TITLE: They Say That True Love Hurts
A/N: This is my first fanfic! Thanks to my friends at GGI who inspired me to make this! I made this due to those two seconds of evident UST in 4x11 while Eric and Damien were exchanging lines, and due to recent spoilers involving Damien and Eric interacting more in the second half of season four. I tried my best to give them some sort of history from pre-pilot up until this most recent episode. This is a slash between Damien/Eric, with developments in these relationships/friendships/siblingships: Serena/Damien, Serena/Eric, Eric/Jenny, Eric/Elliot. WARNING: Dark themes such as suicide and self-harm.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gossip Girl.
Please R/R!
They say that true love hurts, well this could almost kill me.
Young love murder, that is what this must be.
I would give it all to not be sleeping alone.
-Ke$ha
"I feel a little sick inside, and it's not just because I'm looking at him," Eric said, turning around to look Damien Daalgard straight in the eyes. "What, have you come to recruit another virgin to be your drug mule?
"Well I would say, 'Why, are you available?' but I'm leaving," Damien retorted with a satisfied smirk. "Thanks for the ride in the city."
Four Years Earlier. Saturday, Around 10:30 P.M.
Flipping his thick, blonde bangs with a swift head movement, a young Eric van der Woodsen knelt in the corner of his mother's closet, reaching into her safety deposit box. He grabbed the necessary amount of money for his buy, pocketed it, and closed the safe.
He knew what he was doing what was wrong. He knew the drugs he was doing were wrong. He didn't even know exactly what they were. But under the circumstances, Eric felt justified not to care. Taking those pills was the only way to deal with what he was going through at the time. Serena spontaneously left for boarding school in the middle of the school year. Klaus, his mother's boyfriend, left just a few days before today, and his own mother was too busy to pay enough attention to Eric. His own father, his real father, left the family when Eric was only five. Eric didn't even have any true friends at school.
All he looked forward to for the past eight weeks was seeing his dealer—Damien Daalgard—every weekend. Damien wasn't just a dealer to him; he was a friend first. A true friend. Damien listened closely to all of Eric's problems, and gave him advice.
Eric started buying from Damien about a month after Serena ventured off to Connecticut. Damien himself knew Serena, at the time going to boarding school with her; he visited the Upper East Side to spend time with his father, every weekend. Damien stayed with his father, Nicolas Daalgard, in the Palace hotel, and Lily and Eric shared a suite on the same floor as the Daalgards.
Checking his left pocket to make sure the wad of cash was still there, Eric slipped on his shoes in preparation to head to Damien's suite. Suddenly there was a knock on the door.
Lily wasn't supposed to return from visiting Serena at boarding school until tomorrow night, and Klaus sure as hell wasn't coming back. Wondering who it could've been, Eric looked through the peephole.
It was Damien.
Eric instantly opened the door, displaying a relieved, wide smile across his face. Damien stood there, hands in his pockets, most likely full of bags of narcotics. Every time Eric saw Damien Eric tended to get stuck looking in his eyes—his bright, blue eyes, partially covered by hiss coarse, brunette bangs.
"Well aren't you gonna let me in?" Damien asked with a flirty grin.
"Uh, yeah," Eric stuttered. He opened the door all the way as Damien stepped inside the van der Woodsen suite. "I thought I was coming to your suite for the buy?" Eric wondered.
"My father is actually having some people over. They're the people who decide if he gets the ambassador post or not." Damien explained, taking his jacket off and hanging it on the coat rack next to the door. Damien's father had been staying at the Palace to secure the ambassador post since the middle of the year. "So I'll just give you your stuff in your suite. Are your parents not here?"
"Mm, no. Klaus actually left me and my mom Thursday night," Eric stated apathetically.
"Really?"
"Yeah," Eric said. "They weren't exactly sleeping in the same bed anyway. And my mom is out visiting Serena at you guys's boarding school. How is Serena, by the way?"
"Serena's," Damien struggled to think of a way to put it: "She's Serena."
"What do you mean?" Eric inquired.
