This is part of a larger story I'm working on but I thought it was a nice piece on it's own as well. Hope you like it, and of course, I don't own anything.
Please leave a review! I'd love to hear what people think, good and bad!
"I have a present for you Remus."
The voice floated out of the darkness and Remus turned, his sleep clogged mind still lost in the dream. Something heavy and haunting but already slipping through his fingers. Like water in the palms of his hands.
A pale face hovered above him and laughed.
Panic and fear fluttered through Remus' mind, dulled by the sleep and the warmth of his bed. The guise of safety. Remus peeled his eyes open and stared into the darkness and groaned.
"Sirius…what time is it?"
"Later than you want to admit." Sirius laughed, "When did you become an old lady Moony?"
It takes Remus a second, only a second, for his eyes to adjust to the darkness in his bedroom. To see Sirius hovering over him with his silken hair falling in his eyes.
There was a smile on his lips, a dangerous smile that Remus had seen only a few times before.
It sent a chill down Remus' spine and suddenly, he wasn't so tired anymore.
"How did you get in here?" Remus asked, struggling to sit up in the dark, his hand wandering around his bedside table for the lamp.
"Details, details." Sirius waved the concerns away as soft light flooded the room. Remus blinked wildly, another second before his eyes adjusted to room. And to Sirius.
"Oh my god." He breathed out, taking in Sirius' bloodstained clothes and wild swirling eyes. "What happened?"
But Sirius just laughed. Something soft and throaty and just a touch hysterical.
"It's all part of the surprise Remus…"
.
"Sirius." Remus hissed, following the taller boy through the forest with only a half moon to light their way. He had a hand curled in the back of Sirius' jacket just in case. It was surprisingly easy to lose Sirius in the darkness. In more ways than one.
"Just a little bit further."
He paused for a moment and Remus almost ran into him. Sirius' silver eyes were practically glowing and Remus once again felt that chill down his spine.
There was something in Sirius' eyes. That concerned him. That scared him.
But he was here.
He was here, following Sirius through the dark in a forest he didn't recognize with no one around for miles in the dead of night.
He was here.
"Just a little further." Sirius reassures him, squeezing his hand gently. Like a lover would. Remus swallows thickly and continues to follow Sirius blindly. Like he had so many times before.
The air is chilly, but not cold. The forest dark, but not black. The moon bright, but not full.
The world seems to be at a standstill.
Remus has no concept of time. No knowledge of north or west. It's as if he's on the sidelines of reality. He's here but not quite. The world is here, around him, and yet, nothing is happening. Time has slowed to a stop and all that exists is a half-darkness, hanging in the air.
All that exists, that he is certain of in this very moment in his half-asleep state, is Sirius' tangible hand in his and the crunching leaves beneath his feet.
"Here we are." Sirius whispers to him. His voice tickling Remus' ears, low and breathy and excited.
They are both whispering, though Remus doesn't know why. He doesn't know why not either.
Sirius steps aside, revealing a small clearing in the woods. Mossy and damp with the moonlight shining through the trees and Remus sees a man.
A man lying on the forest floor.
His face is wet with a shining, slick substance that Remus is sure is blood. He can smell it.
He can fucking taste it.
"Sirius…what-" But the words die in his throat.
Because the man looks up at them.
With yellow eyes.
.
Remus screams.
.
His hand is like a vice clamp on Sirius' arm. Nails digging in.
"Sirius."
"I got you a present Moony." Sirius says and there is a smile on his face and a gleam in his eyes and its moments like this when Remus can see what they mean about the Black family history.
The insanity.
Sirius is insane.
It's written so clearly on his beautiful face.
"A present, just for you."
"Sirius…what did you do?"
He's hiding behind Sirius. He knows that. Sirius knows that.
.
Fenrir Greyback knows that.
.
"Remus Lupin," Greyback croaks out, his voice is scratchy and worn. As if he's gargling rough gravel every time he opens his mouth. It's exactly how Remus remembers it. "I remember you…"
"Shut up." Sirius orders him, waving a hand in Greyback's direction and the werewolf flinches but doesn't stop.
"You were one of my first, weren't you?" He laughs. "Your coward of a father…Lyall was it? Bet he regrets it all now doesn't he…"
A horrible wheezing, wet sound and Sirius kicks him.
