This is my first South Park writing. And my first in general I guess, but I won't ask you to "be nice" like everybody else does. I personally don't care if you tell me how bad it is. It's what I need to improve and stuff. So, tear it apart!
Holy crap, I knew Stan was good at Guitar Hero, but I didn't know he was actually good at playing guitar for REAL. Maybe he had taken his dad up on the offer when everybody else left. Cartman, after all, was making a big deal of how lame it was to play a real guitar. I think he was just annoyed. But, standing in the doorway of my Super Best Friend's room, I noticed that he was strumming away to some song acoustically while it was murmuring through the speakers of the radio electrically. His blue, blue eyes were staring at the floor, but he wasn't looking at it. He seemed to be spacing out and away. And for a moment I thought I wouldn't be able to keep him from denying gravity.
"Stan?" my mouth asked, I didn't notice I had said anything at all until he looked up at me through shiny, ebony hair. I wanted to reach out and comb through it. He smiled and told me to sit with him. I smiled back just to be polite and joined him on his bed. His eyes were surrounded by bloodshot pools that told me he was up all night doing something that probably could've been done later. But that was Stan, he was a hard worker. And he would devote himself to whatever required his allegiance.
"What's up?" he asked me, I looked into his blue depths for the third time in five minutes and found myself void of an answer. I wasn't sure what I had come to him for, I just felt like I needed to. Lately, I've been so without purpose; I don't know what to do with myself. So I just bugged Stan every chance I got. Though, I could tell he really didn't mind me at all.
"I don't know, I haven't done much. Kenny is being forced by his mom to help Cartman study for the algebra test coming up soon." I lay back, cradling my head in my arms on his bed. I looked up at the ceiling. It was covered with posters of these bands that Stan had liked when he went Goth. He was over that now, and every time someone mentions it to him, he blushes and mutters to himself. It was pretty funny. But I never laughed because I knew that he hated when I laughed at him. And even though he wasn't Goth anymore, he still liked those various artists.
"Kenny can do math? Cartman and studying? Oh my god, please don't tell me that you aren't Jewish anymore." He chuckled to himself. I smiled faintly, I didn't find it funny that much, but I did it to humor him. He was trying to hold a conversation with me. It was hard for both of us because we were in middle school now. And you know how that can change people almost melodramatically. We had a lot of classes together, because we both try hard on our work and stuff. Kenny and Cartman have all the dumb people classes, so we only seem them in PE and at lunch. Which is fine with me, I've always liked hanging out with Stan more than those two anyway.
"I know, it's come kind of easily to Kenny, but I don't know about Cartman." We both lay down now. He was looking at me from the corner of his eye, I noticed. I smiled to myself and shut my own eyes. We lay like that for some undetermined amount of time, it felt like total bliss. The silence was a welcoming one that helped me think of what to say next. It was like, an encouraging envelope of thought.
"Do you think I'm a loser for playing guitar? I know Cartman thinks it's gay, but I really like to do it." He looked at me, his eyes tired and bloodshot, blue as blue can be, and with a hint of something that said I'm tired, hoping that I would say what he wanted to hear. What he wanted to hear being that he wasn't a gay wad loser asshole because he played an instrument.
"No, I don't care. It doesn't make you any different. You're still Stan. And that is all that really matters… to me anyway." I looked to him finally, his eyes thanking me with a silent, solemn promise. I looked away then, it felt weird to be so close to someone. I forgot what I was doing and laid with Stan until he sat back up and started to strum again. It looked like he was playing a song that he had taught himself. He kept scrunching his nose in thought while his eyes traveled up to the ceiling every time he tried to remember a note that came next and seemed just out of reach. He would remember and nod to himself, playing it and moving on until he forgot again, which he only did five times.
I smiled and watched him as he completely forgot I was there and started to drown in the sound of his own musical world. I curled up against the pillow on his bed and closed my eyes again. I listened to the only things I heard. His steady strumming of an unfamiliar but recognizable tune and the heartbeat under my chest. Everything else was blocked out and I couldn't focus on anything but those two noises. It was the most peace I had felt in weeks. It was hard for me because Ike was being tortured at school for being Canadian and Jewish. And I hated it when I couldn't help him. I felt like it was my job. He had learned what comes with being older and in third grade. It was difficult to be keeping up with school work for me, even though it came naturally to me, I had lost my touch and could barely swim with the flooding current.
And the worst part is… I could actually feel a wall sprouting and becoming nourished between Stan and me. Our friendship was dying like a bonfire on the fourth of July. When it was once a big, relentless forest fire that seemed to be out to get everybody and then leave them behind with a feeling that reminded them of burnt leaves. We weren't Super Best Friends anymore, just Best Friends, and before I know it, we'll be friends; then people who know each other, then a face that just hung around in the back of our minds with the name on the edge of our tongue but we don't look hard enough to find it. And then we'll all forget about each other and live with an invisible hole in our minds that seemed to grow and grow as you leave more and more people behind and burn all the bridges in your heart; that old wrinkled thing that was pinned to your sleeve long ago.
That would be the ultimate sign of death in my mind.
"Kyle, do you like or know the band Get Scared? I really like them, but I only know a few songs by them because they're kind of a new band with only six songs on their one album." He wasn't looking at me, he was putting his guitar away and pulling a different one out. It looked like an electric one, the same one that his dad had shown us that one day when we were younger and into Guitar Hero. He also pulled the amplifier out and plugged it into a nearby wall. I got out from under his bed covers and sat upright again. It felt weird being so tense and having this little pointless conversation with someone who used to talk about everything under the sun with me. I shrugged and he nodded.
"I don't think I've heard of them. You know I'm not totally into music anyway. That seems to be more of your thing now." He smiled but it looked a little forced. I winced at that. I hated when I pissed him off with a little comment that shouldn't have in the first place. I watched him shake his head and let his hair flop around over his eyes. It looked like he still might have just a pinch of Goth still inside him, if not, only in his hair. He hooked his guitar up to the amp and strummed one little note to make sure it was working. Once he was satisfied with the volume and quality of the sound, he began to play this one song that probably belonged to the Get Scared people.