Serena van der Woodsen would always be a mystery to Damien. Maybe that's why he used to like her so much. Ever since Serena took his virginity during one of their late-night Spanish study sessions, Damien wondered what kind of a person she really was. From teaching the classmates at school how to make absinthe in the comfort of a dorm room to scoring perfectly in our English Literature class's writing assignments, he wondered if Serena had potential to do well all along. Of course the success in writing may have had something to do with her sudden affiliation with the teacher, Mr. Donovan.
Damien was glad he met the younger van der Woodsen; Eric was a lot more stable than Serena. Eric had a great sense of humor, and was a wonderful person to talk to, about anything. Whenever Damien looked into Eric's eyes he could see Serena's eyes, but Serena's were usually covered in a mask of alcohol. Damien decided to keep the fact that he lost it to Eric's older sister a secret from him, but Damien did feel it necessary to tell Eric about what he witnessed Friday night.
"Well, on Friday, when I was having dinner with my aunt, I saw her. At a Bed & Breakfast," Damien reported. They were both standing in the center of the mini-lobby of Eric's suite, facing each other.
"Okay," Eric said, elongating the last syllable. "And?"
"She was with our English Lit professor. Professor Donovan."
Eric furrowed his eyebrows. "Wait—was she with with or just with your professor?
Scratching his head, Damien honestly answered, "With with. I'm pretty sure of it." Damien looked up to see if Eric was upset. Eric held a blank expression.
"Huh," Eric delivered. "I guess she hasn't really changed that much." Even when Serena was partying with her friend Georgina Sparks at every club in New York, binging on cosmos and waking up on different couches every other night, Serena was always there for Eric when he needed her. At least, she was before she left for boarding school. While Lily and Klaus would argue, Serena kept Eric lying on her lap in her room. She even watched over Eric after William van der Woodsen abandoned his family. Serena meant well, but through all of the drinking and partying and drugs she had a hard time showing it.
"Yeah, I guess she hasn't," Damien reiterated offhandedly. "So, should we get this taken care of?" Damien took a miniscule plastic bag filled with several while and blue pills out of his pocket, holding it up for Eric to see.
"Oh! Right." Said Eric, remembering what gets him through the week, aside from the hope of seeing Damien.
Eric led Damien to the bedroom. Inside were had two king-sized beds, one for Lily and one for Eric. Eric sat at the edge of his bed, and Damien sat at the edge of Lily's, facing Eric.
"Here you are," said Damien as he held out the bag of narcotics for Eric to receive. Eric reached for the bag and took hold of it; for a split second his fingers touched Damien's. Eric quickly retreated and emptied the pills into his right pocket. Reaching into his left pocket for his end of the deal, Eric handed Damien the wad of cash. While extending his arm, Eric spotted his left shirt sleeve almost sliding up, about the reveal the slashes on his wrist.
Eric quickly stretched his shirt sleeve in an effort to cover it up. Eric hadn't told Damien that he had been cutting; he didn't want to make it seem like the pills weren't handling his feelings well enough.
Damien counted the bills in the bundle of cash, and Eric kept his hand clutched over his wrist, breathing in an out. Was it his fault that he had problems? That he had to resort to cutting himself and taking drugs to cope with it? And what if his mother found out? He'd be even more sheltered then he was at the time, that's for sure. That's the thing; it wasn't his fault he was sad sometimes. His dad left. Serena left. Klaus left. And Lily didn't seem to acknowledge she had a son anymore.
Melancholy swept Eric like an avalanche and Eric couldn't take it anymore; he broke down. He dissolved into tears on the edge of his bed, face buried in his hands. He seemed to forget Damien was present until he spoke up.
"Hey, what's wrong?" asked Damien, feeling genuinely concerned. He got up and sat next to Eric on his bed. Not sure exactly what he should do and going by his gut instinct, Damien wrapped his arm around Eric's shoulders.
"I-I don't know," Eric responded, his voice breaking. Damien was overcome with sympathy. He didn't think he cared for anyone as much as he did Eric, aside from his father. Damien thought of one thing he could do to help him, to let Eric know he wanted to protect him—to be there for him.