"I said shut up."
"You don't own me boy." Greyback mutters.
"Yeah, we'll fucking see about that." Sirius snaps, and Remus catches sight of a flash of silver before he registers Sirius' butterfly knife flying through the air.
The blade landed safely in Greyback's shoulder and Sirius twisted it hard before yanking it out and shoving Greyback away from him dramatically. He spins on his heel, knife still in his hand, arms thrown in the air. Like an actor taking his final bow after the performance of a lifetime.
"He's yours Remus." Sirius says. His hands are, once again, covered in blood but Remus barely notices as Sirius clasped his. "He's yours to do with as you please."
"What?"
It's like his brain isn't clicking. The connections aren't being made. The words aren't making sense.
"He's yours. You can do anything in the world to him. You can torture him. Starve him. Kill him. Anything Remus, anything."
Remus takes a step back. Away from Greyback and away from Sirius.
"I…I…"
He takes another step back and runs into a tree, it's hard, pressing against his back. Backed into a corner.
He stares from Sirius' silver eyes to Greyback's yellow eyes and feels panic rising in his throat.
"What did you do?" He gasps out, staring at Sirius, "What the fuck did you do?"
Sirius rolls his eyes, playing with his butterfly knife. The silver blade flying through the air, glinting light catching Remus' eye.
"I caught him. And I beat him. And I trapped him. And I gave him to you."
Sirius shrugs nonchalantly.
"He's a present."
"A present." Remus repeats. His heart is beating wildly. He can feel it in his chest. Hear the blood pounding in his ears.
"Come on," Sirius says, "Don't you want to kill him? Haven't you fucking dreamed of this moment for years?"
"Sirius…"
"He bit you! You were a fucking kid and he attacked you and changed your entire fucking life!"
"I know!" Remus shouts. Voice fading away into the heavy silence of the trees. "I fucking know Sirius!"
He did dream of this. He did.
So many nights.
"I know." He closes his eyes tight. This can't be real. None of this is real.
But then he feels Sirius' blood slick hands on his face. Cradling him. Anchoring him to the ground. To reality.
"He hurt you Remus. You were only a child. And he maimed you. He nearly killed you. And by failing to kill you he subjected you to a curse that's bound to your very blood."
Sirius' face is inches from his. His silver eyes bore into Remus' own honey eyes. Staring into his very soul.
For a moment, just a moment, Remus feels a smidgen of what James and Sirius have.
"Every. Single. Month. Of your entire life your bones shatter and your muscles tear and your skin breaks and your pupils rip apart in your eyes. Every single fucking month. You've nearly killed yourself so many times Remus. I've seen it. Witnessed it. I've mopped the blood from the floor with my own fucking hands."
"I know." And he does know.
"He doesn't have the balls to kill me." Greyback coughs from the clearing and Sirius whips around, his black hair splayed out around him.
"I will fucking kill you myself in a minute here if you don't SHUT THE FUCK UP."
The coughing continued though, a laughing cough that made Remus squirm.
"Sirius…I…I don't know if…"
Remus shivers. And it's not from the cold. Fenrir Greyback has haunted him his entire life. It's like this shadow that's hung over him. Dark and threatening and dangerous.
He remembers that night.
He was only seven. It had been right after his parents' party. His mother had thrown a party, there had been steamers and cake and candles. Guests and singing and sparklers.
He had been given permission to play by the stream with some of the other children at the party and he'd seen a frog.
Just a little green frog. And he'd followed it down the stream.
Remus breathed in deeply. He still remembered that fucking frog.
Greyback had come out of nowhere.
All sharp teeth and grey fur and horrible yellow eyes.
The first bite was the worst.
Remus remembers.
Greyback had grabbed him by the arm, his teeth sinking in, his jaw snapping Remus' small arm in half. He remembers the pain of the bite followed by the pain of the poison as the wolf's venom seeped into his bloodstream. Altering his body and his life forevermore.
Remembers the burning, searing feeling. As if he was being burned alive from the inside out.
Greyback had clawed at him and chewed him and mauled him.
His body was nearly in pieces when they found him.
And yet what Remus remembers most were the yellow eyes staring down at him after he had lost the ability to scream.
Lucid eyes.
These shining glinting yellow eyes that told Remus that Fenrir Greyback knew exactly what he was doing that night.
