I do not own SNK.

Don't read if you don't like character death, sexual references (barely), references to drugs, homosexual relationships, references to mental illness, and sad stories.

I am a selfish person.

I know that.

He needs someone else, someone, as cliché as it is, better.

He needs someone stable.

He has his own problems, his own life, his own world,

He doesn't need an unstable, suicidal mess who can't stay loyal and can't be faithful and doesn't even remember their own name half the time let alone that fact that they love someone,

He doesn't need me.

But there's no way I'll let him go,

Because I'm a selfish person.

He's standing across from me as I walk in, wearing the clothes I wore three days ago from the clinic because I can't remember if I've slept with someone else but we both know that it's a possibility. He knows, I know, we've done this before.

I don't blame this mess on my illness, never have never will, it's too easy to do that and I'm not a coward, I've told him that many times so he knows it too, this is me. I love him, but I won't stop. Sometimes I do, during good months or bad years I think I'll stop and I try and try and try but it never lasts. There's always one day or one month or one second when that want just leaves and it's too much and I am weak. Fuck I am weak.

"Hello Brat."

Thank god, just thank you. It's staying the same, it's always the same, it's not the end.

"Hello Corporal."

He isn't saying anything. He's mad, but hiding it, but I can read him, but he called me Brat, not Eren, if it was Eren then … I just don't know.

He sits.

I stand.

Groaning, he drags his hand through his buzz cut into the longer hair and it's the same movement I do when we're together. Is that a good sign?

I wait. I can't say anything in case it goes wrong and hurts him and hurts me but what if saying nothing is wrong too and I don't know but I wish I did.

He looks up. "Tell me, just do it."

I do.

I sit down and tell him everything I remember; alcohol, sex, drugs, worse; he knows it all.

I know all of his too, because we're together, because we love each other even though I'm this and he's him and if I were a good person I'd leave him or make him leave me, but I won't.

At the end, like every time, he looks at me.

Pain, which was so very fresh and raw in the beginning as faded into an ever present ache for him but I just have to keep hurting him.

That's what I see every time we do this.

And every time a voice tells me to change, or to leave, to do what's right.

But I don't.

Because I'm a selfish person,

And I love him, too much or too little, I just don't know.

...

I wish I could kill myself.

This pain.

I want it to stop.

After Levi … after he left me … it just hurt.

I was good for a while.

I know that I'm not strong enough for Levi, I didn't love him enough to change, but it hurts.

Pain doesn't stop hurting after a few days.

Then I just …

The rent came.

Isn't that a stupid reason to lose it.

I don't even know why that did it.

It just broke me.

I remember this passage from a book; when this doctor says that sometimes, little things just build up until you break, it doesn't always have to be a big thing, it can just be the rent.

One day, about three months after I last saw anyone, I was standing there holding a letter containing my rent.

Then it's four months later, I'm sitting in a car somewhere in the countryside, with someone's number on my arm, and I have no idea what I'm doing.

I want to call Levi.

I want kill myself.

I want the pain to stop.

I don't know what to do.

You know, when your at a cross road, and you know that if you go one way everything will change, and it's the same with the other road, but you don't know where to go, or what will happen .. and the cross roads a metaphor.

I think that that's where I am.

Whatever choice I make, will change everything.

But I don't know what my choices are.

I'm holding a phone, why am I doing that?

What am I dialing?

It's ringing.

Who'll pick up?

...

"Hello Levi here, leave a message but I won't hear it."

Oh.

"Hi. It's me. I know. I know I said I wouldn't but. But I just … just listen k? Cause I'm in a car, and I don't know where I am but it's in the countryside. Anyway, I'm in a car and I called you, I don't know … I just did, my body just did. And. And I'm at a cross road, not a literal one but you know. And I know that you won't hear this. But … I don't know. I don't know. I think that you were right, I love you but, not enough. It should have been. But I didn't think that it was. Then. Now. But, I don't think you loved me enough either. Cause, cause then you would have asked. But we didn't want t-to change. And now. I don't … I … I don't know how to say this. I feel like, I have to move. So thank you. I know you haven't said anything but doing this helped me to thanks … even if you'll never hear it. Thank you so much Corporal Levi, I wish I knew what for."

...

I groaned, where on earth is that stupid shirt? Mikasa and Armin are having a party – well a get-together really, and they'd invited me. Erwin said that Armin had a plan to set me up with someone, who he didn't say, but one night stands only keep their appeal after so long so why not?

"Erwin! WHERE THE HELL IS MY SHIRT?!"

"Does it really matter that much? If we don't leave now we'll be late."

"I CAN'T WEAR MY F-ME JEANS WITHOUT THAT SHIRT!"

"Have you checked that box?"