Eric turned to face Damien. "I-I mean, I've lost everything. It's just not fair. My dad, Serena, Klaus, my mom—"
Interrupting him, Damien pressed his mouth onto Eric's. Damien sighed through his nose as he intertwined his lips with Eric's. Eric responded, and he wrapped his hand around Damien's neck.
Damien broke way ever so slightly. Beaming, he said in a soft, hoarse whisper: "You still have me."
Eric smiled at the cheesiness of the situation as Damien stroked his tear-stained cheeks, and they passionately kissed again. Encircling his arm around Damien's waist, Eric felt thrilled and relieved. He had his first kiss, and it was fantastic. Wanting to further, Eric reached around and pulled the hem of Damien's shirt upward.
Damien parted his lips from Eric's'. "No," he instructed, pulling Eric's hand away from his shirt with his own.
Eric stared at Damien confusedly. "Why not?" Eric asked.
"Because," Damien said bluntly, "You're only fourteen." Eric looked down at his feet in disappointment. Feeling helpless around the saddened Eric, Damien added "Plus, I know your sister. Don't you think that could get a little awkward?"
Eric looked up and nodded slightly.
"Look, Eric, I just want to protect you. Fourteen is too young to be having sex," a heartfelt Damien said. "Maybe one day, when you're older."
"Will we still, you know, be seeing each other by then?"
"Sure," Damien assured. He kissed Eric on the forehead once again.
The night ended with fully-clothed Damien and Eric sleeping in the same bed, simply cherishing being with each other. Eric ended up showing Damien the scars on his wrist, and Damien ended up confessing to Eric about how Damien stole the pills he sold his clients from his father. Never before had Eric felt so satisfied and comforted. He knew that someone was there, that someone actually cared. He didn't need sex to make him feel protected.
It was the best night of Eric's life.
Sunday, Around 10:00 A.M.
Fighting the obnoxious sunlight blinding through the windows of his room, Eric struggled to open his eyes, rubbing them with a yawn.
Eric then remembered everything. Everything that had happened the night before, everything with Damien. The whole "best-night-of-my-life" feeling elated him. Eric glanced over his shoulder to check up on his suitor, but he wasn't there.
Damien wasn't there.
The bed was covered with pillows, ruffles of blanket and Eric van der Woodsen. But no Damien.
"Damien?" Eric called out. Maybe he was at the dinner table, or in the kitchen, making eggs. "Damien?" he blared once again. Slipping out of bed, Eric headed out of his room.
"Damien?" Eric yelled, a little louder. Eric checked the dining room, and the kitchen, and the foyer, the living room. Damien wasn't there. Exasperated, Eric checked his bedroom once more. It wasn't until he spotted the note that Eric realized what was going on.
It was lying atop the dresser. Eric picked it up, and read. The handwriting was scrawled in black ink across the notebook paper.
Dear Eric,
I'm heading to CT w/ my father. He got the ambassador post! We're moving to Cornwall full time, the flight's this morning. I don't think I'll be visiting NYC anymore.
It was really nice getting to know you Eric.
It took a while for Eric to swallow what he had just read.
Damien Daalgard, after saying Eric still had him, abandoned Eric, to jet off to Connecticut. With his father.
Eric crumpled the note in his fist. The scars on his wrist burnt, tightly clutching the crumpled piece of paper in rage. He vehemently threw it across the room like a baseball.
Eric couldn't believe it. It couldn't be true. Damien said they could be together for a long time. Kicking down the lamps and pots in his way, Eric marched violently out of his suite, heading towards the Daalgard suite. Eric banged on the door repeatedly.
"Damien!" Eric demanded, with all of the energy he had inside of him. He was hurt; he felt betrayed. There was no answer. "Damien!" Eric roared. He waited five full minutes before thrusting his fist at the door in fury.
Confusion and questions racing through his head, Eric rushed into this suite and grabbed his Blackberry. He dialed Damien's number, panting while sitting at the dining room table.
Straight to voicemail.
Enraged, Eric violently threw his cell phone on the ground, shattering the glass screen in an instant. He stood up and headed toward the elevator. Questions raced through his head, but Eric was too frightened, too scared of what the answers might be to acknowledge his rational conscience. He took the elevator down to the lobby. He stormed to the front desk, urgently asking the manager:
"Is Damien Daalgard in suite 1203?"