It was a pretty cool riff but sounded like it was missing something because it probably had rhythm and main guitar parts. Then, without expecting it, Stan started singing the lyrics that matched the music. I didn't think he would be the singing type due to that one time when he was jealous of Bridon because he was getting attention from Wendy because he could sing. It sounded like he was even practicing this song. It was pretty odd.
I'm so nervous it shakes the fingertips that are coursing through you hair
with those lovely lips that are made to kiss,
you put me in a spin.
You've got the body of a goddess
You've got the moves that make me sweat
You've got a voice that makes me breathless.
He paused, smirking at me triumphantly. I smiled back, but I still felt the surprised twinkle glittering in my eyes. I watched him continue and he seemed to get more energy than he had had for days. It looked like he might take off and fly.
Girl, I've got you
under a spell and I don't think I'll be letting you out
I've got you
if this is heaven than baby
I don't want to know hell.
What he did surprised me again. He set his guitar down and sat really close to me on his bed, he leaned into me, and I thought he was going to kiss me, my face lit up like the Christmas tree in Stan's living room, but after a minute or two, I still didn't feel anything on my lips. What I did hear though, was whispering in my ear that made me shiver as the rough lips that were chapped because lack of care scarped the edge of my ear.
"Did you like it so far?" he asked me right there, still in my face. I could smell his hair which automatically reminded me of winter. No, he didn't smell Christmas-y. He smelled like snow that had melted over a blooming flower just before spring. Cold and soft. I shivered again and closed my eyes. Waiting for anything, something to happen. We had never been like this before. It was new and I didn't know what was up with him. He grabbed the back of my head roughly and shoved his mouth closer to my ear, if that was possible at the moment.
"Well?" was all he said. I tripped over possible responses in my mind, I opened my mouth and closed it feeling stupid when nothing came out. It seemed like he was frozen to the spot he was in until I gave him any form of a response, even if it was just a word or two.
"I think you're pretty good for not liking singing for so long." I smiled against his shoulder. He huffed and pulled away finally. He was smiling again. I just didn't get him sometimes. My phone started ringing as soon as I was ready to ask him why he did that, and when I looked to see the Caller ID, I saw that it was Kenny. I answered it and Stan started to clean up his instrument stuff while I spoke.
"Hey, Kyle! I'm finished with Cartman and I'm coming to your house with him. Is Stan there? I wanna hang out." I listened to his deep voice. Kenny had grown a lot over the years and he was big and mature and everything. All the high school girls wanted to go out with him and he wasn't even out of middle school yet. Even Shelly, Stan's sister, had a huge crush on him and loved it when he came over. She still called Stan and I turds though. I don't know why she wasn't calling Cartman that anymore…
"No, don't go to my house, I'm at Stan's. Just come and get us over here. We're all ready to go and stuff." I looked to Stan, asking him without words if he was ready. He nodded at me and I gave Kenny the okay. They were over in record time. Cartman even managed to find Butters hiding from him and dragged him along. It felt like we were in the fourth grade again. I smiled to myself for the millionth time that day and watched as Stan went downstairs to tell his mom that we were leaving. I suddenly just felt cold. I followed after my dark haired friend who felt like a familiar stranger and ended up bumping into him because he was coming up the stairs as I attempted to go down them. We hit our foreheads together and I yelped and he cursed softly under his breath. He grabbed me as I started to fall backward and then pulled me in close.
"You're cold." He whispered into my ear for the second time that day and carried me up the rest of the way to his room. He dug through his closet looking for something and pulled out a black sweatshirt. He threw it to me from where I was sitting on his bed again and I put it on without even thinking. To my great surprise, it didn't fit me at all. It was pretty loose on me. The arms were too long and the mid section went down to my thighs. Huge was like an understatement.
"Thank you." I said, feeling breathless. All of a sudden, there was loud knocking on the door that we could recognize as Cartman banging the door down with his chubby, gloved hands. We both rushed downstairs again, this time successfully, and opened the door together. We smiled as we were bombarded by all of our friends with ideas of what we could do to pass the time. I noticed that Kenny wasn't there, and asked about him to the rest of the group.
"Ah, that poor piece of crap? He died." Cartman huffed like it was a common, everyday thing. Well, it was, but still, Kenny was our friend and we couldn't just let him die without worrying that he might not come back one day.
"Yeah… he got attacked by a squirrel in a tree and he ran out into the middle of the street screaming. All these cars barely missed hitting him but then he died because the squirrel used its nut crushing powers to crack his head open. Then a bunch of traffic ran him over for good measure." Butters added. Cartman laughed like it was the most hilarious thing ever. I kind of felt like slapping him for some reason. Kenny was all I could think about lately. I felt like shit every time he died instead of laughing with everyone else. I always thought how pretty his eyes were when he was looking toward the sun but not directly at it. His eyes were like a baby aqua blue unlike Stan's elegant deep blue that gave off a mature vibe. He let his hair grow out a little, so now I saw that he had beautiful golden blonde hair that looked like it was losing color due to being stuck under his hood all the time. I shook my head because I realized that I was blushing over Kenny McCormick.
"Coming with us? We're going to the movies." Stan smiled at me, trying to gain my attention once again and succeeding. I smiled and let him lead me outside with everybody else. We headed toward the general direction of the theatre, but I don't think anyone wanted to really go and see a movie. That's what we always did when we were bored. We'd seen every movie in that place at least twice. So we went to Stark's Pond instead and sat on the edges covered in snow and rested our feet on the ice. Kenny had come back from being dead and seemed extremely happy to see me. He picked me up and hugged me tight.
