One-shot inspired by a dream I had... I just sat down and started writing and then couldn't really stop... I have no idea where all this is coming from. All I know is that it helped me loads to just get it out on paper. Thought I'd share with you ;)
Numb
My fingers drummed lazily on the wooden table, my eyes fixated on the framed picture hanging on the wall as I thought of what I was about to do. What I had to do.
Our wedding picture.
Miley and me. My wife, in a beautiful off white wedding dress. Me, in the customary black tux.
She was literally glowing on the picture, her wide smile radiating off of her. I didn't remember ever wearing a bigger smile myself than the day I got married to the love of my life.
It was the only picture we had left in the house. The others either destroyed, ripped apart, or merely removed and stuffed in the back of a cupboard.
The sound of keys turning in the front door drew my attention and I, all of sudden, dreaded what was to come.
"Miley? Is that you?"
"Do you know of anybody else who lives here?" She hollered back, sarcasm evident in her tone.
Stupid question, I should have known. I swallowed down the knot rising in my throat and waited for her to appear.
And she did, looking as beautiful as ever in the wake of the trauma she had been through. We had been through.
"I'm sorry." I told her quietly. "It was a stupid question."
"Yeah it was." She walked straight passed me and stopped at the kitchen counter. She opened the overhead cupboard, wincing slightly at the strenuous movement.
I didn't say a word as I gently caught her wrists and prevented her from getting the glass on her own. She huffed at my hovering – something I had gotten used to over the past few months. Only the reasons for my hovering now were quite different from the ones I had had a few weeks ago.
"Are you sure you should be back at work? You can barely lift your arms without wincing." I told her, softly, knowing all too well what her answer to that would be.
"So what am I supposed to do? Lay around all day and do nothing?" She grabbed the glass from my hands and poured herself a glass of water.
"Resting isn't a bad thing."
"There's only so long you can rest, Nick." She retorted, lifting the glass to her lips. "There's only so much time you can spend in bed, letting your thoughts consume you."
I gently took a hold of her wrist and tugged on it, motioning for her to sit down.
It was intervention time.
"I'm taking you to the doctor so she can certify that you're not ready to go back to work." She stared at me, processing the piece of information I had just given her.
"You can't just command me to go see the doctor!" She finally let out, her voice rising.
"I'm not commanding you. I'm asking you."
"And if I say no?"
"Then I'll give this back to you." I fingered the ring sitting on my left ring finger.
I was being tough, I knew that. And it broke my heart. Being tough with Miley was something I wished I never ever had to do. But drastic times called for drastic measures.
"Are you threatening me?" Her eyes narrowed.
"I like to call it blackmail." A small, fake smirk twisted the corner of my lips.
"Are you seriously my husband? 'Cause my husband wouldn't ever divorce me." Her eyes watered.
That was a good sign. At least she wasn't numb. According to the doctor it was better for her to feel rather than not feel. It meant she was one step closer to coming to terms with... the trauma she had been through.
"Well maybe you don't know your husband as well as you thought?" I replied, struggling to keep my voice from breaking.
The tears had disappeared and her eyes were now blazing with a fire I was all too familiar with.
"You're a jackass." Her voice was rough. "Maybe I'll divorce you before you get the chance."
"Not if I get an annulment before." I replied, my eyes betraying everything I was feeling inside.
The tears were back. And so was my broken heart.
"What are you saying?" She wiped angrily at the tear rolling down her cheek.
"I'm saying that if I can't be the husband you need then maybe this was a mistake." I pointed to the two of us.
"You don't mean that." Her voice was shaking and the fear was obvious in her eyes.
Did she really think I could just get up and leave without a look back?
I hated to think that she could although it worked in my favour if she did. It was the only way the plan would work. I stood up and started pacing, my heart pounding against my chest. What was I doing?
"Are you-" Her voice was quiet now. "Is this because I might never be able to give you the big family you always wanted?" She cast her eyes downward, locking them on her fingers resting on the table. She twisted her wedding band around a few times and I felt my heart clench. I stopped pacing and stared at her, my eyes wide as I realised the glimpse I had just gotten of the woman I had married several months prior.
"You know the answer to that." I tried to keep my answer short, knowing that if I said anymore I would burst into tears. I was hanging on by a thread, a thread that was so close to snapping.
Her eyes bore into mine. She was trying to read me. I could only hope her distraught emotions would prevent her from reading me this time around.
"Do I?" She replied, wiping weakly at her tears.
"Yes, you do." I sat down again and took a hold of her hand, ending the whole wedding ring twisting thing she had going. It was driving me nuts.
"Then why, why would you consider-" Her throat constricted and another batch of tears cascaded down her cheeks.