"What box?"

"In your cupboard."

"NOT. HELPFUL."

"Next to the black heels."

"I've already … oh you've got to be kidding me!"

Hastily buttoning up the clingy white shirt I half ran out of the bedroom, grabbing my phone as I left. Erwin was already ready, having come early wanting help with present buying for Armin, as I pulled on the black combat boots and grey blazer with leather details.

We bolted to the car together, pulling the door open and fishing the key out of his pocket.

"Levi, you phone's ringing."

"Leave it."

"I could-"

"There's no way I'm letting you drive again."

Pulling out of the drive we get to their house in half an hour of speeding and praying that the cops don't come.

...

Armin and Mikasa are lovely as always. Erwin and Armin as mushy and borderline sickening as always. The kid (Marco?) was very nice but WAY too into his bestie (J? John? Sean? Whatever.).

It was a good evening. Good food, friends and fun – with plenty of alliteration on the side. When Marco left we all ended up sitting down watching a film.

Armin speaks first. "Eren called me."

Mikasa doesn't turn away from the film, "Really?"

He nods, "Yeah, first kind of contact in eight months and he just says 'So there's this girl, Annie, she's SUUUPER cute, but won't smile. Any ideas?'" he laughs, "Well, he apologised and everything first, 'Sorry for not talking or anything, but I had to sort everything out first ya know? So anyway about Annie.'"

I can't help but smile at that. "What else would you expect from him?"

Armin rolls his eyes, "I'm just lucky he said sorry." There's silence again. "He sounded good. Like, really good, not going-through-a-patch good. Just … good."

No one talked after that.

It's hard to imagine. Eren being good. Sure he had months, but there was always a voice saying how long this time? I wonder if he really is … good?

I still love him. I don't thinks it's possible to stop. I didn't love him at first, but now I can't stop. It's a lot like him in a way, sometimes it annoys me and other times it's sweet but no matter what it will always come back.

Erwin's rubbing off on me.

But then again I've had eight months to think about this.

I think … that I should have tried harder, with him, I should have asked him to stop, or just done something. But I didn't.

I'm so happy that he's doing well.

I'm so proud of him that he is now.

Somehow, my musing have carried me through the movie and now it's time for bed. Mikasa had already gathered the necessary quilts for me (it's pretty obvious where Erwin will be sleeping).

It was a good night.

...

RING! RING! RING! RING!

Whatthehellishappening?

At least it stopped now.

Rolling over I snatch at my phone, 2:56 glares back at me.

Why the hell am I awake?

Oh yeah … the phone.

The walls are thin in Armin's and Mikasa's house.

I heard the sob.

I heard Erwin murmur through the wall, even if I couldn't hear the words.

I heard Mikasa open their door and rush in,

Then there's nothing but sobs.

Then Mikasa screams, if you can call it that, it's a sound of pure pain and hurt and grief and despair.

I hear myself move.

I move – I don't know how - but I move into Armin's room.

Armin's in bed, holding a phone to his chest and crying into Erwin's chest.

Erwin is rocking him slightly, mouth moving and talking, but his face is shocked, tears are crawling down his checks.

Mikasa in on the floor, head in her hands, screaming, crying, breaking. I don't know the word to describe it.

I don't understand what's going on.

What could have done this?

Erwin's looking at me. He swallows, making a small sound before clearing his throat again.

I don't want to know.

I don't want to know what did this.

But that doesn't stop it from happening.

"Eren's dead."

...

I didn't know it was possible to break.

This must be how Eren feels when he has a bad day.

This is how Eren feels.

This is how he fel-

No.

He can't.

My shoulder's damp.

How come Mikasa is there?

How did I get on the floor?

How can he…

My face feels funny.

And my chest… it hurts...

My lungs are burning.

This can't be real.

I never told him ANYTHING.

I should have talked to him.

I should have helped him.

I NEVER NEVER should have left him.

I… I… I love him SO MUCH…

He can't just be… gone.

...

But he is.

And here I am.

I got home.

No idea how, don't care anyway.

I'm just lying on my bed.

His bed.

Our bed.

Our home.

He's gone.

I'm holding my phone.

I don't know why.

But I do.

"Levi, you phone's ringing."

"Leave it."

"I could-"

"There's no way I'm letting you drive again."

I hope that I'm wrong.

But I press the buttons anyway.

There are a lot of messages.

Most are stupid and unimportant.

Some of those are from Eren, which makes them the most important thing I've ever heard.

"OH shoot, I forgot that you don't listen to these ... it's Eren by the way, I'm hanging up now. Bye"

I force out a laugh, or is it a sob?

There's one important one.

It's from Eren,

It's the moment he changed, and he sounds SO good and so bad and so … indescribable, and I missed it.