"H-Hi, Kenny." I said, looking down at him from being perched upon his shoulders in a piggy back ride. He seemed really excited for Kenny. Especially since he just came back from being dead after having his head cracked open by a squirrel and being hit by various cars on the road. I noticed Stan watching us from the corner of his mysterious eyes yet again. I laughed as Kenny pulled me down into another hug. I didn't know what theirs deals were though. Kenny inhaled when I had my arms around his shoulders. He set me down carefully and looked at me as if he were puzzled.
"Whose sweat shirt is that?" he asked me. I blushed as I remembered it was Stan's. I stuttered when I was trying to think of words to say. Kenny's eyes told me that he was hoping it wasn't Stan's, and I felt bad because that's exactly who I wanted to say the name of.
"Well, I'm just borrowing it from Stan. I have it over my own jacket." I said, optimistically smiling and hoping everyone believed me. Looking at Stan, he smirked. Kenny faltered. Cartman was yelling at Butters for who knows what reason. I wasn't sure what was going on at all. Butters kept looking toward Kenny as if asking him to help him out without speaking. Kenny just slumped over and punched Cartman right in the eye.
"HEY! What the hell do you think you're doing, you poor, broke asshole!?" he yelled, or rather, screeched at the tall blonde boy. I wanted to hit him so hard he would forget what a racist, sexist, intolerant and ignorant person he was. Kenny looked worse than he did after I had told him I was using Stan's jacket. He let himself fall backward in the snow and let it eat him right up. I flopped down next to him. I wanted to make him feel better.
"Are you okay? I know Cartman's a dumb butt-wipe, but don't let him get to you because that is what he's looking for. He wants to know that you're too weak to take his words. And that's what gives him power." I smiled gently as I could at him. It was so, so easy to solve other people's problems; but oh so hard to fix my own. Kenny turned to look at me with hopeful bright eyes.
"If you don't want him to get stronger by just using hurtful words, why do you let yourself bicker with him all the time?" he asked me quietly. I could feel my eyes go wide. I had never thought of that before. Hell, I never noticed that I let him get to me the most. Stan joined Kenny and I deeper in the snow and smiled over at us. I rolled my eyes but nonetheless smiled. They seemed to be like, competing or something. For what, I wasn't so sure. But it definitely felt like there was tension between the two. Kenny smiled devilishly at Stan who seemed to become a bit over bearing. I looked at the both of them, back and forth, my eyes switching from one to the other. I noticed how bright blonde Kenny's hair actually was. Neither of his parents were blonde either, which made me think that maybe someone way back in his family had blonde hair and somehow he had obtained it. When I was looking at Stan, I noticed how dark his hair was compared to Kenny's. It was like one of those big beautiful pianos that are in only rich people's houses. Like a grand piano. It looked so soft and every hair was in place despite the fact that it looked messy. Kenny's looked rough and scraggly, like he hadn't taken care of it in ages. They were so opposite. Stan was barely muscular even though he played football everyday, but Kenny was very strong; even though he never took off his trademark orange jacket, it looked like a big person was underneath the fabric.
They were close friends of mine. It always seemed like the three of us plus Cartman. He was just a dick who thought he had friends to follow around. Oh well. I was glad that I had known these guys almost my whole life. I smiled and felt a weird warmth even though we were in the snow. It seemed to be telling me that everything was okay, even though it wasn't. There was something that was going to be catastrophic, and it would happen soon. But in the end we would end up okay, because that's how it always worked. That's how we always made it through the day.
"I'm hungry." Kenny muttered beside me. I laughed a little and listened to Stan tune in right on the opposite side of me. I think he was commenting on what Kenny had said.
"Me too, we should go get ice cream or something." He said without looking at anyone and just keeping his gaze on the grey sky right above us. I grabbed both of them by the hand and tried to pull them up out of the snow at the same time. Of course I would fail because I really didn't have any kind of strength like that. Kenny could probably work out with Stan and I like we were dumbbells. And Stan could probably punt Kenny and I like footballs, but me? Not much to do there. I could barely pick Ike up anymore. Well, he was getting older and stuff, but everyone seems to be able to hold someone. Even if more times than not, I'm the one they're holding.
"Stan, it's too cold for ice cream. Are you trying to kill me?" I asked jokingly. He laughed, but it sounded nervous. Like he was scared that he had upset me or something. They both stood up out of the snow with little to no effort. Kenny had challenged Stan and Cartman to a snowball fight and they suddenly forgot about the fact they all wanted food. I smiled to myself again and saw Butters standing next to me. He looked a little sad and watched Kenny longingly throughout the game. He kept looking at me when he thought I wouldn't notice, but after he glanced over for the billionth time, I looked straight at him, into his soul even, and asked him darkly what he was doing.
"Oh! Nothin' Kyle. Gee, uhm… Kenny's grown a lot, huh?" He said; still looking at the mentioned boy's every move.
"Yes, he has." I began, "So what? Do you like him or something?" I asked with my frown growing into a smile. Butters jumped at the accusation, and then looked away with the color of the morning sun breaking out onto his face. I patted him on the shoulder. I didn't care if he was gay. I was always waiting for it to happen, actually. I think we all were. Butters just totally fit into that role I guess. The nice, clueless, good, friendly gay guy of our group. That was always Butters in my opinion. And I hugged him as he looked back at me.
"I-I don't know, Kyle. I think it has to be proven to me that I like him. I mean, I don't know why. This feeling has been eating at me this whole time and I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so helpless and confused about it all. But I am not bi-curious. I was cured after all." He looked at me warily. I smiled, nodding along with him. I don't think there could ever be a cure for gayness, but if that's what Butters and Butters' parents want to think. They can go right ahead. The snowball fight lasted a long time, it seemed. They all were winning because nobody was keeping score. I picked up a lamely put together snowball and threw it at Cartman's ass, which violently jiggled.
For some reason, he decided to blame the tall, sexy blonde we know as Kenny.