Lucid eyes, not like Sirius'.
"Remus, look at me." Sirius says, his voice gentle. As gentle as he can be. "Look at me."
And Remus does. Stares straight into Sirius' swirling eyes that betray the madness within.
"You can do this."
"What if I don't want to do this?"
Sirius pulls back, looking faintly disgusted.
"If you can tell me, to my face, looking me in the fucking eye, that you don't want that man dead-"
Remus sighed, and looked past Sirius at Greyback's beaten body on the forest floor.
There was a hatred in his chest, it was true. A hatred and a fear.
He was afraid of him. The man that has haunted Remus' dreams ever since that night. The man that has fueled his nightmares. That woke him up screaming.
He was right there.
"I told you." Greyback snorts, "He doesn't have the balls Black, if you want me dead you gotta do it yourself. I'd rather be killed by a man anyways, not some boy. A coward, just like his father."
Sirius sighs, scowling.
"Don't make me stab you again."
He refocuses on Remus.
"You want him dead Remus. I know you do. You told me."
Remus tears his eyes away from where Greyback is laughing at him to Sirius' face.
"You told me Remus. You even told me to kill him. For you."
Remus opens his mouth but no sound comes out.
Because Sirius is right.
He did tell Sirius to kill Fenrir Greyback for him. Once. Years ago.
Back when they were just boys at school. Back before either one of them had killed anybody.
.
"That looks like it hurts…"
Remus looks up from where he was measuring out a shot of whiskey into his teacup to see Sirius leaning against the dormitory door.
He holds up a hand, telling Sirius to pause, and drinks down the whiskey in one swallow. The burning sensation flowing through his body. It hurt, but in a good way. Especially compared to how everything else hurt in a bad way.
He coughs and Sirius laughs at him.
Not with him. At him.
"Aren't you supposed to be in detention?" Remus asks him and watches as Sirius saunters into the room and deconstructs himself on James' bed.
Tossing his hair dramatically from his eyes Sirius props himself up on his arms and stares at Remus.
"Yeah, so?"
"So why are you here?"
Remus flinches as he turns around too fast, his body screaming at him and goes to pour himself another shot. The full moon had been yesterday and he hadn't fared too well.
None of them had really.
Not that they ever really did.
The rest of the Marauder's had detention tonight. A result of their frantic rescheduling to ensure they had the full moon off. And yet, here Sirius was.
"I skipped it." Sirius says, waving Remus and the whiskey bottle over. "What are they going to do, gimme detention?" He snorts and snatches the whiskey out of Remus' hands. "I'm booked every night and weekend and afternoon for a good year in advance, I've got detentions on top of detentions, one more isn't going to kill me."
Remus watches as Sirius gulps the alcohol down as if it was water and realizes that this isn't the beginning of Sirius' night. The glazed eyes, the red cheeks, the heavy limbs.
Sirius had taken something again. As he was loath to nowadays.
Remus tries to think of when he had last seen Sirius properly sober and isn't really sure if he can pinpoint a time.
"Are you sure that's a good idea?" He asks, referring to neither the drinking, drugs, or skipping detention. Sirius can pick and choose what matters to him. "With break starting tomorrow and everything?"
Christmas break. A well deserved and deeply needed break from everything, even the Marauders. Remus is going home to heal. Sirius is going home to do the opposite.
"You're the prefect who's drinking smuggled whiskey out of the bottle." Sirius snaps. He struggles into a sitting position, tucking his grasshopper legs under him and running a hand through his glossy hair. "Mr. Perfect Prefect."
"They only made me prefect to try to control you."
"Yeah, well, I'm uncontrollable." Sirius mutters, throwing a pillow at Remus who winces. It's only a pillow. But it hurt. Everything hurt right now.
"Fuck, I'm sorry."
Remus sighs and stares at Sirius. The whiskey is starting to hit him now, he hadn't eaten shit all day and he's regretting it. He wavers for a moment before sitting down on James' bed next to Sirius who passes him the bottle.
"Drink enough of this and you won't feel anything anymore."
"Is that what you do?"
Sirius laughs, sharp and cold and chilling. "You don't even want to know what I do Moony."
