Notes: Contains a slight Insurgent spoiler, mentions intoxication and the attack on Tris, and has all-around depressing subject matter
Disclaimer: All I own of Divergent is my copy of the book.
"Gone, gone, my Beatrice. Gone, the lips I longed to kiss. Into a black and bleak abyss. Gone, gone, gone."
– Dreary, Dreary by the Gothic Archies
We're gathered in the Pit, and Eric is speaking. He's trying to make all of us quiet, even those who are drinking and have had too much. The gong sounds, and the roar softens, meaning Eric can hear himself talk and everyone else can too.
"As you all know, we're here because an initiate fell into the chasm last night. Tris, the transfer from Abnegation."
The crowd falls silent and listens as he goes on about it being an accident. How Peter said she was too scared to hang over the chasm and she bet he couldn't hold her over the railing for a minute. How she was right. He continues on, praising the bravery she has shown since she came here, starting with being the first jumper and including the time knives I threw at her small, unflinching frame. He finishes with her bravery at the very end of her life, that she wasn't scared to hang above the chasm. He excuses the witnesses from any guilt because it wasn't their fault Peter couldn't do it. Even Peter is let off the hook because he was brave enough to try something he didn't know if he could do, and too brave to break down when his arms wobbled.
This is all lies. I am seething at the sound of them. Al, the Sledgehammer who is soft inside, came to me in tears that night. He admitted his guilt and told me the truth, a habit from his time in Candor. I don't know if he's strong enough for Dauntless, if he's able or willing to change who he is. He hasn't given up his honesty, unlike Peter, who invented these lies so no one would know he killed her. He and Al and Drew took Tris. They blindfolded her, groped her, and tossed her around like cats playing with their prey before they killed her.
I blame myself for her death. Peter carried it out, and Drew and Al could have—should have—gone for help, but I could have saved her. If I had come back from the control room even one minute quicker, I would have heard her scream. I would have made them sorry for trying to violate and hurt Tris.
My Tris, though the only hint at her feelings was the moment she took my hand that last evening. My Beatrice, who was just like me and never stopped being selfless. My Tris, who was as tough as nails. I told myself that I would protect her from Eric, that she and I together could survive in Dauntless. We didn't get the chance. I didn't even get a kiss before they took her away from me.
There's no reason for me to stay here. Before she showed up, I already doubted my place in this faction. I wasn't planning to stay past initiation. Now, without her, I can't find any reason to stay that long. I chose Dauntless, but I don't belong here anymore. Evelyn told me I could choose again, and I have. I choose to be factionless.
I'll go to the train yard tonight.