"You guys remember that song I made up in the woods once? Remember how it goes? It goes like this: I hate you guys, you guys are assholes, especially Kenny, I hate him the most. Do you guys feel like singing along with me now? It's been a few years, you should know it now. Come on, I hate you guys, don't ruin this magic! Especially Kenny, I hate him the most." He laughed at his own stupidity and waited for us to start yelling at him. He really pissed me off. But I tried to remember what Kenny had told me specifically and tried to ignore it. I did so by talking to Butters.
"So you think you might like Kenny? If you do, I really don't blame you, Kenny has gotten much hotter since we've known him." I smiled evilly at him, hoping he would find it true and confess his love for Kenny to me.
"Yeah, he did get pretty good looking. And he is really nice to me and everyone." He looked like he really had to think about it, I knew the answer the way it sparkled in his eyes. He looked at me with a smile that was contradicted by almost what seemed like a hateful glow in his bright blue eyes that almost matched Kenny's. Almost.
"What is it? Do you wanna say something?" Butters nodded, and I recognized the hate in his eyes as jealously. The color was turning sea green as the green with envy started to kick in. I looked at his face; studying it before his lips parted and this hopeful look overcame him. The envy was barely there but I could feel the coldness it let out.
"I do really, really like Kenny; but it seems that he's too busy trying to go out with you, Kyle. He even told Stan that you were going to have a boyfriend by the end of the week. And unfortunately, I think he's right…" Butters averted his gaze from my eyes. Which I was sure were sparkling with confusion. Why me? I wasn't anything to want. I was ugly, and feminine, and my hair was terrible. Why me? I felt bad for Kenny and Butters. They would so be cute together. I felt bad for Butters because I was taking something away from him without meaning to, and I felt bad for Kenny because the question still remains, why me?
The snowball fight ended because Kenny had somehow found himself getting hypothermia and died again. Stan took me home and Butters ran as fast as he could away so Cartman couldn't find him and see him crying. He didn't feel like being made fun of anymore today. Stan noticed I was mixed up, and he put his arm around my shoulder like he's done so many times before when we were friends and bore a hole into my soul. He was looking right at my emotions and could immediately tell what was wrong. Was I that easy to read? Or did Stan just know me that well? I'd probably never know.
"What was up with Butters? I saw you and him talking and he looked like he was about to burst into tears. Is it that Lexus girl again?" he asked me thoughtfully. I could visibly see and feel my shoulders slump, Stan did too because he stopped our way to my house and held my falling shoulders and shook me lightly, repeating his question from before.
"He has this gargantuan crush on Kenny, dude. And he doesn't know what to do. He thinks that Kenny likes… someone else. And that he would never notice him. He's really down about it. And I don't know what to do." I said, putting my tired hands up to my face to see if I could lessen the stress by rubbing my eyes. Stan leaned in close to me again, this time I knew he wasn't going to kiss me, but I was hoping, just hoping he might. Instead, he kissed my forehead gently and led me back into my house. Ike was sitting on the sofa watching Terrance & Phillip, he was laughing really hard and then noticed I was worse than usual and directed a question toward Stan.
"What is Kyle sad aboot?" he asked in his growing Canadian accent. Stan and I smiled brightly as the thought brought us back to one of our many Christmases when we went to Canada to bring Ike back from his adopted parents. Stan shook his head and made up an excuse that was terrible and he took me to my room. He felt his phone ringing and when he checked who it was, cursed under his breath.
"Damnit, I broke up with her a while ago!" he said quietly as he kissed my cheek now. I knew who it was just because he said that. Wendy needed to learn how to back off what wasn't hers. I mean, Stan wasn't mine either, but he was my best friend and that is all that matters. He still belongs to me more than he does Wendy. I didn't know why I felt like Butters probably had when I was talking to him about Kenny. But I did know how he felt now.
"Wendy, stop calling me. What happened to Token? Did you leave him behind as well? We don't even go to the same school anymore! You moved, and I'm done with you. Goodbye." And he shut his phone, just like that. I smiled at his forcefulness and let my eyes slip shut as I lay in my bed. And that night, I never felt Stan leave my side. He was there when I woke up in the morning. It kind of scared me at first; I didn't know it was him.
He just looked so big at that moment. Bigger than the world. Bigger than Kenny, and me, and bigger than all the feelings that I had ever felt for him before. I felt tiny, I felt like I might get swallowed up by how much he'd grown. But after I snuck out of my bed to go to the bathroom, I saw the same eight year old from six years ago lying in my bed. And all I could remember was staring at him until he woke up.
We went to go eat out for breakfast with Kenny at a diner that was open on the edge of town. Butters and Cartman were there too. Much to my dismay. I couldn't bring myself to look Butters in the eye. He seemed to be very eager to win Kenny. It didn't matter to me, he could have Kenny. I did not want him. And that was why I felt bad. Cartman was in the restroom and Butters and I went to the front to pay the bill we owed while I heard Kenny and Stan talking.
"What have you done so far?" Kenny's deep voice wasn't as quiet as he had probably wanted it to be, but he continued on with the conversation.
"Everything I can think of. I just don't think that Kyle likes me as much as I like him. It really sucks. I mean, I even paid Wendy fifty bucks to call me and pretend like she wanted me back. I think he bought it, but I don't know what will work. Kyle's just too smart. He won't fall for anything I do for him. yesterday, I even played him part of a song with my dad's guitar and sang. I hate singing still. I'm not very good at it anyway. But I don't think he'll ever like me. I hate it." Stan said dramatically, resting his head on the table. Kenny patted it apologetically and responded.
"I'll show you how it's done. You obviously need my help in the romantics department, after all, once I got this girl with fucking hot tits once. Also, you were probably playing a weird Goth song." Kenny smirked under his jacket. He was obviously remembering the time that he cheesed his face off. It was only his imagination. And my dad and him ended up looking like huge idiots in front of the entire town fighting over an imaginary woman. They were crazy. Stan just huffed and ignored the Goth comment Kenny had made.