"Ah—no, the Daalgards checked out last night," replied the front desk manager.
Eric swallowed a lump in his throat and sulked over to a large, leather seat in the lobby.
Consumed with despondency, Eric burst into tears. He ran his hands through his blonde hair, wiping the sorrow from his eyes with his arms.
Heartache struck Eric once again. He felt as if he was in an abyss, unable to do anything to escape. Would anybody care if he just fell off the face of the earth? Would anyone care if he just disappeared? Was it his fault everyone leaves? His own flesh and blood abandoned him; Serena left, his dad left. His own mother disregarded Eric.
And now Damien.
Even Damien left, without even saying a proper "goodbye." His one true friend. The one person that was actually concerned with what Eric did, how he felt, and how he dealt with how he felt. At least, Damien pretended to be. And now he was gone, and Eric didn't know why.
Eric couldn't take it anymore.
Five Minutes Later.
Sitting on his bed was Eric van der Woodsen, next to a bottle of water and fourteen narcotic tablets that Damien gave to Eric the night before. Usually Eric would distribute the pills he secretly took throughout the week, just one or two per day. However, this time Eric was intent on trying something else. He knew exactly what he wanted to do.
Eric picked up one white, circular pill and swallowed it with a gulp of water. He took another, this one being oval-shaped, half blue and half white. Despite beginning to feel slightly drowsy, Eric ingested a third, and then a fourth, washing it down with his bottle of water between takes. He took yet another.
And another.
Just a couple more.
It was the ninth that resulted in Eric dropping down upon his bed in stupor, on the verge of death.
Three Years Later. Saturday, Around 11:00 P.M.
Eric van der Woodsen walked through the lobby of Blair Waldorf's penthouse with his best friend and now step-sister, Jenny Humphrey. Wearing dark, assassin-themed clothing, they strolled next to each other, holding their coats and talking. They had just come down the elevator after attending Nate Archibald's nineteenth birthday party. Eric had to admit, he didn't think he could have so much fun playing a kid's game, Assassin, at an adult's birthday party.
It was days like these that reminded Eric how lucky he was. How lucky he was, especially that day, three years ago, in his suite, when his mother returned early from her visiting Serena at boarding school. How lucky he was that she found him, lying unconscious on his bed surrounded by pills and a water bottle. How lucky he was that she called 911, that she saved him from falling off the edge. After that night his mother sent him to the Ostroff Center, which at first resulted in a reluctant Eric resisting recovery. He started lightening up after meeting another guy, and four months later Eric was dismissed from rehab.
Since then Eric secured a temporary boyfriend, reconnected with his mother and sister, who returned from boarding school, and gained a close confidante in his now-stepsister, Jenny. He befriended his step-brothers, Chuck Bass and Dan Humphrey, and occasional ally, Blair Waldorf. And now, he got a new guy's number—Elliot.
"Oh, wait a second-" Jenny stopped dead on her tracks.
"What is it?" Eric asked.
"I forgot my hat," Jenny said with a chuckle. "Could you hold my coat for me? I'm gonna go up and get it."
"Sure," said Eric, holding Jenny's coat while watching her climb into the elevator going up to the penthouse.
It was a couple minutes before Eric heard a familiar ring coming from Jenny's coat. He reached into Jenny's coat pocket and took out Jenny's cell phone. The front screen read: "NEW MSG" Out of curiosity, Eric opened the text. He read the first and last name of the sender.
It was Damien Daalgard.
It was shocking enough for Eric to return from Japan to find out from Gossip Girl that his step-sister dated the person who supplied Eric the drugs he used to attempt suicide, the person who almost took Eric's virginity, the person who said he wanted to supposedly protect Eric. Eric decided not to tell Jenny of his and Damien's past, especially after Jenny told Eric Damien took her virginity.
Eric read the text message: "I need my stuff! Come to our spot by the prk to give it to me, tonight."
