Authors Note: I love Damon. I think he is one of the best characters on Vampire Diaries, and one of the most misunderstood. And obviously I am a Dalena shipper. This story takes place around the first of the season obviously, a couple of weeks after Damon "kills" Jeremy.
Disclaimer: I own nothing Vampire Diaries related and mean no infringement on anyone.
Read and Review please!
Elena lay back on her pillow, the cool fabric of the pillowcase caressing her heated skin, her eyes sliding shut. She groaned, her brow furrowing as images flooded her mind. She growled and pushed herself up into a sitting position.
Images of Damon, his tortured face as she pushed him away haunted her and had been haunting her since the night he'd confronted her in her room. She watched over and over as he snapped Jeremy's neck. She heard the thick crack echo in her ears, heard her own cries of anguish as she watched her brother slump to the floor. The waking nightmare taunted her from the recesses of her mind.
Elena ran her hands through her hair irritably, shaking her head in an attempt to exorcise the images and the thoughts associated with them. She angrily arranged her pillows, laying back on them without making an attempt at sleep again.
She hated Damon for the choices that he'd made, for taking their friendship and ripping it shreds. But she also hated herself, and that was really what was at the root of all the nightmares and errant thoughts.
Damon had wakened something in her that she didn't want to face, he'd come to her heart in hand and had forced a realization on her that she hadn't been ready for. She did feel something for him, more than she ever wanted to admit to. He wasn't just her friend, and they both knew it.
Damon took a deep breath, his eyes searching the cool night sky for some kind of sign. He'd hurt her, more deeply than he'd ever imagined he could, and he didn't know how to fix it. She was the one person who had always accepted him for who he was, the only friend he'd ever truly had, and he had thrown it all away in one moment of blind torment. It was one moment that he would give anything to take back, and it was the one moment that he'd never be able to fix.
She'd said they could never be friends again, words that had hurt him more than he'd ever admit. But there was this part of him, this small defiant part of him, that wouldn't believe those agonizing words, a part that still held out hope that maybe one day things would be okay between them again.
"Damon," her voice gasped, her heart beating quickly in her chest, surprise making her blood pound thickly in her veins, the sound making his eyes slide shut for just a fraction of a second. There was a part of him that wanted to open her veins, to feel her sweet hot blood trickle down his throat, a part of him that craved her blood like humans needed air. The pull of her was sometimes more than he could bear. But with every passing day that she was in his life that part got smaller and smaller. He turned around to find Elena standing on the sidewalk glaring at him accusingly. "What are you doing here?" She asked, her eyebrows furrowed as she stared at him.
Damon sighed. No matter what he said there was always going to be some evil motive lurking behind everything he did. He had Stefan to thank for planting that idea in her head. He sighed again. If he was completely honest it was also slightly possible that he hadn't always given her a reason to trust him. "I was just standing here waiting for you to show up so that I could spring my inevitably evil plan on you," he said with a small quirk of a smile. Elena just crossed her arms in front of her body, her face an impassive mask of stone.
Damon sighed. "Couldn't sleep, thought I'd go for a walk. What are you doing out so late? Shouldn't you be all tucked in tight with dreams of Saint Stefan prancing through your head?" He asked, the last part coming out a little bitterer than he'd intended. Elena didn't speak, continuing to stare at him in stony silence instead.
He shrugged and turned away, intending to leave her alone. But there was this nagging part of him, the humanity that she had nurtured in him, that wouldn't let him leave her alone in the middle of the night where anything could happen to her. If something did happen he'd never forgive himself for walking away.
He growled quietly and turned back, motioning with his hands as though waving a herd of cattle into their pen. "Let's go," Damon said walking towards her. "I'll walk you home. You shouldn't be out here by yourself."
Elena jerked back from him before he could touch her. "What makes you think I would go anywhere with you?" She asked, her eyes shooting daggers at him.
Damon smiled sweetly at her, her animosity towards him like razors across his skin. "Well sweetheart, you really have no choice," he said advancing on her.
"Want to bet?" She asked dancing back from him again.
His smile grew thin, his patience following suit. "I'd think very carefully if I were you. I can have you very easily submissive within a matter of seconds. Long before you can put into motion anything in that crafty little mind of yours." He sighed when her eyes widened and her heart sped with fear.
"Relax," Damon said wearily holding up his hands in a surrendering gesture. "I just want to make sure you're home safely. I won't stick around any longer than necessary, believe me. Stefan would never forgive me if I left you alone in the middle of the night where God knows what could happen to you."