We came back to the table and I glared at Stan who sat next to me the entire time. He looked puzzled as to why I would be angry with him. They were talking louder than all the other people in the diner, and that probably wasn't the best idea since what they were talking about should be considered private. Kenny immediately struck a conversation with me, the excited twinkle in his eyes showing his interest.
"Kyle, wanna hang out with me and Stan after this? We could just fuck around at my house. Stan's gonna bring his guitar, right?" He nodded at Stan who still rested his head on the table, moping beyond no end. He held a thumb up to show that he was going to. I agreed naturally, I was getting loathsome of all this. Kenny was happy and we left, completely forgetting that Cartman was in the restroom, probably taking a huge dump. Butters departed when we were outside the diner. He looked hurt beyond no end once again, and I wanted to scoop my eyes out with remorse for him.
"I'm gonna go get my guitar from my house, you and Kenny go ahead without me, I'll be there soon." Stan waved us off. I wasn't so mad at him anymore. His beautiful eyes and silky soft hair and ivory skin made it so I couldn't hate him. And I hated myself for being able to fall for that. Kenny wrapped an arm around my shoulder firmly and guided me back to his house. Realization hit me then, I was going to be alone with Kenny at his house. What if he tries to make a move? He's so much more powerful than Stan; he could over power me in seconds. Oh god, I was kind of nervous now.
We made it to Kenny's house without a sound. He guided me to his room and shut the door quietly. He sat on his bed and I sat on the floor even though there were weird stains and bug and gross things everywhere. Once he patted the spot next to him, but I just shook my head and told him I was fine. He shrugged and joined me on the floor. He was even taller, it seemed, when he was sitting on the ground. And I had that awkward feeling again. He was singing some song to himself and he sounded really pretty, maybe it was because of the time he wanted to learn how to sing so we could make our own circus or something. I laughed lightly to myself at the memory. Why was I thinking about the past so much lately? It even confused the hell out of me and I was the one reminiscing. I could faintly hear the soft words he was murmuring.
If I die and go to hell real soon
it will appear to me as this room
and for eternity I'd lay in bed
in my boxers
half stoned
with a pillow under my head.
That definitely sounded like something that would happen to Kenny alright. I giggled softly again as I heard him continue on this strange song. I also wondered when Stan would be showing up.
I'd be chatting on the interweb.
Maggots prey upon the living dead.
I had no interest in the things she said
on the phone everyday
I'll permanently hit the hay-hay.
I heard knocking on his front door then, I assumed it was Stan coming to wow us with his instrumental skill. Kenny didn't show any signs of getting up to answer the door, but then I heard his drunken mother stumble toward the door and answer it. It was Stan; I could recognize his voice anywhere. Kenny then suddenly burst out in the chorus of the song after a long pause on his part.
Called her on the phone and she touched herself,
she touched herself…
she touched herself!
Called her on the phone and she touched herself,
I laughed myself to sleep!!
I blushed and stood clumsily. I ran over to Stan and hugged him like a best friend would. He set his guitar down beside himself and hugged me back properly. Kenny was smiling devilishly again as we came back into his bedroom. He had hit that high note in the song perfectly despite his deep speaking voice. And that was the only thing I thought that was truly amazing in his little performance.
Stan pulled his guitar out of it's case and strummed it. He turned a few of the knobs, helping put it back into tune. I watched; mesmerized. I would never know how to do that. And I guess it was pretty cool watching Stan do it so well. Kenny invited us to sit again and we did. Stan was thinking hard about something and stood up again, saying he had to take a leak. We let him go and Kenny started to talk to me again.
"So, how did you like my singing? Was it awesome? I think I've improved since that one time. Yeah?" he got really close to me at that point. And I was scared that he was going to kiss me. Unlike when I was with Stan, I kind of wanted him to.
…Oh my god, I wanted him to?
I looked up at Kenny and he was smiling gently. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder again, but this time, it felt heavy. He was too strong. I knew he was. I couldn't push him away no matter how hard I tried. He looked down at me, he smiled and scooted closer to me, and I could only count the moment until Stan came back from pissing.
"So, Kyle, I wanted to ask you something…" I looked away, I knew the answer would be no, I didn't want to hurt his feelings though, he seemed very confident. "Stan and I have been working something out this week if you haven't noticed. And in this week I've learned something important. But before I tell you what it is, would you want to go out with me?" his arm clenched around me now, weighing me down. He rested his head on top of mine and waited for me to answer.
"Kenny, I think I need to get home. Tell Stan when I get back that I had to bail, okay? Uhm, oh… well… I'll tell Stan my answer when I see him next and he'll tell you, okay?" he nodded stiffly and I bolted out of there as fast as I could. I ran all the way past my house, past all the houses, and into a faraway place that I couldn't name. It was familiar, but it wasn't. Kind of like that look in his eyes.
I was scared, and I was alone. Again. I was losing everyone. I was dying. I had hurt Kenny's feelings I'm sure. Running away from him and Stan when all they wanted to do was hang out and… treat me like I was their girlfriend. Stan tried so hard I had determined from what i heard at the diner. He even used his greatest enemy to try to convince me that I was all he wanted. It was working so far. I was starting to think more and more about Stan as I thought back on all of this. Maybe a wall wasn't growing. Maybe that feeling was the feeling of a wall breaking down, maybe it was the sound and the sight that you couldn't' actually hear or see, it was this sensation that brought hope to the brim of your eyes, so that maybe once you cry it out, you'll realize that what you were thinking was all wrong that there was something completely different going on. That's what I was hoping for, anyway.
