Now I See
Chapter One
As the clock tower chimed 10pm, the door to the private quarters of the Headmistress's suite opened and Madam Pomfrey guided Headmistress Minerva McGonagall in. Waving her wand, Poppy caused the wall candles to burst forth their flames illuminating the dark room. Guiding Minerva with a light grasp on her right elbow, she led her boss over to the large burgundy couch in front of the fireplace. Poppy rotated around until she was facing Minerva and slowly guided her backwards, around the small table in front of the couch, until the back of Minerva's legs touched the couch. Minerva started to sit, tentatively reaching back her left hand until she found the armrest, then she guided herself down into the plush, familiar feeling couch. For the first time in weeks, Minerva felt a little bit in control, a little bit sure, and a tiny shred of her dignity restored. While Minerva adjusted into a comfortable position, Poppy waved her wand creating a comfortable crackling fire in the fireplace. Minerva winced slightly at the unexpected onslaught of sound - her animagus-enhanced hearing continuing to become more and more of a blessing and a curse. Poppy noticed Minerva's face turn ever so slightly towards the direction of the warmth as she took a deep breath and sighed. Another hint of control, of having the simple situational awareness expected of her, simply feeling the direction that the heat from the fireplace is coming from and knowing where to turn.
The Hogwarts healer reached into her pocket and took out two vials, one a pain potion Minerva would need in less than an hour and one a vial of Dreamless Sleep. She took a look at the two vials and realized her mistake. Minerva would not be able to tell them apart unless she opened them and sniffed. She would not be able to differentiate them like most others, by color. In the future, Poppy decided she would use different sized vials.
"Minerva, I'm putting the vial of pain potion on the table in front of you to your left."
Minerva pursed her lips slightly and crosses her arms in front of her chest defensively. Too many pain potions. Too many vials of Dreamless Sleep. – she thought. They had kept her in a fog for the last two weeks and the previous two weeks before that she had simply been unconsciousness. Now the potions numbed her sleep in one way and her conscious time in another. Right now, both were equally black, equally desolate. She almost wanted to feel pain, to live the terror of her recurring nightmare of that night… almost at least. But again, the pain would get so bad that her once formidable and unquestioned control would falter and she had put her hands on either side of her head and cried out – not knowing how many had heard or seen her weakness. She had been awakened by Poppy several times from the nightmares (and one time by Tinky) when it was finally thought best for her health to take the Dreamless Sleep, at least temporarily, to allow better healing. So for now, the brave Hero of the First and Second wars was simply afraid to not take the potions while she was still in the hospital wing – how very un-Gryffindor of her – she thought. At least that way, the numbness day and night appeared to be her in control. It was one of the reasons Minerva insisted on coming back to her quarters – to try and get off the potions in private.
Poppy shook her head sadly looking around the Headmistress's quarters. Rich maroon and emerald colors dominated the tapestries and furniture and the dark wood paneling and built-in bookshelves set a comfortable, stable tone to the space. She also noted the intricate layout full of furniture to navigate, the hundreds of books on the shelves and stacks of correspondence – all of which would have to be read to her by a person, an elf, or there were some spells. She looked at the grand window the Headmistress could be found at frequently that had a glorious view of the grounds of the school – now useless to Minerva.
Minerva broke her silence.
"Poppy, I'll be fine. Please leave me alone for a while." she said stoically.
"Would you like me to order you some tea?" asked Poppy.
"I'll have Tinky bring me something when I feel like it. Thank you, Poppy." responded Minerva.
She knew Minerva was trying to dismiss her. Poppy looked down at her boss and old friend. Minerva had insisted on being fully dressed for the short walk to her quarters, even though it was late and the school year not quite started. She was the regal Headmistress, her ebony hair peppered with grey up in its customary bun and dressed in her dark green under robe and emerald green high neck outer robe with a large, gold and black Celtic knot clasp near the neck. She still emanated composure and power and although in her late sixties, she could pass for fifty. There was one bit of green missing though. The piercing green eyes were gone, replaced with sunken grey sockets that Minerva mostly kept her eyelids closed over. She did not want to wear glasses yet – just to show she needed to hide behind them – like the potions. She felt like it would be another crutch – something to show vanity. However, closing her eyelids did help reduce physical discomfort, both hers and others.