"I don't know what do to do anymore, Miley." The thread I was hanging on had broken and I felt my share of tears dampen my cheeks. "You're pushing me away." I gulped, waiting for an outburst on her part. I was pleasantly surprised when she remained quiet, seeming to be listening. "You act fine. You put on a brave face. You're going on with your life as if nothing happened." I shook my head. "If it weren't for the physical soreness, you would have been running around the house doing laundry and all kinds of chores the day you got out of hospital."
"People lose babies all the time, Nick. It's not the end of the world."
"No, it's not. But you're allowed to grieve. You're allowed to feel."
"I feel plenty, thank you very much." Her unreadable expression was back.
"That's the thing. You're not." I tried to ignore the shooting pain I felt in my chest when she retracted her hand from mine and turned away from me. "I held your hand during the funeral." I was no longer controlling my tears and my voice was rougher than I would have liked it to be. "You didn't let one single tear roll down your cheek."
"So I'm a cold hearted monster." She threw up her hands in the air. "Divorce me, then."
"Is that what you want?" I wiped away my tears and watched as a flash of surprise crossed her features. My question had taken her by surprise.
"You're the one who brought it up." I had to stop crying if I wanted to get my point across to her. I had to be strong. God, I was such a wimp. You would have thought I was the one carrying the baby by the way I was acting.
"Divorce isn't the answer." I replied evenly.
"So why bring it up?"
"I wanted to see how you would react. I wanted to see if you would react at all."
"So what? You're testing me now? How much of a jerk do you have to be to want to hurt me more than I already am?"
"If you're hurt, you're not showing it."
"I don't need to show it to know I'm hurting."
"It's not healthy to bottle things up."
"There's no point in crying either, is there? It's not going to make the-" She swallowed hard. "the b-baby come back now, is it?"
"No." I swallowed roughly. "But things will get better."
"Things are fine, Nick."
"No, they're not."
"Is this about the sex? If you're that horny and unsatisfied you can go find it somewhere else."
"I could go the rest of my life without sex as long as you are by my side." I replied instantly, not giving her a chance to say anymore about the subject.
"I'm right here."
"Yeah you are. And yet you're not."
"Like that makes sense."
"Your body's there. But you're not. The woman I know, the woman I love has been buried somewhere deep inside you. I don't even know who you are, right now. I don't know how to act around you. I don't know who you want me to be. I don't know what you want me to be."
"So this is all about you, is it?" She crossed her arms over her chest.
"You're putting words in my mouth."
"What do you want from me?" She finally asked, her voice breaking. "Do you want me to yell?"
"That would be good start."
"What's the point? All it's going to do is give me – and you - a goddamn headache."
"You're giving me a headache regardless." I tried to tease her.
"I don't want to feel." She finally conceded, ignoring my poor humorous skills.
"Why?" I brought my chair closer to hers and took a hold of her hand, squeezing it between my own.
"I don't want to break down."
"Letting your emotions out is not a crime, Mi."
"I don't want to go to sleep at night because all I see is her face." She chocked back a sob. "A face I never got to see. A baby I never got to know."
"I know, sweetie, I know."
"So I keep myself busy until I'm so exhausted I can't do anything but sleep." She wiped at the tears rolling down her cheeks. "I don't want to get out of bed in the morning." She confessed, her teary eyes locking on mine. The pain in them made my heart clench.
"But you do anyways." I replied, trying to keep her talking.
"I didn't want to worry you." She let out a humourless laugh. "That backfired, didn't it?" I smiled softly, bringing my lips to her forehead.
"Just a little."
"I didn't want to be part of those women who think losing their baby is the end of the world. There's so many worse things that happen every single day out there, in the world."
"That's not your responsibility, sweetheart."
"I'm lucky. I have everything money can buy. I lack nothing materially speaking. I have more than I need." She shook her head, seeming angry at herself. "I have you. A loving, amazing husband." More tears spilled down her cheeks as she cupped my cheek with her free hand. "You make me so happy and how do I repay you? By killing your first unborn child."
My eyes widened.
"Miley." I cupped her cheeks with my hands and lifted her face so we were eye to eye. "Look at me." I instructed, my voice harsher than I intended it to be. Her eyes were fearful when they finally settled on mine. "You did NOT kill our baby, do you hear me? You had a miscarriage. It was NOT your fault. Are we clear?" She nodded her head reluctantly.
"She would be here with us, right now, if it weren't for that car crash."
"Somebody hit you, Miley. It was not your fault."
"I should not have been driving in the first place. The doctor had warned me the dizzy spells could endanger me and the life of others if I took the wheel."
"Were you dizzy at the time of the accident?" I asked her, a question I already knew the answer to.
"No, but-"
"No buts. It was not your fault." Her petite shoulders started shaking as she sobbed and I immediately pulled her in my arms, trying to console her.