There was snow on the ground already, but then it began to snow more, it hadn't for a couple days, but now it was back, and it was gentle, it was like the icy kisses from lifeless blue lips. And that was where I lay, waiting for my emotions to calm themselves down. I waited for Stan, though I knew he wouldn't come because I knew he wouldn't know exactly where I was. I kind of hoped he would find me though. I really wanted him right there and then to be there with me, like we always had been when we were younger. I wanted to comb my hands through his beautiful black hair, I wanted kiss his closed eyelids and imagine the deep blue that was hidden beneath them. I wanted to smell the scent of him all around me and feel warm in his grasp. I pulled the hood of the jacket I was wearing up, all of a sudden smelling Stan. My eyes flicked open right away, looking all around me for the face or sight of Stanley Marsh; finding nothing.
I was then hit with the realization that I was still wearing the huge sweat shirt he had loaned me. I had kept it for the past two days. I curled into a ball in the jacket and lay my head down in the snow. I still felt it pressing against my skin in the softest way. My eyes fluttered closed once more.
"Kyle? Kyle! Oh my god, Kyle! Are you okay?! Talk to me, please! It's Stan!" I heard him yelling at me, I could barely hear him, I felt like I was covered in a very wet blanket of something. I woke up a little and realized that I was lying in the snow covered in wet, melted snow that was freezing. I looked up at Stan and he was yelling something incoherent. I couldn't understand anything he was saying. And when I tried to open my mouth and say something to him, it stung very badly, my entire body started to feel the numbness that was spread throughout it.
"S-Stan… it hurts to talk…" I groaned. He nodded, panicking now. It was dark outside, and I couldn't stop shivering. I felt myself dozing between awake and unconscious. He flicked out his cell phone I guess, because he was yelling shakily into something and at someone. I heard just a little muffled response, probably we'll be there soon; and let myself start slipping. There were big arms around me, warm I'm sure, but I couldn't tell anymore. I literally lost any and all ability of feeling anything. I had to look around with big, blind eyes to notice anything.
It was the same big blind eyes that noticed the orange jacket being wrapped around me, along with several others. It seemed like this feeling was going away. I didn't have to accept death anymore. Somebody carried me away from the snow covered hill. There was a big, deep, familiar voice that beamed through everything. It was saying things like, you'll be okay. You'll be fine. But I didn't really know if I believed the voice for very long. I looked up to the face of the voice and practically saw an angel.
Kenny McCormick. No hood. Not even a jacket. In fact, I think he put his jacket on me. Oh my god.
But he wasn't carrying me. It wasn't his strong arms that were holding me up by my legs and somewhere along my back. The arms were warm, like I thought they were, and felt unbelievably tense but comfortable. They weren't muscular, but they weren't weak either. They were worried about me because the person controlling them told them to be. I knew who it was. I didn't have to look up and see the silky black hair covering breathtaking blue eyes. I didn't have to see his tight mouth huffing and hanging open in anticipation of what he was doing. I didn't have to look up to see that he had already sacrificed his jacket and shirt to keep my heart beating. When I moved my arm to look at my hand, I saw red gloves covering my hands. And of course they were much too big for my skinny little fingers. I was feeling better and better by the second. I looked around more; we were almost to Kenny's house, from where I had bolted. It looked more like heaven as I saw the dim lights and thought that it was much better than the evil cold of outside in winter time. I also saw Butters, the boy I had somehow betrayed, running beside me and looking back at me worriedly ever moment or so. By god I even saw the last person I expected to see running, or at least attempting to, with the rest of them.
Eric Cartman. Jew basher, racist, son of a bitch ass of fire. That Cartman. With a look that didn't say worried or concerned, but said DETERMINED. In those big shiny capital letters. He was trying to help save my life. And I felt the hint of a smile tugging at my mouth, nagging my lips. But I could smile for them all later, when I felt better and ready for it.
We were in heaven finally, and I felt myself let go and fall onto a messy bed, saw the dirty laundry hanging around on the floor, and smiled at all the lame naked or almost naked lady posters frolicking about amongst the walls. I looked up at all the faces watching over me, standing in a nice circle around me on the bed. They were less than worried now, less than scared, more like, expectant. They thought that pure love and care about someone would save them from death. I guess that means that they didn't know anything. But, nonetheless, I still felt myself coming back from wherever I was going. Stan was right there next to me, like he always had been all the years I'd known him. I felt closer to him now than I ever had before. I felt like I owed him for the rest of my life. But it wasn't like owing someone ten dollars. It was sort of like wanting to give them ten dollars because you really just cared about them with all your heart.
Everybody that was there I felt crawl into the bed as best as they could fit. Butters was worried that his dad might ground him, but he stayed because he was willing to risk that for me. Cartman said he didn't want to participate in our gay love antics, and pulled out the only sleeping bag Kenny had and took up a place on the floor that was right beside the bed. Butters slept at the edge, right at all our feet. Stan slept on my left, Kenny on my right. He had to curl up the most because he was just more of a protective person. If he was tall enough, he would reach his arms around all of us and defend us like a momma bear would her cubs. Stan seemed to feel the need of resting his head atop mine; I could feel his sharp bony chin poking at the top of my head where my hat was currently missing because it was probably soaked from the snow. I heard the sounds of everyone sleeping before I knew it, and then fell quietly asleep as well.
The next morning was a little confusing because we were all tangled up and Kenny's mom came in and saw us in that awkward position and Cartman on the floor. She was going to say something, but it left her, so she turned and left with a weird look on her face. I laughed a little and then was struck with cruel reality. We had to be to school in… ten minutes and that's probably what Kenny's mom was going to say. I was panicking, I've never been late before, and I didn't want to start now, so I screamed at them all.
"HEY! WE'VE GOTTA GET READY FOR SCHOOL, YOU LOONS!" And, picking up a pillow, started whacking them all. Butters was the first one awake and was spared a pillow beating because he awoke at my yelling and kicking and screaming. Kenny woke up screaming back, wondering who was attacking him and trying to rob him of money he didn't have. He nearly clocked me, but I got on top of his chest and held him down, telling him we had to be at the bus stop in less than ten minutes. He scrambled. I threw Kenny's broken alarm clock down onto Cartman, to which he woke up yelling obscenities. I laughed at that, but was then grabbed around the hips and pulled down onto somebody.
