Disclaimer: I do not in anyway own Once Upon A Time. ABC, Disney, and whoever else have that distinction. No profit is being made, and no copywrite infringement in intended.
AN: Because I'm rewatching the Neverland arc, and Killian keeps getting into my head and wanting more of his story told. Very introspective and complete Killian POV, and my (somewhat dark) reaction to the two hour special. It's stream-of-consciounessy, so apologies if anything is confusing, but I imagine Killian isn't thinking so clearly at the moment. I firmly believe they're going to save him, but I'm not sure he would believe that at this point. Apologies for the feels.
Hero
by Lady Callista
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"Should we all start preparing our souls? Because mine is going to take some time." -Killian Jones
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He'd once told Tinkerbell that there were two things he was willing to risk his life for; revenge and love. Not only was he willing to risk his life for them, he was willing to die for them. He had told her that as well.
As his heart darkened with the passing years, and he found there was more and more he was willing to do in order to skin his crocodile, he had become resigned to the fact that he was unlikely to survive his revenge.
And one long, dark night in Neverland, not long after he handed his Milah's son over to Pan in order to save himself and his crew, as he stood at the wheel of his ship and listened to the Lost Boys cry, he had realized that he wasn't even sure he wanted to survive.
He had barely recognized the man he had become, known his brother would have been ashamed and heartbroken if he had seen him in those long, lonely scores of existence. He doubted even Milah could have loved the man he had turned himself into, she would likely have been horrified at the acts he had committed in the name of vengeance.
When he had told Tinkerbell that he was willing to die for his revenge, for his lost love, he had truly been a hairs breath away from that actually being his preferred outcome. He had lived too long on nothing but dreams of hatred and revenge, and while Neverland had kept his body from aging his soul was growing so very weary of life. When your only purpose in life is revenge, what do you become once you accomplish it?
He would have given up his revenge for Baelfire though, and though it wouldn't have been easy he would have even given up being a pirate. The boy had been a second chance, a way to honor his love for Milah by raising her son. Being with Bae had brought all the love back into his heart, and for the first time since she died in his arms, something had become more important than revenge.
Milah would rather he live for her son than die in her name; Killian had known that down to the marrow of his bones.
He knew nothing of being a father, but he would have done his best, adapted and survived as he always did. Bae would have become the center of his life the way Milah had once been, and he would be able to go back to being the man he used to be. That wouldn't have been easy either, putting aside the darkness he had been slowly steeping himself progressively further into, but he remembered what it was like again to live for someone else, and he knew that with a reason like that he could find his honor and his inner code again.
Having the boy turn his back on him when Killian offered him everything, when Killian proved his courage and his heart and was willing to stand up to Pan if Bae wanted to stay with him, was still the third most devastating moment of his life.
His brother's death had been the first, and had turned him from a hero -at least that was always how he'd seen himself and the others who served the king and the realm- into a pirate, but he'd still felt that turning pirate against a king so evil he was willing to poison entire armies and kingdoms allowed him to keep his honor.
The second worst moment in his life had been Milah's death, and that had turned him from a pirate into, well, he wasn't quite sure what to call himself during that time. Despite what he had once told the Evil Queen, he had never seen himself as a villain in the same way she had seen herself as one. What he now fully admitted was revenge he had mostly called justice, the law of an eye for an eye. The crocodile had deserved death for killing Milah, especially as the coward hadn't even been willing to fight for her. If you wouldn't fight for someone, you didn't truly love them. He had believed that then, and to this day nothing had ever disavowed him of the notion.
Bae's refusing his offer, though, if he had ever truly turned to evil it had been in the days and then years after that moment. He had done many things he regretted, things he wished he could forget, things that made his heart shudder with dread and shame of how Emma would see him if she ever found out. She had said his past didn't matter to her, that she knew he was working to change, not only for her but for himself. Yet he couldn't help but wonder if she would still trust him if she knew what he had done. He had never killed in cold blood, never raped, never betrayed his promises, but short of those three things the rest of his moral code had pretty much vanished with that third soul-destroying loss.
And the very person he was afraid would find out the things that haunted him most was, of course, the person that had made him want to never again be the person who would do those things.
Swan had become his center, had once again opened his heart just as Milah and her son had done, and had reminded him once again that love was more powerful than vengeance.
It was ironic that he was going to die so soon after finding something to live for again.
It was bloody ironic that after over a century of assuming it was revenge that would get him killed he was now going to die because of love.
Secrets keep us apart from those we love.
The words Swan's mother had said to him once, slightly over a year ago but a world away, rang through his head accusingly.
All of this could have been avoided if he had told her the moment the crocodile turned the tables on him and his blackmail. If he had confessed everything to her at the first chance, instead of in a desperate phone message that had been too late and she would never even get to hear.
He was certainly no stranger to knowing he could die at any moment, and he had accepted the possibility for so long that falling back into that mode was almost too easy, but he did wish that he could be completely honest with her before he died.
He wished he could explain that he had only been trying to protect her, that he had been afraid she would try to take on the crocodile if he told her the truth. Although he had never seen her fail, and still held out a glimmer of hope that somehow she could save him from the predicament his rashness and love had put him in, he feared for her life if she truly went up against Rumpelstiltskin. If she died in his arms as Milah once had, he knew that this time nothing would stop him from following the woman he loved into death.
He would never go back to being the man he had once been.
I tried the hero thing, it didn't take.
Go back? I've always been a pirate.
This time it was his words to Swan's parents that echoed through his head.