How could I do that?

Finally, I reach the last message.

"Levi, you phone's ringing."

It starts to play.

"Leave it."

...

"Hey, it's me again … Eren.

And I'm… I'm crying Levi.

Because I'm dying.

And I don't want to.

I really, really don't want to.

I was doing so well, SO well. I was planning on meeting you, to show you, to make you proud, not-not to get b-back together or anything b-because let's be honest here that was NOT a healthy relationship b-but it might have worked and that's not the point here.

I'm actually seeing a few people right now, dating one, she's called Annie. I think we could have had something. I really would have loved to of had something with her even if it turned out b-badly like ours did.

But that's not going to happen now is it.

I was in an accident … which is a really stupid thing to say is. An accident is when you break a vase and cut yourself or poke someone in the eye or kiss someone's nose by mistake, it's harmless, but I'm being killed by one.

I was driving.

There was a car going the wrong way, its brakes had broken and it went around a corner too fast, it hit me.

There was a car behind me, a family and a dog, two kids, Sasha and Connie, they talked to me while we waited, I think they knew.

My legs were stuck, crushed, even if I was going to live I'd never walk.

I was wrapped around a tree.

The other person, with the broken brake's fine too.

I hit a tree.

The firemen and ambulance couldn't find us, so I had to wait for an hour for them to come.

Sasha and Connie talked to me for an hour.

They have this saying, the emergency guys, that there's a golden hour to get to hospital, I missed it by one hundred and five minutes.

Now my kidneys are screwed.

And the donor's too far away and even if it wasn't then it would go to someone else, someone saveable.

I'm not.

I won't make it through the night.

They asked me, to have tea, it would have taken a minute or two, I would be safe now, and a family would be wrapped around a tree, Connie and Sasha could be dead … or worse.

So this is fine.

I die they live.

Tha-at's f-fine.

B-but it's n-n-not.

They said it shouldn't hurt.

I'll feel sleepy and just … go.

Most likely by then I'll be too doped up to care.

I don't know why I'm calling you.

I don't know if I want you to hear this.

I don't want to die Levi, even if it's b-better this way.

I want to fuck up my relationship with Annie and show up high and drunk to our meeting and do god knows what with whoever.

I want to get married and have kids and see Armin and Mikasa and Erwin and Hanji and Jean and Marco and Annie and Sasha and Connie and Historia and Reiner and Bertholdt and Ymir and everyone.

It was an accident.

An accident.

He came and said sorry, I told him it was fine.

Sasha and Connie came too, I said I'd be fine.

The doctors said that the kidneys wouldn't make it, I said it was fine.

It's not.

I love you Levi.

I want to say it.

Over and over.

I want to live.

But that's not happening.

So this is it.

If you don't listen to this then that's fine.

Well it's not but I understand I think.

I love you.

Good …

Oh god I don't…

Goodb-

Goodbye Corporal Levi."

...

We just had his funeral.

It took a while to get his body back here but we did. They asked for an open casket but I told them no. That kind of stuff always freaked him out.

I made them play all of his favorite songs and dance.

It's weird, I only knew him a month, it feels like years.

I remember when I first met him. He was a mess, but he told me that he'd make me smile if it was the last thing he did.

It was strange, seeing a skinny guy going through withdrawal in a hospital bed telling me I need to smile. It was even weirder seeing him looking almost good at a club dancing like a moron in an attempt to make me smile. It was hilarious watching him complete stupid dares pursuing a smile.

For one month he did the craziest things in hopes of seeing me smile, even going as far as to throw a party on the hospital ward before security threw him out. Even when he was sad he pocked, and pulled stupid faces because one day something will work.

Every time he left me I rolled my eyes and smirked thinking about him. I kept doing it too, whenever I thought about him.

He was strong, in a strange way, admitting to every fault with pride while he took his pills and went to meetings – and how he hated those, he kept trying to get them all to lighten up because what was the point in getting better if you weren't enjoying it?

The last time I saw him I smiled, only a small one, but he was so happy. It was enough. It was my gift to him.

I gave a speech.

I think that most of them were annoyed by it because I only knew him for a month. I think they were more annoyed that I wasn't sober and sad like everyone else here. Like he said, funerals are the five seconds of grief you're allowed before you start celebrating life. Well I had my five seconds, and now I'm fucking celebrating.

There was this one guy.

He was Eren's ex.

As in the ex, the big one almost everyone had because they could have been the one.

I gave my speech and he laughed. He came up to me afterwards and told me to ignore the 'Brat's friends', because I clearly knew him better than they did.

I see what Eren meant now.

Shorty was so sad, he was breaking, but I made him smile.

It's a good feeling.

I want to do it again.