"They've found another body."
Emily's blood runs cold at her mother's words. Sitting on the window seat, she pitches forward, grasping into her arms,
"Not Paige. Not again. Not Paige. Please not Paige."
When it turns out to be Cece's body Emily only feels relief, she has no more room left to grieve for someone she didn't really know. She's lost too much already. And she can't get it out of her head that Paige is in danger; that the people she loves, Ali, Maya, even Toby have all been lost on this game that she doesn't know how to play, or even what the rules are. And she can't lose Paige forever. She can't. So she makes a decision.
Emily spends time making herself mad at Paige - sometimes Paige makes stupid decisions that make it easier. And she's made a number regarding Shana. She spends time thinking through all the stupid things she did, all the things she never told her, the times she was only half-honest, until Emily can almost believe that she's angry with her. Can almost convince herself that it's the right thing to do. That Paige isn't trustworthy.
"I think we should break up."
And it's the hardest thing she's ever had to say. If Emily were honest with herself, if she could be honest with herself, she'd admit that it's harder to do than she thought. That in some ways it's harder than losing Ali, or Maya, or Toby.
Paige can't speak. Can't breath. Looks like she's gasping for air. Her legs seem to give way beneath her and she collapses onto her bed.
"Em."
Emily turns away. She can't look at her. Can't afford to see what's in Paige's eyes, because Paige's eyes are never anything other than honest, especially when she looks at Emily.
"I can't trust you."
"What?"
Paige almost whispers her response.
And Emily keeps her eyes averted from Paige's face. She balls her hands into fists so that the nails on her fingers are digging into her palms, to remind her of what she has to really lose. Of how much more it would hurt if anything happened to Paige. She shifts her eyes and hardens her voice. Swallowing to keep back the tears, she needs to get this out, quickly and then she can leave.
"I can't trust you and I need to be able to trust you. With everything that's going on with Spencer and the girls and Mona and whoever the hell else is chasing our tails, I need to be able to trust you."
Paige almost can't speak through the tears,
"You can trust me. I'd do anything for you."
"Paige, you lied to me. First about who Shana was to you, is to you, then about Caleb, about Ali, about the night I was drugged. Hell, you even tried to drown me."
And although Emily is trying to make this the best performance she can, she never wanted to go so far. She almost buckles when she sees Paige's face change, but she stays strong, because she can't let it go now. And that was the knock-out blow. She doesn't even look back as she picks up her bag and walks out of the room. All she can hear is Paige's sobbing and her calling her name.
Emily thought it would get easier. She'd thought it was the right thing to do. But she can barely move through the next few days or weeks or months. She becomes numb, her heart a broken, neglected thing. At night, she writes to Paige in a small blue notebook. She tells her the real reasons why. She tells her how she remembers her smile, her eyes, her laugh, her kisses. How her tongue felt in her mouth, how she tasted. How she felt when Paige came, when Paige made her come. How much she loves her hands and her fingers, her arms. How, every night, she remembers Paige's touch on the skin of her stomach. How she still sees the little brown mole on Paige's left breast when she closes her eyes at night; how when she touches herself whispering Paige's name she wishes the hand inside her, stroking her was Paige. How she remembers Paige's tongue exploring her body. How Paige would laugh when they were fucking and how she would smile into their kisses. How her hands felt in her hair. And she tells her how she cries herself to sleep most nights, curled around Paige's red hoodie that she left one night a couple of months before they broke up.
She writes about how she watches her at school, who she speaks to at lunchtimes, how she acts in classes. And fearfully she writes about how she can see Paige slipping away, becoming smaller. Losing herself, losing the Paige that Emily knows, and will always know. How she sees her becoming shrunken, hardened, like she was when Ali was around and torturing her. She sees how she has a guarded look. She sees how Spencer tries to talk to her and how Paige so aggressively turns her back on her. She watches as Paige develops a new her. Someone who is cold and predatory. She hangs out more with Shana and a new gang. She's seen around with different girls, a different girl most weeks she hears. Paige has game now and a demeanour that's tough, that makes girls think they can change her, get close to her, soften her.