Despite his own worst intentions at first, his last words had proven false, and he hadn't gone back to being a pirate. He couldn't, not when the light and the love still burned in his heart.
He had thought Swan as lost to him as Liam or Milah, or even Bae, yet had tried to remain the good man she had shown him that he could be, the honorable man he wanted to be once again. Although he had failed once or twice as darkness tried to seep into the cracks of his shattered heart, he had for the most part only been going through the motions of being the man he used to be.
Even without her beside him anymore, even knowing she would never know if he reverted to his old ways -bloody hell she wouldn't remember him at all- he had found that not only could he not do it, he didn't even want to. He was changed, his princess had changed him by reminding him of the good man he had once been and wanted to be again, reminding him that while being alone and caring for no one was safer, it wasn't necessarily better, and it seemed like this time the change was going to stick.
He had gone back to her the moment he was given the chance, not even flinching when the cost was his ship. Because his ship was no longer his life, and he had just been given a way back to the woman who was.
He had eventually proven to her that he was in it for the long haul, and though he had never said the words directly, he knew she was aware he was in love with her. He even believed she might feel the same for him, and had rejoiced every time she let him in just a little bit more.
And ice monsters, caves, and queens aside, they had been happy together.
Just like he had moments ago, he had thought the other day about the Evil Queen's comment that villains don't get happy endings.
But it had seemed like he was to have one with his Swan, she had finally let her walls down, let him in, and though things were moving slowly he had almost let go of the fear that she would run. The pulsing love in his once again whole heart had given him hope that he was a hero once again, even as Swan had told him he was weeks ago.
And then the bloody crocodile had pulled out his heart, and he had known for certain that he was a hero. Even through the pain there had been a moment of wonder before he realized that it didn't matter.
Just because villains didn't get happy endings didn't mean heroes were assured of them. He had only to remember Baelfire to know that.
And although he hadn't been lying when he told Swan that he was a survivor, even with his lifetimes of experience he wasn't certain he could figure a way out of this one. The last time he had been in a twisted situation he couldn't get out of himself, when his very kiss had been cursed, it had been Swan who had saved him.
It had been Swan he trusted enough, loved enough to admit what he had done if only it would keep her safe. But he didn't have that option this time, for the damned crocodile had bound him in chains he could find no way out of.
He hadn't been ordered to do anything yet, it had only been hours since Emma had chosen to keep her magic, and after that exhausting ordeal on top of the worry and panic of the previous day everyone had been exhausted and returned home to sleep.
He had kissed her goodbye, his eyes once again burning into hers, his heart overflowing with words that were unable to pass his lips.
He was still awake when the sun rose, still lying fully dressed on his bed, Rumpelstiltskin's commands running on a loop though his head and he tried to see the way around them. As he tried to see the way to survive this, the same way he had survived Cora, and Regina, and Pan, and all those who had tried to use and manipulate him throughout his life.
But he couldn't see a way out this time.
The monster's words continued to circle through his head, defying his every attempt to work his way out of them, and he muttered one of the filthiest curses he knew as he sat up and reached for his flask of rum.
He let the burn wash away everything but one thought.
He would force the Dark One to kill him before he was used to hurt Emma in any way.
He reached for the phone she had given him, turning it on and pushing the buttons she had shown him to bring up the portraits she called pictures.
Killian stared at the picture she had asked Tony to take at the restaurant, standing by the table with his arm around her shoulders. She had blushed when requesting it, he had simply marveled that it was possible.
He looked at the portrait of them now, and even with his feelings muted he knew that no matter what, he would die himself before he hurt Emma Swan in any way.
He held the thought in his head for a long moment, knowing with every fiber of his being that he would somehow make it true. Much like trading his ship, there was not a sliver of doubt in his mind. He loved her enough to die for her, to welcome his death if it would save her.
Then the crocodile's words began to circle again, and the small flicker of hope he still held began to dim a little further.
You cannot, by action or inaction, by words spoken or written or left unsaid, let anyone know that I have your heart, or anything you know or even suspect of my plans. Nor may you take any action you believe to be detrimental to my cause.
He prayed she would figure it out soon even as he desperately tried to figure out what he could do to help her. He despaired that it wouldn't be enough.
At least he would have the comfort of knowing that he had died a hero, that he had proven himself worthy of her and her trust in him. He would have died for love, and the thought of that was much more peaceful and satisfying than he had ever imagined it could be.
He had given his heart to his princess long before the crocodile stole it from him, he had given it to her when she healed it, and as long as she would be alright in the end he had no regrets.
He turned his thoughts back to how he could help her, tried to keep that tiny flicker of hope alive.
Because there was one thing he knew about heroes. He knew it from Charming, as annoying and overprotective as the man could be. He knew it from Snow White, even as he argued against the stubbornness she had passed on to her daughter. And he knew it from the daughter, Emma Swan, his princess.
He knew that heroes never gave up on the ones they loved.
And so he closed his eyes at last, picturing Emma's smile. Remembering the feel of her in his arms, remembering the taste of her lips and the soft silkiness of her hair.
He kept the hope alive that he would survive once again, with the woman he loved still at his side.
He kept the hope alive by believing that a pirate and a princess could have a happy ending.
He kept the hope alive by remembering that he had seen his heart.
The flame grew as the hero fell asleep dreaming of his princess in his arms.
After all, he had yet to see her fail.
THE END
AN2: This was originally going to end directly after revealing Rumple's command, but the Killian in my head strongly objected, lol. He'd followed her across worlds after all, and believed in her absolutely. And my muse just thought it was wrong to leave you with that much angst. Reviews are much apprecaited as always.