Disclaimers: They're not mine, but I promise I'll have them back by midnight.

A/N: All mistakes and British spellings are mine.

This has been bouncing around in my head for a weeks. I know it's short (the second part will probably be short too) but that's just how it came out. Hope someone enjoys it.

Healthy

This isn't healthy. It never was. In no way could our relationship ever have been defined as healthy. Pity I found that out after I fell for her.

She used me. Plain and simple. And once again, I was so fucking stupid that I let it happen.

We may not have put a definition on our relationship. But I foolishly assumed we were more than fuck buddies. Fuck buddies don't talk afterwards. They don't laugh together. They're not there for each other when things get rough. They don't fall asleep in each others arms. Or so I thought.

I admit, our relationship was very physical. But aren't new relationships meant to be like that? Aren't you meant to be overcome with desire? So I put it down to that. I was even happy about it. I finally had her and it seemed she was happy too. How fucking stupid was I?

We even went on dates. Okay, it wasn't fancy restaurants and things like that. And half of the time it was just a prelude to the dessert we couldn't wait to get home for. But it was still dates. Dates that she acted like she wanted to be on. When she was just stringing me along.

So I made the stupid, fucked up mistake of thinking I meant something to her. That I wasn't just a quick fuck she used to pass the time. Someone to work off the tension with until something better came along. Once again, wrong, Sidle.

And god when she touched me. Sure I've had great sex before, but being with her is like nothing I've ever felt. She's gentle and giving, yet passionate and intense. I lost myself completely when she touched me. And making love to her was beyond anything I'd ever imagined.

I know she was there too. That she enjoyed it as much as me. I thought that it was me she wanted. Not just someone in her bed. Nice to know I'm a good fuck, if nothing else.

We could have been so good together. I would have done just about anything to make her happy. I always thought she deserved someone who wanted her for herself. Wanted to make her happy just because they loved her.

Now? Now I think she's a heartless bitch.

I can't even bring myself to speak to her now. Can't look at her. Don't want to think about her. I wish I'd never met her.

It's my fault anyway. Why did I have to tell her I loved her?

Because I'm a fuck up that's why. A useless fuck up. And let's face it; she could have anyone she wants. Why would she want a fuck up like me? Nobody has before.

God, I bet she laughed to herself when I told her I loved her. Wondered how on earth I could think I meant something to someone like her. I bet she decided right there and then that it was time to move on.

So she broke up with me. Or rather I broke up with her. But then I found out I wasn't enough for her anyway, she was screwing around. I caught her kissing her latest boy toy. In her office no less. She couldn't even be bothered to be discreet. So I broke up with her.

She tried to talk to me about it but I didn't want to listen. Like I haven't let her fuck with me enough. After a week or so she gave up. Lost interest. But then why wouldn't she? I was just an easy fuck to her anyway.

A point she proved a week later when she started parading around the lab with the same guy I caught her kissing. I threw up the first time he came to pick her up from work. Then I went out and drank myself stupid.

See, yet more proof that I'm a total fuck up.

Tonight he was taking her out. It's their second date. She got changed in the locker room. Didn't care if I saw. I wanted to throw up. I guess it's fancy restaurants for him because she sure looked the part. He must mean something to her. Unlike me.

So here I am. Sat in my apartment with a bottle of Jack Daniel's. Trying to forget how she looked kissing him. How she smiled when he opened the car door for her. That was my fucking smile. She should be kissing me. Fuck him, and fuck her. He's welcome to her.

Maybe if I drink enough I'll convince myself I actually mean that. Maybe if I drink enough I'll forget how much I'm hurting.

Let's find out shall we.

I'm just about to cause myself some nice liver damage when I hear a knock on my front door.

I don't care who it is. They can fuck off. I have all the company I need tonight.

"Sara, I know you're in there. You might as well open the door, because I'm not leaving until you do."

Catherine? Fuck that woman's got some nerve. I've stayed the hell away from her since this happened. You'd think she'd have got the message.

Taking another mouthful of JD I get to my feet and head in the opposite direction of the to the door. I'm going to ignore her. Let her suffer, just like I am.

"Grow the fuck up and open this door Sidle."

Oh that's it. She just earned herself an argument. It's about time I got a few things off my chest.

I practically throw the door of its hinges when I get to it.

"What the fuck do you want?"

Thanks for reading.

Sam