"What… the hell are you doing, Kyle?" Stan asked, his voice groggy, hair messy in a sexy way, looking hot the way he had to squint his pretty eyes because the light seemed a little over bearing for him. I smiled gently and petted his hair like I'd always wanted to and looked into those eyes so lovingly. I didn't even think of anything to say before Kenny tackled me from behind and practically squished Stan. He was waiting for us to be ready because apparently they were all ready to go. Stan and I were still looking like we crawled out of bed.
Him and I shrugged and put together all the clothes we had from yesterday after we had let them dry from yesterday. I looked a lot better as I went into Kenny's bathroom with Stan to brush my teeth and stuff. I looked in the mirror and the only thing left from yesterday was the mild coldness but I had regained color. And by color I mean natural skin colors. Not purple all over the place. I was glad and could feel the warmth of that glad roaming throughout my body. We made it to the bus stop just in time and the woman who's driven us to school every year of our lives was waiting for us, Ms. Crabtree. Her bus came to a screeching stop, and the doors swung open like a haunted house, reluctantly, we entered.
And Kenny decided it would be funny to give my ass a playful pinch as I boarded the bus. I squeaked and nearly knocked Stan over. Luckily, he caught me and helped me into a seat. I could hear Kenny laughing as he took the seat opposite Stan and I. Stan rolled his eyes but with a smile. Butters sank in next to Kenny. I tried to settle down next to Stan, tried to think, but then heard Kenny's bubbly voice from my left.
"So, have you thought about my offer? Or do I ask Stan, like you said?" I nearly froze again. He really caught me off guard with that one. Stan looked at me puzzled and I mouthed to him to say no. He looked over at Kenny; delivering the message he had no idea about. Kenny got wide eyed, then adopted a hurt look and buried his head in his arms and lap. He ignored me the rest of the day. I felt terrible instantly, but I guess that's what comes with rejecting your close friend's offer of a relationship. Of course, I had never been in one. I don't think that that Rebecca girl counted because I never really asked her to be my girlfriend, just to go to the dance, and by then she had become a whore anyway. I rested my head on Stan's shoulder in the back of History. Our teacher really didn't care or notice. I almost dozed off for some reason when Stan asked me a question.
"What was Kenny asking you about?" He looked at me with soft blue eyes. His arm reached over my shoulder and squeezed me toward him carefully. I sighed and thought about what to tell him. I honestly didn't know how to explain it. It seemed like I had betrayed myself when I told Kenny to ask Stan, my best friend, who didn't even know that Kenny asked me out, to tell him the belated answer.
"Well, I guess there's no worming away from it… When we were at Kenny's yesterday, and you were in the bathroom, Kenny asked me out. I didn't know what to say, I mean, at the time, I knew this morning on the bus though. I told Kenny that I'd think about it and told him I had to go. I ran out of the house, and that's why I was stuck in the snow. I really didn't want to go out with him. He's just… he's… he's Kenny and that's why I don't think he should be my boyfriend." I wasn't sure what Stan would think, would he be scared to ask me out now? Would he feel more confident about asking me out? I didn't want to know. I was so done with all this who loves who drama. It takes up too much time.
"I have one question though, Kyle. I'm not saying that you should go out with Kenny, but a question to think about would be, why don't I want to go out with Kenny? Is it a bad thing that he's Kenny? Because I see no problem there. We all love Kenny in one way or another. Who says you can't date him?" He shrugged now, removing his arm from my shoulder, removing the warmth. Taking everything away from me that was him. I felt angry. Not at Kenny, not at myself, but at Stan. He didn't get that I didn't want to go out with Kenny. I mean, how could you go out with one of your closest friends? They say it won't change anything. But trust me, I know it does. Even if you never realize it.
Even though I told myself that I didn't want to date Kenny for those reasons, I knew the real, the only reason I didn't want to. It brought a smile to my lips and made me rethink myself. It was a dumb excuse, contradicted my fake excuse of you can't date a good friend. I was madly in love with a good friend of mine. It's too bad for Kenny that it wasn't him. I sighed, and asked the teacher if I could use the restroom, and left with my hall pass clenched in one hand.
I stayed in there for the rest of the school day.
I walked home after school to my house. I packed up some clothes and took the bag all the way to Stan's house. I wanted to spend time with him only like we used to. And I think that's why all of this was even happening. I knocked on the door and told Mrs. Marsh that I was there to do homework and hang out with Stan. She smiled the way she always did when I came over, but didn't let me in the house.
"He's at football today." She said. "I think that if you want to go over there first you can catch up with him. But if you want you can just hang around here until he gets home." I nodded, and turned around to run back to school and make it to the football field. I saw Stan over all of them. He was sweating despite the cold, huffing and puffing in cold air, and then made perfect eye contact with me. It almost hurt the way he was staring, but I waved or tried to, and smiled the best I could for that moment. I think that Kenny was still mad at me. Stan kept nodding his head at something in the bleachers, when I finally looked; it was Kenny, waiting up for Stan as well. I felt a tinge of remorse coursing through me. It hurt to think about how much Kenny might be hurting. I looked away when he stared me down. And then I knew without even looking that he was walking toward me now.
Stan looked from me to Kenny then to his coach, he was almost done for the day and he didn't know what Kenny was doing and neither did I. I felt like I was… scared of him, for the first time. I didn't know what to do and felt rooted to the spot. Stan's coach let them all go the same moment Kenny was right in front of me. I almost screamed and Stan dashed toward us.