Something comes over Sirius' face and he pauses. It's a bit of a heartbreaking look and Remus feels bad. He feels bad for Sirius a lot. But Sirius is good at making people forget their pity for him and focus on anger instead.
Just, not tonight apparently.
"I really am sorry." Sirius says finally, his silver eyes bore into Remus'. Liquid and swirling and wet looking. He reaches out and touches the bruises that adorn Remus' face. They're tender and still forming and Remus flinches at his touch.
"You'll be black and blue by Wednesday." Sirius mutters, running his soft fingers over Remus' bruised face. It's still fresh, ugly shades of pink and red. Sirius freezes for a moment and Remus watches his eyes. Sees them break from reality, sees the world come surging back as Sirius yanks his hand away.
He finds the whiskey bottle and takes another long drink.
"But so will I, I suppose," he says and shakes his head, his long hair obscuring his eyes.
Remus watches him.
"Why do you stay?" He's drunk. He's already fucking drunk. He would never ask Sirius about this if he wasn't. It was the unspoken agreement of the Marauders. That Sirius' family was off limits.
They all knew what they were like, what they did to Sirius, even if they didn't know the details. They knew it was bad. Even if they never saw the bruises or scars.
Even James knew, who Sirius tried to avoid the most when it came to his family.
Sirius blinks at Remus, as if he doesn't understand. And he doesn't. Not really.
"I have to. They…they're my family."
"Yeah, but…" Remus trails off. There are still things he can't say.
Sirius just shrugs, "you don't understand. They're not…bad people. It's just…life."
He tucks his hair behind his ears. "It's always been like this, it's just part of my life. Like being a werewolf is for you."
Sirius sounds so matter of fact. And yet hearing himself called a werewolf still slaps Remus in the face and he reaches for the whiskey in an attempt to soften the blow.
"I wasn't always like this though."
"Oh, right." Sirius nods, slurring his words ever so slightly. "But you were just a kid."
"Yeah."
Remus shivers. Yellow eyes. Staring down at him.
"I'll show you mine if you show me yours." Sirius laughs, brazen and sad. He's gone. Too far gone Remus realizes and thinks he might be over that line as well. The whiskey sloshes around in the bottle as Sirius takes another sip. He readjusts so that he's lying on his stomach and stares up at Remus with his sad puppy dog eyes.
Like a dog that's been kicked.
Waiting, for the next blow to come.
"He didn't kill me."
"What?"
"Greyback. The werewolf that bit me. He could have killed me. He nearly did." Remus stares down into the bottle. At the amber liquid that he's attempting to drown his fears and pain in. "He could have killed me and he chose not to."
"Why?"
"Because he wanted to infect me. He wanted me to suffer. He wanted to watch me bleed and know that I was going to end up…just. Like. Him."
Remus closes his eyes and realizes they're wet. He's crying.
He hadn't realized he was crying.
"You're not like him though."
"But what if I am?" More tears slip out of Remus' eyes and he shivers.
"You're not." There's something in Sirius' voice that makes Remus look at him, sprawled on James' bed. Drunk and high and miserable.
"I want him dead." His voice shakes as the words fall from his lips and Sirius just nods.
There's no surprise on his face. No concern. No reaction.
He just absorbs the words and nods.
Remus is forever thankful of that.
"I want to watch the light leave his eyes. I want him dead."
More tears drip from his eyes, sliding down his cheeks, his nose, they fall from his face onto the cotton sheets of James' bed and splash onto Sirius' pale arms.
"I want him dead." He says again. The words are like a weight lifted from his chest. From his shoulder's and back. His heart.
He's shaking. His whole body is racked with sobs. Snot running down his nose, tears leaking from his eyes. His breathing is shaky, shuddering and wet.
"Please, I just want him dead."
Sirius pushes himself up into a sitting position and wraps his arms around Remus. It's somehow casual yet intimate and Remus clings to Sirius. Fingers curling into the heavy fabric of Sirius' expensive robes.
Remus can smell the alcohol on Sirius. It's thick and heavy and burns his nostrils but it's still so Sirius. He can smell the alcohol but also blood. Sirius' blood.
Somewhere on Sirius, somewhere, he is bleeding. Remus knows it. Sirius has a thing for blood. The Marauders don't talk about that either.
Sirius just holds him though. Like some kind of modern day drunken saint and Remus sobs into his shoulder.