Eric let out a short breath. Jenny did tell him about how Damien was demanding the drugs he gave her since the fashion show at Eleanor's. She also told Eric about Agnes using all of the narcotics to get the models high and to roofie Jenny, and how Nate saved her from potentially being raped. Eric typed a reply to Damien from Jenny's phone: "I'll b there."
Eric quickly deleted the two messages from the phone's history as soon as he saw Jenny coming from the elevator.
Two Hours Later.
Damien sat on the bench by the pond in the park, one of the first places he went with Jenny, when she questioned his use of toy boats in the pond to transfer pills. His hair was slicked back to expose his forehead. He awaited Jenny's arrival, checking his watch every five minutes or so.
At last, Damien spotted a limousine approaching the park from across the road. The elongated car parked and an unrecognizable figure came out from the backseat. It wasn't until Damien saw it had long, wavy dark brown hair that he realized it wasn't Jenny. It was Eric. And he had dyed his hair.
"Eric van der Woodsen," Damien half-questioned, half-acknowledged, attempting to uphold his cocky demeanor with the four words as Eric approached Damien who remained sitting on the bench.
Eric stopped walking about teen feet from where Damien stood. "Damien," he stated.
"Jenny told me you were her step-brother," Damien said. "But you were in Japan or something."
"Yeah, I was. Tokyo," Eric said blankly.
Damien slowly nodded his head. "I was supposed to meet Jenny here, I sent her a text."
"I know. I came instead of her," declared a stiff, stern Eric. "She doesn't actually know I'm here."
"Oh, OK. Do you have the pills? I'm just asking, I wanted her here so she could give me what she had left. She bailed at Eleanor's fashion show, so-"
"Jenny got drugged," Eric abruptly interrupted. "Some girls at Eleanor's roofied her with your pills. Jenny doesn't have them anymore."
Damien's mouth dropped. "Oh my God, is she okay?" he inquired, concerned. He did care for Jenny, though he wasn't sure if he did as much as he cared for Eric three years back.
"She's fine, Eric affirmed. Damien looked relieved, but before he could say anything Eric continued. "And if you don't mind, I'd like you stay away from her. She's been through enough, and she's already starting to get back on her feet."
"I wasn't really planning on seeing her anymore anyway," Damien said honestly. Suddenly Damien made a realization: "This isn't about Jenny, is it? It's about what happened three years ago. That's why you came here, instead of her?"
Eric deliberately dismissed his question with one of his own. "You realize this is the first time we've even spoken since that night?" His voice raised, "When you said that you wanted to protect me?" The young van der Woodsen let in and out short, quick breaths through his nose, for once releasing the bottled-up anger he held against Damien.
Damien stayed standing there, staring blankly at Eric in silence.
"What the hell happened that night?" Eric asked, pleading for the answer he had been searching for years. "Why'd you leave?"
Damien took a deep breath. He knew he owed Eric an explanation. Looking down at his feet, Damien began.
"My father called me in the middle of that night. You were asleep, so I went inside the bathroom to talk to him."
Eric nodded. "Go on."
"He told me to come over to our suite so we could talk. Once I got over there, he said the people he was meeting said he secured the Belgium ambassador post, and there wasn't any reason for him to stay in New York anymore."
"Why not?" Eric asked.
"He was just staying there, at the Palace, for a couple months, to meet people associated with the ambassador election process. So he said that we could move to Cornwall, where mine and Serena's boarding school was. He booked the flight already, it was at six in the morning."
"So you went with him? To Connecticut?"
"I had to! He promised he was going to stay sober. That he wasn't going on any benders anymore, that he was going to take care of me. I finally got the father I wanted."
"So did he stay sober?" Eric inquired.
Damien remained quiet for half a minute before answering. "No," he said. "Anyway, I knew I couldn't just leave you without an explanation, so I—"
"Wrote a note," Eric completed. "Could you not have waked me up?"
"I knew I should have, but it didn't cross my mind. I was in a rush," Damien explained in his defense.
Eric sighed. He understood what it was like to wish for more attentive parents, but he still couldn't forgive Damien for what happened in the morning, after Eric found the note. Damien knew how much of a mess Eric was in, how one tap could have made him shatter.
