I woke up very early in the morning in hopes to get out of the house before my parents woke up. I knew they would be on a hangover. There aren't many nights I can recall them being sober. Maybe this time I could get away without being belted. I peered around the corner into the kitchen where I had a clear view of the living room. My mother was passed out on the couch and just as I realized my dad wasn't there I heard the toilet flush. I guess I wasn't getting out so easy this time.
"Johnny, you stupid shit why are you here?" His voice was loud and angry and it was obvious he was still drunk.
"I'm here because I live here." The voice inside my head responded but my real voice did nothing. It wouldn't matter anyway if I had said something out loud or in my head, because either way he wouldn't hear it. My words meant nothing to him. I meant nothing to him.
He gave me a few hard blows, but I could take that. Over the years I have learned to tolerate that. But the one thing I can't train myself to do is be able to take their words and the pain of not loving me. They hurt much more than the beatings. He eventually threw me out of the house, which was better than being in there. I probably would have headed straight for Ponyboy's house, but it was really early in the morning and they were probably all asleep. I had no choice but to walk alone, which is something I always fear doing. I checked my back pocket to make sure my knife was there.
My head was aching from where I was hit and from the reflection I saw in a car window, there was a cut right above my left eyebrow. It was visible, but my bangs covered it enough so that it didn't look too bad. It kind of bothers me when the gang notices and bruises or cuts from my parents because they all kind of look at me in a strange sad way and ask me if I'm okay. The voice in my head would scream "No! Help me!" But I'd shut it up and just nod even though inside I knew it was right. I was not okay.
As I walked I tried to keep the scary thoughts of a mustang pulling up beside me out of my head. I had already been through that. It was pretty early anyway so there probably wouldn't be any out. I almost had myself convinced when I heard something that made me freeze and wish I was just dead already at that very moment; a car motor. It was a mustang.
I felt the color drain from my face and from the corner of my eye I could see the bright red mustang creeping up closer to where I stood frozen with fear.
"Hey Grease!" A tall red haired Soc called out.
I was scared to death. I wanted to just disappear before they could get to me and I felt like I was about to puke. But then I thought about Dally. Dally could probably scare off this whole car of Socs by just glaring at them.
"Think like Dally." I told myself.
I tried that. And it worked for a little bit. I seemed pretty tough and fearless. But then the Johnny in me came back and the toughness of Dally faded away. What was left was small, scared Johnny against four Socs, again.