Heey-o. Here is a short one-shot from one of Evie &+ Lidee's AMMAAAZZINGGG conversations. Enjoy it and try not to wet yourself laughing ;) Btw, this will probably turn into a series of amazingly weird one-shots.
HAS SEXUAL REFERENCE + SWEARING
The Lewsters- Take 1
3rd Person's POV
On one day of the week, Jacob and Evie were going for a nice walk through the forest.
They were having fun, singing Camp Rock and High School Musical, when suddenly Stuck in the moment blasted from Jacob's phone.
Because Jake's phone volume was on high, it make him jump and scream like a girl who was getting a bikini wax.
Shaking her head, Evie picked up Jake's phone, which fell from his pocket and looked at who was calling him this late.
Surprisingly, it was Ethan calling at 1am, when he knew that it was Evie and Jake's walk-y time.
After seeing who was calling him, Jacob was distraught.
"WHO, IN THE NAME OF GRANDPAPA K, IS ETHAN, EVIE?" Jake screams bloody murder at Evie, until she is a shrivelled ball of cheese on the floor.
Suddenly, Edward walks out of the trees and explains to Jacob that Evie is thinking- how am I supposed to answer you, YOU MADE ME INTO A NUB OF CHEESE!
Jacob is about to kiss him to thank him, when Edward suddenly disappears and Evie turns back into her normal self.
After ranting on until 2:47am, Evie calms down and allows Jacob to speak.
"I will repeat my question- WHO, IN THE NAME OF GRANDPAPA K, IS ETHAN, EVIE LEWSTER?" Jake repeats, causing Evie to swallow loudly. Jacob never used her full name…
"My, err…..husband?" She replies un-certainly, poking her kind of blue eyes to see what it felt like.
This makes Jacob angry…..
"Oh- go fuck a duck, Black!" Evie rolls one of her eyes, seeing as she poked the other one out.
"Fine, Lewster!" He copied her use of surnames.
Seeing as Jacob had a obsession with fairies that lived in drainpipes, he did in fact, go and fuck a duck…
"Where did you find a duck in a forest?" Edward climbs out of a rabbit hole, while Jacob is watching Edward with lust.
"Ducks are strangely attracted to Jacob's penis." Evie sighed, obviously getting turned on by the image of ducks.
Edward sighs along with her.
"I would know, my darling Evie…" Edward's voice is laced with pixie dust which, evidently, mixes with the helium in the air and causes Evie to choke on it, dropping Jacob's phone in the process.
Edward, being the gentlemanly head he is, helps up Jake's phone and soothes it gently. He carries on doing this until he see's the name Ethan on the screen.
"WHO, IN THE NAME OF GRANDPAPA K, IS ETHAN, EVIE LEZ GREEN-LEAVES LEWSTER?" Edward repeats Jacob, strangely enough.
"My, err…..uncle?" This causes havoc between the threesome of them.
"YOUR MARRIED TO YOUR UNCLE AND ME?" Jacob screeches.
"YOUR REPLACING HIM WITH ME, YOUR OWN UNCLE EDDIE?" Edward cries heart-brokenly at the same time that Jacob speaks.
"Err…no, yes, NO! No, is my final answer. Truthfully, I am in love with Ethan and you, Jacob; GET OVER IT! And while we are talking about who I'm in love with, you can add Emmett, Damien, Stefan, Damon, Stark AND Jasper to the list." Who knew that Evie had such a educational wink? Edward didn't; that's for sure….
"Evvieee…..we have COOMMEEE to AVEENNAGGEEE yooouuuu….." What was that? A whisper from the shadows?
…
(Cue surprised face)
"OMG! ROSALIE, ALICE!" Edward screamed louder than a bird falling up to grass, "ALICE! I THOUGHT YOU HAD RUN AWAY WITH JASPER TO HIDE FROM THE VOLTURI AND STUFF!"
(Cue shocked face)
"There is no hiding, from the Volturi…" Aro hissed from the shadows.
"YAAAAYYYY! ITS ARO!" Alice ran over to him and kissed the inside of his elbow, repeatedly, "GIMME AN A! A! GIMME A R…."
"Actually, I'm changing my name to Aero, like the chocolate bar, seeing as the name Aro upset my dear Marcus so much. You know, because somebody called Aro killed his wife Didyme. Plus, who doesn't like the chocolate bar, Aero?" Aero interrupted Alice's cheerleader chant.
"I don't!" Rosalie evilly laughs like a mad scientist before biting Evie on the ankle, "I like the taste of EVIE BLOODDD!"
"ROSALIE!" Emmett looks shocked and comes to stand next to Jacob, "I have told you and told you to stop biting people who's names are Evie! This is it- you have crossed a line. I am leaving you!"
After Rosalie drinks some of Evie's blood, she kisses Alice (don't deny it, everybody wants to!) and starts to dry-hump Alec until Jane zaps her with a lightsaber.
(Cue evil laugh)
"NOOO!" Evie screams, agonized and running over to Rosalie, "MY LOOVVERRR! MY DRY-HUMP BUDDY!"
Everybody is wondering how Evie became alive (obviously) so Edward helpfully explains that Evie's vampire power is that she is turned into a vampire without the three-day period of burning.
Because of the immature poop he is, Caius laughs at the word period.
"Sooo…Evie," Alec narrows his eyes at her, upset that Rosalie had been dry-humping someone besides him, "Looks like you've been making your way around…"
"MOOOOHARRHARRHARRHARRR!" Jane's manly, cow-like laugh, bounced off the leaves in the trees while Evie writhed with pain on the floor.
During this manic episode of panic, and Alice saying that she likes poems but only rhyming ones, Lidee had turned up and died.
Evie forgotten, Lidee dying makes everybody cry silently.
Marcus sings amazing grace.
Alice does an sad Irish dance.
Evie is still writhing on the floor in pain.
Jacob give's Lidee an Eskimo kiss and his tears fall down her face.
Edward kisses Lidee's ring finger, where her engagement ring to him lies.
The rest of the Volturi place Lidee into a glass case, find seven dwarfs and place flowers around her, seeing as Snow White was Lidee's favourite Disney story. They would have found her a prince charming but Edward would have never allowed it.
Once everybody had finished mourning, they could hear a faint hello in the distance.
Ethan was still on the phone…
Soooo…like this random one-shot? WELL, WE HOPE YOU DID :DDDDDDD Review pweez :) x