"I loved her so much." She cried out when her sobs had subsided the slightest bit.
"I know, honey, I know. I did too. We all did." I let my cheek rest on the top of head.
"I just... I wanna forget it all. I wanna forget it ever happened."
"We will always cherish her." I whispered, kissing her head repeatedly.
"When I heard she was-" Her bottom lip quivered, "gone, I felt like I had failed you."
"Failed me?" I whispered incredulously. "How so?"
"I don't know." I gave her the time to formulate what she felt. "I felt like, after all what you had done for me, I hadn't been able to reward you with a baby. I hadn't been able to carry her throughout like you deserved."
"This is about you as much as it is about me, Mi. You didn't owe me anything. You did as much for me as I did for you by simply loving me." I shook my head at her. "I would say you did more for me than I ever did for you, but I guess that's debatable in your eyes." She nodded her head yes. "One day, when this house will be filled with little yous and mes, you will look back on this and realise just how strong you are. Both physically and mentally."
"Promise?"
"I promise."
"How can you be sure?"
"Didn't you hear the doctor? You're going to be just fine, Mi. Your vagina is just fine." I whispered, a small smile stretching my lips at the mention of our future babies' temporary 'home'. A little giggle escaped her lips and my heart rejoiced at the precious sound.
"You're quite the perfect husband, aren't you, Mr Jonas?"
"Not as perfect as you are a wife, Mrs Jonas." I kissed her lips softly. "I love you, Miley. More than you will ever know."
"I think I might have a fair idea." She smiled back. "Because I love you more." I rolled my eyes playfully at her cheesy-ness.
"Nuh-uh. Not possible." I rubbed my nose against hers. "How's the scar?" I questioned softly, moving my hand to her tummy.
"Hurts from time to time." She admitted with a frown. "But it's slowly going away."
"You don't have to hide yourself from me, Mi." I told her seriously. "I love you for who you are."
"I know." She whimpered. "I just, seeing the scar- I- I just thought it would break your heart more than it already is." She placed her warm hand on my chest for emphasis.
"We're in this together. Your scar is mine as well." I pulled her up so we were standing. "Show me." I demanded. "Please." For a second, I thought she was going to refuse and hide her body away from me. But she didn't. She slowly lifted her top until I saw the scar across her stomach. My fingers trembled as I let them touch her skin and gently ran them over the only physical scar that marked the short lived existence of our unborn baby girl.
"Did I hurt you?" I panicked when I noticed the tears in her eyes. She shook her head quickly and placed my hand back on her stomach.
"It's just- it's just been a while since you've touched me." She cried. "The last time you touched my stomach, she was kicking." I swallowed back a sob of my own and pulled my wife into my arms, pulling her tightly against me.
"She was quite the footballer." I smiled through my tears.
"I can't believe I used to complain at how much she kicked." She shook her head at herself. "All that seems so-"
"Mi?" I whispered, holding her as close as I could to me.
"Mmm?" She lifted her head from my chest, letting her fatigued blue eyes settle on my face.
"When you-" I swallowed thickly. "Before they took you into surgery..." I looked away from her worried gaze, seeming unable to look her in the eye as I told her this. "I told them to save you." As my eyes focused back on her, I noticed the puzzled look on her face. I shook my head as I felt the tears sting my eyes. "I told them that if it came down to a choice..."
Her beautiful face turned into a pained expression as realisation dawned upon her.
"I was so scared." I went on, seeming unable to stop talking. "I was so scared to lose you. I know this sounds horrible but all I could think of was that there was only one you..."
"And we could always make another baby." She concluded for me. I buried my face into her hair, and relished at the feeling of her arms around me, pulling me closer to her body. She was consoling me.
"You're my world." I wept. "Life without you-"
"Shhhh..." She whispered, showering my face with her warm, comforting kisses. "I know, baby, I know."
"You don't get it, Mi." I whispered, letting my head fall against her chest. "Life without you is not a life for me. I-I don't think I would have survived if-"
"I'm here, baby. I'm here." She repeated, cupping my face in her hands. "I'm not going anywhere."
"I know, I know." I breathed, feeling like a helpless little boy. "But for a second there-"
"Don't think about it." She whispered. "I'm here now." She repeated.
"I don't know what I would do if anything ever happened to you." I cried, letting out the countless number of emotions I had bottled up since I had gotten a call from the hospital, informing me of my pregnant wife's car accident. A car accident that could have very well taken her away from me along with my unborn daughter.
"I know it's horrible to think I could make a choice... but Mi-"
"Shhhh... I understand. I know." She reassured. "I would have done the same thing, sweetie."
"Thank you." I whispered against her skin. "Thank you."