"Fine," Elena said grudgingly as she turned around and started walking towards her house. They walked in silence for several seconds, Damon easily matching her stride. She stopped and turned on him, her face a storm of emotions.
"I want to know why," she bit out angrily.
Damon just stared at her for several moments before speaking. "Why what?" He asked.
"Why kill Jeremy?" She asked, her teeth grinding together as she said the words. Tears misted her eyes and she swallowed them painfully. "Why Damon?"
Damon had known it would come, the time to explain, and it was what he had dreaded the most. His explanation wouldn't help anyone, least of all him, but he knew that he owed her at least that much. She had helped him on more occasions than he cared to think about, hell she'd even managed to save his life once or twice. An explanation was the very least he owed her.
He took a deep breath, his heart already receding deeper, sheltering itself from the emotional punishment it was about to take. "I had just had a run in with Katherine. She said some…" he swallowed thickly, amazed that the words were so hard to speak. "And then you… I was hurt Elena. I lashed out," he said, pulling his eyes away from her, from the hatred that burned in her eyes. "I'm not asking for your forgiveness. I don't expect it." Damon took a deep breath before continuing.
"I wish to God that I hadn't hurt Jeremy, or you. If I could take it back I would. I am so sorry Elena. And… I don't expect that to mean anything to you. But it's the truth. And that's all I can give you." Damon felt like he was suffocating, the air that he didn't need to breathe was coming in ragged breaths. He blurred closer, picking her up and moved as quickly as he could across the little distance that was left to her front porch. He sat her down on her feet and pulled back quickly.
"I am sorry," he said, his eyes holding hers for a brief second before he turned and moved with supernatural speed away from her.
Elena couldn't get his words out of her head. She couldn't stop seeing his tormented eyes in her mind. She'd thought that once she'd heard his explanation it would be easier to hate him, to move past the feelings that were getting harder to deny. But if anything hearing his heartfelt apology and seeing the pain in his eyes made the feelings rise that much quicker.
Elena sat in her biology class only half listening as her teacher was talking endlessly about mitosis. She felt Stefan's eyes on her, could feel his concern flow off him in waves. He was being extremely sweet and caring, and it was irritating the hell out of her.
The bell rang after what seemed like an eternity and she moved with tired apathy. Elena hadn't mentioned her late night run in with Damon to Stefan, knowing that it would only spark something between them that would confuse an already complicated situation. "Is everything okay?" Stefan asked coming to her side and gathering her books for her. She had to stop herself from groaning with frustration.
"I'm fine Stefan," she said pulling her books from his hands. "I've just got a lot on my mind right now." Stefan followed her as she walked out of the classroom and joined the crowd of students in the hallway.
"Anything I can help with?" He asked shoving his hands into his pocket and giving her a sympathetic look. Elena barely fought the urge to roll her eyes. She wanted to curse him for coming to Mystic Falls, for being a vampire, for loving her, for bringing Damon into her life. But instead she took a deep breath and pasted a fake smile on her lips.
"Thank you," she said flashing him a smile. "But it's nothing I can't handle."
Damon sat unmoving on the couch, his favorite drink untouched in his hand, idly watching the shifting shadows of the room. For the first time in more years than he cared to admit he was beginning to feel, to care. He couldn't stop thinking about Elena and what he had done. He couldn't stop feeling the guilt. It was gnawing away inside of him and he just wanted it to stop. He wanted to stop feeling anything, to be free from the constant ache in his heart. He had to get out now, leave this place before it was too late.
"What the hell is this?" Her voice echoed through the room, a stark contrast to the silent reverie that had enveloped him. He turned to glance in her direction. She was staring at his bags, the look on her face going from shock to fury in two seconds flat. "Were you even going to say goodbye?" She demanded sharply, her eyes locking with his.
He turned away from her, throwing back his drink, downing it in one gulp. "No," he answered quietly. He felt her approach as she moved closer to him. He wanted to pull back from her, to get as far away from her as possible. But the temptation to be near her just a little while longer was too overpowering.
"Why?" Elena asked him, her eyes searching his face.
"You keep asking me that," Damon said with a small sad smile.
"Damon," she said, touching his arm gently. The warmth of her hand through the fabric of his sleeve felt like holding his hand in the fire, and unknowable torment, and even still a welcome change in the coldness that otherwise gripped his life.
"What difference does it make?" He asked her, pulling his arm out of her grasp, the sudden wave of longing too much to bear. "I've done things, things that have changed everything. And no matter how much I want to, no matter how much I regret…" He swallowed roughly, his eyes searching hers. "I can't fix this."
