Insecurities: Keller

She wasn't beautiful like Iliana was beautiful. She wasn't good like Iliana was good. She wasn't Iliana and she could honestly say she hated herself for that.

Keller twitched nervously when Galen took a seat on her left. His arm came to rest gently around her shoulders.

"Something wrong, Keller?" he asked, squeezing her shoulder lightly.

Knowing that he knew she was being insecure did not stop her from covering it up and lying through her teeth.

"No, I'm just thinking," she stated.

"I see," he leaned in close to her, burying his face in her hair. "I missed you today."

Keller shivered at the honesty in his voice. "I missed you, too."

Galen pulled back suddenly. "I heard you were asked to go with the Wild Powers."

She nodded. "I haven't decided if I'm going or not."

It didn't have to be said why. Galen knew he wasn't going and while Keller didn't want to be away from him, she would be lying if she said she didn't feel responsible for Iliana, her blood sister.

"I think," Galen said, "you need to go with them." He must've felt her stiffen because he hastily started to continue. "Because…" Keller cut him off.

"You're right." She tried to keep the bitterness from her voice. "Winnie and Nissa are going, Iliana wants me to go, their short on experienced guards, and the Wild Powers need me."

She stood. Galen stood with her. She moved toward the door.

"Keller…" she stopped more from his voice than the hand he had placed on her shoulder.

"Yeah?" it came out weak, like she was afraid to hear what he had to say… which wasn't that far from the truth.

"Don't ever make the mistake of thinking I want you to leave. I can think of very few things that I would dislike more. But the world needs you. I can't be greedy."

Keller nodded. She forced herself to believe him as she slipped out the door so she wouldn't be compelled to turn around and beg.

She found Thierry and told him of her acceptance. He had smiled sympathetically at her and gave his thanks.

"Iliana will be happy to have her blood sister with her. I'm glad you're going, Iliana really does need you. You should go and tell her."

Keller nodded. She left the room intending to go and do just that. She was diverted from her course by voices in the hallway. Jez and Morgead. She saw the final bit of the exchange and feeling compelled to try and help their relationship, before they ended up like her and Galen, she went to talk to Jez.

The conversation with Jez left her feeling very much like she had just spoken to herself. Jez had given her all of the answers she would have likely given herself had someone spoken to her on the subject. Because being soul mates was not easy. As Jez had mentioned, 'Soul mates aren't all rainbows and kisses'. It was truer than Keller would ever want to admit.

Back on her mission she headed into Iliana's room.

"Hey, Keller!" Iliana said, smiling brightly. "What's up?"

"I thought I should be the first to tell you that I'm going with you, wherever the heck they're taking us."

"Really? Awesome! I didn't want to be separated from you!" Keller smiled a little at this. Iliana went straight into what they would get to do together and suddenly she stopped. "You don't look as thrilled about this as I feel you ought to be."

"I don't feel as thrilled as I ought to be," Keller sighted. "Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we're going together, but…"

Iliana's face lit up with realization. "Oh! Oh. Oh… Galen isn't coming, is he?" Keller shook her head. "Then why didn't you say 'no'?"

Iliana understood, Keller realized.

"Because, he told me I should go."

"Oh, Keller," Iliana lamented, throwing her arms around the black haired girl's shoulders. "I'm so sorry!"

Because, of course, Iliana understood this, as well.

"It'll be okay!" Iliana insisted, still not releasing Keller. "I'm sure he didn't mean it the way it sounded!"

Keller sighed. "Iliana, you are my blood sister and I love you. You are good and kind and beautiful." She paused. "But when you say things like that I find it very difficult to believe you. It sounds like you're trying to convince me of something that doesn't exit."

"You didn't see his face when he thought you were dead, Keller. I know… I know that you still look at me and remember that it was me Galen was supposed to love. But he doesn't, I see how he looks at you when he thinks no one is watching."

"Then why… why is it that he told me to leave? Why didn't he ask me to stay with him?"

"Because… I suppose he doesn't want to hold you back from what you ought to do with what he wants you to do."

Keller stared hard at the ground. "I feel really stupid, you know? Ash left his soul mate and he's obsessed with her. And I bet she wonders sometimes, too. I don't want to be away from Galen. I want to stay here."

"For goodness sake, Keller! Don't tell that to me. Tell Galen or, better yet, tell Thierry so he can get you off of the list!"

"I said I didn't want to," Keller responded. "I'm still going."

"But why?"

"You know why, Iliana. I brought you into this mess and I'll bring you out alive if it's the last thing I do."

"Why do you worry so much about my happiness and so little about your own?"

"Because, you're good and kind and beautiful. You deserve to be happy. I'm not like you. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve Galen."

"Galen would be heartbroken to hear you say that, I think."

"I can't help it that I see things that clearly."

"And I can't help that you're so incredibly blind! Galen looks at you like you're that only light on a treacherous path!"

A teardrop hit the floor. Keller was surprised to find she was crying. "That's because Galen is like you." And then she left, fervently wishing that Galen had loved Iliana instead. The she would've never felt this horrific pain.

Maybe she could pretend nothing had happened again. She might be able to up and convince herself that nothing had happened between them. And then maybe she could be complete on her own again.