Minerva sensed Poppy hesitating. She didn't want to snap at her old friend, but Minerva knew her control was razor thin and she wished to be left alone. She was so tired of being watched. So tired of being helped with every small activity. Even her magic was being continually strained. Minerva had been secretly practicing her wandless magic, continually sending out energy pulses and listening or feeling for the returns off walls, floors, objects, and trying to work a mental map in her head – just like muggle radar. Problems abounded though – sensing differences in fractions of seconds, directionality, being careful not to move objects or push actual people. So far, it was only to the point of realizing if there was a large, basic obstruction in front of her and she would get a piercing headache from the concentration. Minerva desperately needed some time alone. Some time away from the noise and confusion of regular activity in the hospital wing where she could not always tell what was going on. Some time where she could drop her guards and really assess her own physical and mental state. She still had gaps in her memory, especially during her recovery, which she wanted to work on. Besides, her head was indeed starting to hurt and she wanted to test delaying the pain potion in private.
Minerva angled her head in the direction she thought Poppy was and with a sigh said, "Poppy… really… I need some time. I'll send an elf if I need anything. I'd like to try and go without the Dreamless Sleep tonight also, so don't bother bringing it."
Minerva did not wait a response and turned her head towards the warmth again. She knew she had sounded short with the healer who had done so much for her over the last few weeks and Poppy knew it was finally time to give her old friend some space.
"Okay Minerva, but I have to see you in the morning. How about I come first and then I ask Filius to join you over breakfast so he can update you?"
Minerva nodded her acceptance of the offer. She wanted more interaction with the school again and meeting with the Deputy Headmaster had already been on her list. More things to do than dwell on herself. More situational awareness again.
"Goodnight then Minerva." Poppy said, adding, "Take care moving around the rooms please."
Minerva flinched a bit and frowned slightly at the warning about her own quarters but Poppy felt she had to verbalize the danger.
"I will." Minerva replied tersely. This is dragging on too much – she thought.
Poppy reached out to squeeze Minerva's shoulder, but thought better of the possibly startling action. Minerva finally heard the swish and steps of Poppy moving across the room and the clicks and squeaks of the door opening and closing. She heard the footsteps going down the stairs into the Headmistress's main office, and her animagus-enhanced hearing could detect the moving spiral staircase sending her out the main entrance of the office. She was glad her hearing could aid her in this way, but again it was also overwhelmed at times in the garish world of "regular, noisy activity" and was usually swamped out.
Alone at last. Minerva uncrossed her arms, relaxed her back and shoulders and let her head fall forward. She took several deep, relaxing breaths. Regardless, she continued to feel the headache slowly build. If it followed the same pattern, it would go from a headache centered in the upper forehead and move down to raw pain in the center of her head behind her eye sockets and just continue expanding until she felt intense pressure and pain ear to ear. Poppy had called in healers from St. Mungos after the main injuries seemed to be healed to look for the root cause. Pain potions (the strongest ones) kept it down to a dull roar but she had to take them every 8 to 10 hours. The pain was more related to damaged nerves healing (or trying to heal or simply not able to heal, they were not sure) than any other residual damage with bones or the brain. She was grateful that she had come through with minimal brain trauma – just a bit of memory flashes/fuzziness. Over time, the healers thought the pain would lessen but might never go totally away. Minerva took some more deep breaths. Get your mind off it – she thought. Maybe she would have some tea. She rose up her head and straightened her back.
"Tinky." she called out.
In an instant, a middle aged female elf popped into the room. She had kept it to a gentle pop knowing the Headmistress's issues with sound now.