"So you're just going to run away?" She asked incredulously, shaking her head. "Things get bad so you're just giving up?"
"It's not that simple," he said turning away from her.
"Actually it is Damon," she said following him.
He whirled on her causing her to stumble as she collided with his body. He reached out and grabbed her, steadying her on her feet. "You expect me to just stick around here, knowing things will never be the same between us? You know how I feel about you. And you expect me to sit here and watch from a distance as you and Stefan live happily ever after?" He asked harshly, his grip on her shoulders tightening as he shook her gently. He dropped his hands, letting her stumble away from him. "I knew that you hated me Elena, but I never thought you were capable of torture."
Elena looked at him as though he had punched her in the stomach. Damon felt a pang in his chest and sighed deeply. "Look, it's better for everyone if I leave. It's better for you," he said softly, trying to gentle his previous words. He needed to go, to get out and put some distance between them. But he couldn't make himself move.
"No. You don't get to make that decision for me. If you walk away it's for you," Elena said hugging herself, tears running silently down her cheeks. Damon wanted to go to her, to soothe the ache that he had caused, to dry her tears. It took all his strength to stand his ground as her liquid eyes held his.
"I don't hate you Damon," she admitted, the words soft and hesitant, like she hadn't really meant to say them out loud but hadn't quite been able to stop herself. "I never have."
Elena moved to sit on the edge of the couch, pulling her eyes away from his and staring instead at the flames in the fireplace. "That night," she began, her voice quivering with emotion, her eyes stubbornly fixed on the fire. "The things you said scared me. I didn't want to admit the truth, I've been fighting it for such a long time." Elena raised her gaze to meet his.
"Elena," Damon began, walking over to stand in front of where she sat on the couch. She reached out and took his hand hesitantly. Her touch felt like a jolt of electricity had surged through him. She pulled on his hand, urging him to sit next to her. She gripped his hand in hers, waiting until he was seated next to her before she began talking again.
"When I first met you, there was this instant connection between us, and that had never happened with anyone before. I felt this immediate draw towards you," Elena said, her hand still cradling his gently. "Then as we got to know each other I began to feel it even stronger." Damon watched her profile, her face turned back to the fire, its light casting deep shadows on her face as she spoke.
"I was so afraid Damon, afraid of what I felt, of what it meant. I'm still afraid," she admitted looking up at him, her eyes holding his in place.
Damon reached out hesitantly, his fingers gently brushing the hair away from her face. She turned towards him, her eyes finding his instantly. He traced the curve of her face lightly, his fingers stroking her soft skin reverently. Elena leaned into his caress, her eyes sliding shut. He leaned in to kiss her, his lips hovering inches from hers. "I love you," Damon whispered, his lips gently touching hers.
Elena pulled back as though stung. "Damon, we can't," she started to say, her head shaking as she spoke.
"Damn it," he swore, pulling away from her and getting to his feet. "I can't keep doing this Elena," he growled, his face twisted with pain. "Everyday is filled with merciless torment, being near you and still so far away from where I want to be," Damon said, his voice choked.
"Every time I see you and my brother together it's like being burned from the inside out. I love you Elena, like I've never loved anyone in my entire life. But I can't keep staying here, living like this. I can't be the one you run to secretly, the one who is always waiting in the shadows."
Elena felt like she had been stabbed, her heart twisting painfully in her chest. She'd never meant to hurt him, hadn't really believed she was capable of it. But she could see how wrong she was now, how much she had hurt him.
"It only takes one, Elena, just one person in your life to turn it all around. To make you see what's been missing in your life. You are my one, the only one who has ever seen the real me. The only one who has ever bothered to look deeper. You make my world a better place Elena. You make me better," Damon said holding her eyes with his.
Elena swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat. "Damon… I just… I need a little time to think," she said softly, her eyes never leaving his.
Damon nodded as Elena got to her feet. "I can wait. For a little while," he said turning away from her. He studied the flames in silence as she made her way to the door. He stood silently watching the fire for a few seconds. "You can come out now," Damon said turning to take in the scowling face his brother.
Elena sat curled up on the window seat, her journal open on her lap, the empty pages staring up at her mockingly. She gave up on trying to write, her eyes moving from the blank pages of her journal to the seemingly perfect night that had blanketed Mystic Falls. Her thoughts were spinning out of control as she stared at the passing motorists who passed through her field of vision. She'd been replaying her conversation with Damon for a week now; she kept seeing his face, his words echoing in her head even when she slept.
