It's always the wolf's fault. In every fairy tale from The Boy Who Cried Wolf to The Three Little Pigs, the wolf always seems to be the one to blame and yet rarely he ever is. Many know of the classic story of Little Red Riding Hood, the one with the big bad wolf, the frail little girl, and her even more pathetic grandmother. You know the one where the big bad wolf eats the grandmother and then tries to eat the girl. The girl, of course, tricks (or just bores him enough) into revealing himself so that this completely random guy with an axe can chop up the wolf and retrieve the grandmother. Yeah, that one. Obviously, this is not how the story went. One reason being that no random guy with an axe would just pop out of some corner to do away with the dreaded wolf. Another reason is that I would never eat a human, much less that old skeleton of a grandmother. Yes, me. The big bad wolf from the story. Maxwell W. Restinab III is my name, and I know what really happened that fateful day.
It was just another day and I was just leaving the office after having closed up a case. My high grade investigative work had just won a very large settlement for three bears from a young girl with golden hair who not only trespassed on private property and broke into their house, but also ate their porridge, sat in their chairs, and slept on their beds. You see, I work at a firm called Woodland & Trees, which is a firm that works hard to protect the rights of forest animals everywhere, as well as the occasional foolish boy with a beanstalk. Both visitors and humans alike must realize that we forest animals have rights too, and it's my job to investigate any abuse of those rights. I have uncovered numerous offenders from old scrooges to the Queen of Hearts to the Wicked Witch of the West. As I was saying, I was just leaving the office to go home when the phone rings. Now my secretary Gretel Crumb is a smart girl, even if she seems to have somewhat of a fear of pies. She wouldn't forward me a case this late if it wasn't important. So I answered it.
"Restinab."
"Mr. Restinab, this is Rip Van Winkle. I am calling you on behalf of Sir Gingerbread Man. According to him, numerous cookies have been disappearing from Sugar Land and in every instance there has been a girl with a red hood. He believes that this may be the work of a young girl who goes by the name Little Red Riding Hood. Will you please take this case?" I knew who Red was. The granddaughter of one of the greatest cookie makers in the world, Red was a legend. However, I wasn't so easily fooled. So I took the case.
"Yeah, sure. I'll do it."
"Excellent, please call us the second you get something. Good day."
Just my luck that I would get a case just before closing. I sat back and considered my options. Figuring that it was too late now to find out anything, I decided to find Red tomorrow and ask her about the cookie disappearances. With nothing else to do, I headed home.
The next morning found me at Red's house going over my questions for her. I had been mulling over whether or not to hit her hard or go easy on her. What am I thinking, she's a grown girl. I'm giving it to her hard. With that in mind I go up to her door to knock.
"I was wondering when you would get up the nerve to talk to her. What are you, love sick?" Now both curious and annoyed, I turned in the direction of the voice only to see a small cat wearing a pair of well-used boots. It seemed he was taking a day off from Lord Marquis' side just long enough to annoy me. Nobility or not, he didn't frighten me and I was still offended.
"Tell me, oh great Puss, is this what you now do in your spare time? How the mighty have fallen." Puss looked at me with disdain, but then smirked as if he knew something I didn't.
"You sure could be courteous to me. After all, I came out here in this blistering heat just to tell you that Miss Red is not currently home."Somehow I doubt that that was his only reason to come out. Wait. Not home?
"Well then where is she?
"Where she always is at this time of year, she's bringing supplies to her dear grandmother of course." Ah yes, Grandma. More manipulative than frail, she always gets others to do her dirty work, especially Red. I reminded myself that I would need to question Grandma as well. As helpful as Puss was, I didn't feel like giving him the satisfaction of my gratitude. Instead, I opted for just walking in the direction of Grandma's place.
Now this is the part where I am supposed to have a very creepy conversation with Red about her and Grandma. And I'll admit it was kind of creepy. This was a part of the forest where light barely seeped through and where the only pretty thing growing here was moss. And this is where I came face to face with Red. No, don't ask me how I managed to catch up with her so quickly. Maybe she decided to visit her princess friend near the forest but probably had to wait awhile as that princess is always sleeping. Obviously, she was very surprised to see me.
"Who are you?"
"Maxwell W. Restinab III. I work for Woodland & Trees."
"Never heard of either." Oh now that's just depressing. Really, I just don't get enough credit for the work I do for this forest if Miss Social Butterfly doesn't even know who I am.
"Never mind me. I have some questions for you right now. Let's start with where you were say….damn it." In all my eagerness, I had forgotten to ask when the robberies had taken place. I'm such an idiot. Red stared at me, confused. I hurried to recover.
"Yes, um, let's start with what you know about some recent thefts of cookies from Gingerbread Man's villa Sugar Land." This news seemed to surprise Red as well as put her into something of a frenzy.
"Somebody stole Gingerbread Man's cookies? How terrible! You know, I once knew Mr. Gingerbread Man from a very long time ago. I was playing with my friend's seven dwarfs and I saw him just sitting there and so of course I had….." I'll refrain from telling you the rest of her conversation for your own sake. Not only is it completely unhelpful, but it is also painfully boring. I continued on to Grandma's house while Red was still jabbering away. For your information, she had already obtained the flowers by this point.
I arrived at Grandma's house pretty quickly as I knew all the back roads or paths as guess would be the right thing to call them. I walked right in as the door was unlocked. What? She lives on a mountain; did you expect her to keep her doors locked? She wasn't there however, so I had to decide the next best course of action. Inspiration struck me, so I quickly put on one of the old broad's nightgowns. Maybe if Red wouldn't tell me what she was up to, maybe she would tell "Grandma."
No, I will not go through the grueling wait in detail. Let's just say that this girl must love to hear herself talk with how long she took. Since I was too nervous to leave the bed, I ended up staring outside the bedroom window at what looked to be a little wooden boy playing with his little frog of a friend. It was all childish, really. I had finally just about fallen asleep when then door opened to reveal, you guessed it, Little Miss Red herself. She looked at me cautiously, wondering if I was real.
"Grandma?" No, Rumpelstiltskin.
"I'm right here Little Red. Now why don't you come over and see your grandmother." Finally remembering that her legs worked, Red got up and crept over towards me.
"Grandma, what big eyes you have." No. I will not go through this again. You may find it very essential to my story but I don't care. I'm skipping this part.
"Grandma, what big teeth you have." Unfortunately, I have to leave in the last part otherwise this story will not make much if any sense to you. What you do need to know is that the conversation had gone for quite awhile and my patience just snapped. I tore off the Grandma costume and snapped at her.
"Will you shut up for just 5 seconds? I mean how long can someone stand to hear herself talk? I swear I will eat you if you don't keep quiet!" That was my mistake. That sentence right there sealed my fate. I probably knew it at the time, but was too frustrated to care. Even now I'm getting pissed off just thinking about it. Oh, woeful me.
When I looked at Red, I realized that she was shaking so hard she could put the spin cycle on a washing machine to shame. She must have been really terrified, for she didn't speak for twelve whole seconds. Then she ran screaming like a banshee.
I can't remember what happened after that. According to my secretary, I had passed out due to that girl's bloodcurdling scream on my poor ears. There was never any random guy with an axe. Not only that, but I found out that I had been set up by Mr. Gingerbread Man. There never had been any robberies. I kept pleading my innocence, but sadly no one listened. I give my word to you now, it wasn't my fault. It was Gingerbread Man.'s. It was all his fault.