"What can Tinky do for the Headmistress?" Tinky queried. Tinky was very proud to be the primary house elf of the Headmistress. She had seen her through many things when she was a Professor and the Deputy Headmistress. Tinky had fought with the castle elves protecting the hospital wing, the Great Hall which had overflow injured, and common rooms during the battle against Voldemort. The kind elf was also glad to see Minerva out of the hospital wing. Many nights and days Tinky had quietly watched over the Headmistress. Seeing her in pain and with bad dreams. Seeing her hold back tears that could still gush from the sockets when she thought no one was around. Tinky respected the powerful witch in front of her and her privacy, but also knew she was human like the rest of those her kind served and she watched over the Headmistress even if she did not know she was there for the Headmistress' own safety – physical and mental. The Headmistress had always treated Tinky with respect and Tinky would serve her well in every way for all time.
"A tea tray please, Tinky." Minerva responded.
"Tinky shall returns quickly, Headmistress." Tinky responded and quietly popped out. In less than five minutes, Tinky popped back in with a tray of tea with sides of sliced lemon, sugar, and cream along with ginger newts, sweet biscuits, and cucumber sandwiches. She quickly placed the tray on the table in front of the sofa making sure to not knock over the vial she saw there. Tinky knew she needed to tell her Headmistress what was on the tray and even maybe pour and hand her the first cup.
"Headmistress, I's brings tea, ginger newts, biscuits, and cucumber sandwiches. May Tinky pours you a cup of tea?" she asked.
Minerva knew Tinky was just trying to be helpful, but wanted to do as much for herself as she could. She also wanted to be able to do things both with and without magic.
"No Tinky. Come over, take my hands and show me where everything is. Then in the future always bring the tray laid out in the same way and set it in front of me in the same direction." Minerva replied. Tinky padded over, and reached out to grasp the Headmistress' hands. Minerva repulsed the slight flinch from not knowing exactly when Tinky would take her hands and allowed the elf to guide her hands and state the location of every item. So much to remember, even on a tea tray – she thought. Minerva asked Tinky to rearrange the tray slightly to ensure she did not reach over food or accidentally bump the tea pot and so that the handles were all pointed conveniently for her grasp. Tinky also reminded Minerva of where the vial was.
"Thank you Tinky. That will be all." Minerva acknowledged. Normally, Tinky would have bowed and popped out, but instead Tinky replied verbally, "Tinky is prouds to serve the Hero of two wars, Order of Merlin - First Class, and the greats Headmistress of Hogwarts." and then she popped out.
Minerva sighed at Tinky's glowing statement. She knew it was meant in earnest, but wondered whether she could really live up to any of those accolades any more. Minerva relaxed her head and shoulders again, and reached out for the teapot.
Okay – got it – where's the cup – it's just there – now how much to pour? – going to have to feel for it this time and remember how much in the future – Okay – not quite to top – pot down – sugar cube in – lemon slice in – spoon – Okay stir carefully – pick up cup and saucer – ta dah – simple task done.
Minerva took a careful sip of the hot tea which caused her to smile and relax ever so slightly. She sank back into the couch. She noted how well the simple distraction had worked. The headache was still there – top of the forehead – but had progressed some, but definitely slower she thought. Getting her mind onto something else was helping. Even just a simple tea service.
Okay – now what to think of – what to do – sip – sip – sip Reach out and take a ginger newt. Found it. Dunk it and eat. Tastes good. Pain in the head… Think of something else... Think of someone else…
A gasp of realization fell from her mouth as a painful memory flashed out of the fog and clarified in her mind. Minerva jerked her head up and reflexively opened her eyelids creating a scratching, tugging sensation. The jostling did not help her head any either. She spilled tea all over her hands and robes trying to put the cup and saucer down in the correct spot. Minerva brought her right hand over to her left forearm, pushed up the sleeves of the robes and felt the fresh, four inch scar and she whispered a name…"Hermione".