She growled in frustration and threw her journal across the room. She heard a chuckle and whirled to face the sound. Damon stood framed in the doorway, the shadows playing perfectly across his face, the light glinting in his eyes as his lips quirked in a half smile.
"Damon, what are you doing here?" Elena asked with a sigh, running her hand self consciously through her hair. "I told you I needed time."
Damon came into the room and sat across from her on the window seat. "I know, waiting has never been my strong suit," he told her, his smile holding the tinge of the self-loathing that always lurked beneath the surface of his deceptively impenetrable bravado. "I've waited as long as I can," he said holding her eyes with his. She held his gaze for several silent moments.
"What do you want from me Damon?" She questioned. "I don't know what to do. No matter what I choose I hurt someone," she said miserably, pulling her eyes from his and staring out the window.
"I want you to decide Elena, once and for all. I want you to tell me how you feel. I want you to stop running, to stop hiding," Damon said getting to his feet.
He walked to the door, stopping with his hand on the doorknob, he glanced over his shoulder. "I'm leaving town at the end of the week. If I don't hear from you by then I'll know your answer," he said quietly before walking out the door.
Elena watched him go, her heart twisting painfully in her chest. She felt tears prickle her eyes and didn't try and stop them as they fell down her cheeks. She didn't have a choice to make, she'd already made it. The only thing left now was to deal with the consequences.
He stood in his room, his heart breaking more with each passing second. He glanced around at the familiar atmosphere, his heart wrenching painfully at the memories each sight brought to life.
He felt her presence before she spoke, the simple act of being near her set his skin alight with awareness. He turned to face her, his heart heavy in his chest. "Hello Elena," Stefan said, his heart breaking as he took in the expression on her face.
"Stefan," she began, moving towards him.
"Stop," he whispered, holding out his hands defensively in front of him to stop her approach a sad smile forming on his lips.
"I…" Elena said, tears forming in her eyes.
"Don't," he said, his voice strained and tears coming to his eyes. "I know what you're here to say and I can't…. I can't hear it," he said, his face twisted with pain. "I could see it, from the beginning, what was happening with you. I just didn't want to believe it. All I have ever wanted was for you to be happy," Stefan whispered as tears began to fall down his face. "And if letting you go is what it takes, that's what I'll do."
Elena took a step forward, wanting more than anything to soothe the pain she had caused him. Stefan recoiled from her as though stabbed by a hot iron. "I'll always love you Elena," he said before disappearing from the room.
"I thought I knew what I wanted in my life," she spoke, breaking the silence of the room. Damon turned slowly, setting his drink down on the table. He tried to steady himself, to brace himself for the blow he knew had to be coming.
He'd never really believed she would choose him. No one had ever chosen him above his sainted brother, not even their own parents. Damon pushed the old hurt aside, pretending like it had never been there at all, and focused on Elena and her potential to shatter his world.
"Then you showed up, and everything went to hell. You made me feel things," she said walking towards him, her eyes holding his. "That I never knew I was capable of feeling. I'm tired of running, tired of fighting what I want. Tired of always doing what everyone else wants." Elena's breath caught in her throat as he closed the distance between them in the blink of an eye.
"I want you Damon," she said, a shiver cascading through her, her skin alight with fireworks of sensation as his arms closed around her and pulled her to him in one swift move. "I love you," she whispered, moving her hand up to gently caress his face.
Elena brought her other hand up to frame his face, her eyes searching his. "I thought I had everything I needed in my life. But I was wrong, I was so wrong Damon. I didn't realize it until I felt your arms around me, holding me close. I always felt something missing in my life, but I didn't know what it was, now I do. You, Damon. You were what was missing. I needed you," she whispered, her eyes never leaving his.
She felt him shudder against her and wrapped her arms around his neck settling her body against him.
Damon lowered his lips to hers slowly, giving her time to pull away from him, to change her mind. Each slow inch was like a torture he had never experienced before.
Elena groaned, the slow pace of his advance driving her past all points of patience, and pulled his lips down to meet hers. The contact was unimaginably stunning, sending sparks of electricity jolting through her body, bringing parts of her to life that she hadn't even known were damaged.
Damon felt something inside him shift, a part of him that had been dormant for far too long. He grabbed her face in his hands, increasing the pressure of the kiss, all thoughts of anything else burned from his mind as he gave into the sensation of her, being surrounded by her, loved by her. After centuries of feeling dead inside, incomplete, Damon Salvatore finally knew what it was to be whole again.
THE END