"Tell me." Sirius whispers into Remus' ear. "Tell me what you want. Tell me how to make it better."
His voice is low and breathy and it's hot and it tickles Remus' neck and he can still smell the blood and the whiskey and the room is still spinning faintly and he's still crying thick hot tears.
He's still a werewolf and Sirius is still a Black and they're still alone together and lost and broken and drunk.
.
"Kill him for me."
.
"Please."
.
"Just kill him for me."
.
"I didn't think you remembered that." Remus breaths out and Sirius cocks an eyebrow.
"I would never forget."
It's a rare moment. Now and then.
When Sirius is, for once, stripped of the dramatics and the fake smiles and the acting. When he is wholly and entirely consumed by you.
Back at school, Remus always felt quelled by Sirius and James.
They were blazon and brazen and beautiful. Brilliant and blatant and brave.
He used to watch as people crowded around them. Flocked to them.
James drew them in, with his fireworks and charm and warmth. James made you feel like you were on top of the world. Like there was nothing you couldn't do as long as he was by your side. James was the best confidence boost Remus had ever felt.
James drew them in, but Sirius made them stay.
Sirius was rough around the edges, harsh with his words and tone. He had flaws, massive ones. Sirius was broken, possibly beyond repair, and yet there were moments when he would stop and look at you.
And it was like you were the center of his whole world. He would look at you with those swirling silver eyes and he made you feel like the only things that existed were you and him.
He would look at you and you just knew that he would give everything, everything, to you in an instant if you asked him. Even if you didn't.
James drew people in. Sirius made them stay.
People loved James, but Sirius was the one who loved you.
Or at least, he pretended he did.
The fear always haunted Remus, but then, Sirius would look at him like he was doing now. And erase all traces of doubt in his mind.
"You told me once, to kill him. For what he did to you, and to all the other children."
"I told you to kill him because I hated him."
It's the truth.
Remus had always prized himself on being better than Sirius and James. A better person, since he wasn't better at anything else compared to them.
But he wasn't. Not really.
He wishes that he wanted Fenrir Greyback dead for the good of the world. Because killing him really would make the world a better place.
But-
He wants Fenrir Greyback dead because the man had ruined his life. Even though he hadn't.
Being a werewolf wasn't a curse. Not anymore. He had people who loved him, and he loved himself enough to respect that.
Fenrir Greyback had ruined one of his lives though. Had taken away his choice and his ability and everything would have been different if Greyback had not attacked him so many years ago.
It might have been better, it might have been worse. But he will never know. He will never ever know what his life could have been.
As much as he embraces what he is, who he is, the life he has, the only life he has, Remus understands. He understands that his life will never be as good or as easy or as painless as people who aren't infected. Witches and wizards look down on him and his kind, they spit on him and curse him and hate him and murder his kind without any retribution. And he endures, because that's what he does. That's who he is. He's better than that, than them. But he still recognizes it, and he still hates it, even if he doesn't hate himself.
And for that, he hates the man lying beaten and bloody on the forest floor in front of him.
He hates him with every fiber of his being. Every ounce of strength in his body.
He remembers sobbing into Sirius' shoulder, voice shaking and chest heaving as he told the one person he's ever told the truth to.
He remembers Sirius holding him, so gently and so carefully.
Remembers him whispering into his ear.
He remembers the horror and the fire and the desperation that consumed his body.
"I want him dead."
He had said those words. Sirius was right.
And he had meant them.
At fifteen, crying into his friend's shoulder, he hadn't been a murderer.
But now, the years have gone by.
Sirius watches him, with his silver eyes.
He's not fifteen anymore either.
Scars riddle his once perfect face. His glossy black hair is long and wild. His eyes spark with insanity more frequently than they used to.
They're not boys anymore. Not innocent, though many would argue that out of all the Marauders, Remus and Sirius had never been innocent.
They both have blood on their hands now.
Remus looks at Sirius and Sirius looks back at him.
Something unspoken goes between them.
Moving past Sirius, Remus steps into the clearing for the first time.
Greyback doesn't move. Just lies there in the dirt, bleeding.
Remus stands over him, just like Greyback had once stood over him.
Holding his life in his hands.
