The problem with a young marriage is that in many ways, it's not real. Yes, they took vows, and yes, fought over bills, and children (when to have them) and friends and family and all the things a young couple fights over. Money is tight….'don't throw your towels on the floor.' "Did you spend all this on shoes?". "Why can't we have dinner with my parents this weekend…" and on and on. But really, it was young and ideal. They were young. No real, horrible life or death issues entered their lives. Before his, that is. After he died, she was left with a broken heart, and a closet of clothes. A small pension, stacks and stacks of photos that she cried over and placed in box she labeled "someday" along with his badge, his watch and his passport (she can't remember why his passport, but she's sure it had meaning at the time). What else was in that box? She couldn't remember. She remembers calling is "someday" because she knew someday she would be able to look at the photos without crying.
And, he left her mountains of paperwork that took months and months to sort out.
Even now, fourteen years later, there are reminders of him here and there. She was finally able to go through the "someday" box. But it's not quite as painful.
Because, when he left, he had no choice.
The second time she was "left" was as unexpected as the first time. But this time, he left her by choice. He brought it up, so non-chalantly over dinner one night, after a case. "I think I'm going to take some time. Sort things out". She looked up at him expectant as to what he was thinking. A sabbatical? A vacation? Would he ask her to come? But then. "I'm moving to Michigan. To be near family. Indefinitely."
And before she could say anything, he put his hand over hers and leaned in. "I want you to know, this has nothing to do with you. I just need…a fresh start". "Gyson says….." She remembers that he continued to ramble on in that way he has, stammering and sort of apologizing, but resolute in his decision. She knows they stood up, left dinner, and worked through the next four weeks without much discord and slightly detached. What, she wondered, bothered her so much? But her sister knew. "It was when he said 'It has nothing to do with you.'" Ah…she thought. So there it is. That's it. It has nothing to do with her. How can that be? She thought, for the past year, that they had been moving closer to something. It was there all the time. The air crackled around them. And she knew he felt it too. But not enough. Because his decision had nothing to do with her. In other words, she didn't matter quite enough for him to stay. Or ask her to come. Or even seem to feel bad about it.
This time, the second time she was left, she didn't have a "someday" box. He had broken no vows, left her no pension, no paperwork. What he left her with was a new phone number, an address, keys to his apartment for her to give the realtor, and a promise elicited from her to him that she would come visit. A promise, that right now, she has no intention of keeping.
Oh, wait. Yes, he did leave her something else. The inability to stay in a job she loved so much. She simply couldn't bear to be there without him.
The everyday pain has not lessened. She knows she could pick up the phone and talk to him whenever she wants. And she wants. Oh, does she want. But she won't. Detective Olivia Benson hit the nail on the head last night over drinks. Alex had said, "We spent so much time together, it's like we were married."
"But you weren't."
Words have never been truer.
It's been almost seven months now. She doesn't return his calls, (and they seem to come in spurts). She doesn't want to hear his voice, or see his face, or do any of the things she can do, things she couldn't do (but wanted to) when Joe left.
No. There are no similarities between the first and second times she was left.
The second time hurts so much more.