A/N: This was a piece that was originally posted to my AO3 on 12/11/2013
Warnings: Heavy depression references and suicidal ideation
Cat·a·to·ni·a [noun] [Psychiatry]: Abnormality of movement and behavior arising from a disturbed mental state. It may involve repetitive or purposeless over-activity, or catalepsy, resistance to passive movement, and negativism.
At first he did not realize what they were doing or why. He was young, carefree, and this was his life. He dared not question their actions, and convinced himself this is what he must endure. They treated him like royalty outside of the cruelty, doting on him time after time. Gifts were handed down frequently as they gave in to every request. All he had to do was behave, and do as they say, simple enough. People danced around him, keeping him in the dark, letting him do as he wished. The young child looked up from the chair and smiled as he watched a man, who he believed to be like God, walk in to the room. Toue smiled down upon him and he was convinced his life was perfect. However, it is much easier to play pretend when you do not let your princess out of the castle and he quickly learned his reality was not what he wanted.
And like a rug was pulled out from under his feet his world came crashing down. The innocence of childhood died away along with his happiness. He discovered what sort of Hell he was in, and realized he was royalty in the palace of the enemy. Day after day he was held down and forced to undergo various procedures. Some painful and others just terrifying. Then, like nothing happened, they would lock him away. He wanted someone to blame and he wanted to escape. Yet, the only one he ever blamed was himself for not being strong enough. What was outside these walls? Question after question plagued his mind, with no one to answer. Why? Why him? It was so unbearably lonely. He remembered the first time he resisted and they had to hold him down. He screamed for them to stop, that it hurt, and that he did not want this anymore. Black straps were brought around is chest and pulled suffocatingly tight. A mask was placed over his face as he tried to turn away. The room spun and colors clashed together as the feeling of dread over took him. They were speaking to him, but he did not understand a word of it. Everything sounded like it was underwater and nausea began to form. Unable to think straight, paranoia washed over him and he thought he was going to die. Without feeling in his body he threw his arm aimlessly towards his face to knock off the mask. He believed one of them laughed, but he could not tell for sure. His body shook violently as tears streaked his face. I'm going to die, I'm going to die! And then there was darkness and it felt so sweet. It was after that, that a collar was placed around his neck. Like a bird that had it's wings clipped, he no longer fought to fly. As he opened his eyes he realized that he truly wanted to die.
Slowly he became less responsive and took everything as it came. He rejected their gifts and would only speak if absolutely necessary. Sometimes Toue would come for him and make him follow. He did not particularly like it, but he did not dare go against him either. He did not hold anything against Toue, he did not believe him to be evil, but he had no desire to go along with whatever he had planned. Once upon a time he expressed his distaste for being left in the dark, and since then, Toue would openly talk to him about his thoughts and plans. He was always unsure if this was just to see him respond or if he truly believed that he was on Toue's side. He talked about his plans for Platinum Jail and the island of Midorjima. He talked about his brother, Aoba, who they had lost, yet believed him to still be alive along with his other existence. He talked about his abilities as well as Aoba's, and how they were one of his greatest designs.
Aoba… his little brother.
One of the few things that kept him going was the thought of Aoba. Through-out the day he found himself wondering about him. Where was he? Was he okay? He prayed that he was safe and sound and would never have to face the horror of what he was going through. He imagined one day meeting him, and he prayed it would be soon.
With thoughts of his brother he constantly fell inside himself. Often times he would pretend he was dead, just to bare the pain. All he wanted was to become nothing. Nothing to gain and nothing to lose. Sometimes he would imagine grabbing a scalpel from the tray beside him and running it across his throat. He imagined the feeling of hot blood pooling down his neck and chest as unconsciousness embraced him bringing him to his death. Day after day he thought of ways to be free, whether it be escaping the tower walls or jumping off the roof. This was not his reality and certainly not not what he wanted.
And like an answered prayer Toue had come to him and began speaking of testing his consciousness. He went on about something called Rhyme and how he planned to monitor it in hopes to begin collecting data on the residents. He was disinterested and dreaded the thought of undergoing more procedures. However, his fascination was struck when he was confronted with Usui. He was placed on a table, next to Usui, who laid there unmoving; a lifeless doll. They said Usui's face was made in image of his own, but he did not believe it. Usui was beautiful and he was just broken and worn. More needles, more wires, more drugs, more pain. There was a ripping feeling inside himself as he became a part of something else. And it was through Usui that he found his first taste of freedom, and in that moment, he realized he could never be happy.