"You don't have anything to thank me for." She cried with me, kissing my lips over and over. "I love you so much."
"I love you." I kissed her lips. "I love you, I love you." I repeated.
"You're my world, Nick. Life without you would be hell." I shook my head.
"You're such a strong person, Mi. You would be fine without me." She shook her head.
"No, I wouldn't be. I feel very much the same way about you than you do about me."
"You looked-" I was crying again. "You looked so pale when they brought you into the hospital." I tried to shake off the memory. "I-I thought you had already left me-"
"Shhhhh..." She rocked me back and forth in her arms, letting my tears soak her top. "I'm here. I love you."
"And then when they found a pulse-" I was reliving every single moment I had gone through that night. "I felt like I was breathing again. And then they said you had a bunch of internal injuries, I couldn't even process it. I-I couldn't even think of our daughter. How bad of a dad does that make me?" I lamented.
"You were worried about me. You would have been a wonderful father, Nick. You will be an amazing dad, someday. I promise you."
"But I couldn't think of her. I was so numb. I wanted to see you open your eyes, that's all I cared about."
"That's only normal, sweetie."
"And when they took you in for surgery... I didn't want to let you out of my sight. I couldn't handle not knowing what was happening to you. And to think of them opening you up and cutting through your body... It was too much to handle." I took a moment to breathe and wiped my nose with my hand. "And then when they came running out of the OR, searching for more blood." I choked on my own saliva. "I panicked. I told them to take all my blood if it could save you."
"We don't have the same blood group." She whispered, wiping my tears with her soft hands.
"I wasn't being rational. I didn't care. I just wanted you to-"
"to live." I nodded.
"And then they said the baby needed a transfusion. She wasn't-" I sobbed. "She wasn't gone yet. They said she had the same blood group as I did so they took my blood for her. But it wasn't enough."
"You did everything you could." She was crying with me.
"I should have done more." I wept.
"There's nothing more you could have done, honey." She ran her fingers through my hair, trying to calm me down.
"When you came out of surgery..." The image would be forever imprinted in my head. "You looked so fragile. I thought a simple touch would break you. And your stomach- it- it wasn't as big as it had been when you first came in."
"They told me I could see her, if I wanted." I cried. "I didn't go. I couldn't leave you. I didn't go see our daughter for the few hours she lived. All I could think about was you. And they couldn't bring her to me because she was in an incubator..." I took a breath. "Your hands were in braces." I remembered. "They said they were broken because you had placed them on your stomach before the impact. The first and last thing you thought about was our baby. And all I could think about was you and how I would live without you. Our baby needed me too and I didn't go."
"It's not your fault." She repeated the same words I had told her moments earlier. "She wasn't mature enough to live." She was so strong. How did she do it?
"But I could have met her. I could have told her how much we loved her... I could have touched her."
"Her lungs were tiny. She was 4 months premature... She couldn't have survived it."
"I'm sorry." I wept. "I'm sorry. It's all my fault. If I had told her just how much we loved her, she would have fought-"
"No, Nick. She was just too small." She wiped at the tears flooding my cheeks. "I'm sure she knew just how much she was loved." She held me closer to her body. "I know she knew just how good of a dad you would have been to her." She brushed my curls back and looked down at me, her loving gaze never leaving me. "Don't you remember how she used to respond to your voice?" She smiled at the memory. "Every time you spoke, she would kick. When I was being horrible to you, she'd kick the hell out of me, as if telling me to keep my hormones in check." She laughed weakly. "She was already a daddy's girl. She was already taking your side." Her words made me cry all the more and I held tighter onto her neck. "When you placed your hand on my stomach at night and told her to put off the football game for a few hours so mommy could sleep, she would listen." She shook her head. "I was jealous of your bond." She laughed. "I was the one carrying her and she already seemed to be closer to you."
"She would have loved you so much." I whispered as I looked at my beautiful wife. She would have been such a good mother. She would be, one day, the greatest of moms. "She would have looked like you. Smiled like you." I smiled despite myself. "She would have been Disney's new princess." I couldn't help but laugh with her.
"She would have had you wrapped around her little finger." She went on. "And she would have come crying to me, complaining about just how overprotective you were." I laughed through my tears.
"That, I would have." I tried to smile but my heart was aching. "I loved her so much."
"I know you did." She smiled sweetly. "She loved you too."
"But I wasn't there for her when she needed me."
"She wouldn't have wanted you to be any place else." She whispered, brushing her lips against my forehead. "She knew mommy needed you."
"And she knew I needed you."
So uhm yeah, sorry I didn't warn you about the heavy emotional part in this...Weird ending, I know.
Your thoughts?
Don't ask me what was going through my head when I wrote this. Just consider it as... therapeutic writing (for me).
xoxo