Warning: Contains major spoilers.
Do not read if you have not finished book 8 of Godchild

All of my memories keep you near, in silent moments, imagine you'd be here
All of my memories keep you near, in silent whispers, silent tears

I guess I should start by saying I'm sorry. Sorry to you and sorry to me. I'm sorry for the life you had to live and for the life I am ending tonight. No one deserves to feel so much pain for so long a time, and no one deserves the nightmares that we've endured. It's finally time for all of this to end. I'm sorry, Jizabel. It was never meant to hurt this much.

The London skyline lies stretched beneath the tips of my toes. Tower Bridge…barely two years old and lord knows how many people have jumped off of it into the angry river below. Chalk one more up for the count. It's funny…London, I mean. Once a beacon to so many from far away, but up close? Well up close it's hell on earth. I was never meant to belong here. Just another lost soul I guess, looking for fairness in a corrupt world.

I close my eyes and breathe in the smog of an early winter. If I don't die tonight, it's not like I have a place to stay anyway. Besides…it's better this way. By the time they find me it'll just be another body to clean up. Skin rotted away, features rendered undistinguishable…it'll be like I never existed. Just like you. Only a gravestone to mark where you rest. No family to visit you. Only me. I'm sorry, doctor, but living in this world has become too much to handle without you. I blame myself for what happened.

And if I didn't blame myself…well you still would. God, I've lost track of the number of nights spent awake hoping, praying to actually sleep. That scene replays itself over and over again in my dreams. The bullet, and the taste of bile in my mouth when I see it strike its unintended target. The sound of cracking bones as you fall to the ground. The sight of fresh blood stigmatizing the white of your shirt. The feel of your fragile body as you take your last breaths, and the smell of that same blood as it spills from your neck. Again and again and again. Fuck all…no one should have to live through that nightmare even once.

A pebble slips off the edge. I lose sight of it in the Thames. It's not like death scares me…not anymore. It's actually quite welcoming by now. Like a single ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. It promises that no matter how much pain I've had to endure, and no matter how much suffering you had to go through, that there is an end. There is an end to it all.

One step forward. Then another. I can already feel my centre of gravity closer to the edge than it is to safety. I spread my arms, almost feeling the softness of your skin on my fingertips. What I wouldn't give to simply brush your hand again, even if it's only for a moment. Falling will be just like flying…at least until I hit the water. Strange, isn't it? I'm actually longing for that pain in the end. If it's just a fraction of the suffering that you'd gone through in your life…then at least I can share in it.

Just one more step, if even that. That's all it's going to take. One step to cross the boundaries between this world and the next. Even if I am going to hell…well, a hell that I don't believe in. Then again, what with the organisation and all, I guess I'm obliged to believe in just about anything. Your words echo in my ears,

"Your curiosity will one day be the death of you, Cassian."

I have to laugh, because it's so true. Maybe not in the way that you intended, but true nonetheless. See, I am curious. It's something I've always cursed. I was curious about DELILAH, so I joined. I was curious about taking a job as your assistant, so I did. And I was curious about you…still am. That's one thing that was never satisfied though. I poured out my life story to you, never asking anything in return. Secretly I hoped that this would break down your walls. By telling you about my life, I wanted to know about yours. I wanted us to feel the same pain, the same sorrow—loss. That was foolish of me.

I was so damn curious that in a way I died for you. Couldn't let Cassandra kill you before I had proved myself worthy of your trust, could I? But really…that's not it at all. I couldn't let him kill you because…because…I lick my lips, testing the words on my tongued. I couldn't let him kill you because I love you. I couldn't imagine a life without you, so I let him take mine instead.

And it is in this moment that I realize something; I can't die yet. No. Not until you know how feel. I can't believe how bloody stupid I am. Throwing myself off of a bridge as though it might solve everything. In a day or two, it will, but not now, not in this moment. Not until I tell you…even if you can't hear me, I need to tell you. Even if you didn't care when you were alive…maybe you will now that you're gone.

I stumble backward, climbing down from the place I'd had my mind set on killing myself on mere moments ago. Part of me prays that I'll slip and fall without time for second thought. My fingers tighten around the ledge, refusing to allow such a thing to happen. I risk a glance backward. The Thames seems to lash out at me, angry that its latest victim has changed his mind. For a moment I think that I'm smiling. Irony is one of those things that always got to me.

It briefly crosses my mind that someone could have been watching my entire charade, wondering what in all hell I was doing up there. It's not as though they'd care, though. After all, I'm just another ghost of the city. A shadow blending in. Best no one ever knows my name.

It disgusts me. Watching as they pass by, happy, carefree. Families singing carols in the slums of the city. They think their words can spread "cheer" or "hope". All the people writhing in the veins of London need is money for another drink. Words. Song. Nothing can bring them salvation now. The lot would rather drown themselves in alcohol, than be told that there is some "God" out there watching over them. I shove past all of them, paying little mind as to apologies for doing so.

I know where I'm going. That's what scares me. I know exactly where my feet will carry me, whether I want them to or not. My heart twists in my chest, so much so that I almost need to stop and regain myself…but no…I have to keep walking. I have to end this. I have to see you just one more time.

Together in all these memories I see your smile
All of the memories I hold dear
Darling you know I'll love you until the end of time

Author's Note: I would just like to start by saying- Oh my goodness! I have not posted anything for Cassian or Jizabel in over 6 months...since before I went to London! Not to mention that I need to update my stories terribly. I hope this shameless angst makes up for having not done so in such a long time...people probably do not even remember who I am. The lyric at the beginning and end of the story are from the song "Memories" by Within Temptation. They're a very Godchild-esque band.

A shout out to my lovely Sorryll, whom I am looking forward to seeing again next summer. Chalk this one up for the Jizabel/Cassian invasion sweetie.