He never had control over Usui, however, he was able to see through his eyes. He found ways to separate his consciousness even more and was able to see the outside world. He had heard rumors that his brother had played Rhyme and was desperate to come across him. However, time went on, and it seemed like the idea was hopeless. Instead, he would run away from the walls by separating his consciousness in hope to find Aoba himself; watch over him, guide him, or simply see his face. Then finally one day he saw him, and there was a rush of hope knowing he was okay. He begged for him to come closer, but Aoba turned away.
Time after time they tried to keep him from separating his consciousness, they warned him that it would have negative effects, but he did not care. Like usual he remained silent and did not move. They harassed him, and he would simply use his abilities to stop them in their tracks. He hated himself for it, but he wanted nothing more than to be left alone.
Soon enough, he knew what they meant. He felt hollow, weak, and found it hard to move, even when he wanted to. Despite it all, he would continue to escape the walls by separating his consciousness. He was tired and wanted to die and it was the only thing that made him feel even a little bit alive. The only spark of hope came from his escape in to the city, even if no one could see him there. Like a ghost he lingered in the streets only returning when he could no longer keep open his eyes.
And that is when he was introduced to Virus and Trip. From the moment they stepped in to his presence, he had a terrible feeling. He looked in to their eyes and there was nothing. Toue mentioned that they had their eyes replaced, so that he could not manipulate them like the others, but that was not what made him uneasy. He did, like usual, and did not speak nor move. Sometimes Virus would talk to him, but he might as well have been talking to a brick wall. Occasionally they would sit on either side of him, touch his face, his neck, his arm, his chest, farther and farther, oh. What fascinating and wicked men they were. The emptiness in them was startling and he had a hard time believing they were even human. Maybe they were not. Still he did not move nor speak. More often than not he forget they were even there. He no longer noticed when people touched him and did not hear when he was spoken to. It no longer mattered, really. Everyone always did what they wanted to him, he was there's to play with and keep. He was no longer his own, therefore he became nothing to himself. It is better to have a doll than something that will struggle. In the end they never heard him speak.
Time passed, and finally there was no more pain. One could say something broke inside him, but he saw it as a release. No longer could he speak or move. No longer did he drink nor eat. No longer did he do anything at all, and instead resolved to becoming nothing. Sometimes they would move him, or he would unconsciously walk when forced to his feet and end up somewhere else, without realizing it. Death is all he wanted now, and a last attempt he called out to Aoba. Please save me. Please save me! Destroy me.
Toue led him to the balcony high above Platinum Jail. There was excitement all around him, and people called out his name. Everyone was so happy in their brainwashed state. He envied them greatly. He looked out over the crowd and he imagined falling. The quick plunge with a rush and the wind through his hair. The intensity as he hit the solid ground and blood poured out of his body. Like a baby bird pushed out of the nest before it is able to fly. He wanted to die, it sounded so nice.
He lost track of time and how many tests he had endured. He was tainted, worn, broken, and lifeless. He became nothing, and a full-time job for the workers. He lived in the moment, not focusing on anything. They alerted Toue that he was in a stupor, possibly brought on by post-traumatic stress disorder and severe clinical depression, but no one saw it as an issue. In fact, they seemed to enjoy the fact that they could lay him down quite like an object or a toy. He avoided eye contact which eased them and not a sound left his mouth. His eyesight damaged by the tests left his vision blurred. Not that he really wanted to see his surroundings, it actually seemed better this way. Physically he was exhausted and could no longer maintain his body from the constant consciousness separation. It was perfect. Lifeless, nothing, like a doll, his world was blank. A princess in his kingdom of lifelessness. He learned how to break reality around him, and that, was what he truly wanted. This is what he wanted.
DESTROY ME...
And here I am, damned and broken. I can not fix myself, my life caught in the open. And it was you I loved, but was unable to say. As you go on day to day. Is there anything that I hold dear? As I am caught up in my fear. I am better off alone. Years have past and I have grown. I wanted freedom, but that was long ago. Years have damaged me and I have stooped too low. Here I lay on the cold floor. Yet you fight for me like I am worth something more. Do not be sad and please do not cry. However, I really have to say goodbye. I promise you, I will be okay. This was my fate anyway. Hurry up and go on your way. Ren will take care of you day to day. My body, the last gift to start anew. Little brother, I promise, I loved you.