What Fools We Women Can Be Part 1
JAG: Mac/Harm…Shipper…not really Webb Friendly
Summary: This is set to take place in the days that follow the whole Sadik debacle and all that not so fun stuff. Yeaper…
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em…are you happy!
Mac's POV
Washington D. C. (unknown location)
0200 hrs
Who the hell am I fooling? I don't love this man that is lying next to me in bed. I could never love him. He can't offer me anything I want. No stability, no interest in having a family, and he is not willing to give it all up just on the off chance that I would even consider spending the rest of my life with him.
Damn…I am a fool. What the hell have I done? Tonight I felt totally out of control and not in a good way. This was worse than when I would go on all night drinking binges. There is so much more going on here. I wanted comfort and what I thought was love, and instead of going to someone who I knew would understand what I really needed and not what I thought I wanted, I allowed myself to revert back to my old ways and fell into bed with another drunken man. I think what makes it worse is that in the last week…this isn't the first time I have allowed this to happen. That and the fact that the fool thinks I am in love with him.
Maybe this is what I deserve. Maybe I don't deserve a good job or a closet full of comfortable shoes. I know I sure has hell don't deserve a good man after the way I have behaved with this less than stellar specimen of the male gender. I have no idea what to do about this situation. The way I see it, I lose either way. I can't tell the man lying next to me that I don't really love him. He was simply there and was a way for me to deal with a mess that I refused to take responsibility for let alone clean up. . . If I do leave this man tonight and never look back, I run the risk of breaking his heart and my own. Because the man that I love, not the one lying next to me, but the one in an apartment across town, might not love me anymore. Or I could not move from this place, and let myself get sucked in even deeper to the point that I can never go back to the place where I once was happy and truly in love.
The man next to me stirs and lets out a small breath. I can smell the bourbon on his breath. Did I really think I would be happy with a man that was so careless with my feelings? He doesn't even reach out for me in his sleep. I know what I have to do. But what if…no…it doesn't matter anymore. It's the only way I am going to be able to get back to my old self--if I still can. I roll out of bed and pick up my clothes. I realize that in the time that I have been dating this man, very little of my possessions have made their way over to his apartment and vice versa. In fact, the only thing he keeps at my apartment is a small tumbler and a bottle of vintage something or other. I just keep a spare tooth brush and that's it. Guess this will be the easiest break up in my history. I just thank the lord that there is not a ring involved.
I dress quickly not taking notice of how rumpled I look. I grab my purse and leave the tooth brush behind. I don't even leave a note and for that, I don't feel bad. He's a spook. He'll understand why I slipped away in the dead of night. It's right up his alley. I get in my car and sit there. I don't want to go back to my apartment. Not right now. It needs to be cleaned of all the mistakes that I have made over the last year. I can't deal with that right now, at least not by myself. I have one other place I can go except for that apartment across town where the man I need is sleeping soundly…alone.
Union Station
0245
I have been sitting outside his building for almost 5 minutes. I know he is sleeping. The lights are off in his apartment. I could always use my key and crash on his couch. I open the car door and get out shutting the door as softly as possible. I make my way into the building and up the stairs. I don't trust the elevator anymore in this place. It tends to get people stuck in limbo. That's not a fun place to be at 2 in the morning. I reach his floor and make my way down the hall. I can hear music coming from one of the apartments on this floor. It seems to be in one near his because it gets louder as I make my way down the hall.
I am just a few feet away from his door when I realize that the music is coming from his apartment. Actually the music is coming from him and his guitar. I just stand there and look at the door. I don't even raise my hand to knock. I can feel the tears falling down my cheeks and realize that I have reached my breaking point.
I am still looking at the door when I realize that the music has stopped. I look down at the ground and at my shoes. The really aren't all that comfortable, but I guess that doesn't really matter.
"Mac?"
I didn't even hear the door open. I whip my head up and come face to face with the bluest and greenest eyes I have ever seen. For a man of few words when it comes to matters of the heart, he has eyes that tell everything his heart is feeling. All I can do is nod my head. I have no voice, no words, just tears and regret. I see him giving me the once over and the look of pain that contorts his face is enough to make me want to crawl into a hole in the ground.
He gently takes my hand and brings me into his apartment where he closes the door and takes my coat. Once the coat is hung on the wall, he takes another look at me. Now I feel dirty. I didn't even shower after having spent the night with another man. And here I am standing in the apartment of the man I say I love covered in another man's scent. I just can't seem to stop hurting him. He disappears behind the glass blocks that make up his bedroom and then he is off to the bathroom. I begin to lose focus on everything around me. I am just kind of there. I don't even hear him turn the shower on. I feel him take my hand once again and guide me to the bathroom. I watch him turn to leave. In a vain attempt to form some sort of word, a squeak escapes my lips and he turns to look I me. All I can do is give him a pleading look and a few short hiccups from crying.
He gives me a look of concern and confusion. I go to say something, anything, but I quickly close my mouth and look down at the floor. I feel him approaching me, but I can't bring myself to look up. He slowly lifts my chin with his finger. I take one look into his eyes and the damn breaks. I am sobbing uncontrollably. The next thing I feel is my body being crushed to his stronger one. I finally find the words I have been looking for.
"I'm sorry."
They are barely a whisper and are spoken in between sobs, but they have been said and now I know there is no going back. His embrace only tightens and he buries his nose in the crook of my neck. This causes me to pull away slightly. The moment I do that I regret it because now he thinks I am pushing him away. I slowly feel him pull away from me. I grab his arm and turn him to face me once again. He looks at me and I squeeze his arm. I look over at the running shower and then back at him. I know I need help, but does he know that I only need his help?
"Please."
It's barely a whisper. I wasn't sure he heard it. I thought maybe the running water might have drowned out my plea for help. Or maybe he saw it all in my eyes. I'll never know. All I do know is that he is helping me get out of my clothes. He is being careful as if he is afraid I am going to break. There is nothing sexual in the way he is removing my clothes. I know for most women this might be a problem, but for me it's not. He knows I am not looking for sex at the moment. He knows I am looking for someone to take care of me and that is what he is doing.
He helps me into the shower and makes a move to close the sliding door. Before he gets it all the way closed, I stop his hand from moving.
"Thank you."