Should he tell Damien what he tried with the pills on the bed? Eric quickly decided not to. He knew it would be too much of a burden on anyone to know their actions resulted in a young boy's attempted suicide.
"I'm sorry I didn't wake you up," Damien said, slowly walking towards Eric. "I saw you called me after the plane landed, and I tried calling you back but you didn't answer."
"My phone broke," reported Eric.
Even thinking about the night before his suicide attempt brought back feelings Eric hadn't felt in a long time, and he would hate to experience the trauma he went through again. He rarely spoke about that morning to anyone, even at people in the Ostroff Center. Wanting to stop talking about it, he said: "Look, Damien, I appreciate your apology, but come on. You shouldn't have been selling drugs to a fourteen-year old," Eric reasoned. "And you left Jenny in a mess."
"What do you mean?" Damien asked, now standing just six inches away from Eric. "Look, I cared about you, and I cared about Jenny."
"But you hurt us both."
Damien sulked.
"I think it's time you should go," Eric said. "For good. Not just out of this park, off of this island. Stay away from me and Jenny, and please just stay away from New York City. You've screwed up one too many van der Humphreys" Eric looked coldly into Damien's deep blue eyes.
Damien felt like a bowling ball dropped into his stomach; he felt defeated. Defeated by Eric van der Woodsen. Chuckling cockily under his breath, Damien said:
"I guess the Upper East Side has been good for you. Banishing me from New York."
Eric raised his eyebrows. "I guess so."
Damien took one step closer to Eric. Both stood, opposite each other in the park by the pond, in the middle of the night. Both stayed standing for a few awkward seconds, both knowing exactly what was going to happen next, even though Eric didn't want it to. He was angry with him.
Nevertheless, Eric gave in.
Both leaned in, lips meeting softly. Eric felt like rolling his eyes at that nostalgic cheesiness he similarly experienced three years ago with Damien. At last, Eric broke away, feeling guilty for succumbing to Damien yet relishing the moment at the same time.
Damien grinned at the reluctant Eric and whispered: "Goodbye, Eric." Damien headed toward his car.
One Year Later. Friday, About 9:30 P.M.
"Well let's just take a few photos," said Lily Humphrey, classily wrapping her arms around her daughter and adoptive step-son.
Eric van der Woodsen stood in the crowd of publicists, businesspeople, agents and Juliet Sharp in the van der Woodsen penthouse suite as photographers captured pictures of Lily, Chuck, and a reluctant Serena at the front of the room. Lily and Chuck were hosting a business gathering, and Serena had just recently arrived with Juliet.
After hearing the elevator doors of the suite open, Eric turned to see who arrived. Coming from the elevator was Dan Humphrey, Blair Waldorf, and:
"Damien Daalgard?" Eric muttered under his breath in confusion. Eric banished Damien. Why was he in New York? Why was he with Dan and Blair? Eric was still upset with Damien, and one lingering kiss wasn't going to change his morals. Afraid Damien might see him, Eric swiftly turned back around to face the van-der-Basses taking photos.
Dan, Blair, and Damien approached Eric from across the room.
"What's going on?" Blair asked him.
"I don't know, but I feel a little sick inside and it's not just because I'm looking at him," Eric said, turning around to look Damien Daalgard straight in the eyes. "What, have you come to recruit another virgin to be your drug mule?" Eric asked, referring to Jenny. Dan and Blair exchanged confused gazes between Damien and Eric.
"I would say, 'Why, are you available?' but I'm leaving," Damien retorted with a satisfied smirk. "Thanks for the ride in the city."
"Thanks for helping," Dan said. Damien turned to the elevator, not before flashing Eric a quick smile.
Eric tired hard not to look back. It's not like he had feelings for Damien, Eric had a boyfriend. Elliot. Eric knew that looking back just to see Damien once again was a cry of desperation, which would most likely result in Damien plastering a smug grin across his face to show off and Eric feeling helpless.
Curiosity enveloped Eric. One quick look couldn't hurt. He quickly turned his head to catch a last glimpse of Damien. All Eric saw, however, was the elevator door closing shut.
Nevertheless, Eric van der Woodsen felt that it wasn't the last he's seen of Damien Daalgard.
FIN