But Emily knows what softens Paige. Knows what makes her smile and laugh. Emily knows where to touch and how to touch her. Emily knows how to make Paige come undone underneath her. Emily knows the only thing that can save Paige now is her but she also knows that the thing that can hurt her most is her. She still sees glimpses of her Paige when they unwillingly catch eyes in school, in the corridor, or at the end of a class. She can still see the momentary softness when she catches Paige's unguarded gaze. And then she closes up again, turns away, mutters a curse, or a cutting word, before Emily can mouth I'm sorry. Or, I still love you.
And Emily hates herself. She's responsible. She feels like she's living in a bubble where everything is going on around her but she can't feel. Can't care. Spencer tries. She calls round to Emily's house one evening after school. She can't bear this. Can't bear to think that –A has taken away one more thing from Emily, one more good thing from them all.
She finds Emily sitting on her window seat, pressed into the corner, watching, wary as if she's trying to hide herself from ghosts.
"Emily? Hi."
Emily looks up. She looks terrible. Eyes wild. She sees it's Spencer and she tries to smile.
"Spence."
"Em. You ok?"
She steps to the window seat and tentatively sits, not too close to Emily. She's like a wounded animal lately, can't bear being touched or looked at for too long.
Emily laughs, a harsh bark.
"Sure. What could I possibly have to not be ok about?" In her head she's thinking, what could I possibly have?
"Emily." Spencer sighs her name. "What's going on?"
"Nothing. Why should anything be going on, Spencer? We can't all check into Radley when it gets too much. Some of us have to soldier on in the real world, just taking it each day at a time." She thinks, one breath at a time.
And Spencer feels the barb, but she's not here for herself, she's here for Emily. And Paige. And she thinks again about how Emily is like an animal, reacting on instinct, reacting with a growl first before someone gets close enough to hurt her. Again.
"What happened with Paige? What did she do? I thought you two were long haul."
And Emily barks that laugh again, cruel, guarded eyes on Spencer, says nothing.
"Paige won't speak to me either."
"I know."
"Just said you broke up with her."
"I did."
And Emily turns away, trying to turn away from herself, from what she's done. Just wants Spencer gone.
"Why?"
Emily shrugs. Leans her head on the window pane, eyes far away down the road and Spencer has never been more worried about her.
"What did she do?"
"Nothing, Spence. Leave it. Nothing."
"Did she cheat?"
Emily laughs again.
"Ok, no. So, what? She's part of the –A team?"
"That's not the worst thing that can happen, Spence."
Spencer shrinks at that, but she swallows and carries on.
"Then, what is?"
"Don't you get it? Oh, just leave it."
"No. What? What don't I get?"
"That I can't lose her."
"But you've just lost her."
Spencer's puzzled, gives a confused look,
"No, Spence. I can still see her every day. I can still make sure she's ok. I can still watch over her this way."
"Oh."
Spencer gets it. It's what Emily's lost and what she's terrified of losing again.
"I do get it. But. This is no way to live, Em. Don't you think this is what –A always wanted. To stop us from living. To make us terrified of our own shadows. To make us too scared to function. You can't let her win."
"But I can't lose again."
"But it's not just you this time, Em. Don't you think it's Paige's decision too? Look at what she's lost."
Because Spencer knows too what it would be like to lose Emily as a friend. She felt it herself for a while and she can see what it's doing to Paige.
"I can't."
"I don't think it's just your decision to make. Don't you think Paige would want to have a say?"
"I know what she'd say."
Spencer smiles sadly,
"Yeah. I don't think there's any doubt about that. But, Em, I think if you carry on like this, –A has won. Is winning. You're being left alone now, don't you think there's something in that? That you're already in so much pain that even –A can't touch you anymore."
Because it was true, since she and Paige have broken up, -A has moved on to other targets, doesn't even acknowledge Emily is there. She feels like Aria.
Once Spencer's left, Emily can't think, can't process. But somewhere in her head she can feel that Spencer may be right. She knows for sure she can't function like this for much longer. Emily hasn't been able to settle to anything for a while now. She's given up swimming, she can't stand to see Paige, to catch her eye in the changing rooms. She can't stand to have to turn around when they're changing for the wrong reasons rather than like before, when they'd grin and have to tear their eyes away from one another, flushing red with desire. She can't bear to see her in such an intimate place and a place that was so much theirs. She gives up on so much, just about maintaining a good grade average to ensure she can get out, get the hell away from Rosewood from this no life. But she doesn't know what to do.