Suddenly Greyback lunges, grabbing Remus' ankles and dragging him into the dirt. Slams his head into the ground and roars. Battering his body. Remus curls and tries to get his arms up. Tries to protect himself.
It's all instinct and desperation and hatred.
He claws at the larger man like it's his last thread to life, feels his skin under his nails and the blood on his hands and gets a hold of Greyback's head and pushes his thumbs into Greyback's eyes and the soft squishy flesh of his eyeballs and the walls of the sockets and hears him scream.
Knees him in the balls and grabs at his long hair and yanks and tears. Shoves him over and straddles him. Punches him with every ounce of strength he has until his face is a bloody mess. Until his jaw breaks and his nose is flat against his face and his teeth are shaken loose.
And Remus keeps going.
Sirius stands off to the side and watches.
Doesn't help. Not even when Greyback whips Remus across the face and sinks his teeth into his arm. Rips chunks from his body with his teeth.
Remus growls. Like the wolf that he is and sinks his teeth into Greyback's ear and tears. The soft chewy flesh comes away easily. Remus would know. He's done this before.
He gets his hands around Greyback's throat and squeezes.
Greyback lunges and bucks and claws at him.
Nails scraping his face and tugging his hair and blood flows freely but he holds on.
Holds on for dear life.
"I…didn't think…you had it in you…" Greyback chokes out.
His yellow eyes glowing in the dull flat light of the forest and Remus squeezes harder.
His muscles are burning, his chest heaving, his heart pumping wildly and erratically.
Greyback coughs and shudders and his grip on Remus' arms loosens and Remus squeezes tighter.
It's impossible to hold on. It's impossible to keep it up. His hands are aching and his whole body feels like lead and his head is pounding and his vision is gray and fuzzy in the corners but he doesn't let go.
He stares down into Greyback's yellow eyes and watches as the last glimmer of life fades slowly away and he keeps squeezing.
Just to be sure.
He has to be sure.
He has to be sure.
He wants him dead.
He needs him dead.
He wants him dead.
Deaddeaddeaddeaddeaddeaddeaddead.
His vision wavers before his eyes and all he can see are Greyback's lifeless yellow eyes staring up at him and-
.
"It's okay." Sirius whispers.
Breath hot in Remus' ear, tickling his skin, warming his face.
"It's okay Remus."
Remus opens his eyes and sees Sirius kneeling in front of him. Sirius' hands cradling his face, thumbs moving in soft gentle circles.
There are tears on his face. Dripping down his cheeks. Remus feels them falling. Dripping from his eyes.
He's crying.
Sirius wipes them away gently.
"It's okay." He whispers again and Remus just stares at him.
At his perfect fractured face.
There's blood and dirt and whatever else smeared across Sirius' pale skin and his black hair is dirty and windblown and his silver eyes are fucking gleaming.
Remus breaths in and it feels like the first breath he's ever taken.
It's as if his body is waking up for the first time.
The ache in his muscles, the pain in his hands, the bruises forming on his face and body. The blood and the sweat and the tears.
He breathes out.
Breathes in.
Breathes out.
He feels so fucking alive.
The tears continue to fall.
Dripping down his blood stained face into the dirt and leaves of the forest floor and he closes his eyes and breaths in and out and in and out.
There's blood on his hands.
But there's no longer a weight on his heart.
And he thinks that's more than worth the trade off.
He turns his face toward the sky and lets the emotions flow over his tired beaten body.
Lets the sobs rack his body and his shoulders shake and his chest heave and the tears flow.
Sits back on his feet underneath him and cries.
For all that he's lost. And all that he's gained.
.
"Come on Remus."
Sirius says, holding out a scarred and warped hand to Remus. Pulling him to his feet.
There's a butterfly knife in one hand and Remus' arm in the other.
He guides the shorter man away from the clearing.
Through the trees and the bushes.
The unknown forest.
The sun is starting to rise, a soft matte light that flickers through the trees and Sirius steers Remus along a path that Remus doesn't even recognize.
Back to civilization. Back to the real world. Reality.
Remus clings to Sirius' hands and arms and to Sirius.
He just clings to Sirius.
In the early light he can see all the cracks in Sirius' face. In his façade.
But he follows him anyways.
Blindly. Like he's always done.
The sunlight hits him and for a moment, all Remus can see is light.
It's a new day.
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