"Hey…" Kenny said softly. He didn't sound as angry as he looked. I suppose that was a good thing though, for the three of us. "I was thinking about what I asked you and stuff, and I wanted to say that I'm sorry for acting like a loser since you said no. I don't want to not be friends anymore, okay?" He smiled now, and opened his arms up for me. I hugged him and smiled the first happy smile that was for real in a long time. He hugged me tightly but gently, and I felt great. I took Kenny off to the side and talked to him about something I felt like I could tell him.
"The reason I said no to you, Kenny, was because of someone else. I really like someone else and I don't know if he notices at all. It seems like he doesn't even consider what I'm considering. And I have a lot in mind." Kenny chuckled, nodding again. He listened to everything I said, taking it all in very well.
"You like Stan huh?" he said, crossing his arms over his chest and laughing lowly. I blushed and punched his arm lightly, he laughed even harder. I gave him thumbs up, showing that he was right. He laughed, losing control of himself. "You… are such a dork sometimes!" he laughed, grabbing his stomach. I laughed along with him, and in the distance Stan looked jealous.
"I do really like Stan, and I think that he thinks that I like you." I whispered carefully into Kenny's ear. He looked at me shocked, like I had a couple extra heads or something. Stan was walking away without us, his mood obviously faltering. Kenny and I ran to catch up with him. He looked back at us loathingly, and we both caught up with him and out our arms over his shoulders on either side of him. I had to try and reach up kind of far to get to him though, and that was fine with me, it added to the happy mood Kenny and I were in. Kenny whispered behind Stan's back to me.
"Are you like, a psychic or something? He totally does think you like me. I told him no, but he wouldn't listen. And, to be honest, I never wanted to ask you out, sorry; I just wanted to prove to Stan that you didn't like me the way he thought you did. So… thanks for saying no I guess…" we laughed together again. Stan turned around and gave us this look like, seriously, what's up with you?
We both smiled at him and hugged him tightly at the same time. He was getting pissed again, but that's the way it had to be sometimes. I kissed him on the cheek and he lightened up immediately. He ignored it when Kenny and I had a meeting behind him once again.
"He really likes you, like, a lot. Kyle, I'm serious, if you told him no, I don't know what he'd do. I'm sure you wouldn't say no since you like him back and shit, but I think you shouldn't be so forward about it. Don't tell him you're madly in love with him just yet, we have to let him know it metaphorically.
"Jesus Kenny and I thought you were the useless one." I looked at him, this amazed feeling seeping into me.
"Hey! What does that mean?" he asked, frustrated. I laughed and said nothing about it the rest of the way to Stan's house.
So Kenny hung out with us for the rest of the day, then left when it became night outside. He got out to the concrete to walk to his house, when all of a sudden an arrow shot right through his back and out the other side of him. He laid dead and bleeding his brains out on the sidewalk. Stan and I looked at each other then to the place where the arrow came from, seeing Cupid, glaring down at Kenny, bow and evil arrows that didn't contain love at all in his clenched fist.
"Thinks he can steal my job from me huh? I don't think so. You two will be in love under my doing! Not some stupid kid who's a friend of yours!" I felt the anger bubbling up inside me at the stupid little fairy that was probably gay anyway. Stan furrowed his brow in anger and shouted out at that little Cupid dickhole whatever he was.
"OH MY GOD! He KILLED KENNY!" and by nature, I had to respond.
"YOU BASTARD!" and we both threw rocks and little things at him until he flew away sobbing like a kicked puppy. We went inside Stan's house and forgot all about Kenny.
"Stan, I want to talk to you. Kenny told me something today, and I wanted to know if it was true or not." I looked up at him, our eyes clashing and glowing against the others. He grabbed my arm and pulled me up into his room. That wall I thought was there was breaking. He sat me down on his bed and told me he was ready to hear it. "Kenny informed me that you thought I liked him, right?" he nodded, looking away from me. I found his eyes and regained control. "Well, I want to tell you right here that I don't like Kenny that way at all. He's just a really good friend of mine. There is someone I like though, and he's even closer to me than Kenny. And I bet you can guess who." He smiled, it was small, but it was there. I was glad to see him so happy for the first time in a long time. He came closer to me, and leaned so close to my face, and I thought he wasn't going to kiss me, I knew he wasn't, he was going to whisper his guesses into my ear until he got it right, then he would kiss me.
But for once, I was wrong. He kissed me wholeheartedly and I was shocked. I didn't know he would do that for the first time, I didn't know what Stan was doing. I responded though, who wouldn't? And I felt his hair press against my face as we came closer together, I was right all along, it was softer than I ever even imagined. And his scent was all around me like when I was wearing his jacket on the hill. He seemed bigger than ever, bigger than when he was lying next to me when I got up to use the restroom, bigger than Kenny, and a lot bigger than me. He was Stan, and he was hot, and beautiful, handsome and strong, and so many things. But I didn't know if he was my boyfriend. The only thing I cared for him to be.
"I guess that means that your excuse of I can't date my friend is out the window, right?" he asked after pulling away, he rested his chin on my head for the billionth time in my life. I smiled and assured him that nothing could stop me from liking him now. Not even Cupid and his killing Kenny powers. Besides, the next day, Kenny asked Butters out anyway. So he was still alive and going. And I no longer felt guilty about Butters' situation because he got what he had always wanted, just like Stan and I.
Speaking of Stan, one day, we were in his room, officially lovers, and I was doing homework while he goofed around, as usual. He pulled put his guitar and finished that song by Get Scared that he had started to sing to me a while ago. His voice was much better because he had practiced. I loved listening to him because he was so good at what he did. And we were closer than ever now, the wall had crumbled to its knees just like I thought it would.
PS: Cartman just called us all gay at school all the time and died a lonely bastard at the age of fourteen. Hah, fatass. (Yes that part was made up by Kyle because he thought it should ebd like that...)
Geez, this ending could've been better! xD Oh well, sorry everybody, I will try to think of a cooler idea later…