Oh. Dear. God.
I have fallen far back on my planned schedule! So here's the uber late response to the Splendid x Flippy x Flaky request by Dreamy Loner! Please excuse the potential farfetchedness of this fic, and the lack of any legitimate shipping here.
Disclaimers: I don't own HTF, jokes, words, scenarios, yada yada yada… and I can't write any lemons… are you happy now you goddamn site patrollers? (Presses play)
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Flippy looked out of the window of his two story house, observing that soul that he has wanted to ask out since the day he spotted her. He watched in a half daydream as the red porcupine skipped merrily down the street, still being in her own timid mind as she stopped at the smallest sound emitted from the surrounding environment. The said figure was Flaky, everyone's favourite porcupine in town.
Flippy, being lost in his daydream, began to drool before he snapped out of his trance as he felt a firm hand on his shoulder. Turning around to face, he identified the following as Splendid, his friend tagging along with him.
"Hey bud," Splendid asked, "How's the word?"
"Ahh! Hu…" Flippy mumbled, "Oh, hey Splendid."
"So what's going on?" Splendid repeated indirectly, before he predicted his friends answer by observing facial expressions. "Oh, is it about her again?"
"YES!" Flippy blurted out abruptly, "It's Flaky and I can't seem to get it through!"
"Hmm," the blue figure thought, "I think it's viable if you at least talk to her, have you tried it yet?"
"N-no," Flippy stuttered, in half embarrassment, fidgeting with his fingers.
"Well no matter," Splendid chuckled, pulling out a pair of high powered telescopic binoculars and walking onto the balcony, "It's the talking that counts- you can drool all day and still get scat. Just think of it as military jargon talk, ok?"
"Oh, alright," Flippy responded sceptically, trailing behind.
Splendid stood up on the edge of the balcony with the widest field of view towards the street, hoping to be able to catch a glimpse of Flaky in order to feed his friend with the data he needs for their stalkery attempt. He observed in the direction the porcupine passed to, adjusting the lens to try and get a good focus on the target.
As hard as he attempted however, Flaky was long out of sight. A tap on his shoulder caused him to jolt his binoculars up towards the sun while his eyes were still through it, causing him to be blinded white for the brief moment as the squirrel attempted to pick himself up from the gravel.
"No need for that, she's right there!" Flippy pointed, clearly towards Flaky whom was walking in the opposite direction from their observation field of view.
"What the.." Splendid mumbled before actually talking, "Ok, alright, you know the plan, go in and take in the reel, got that?!"
"On it," Flippy replied, running into the house and coming back out a moment later, with a fishing rod and a cookie attached to the hook.
"Flippy, what are you doing?" Splendid asked in confusion and shock at his preparation.
"I thought you told me to take in the reel," Flippy replied flatly, "Isn't a fishing rod what we use to reel catch in?"
"What- NO!" Splendid lashed out abruptly, taking Flippy back by surprise, "It's a figure of speech, ok? Now get out there and talk to her if you want to start a relation or such!"
"Figure of-?" Flippy started before quickly changing his mind, "Oh screw it, I'm gonna do this, manly or not!"
"That's the spirit!" Splendid cheered on, taking position near a window, "Now get out there and score some chickas!"
Noticing that his companion wasn't following him, the veteran asked, "Hey wait a minute, aren't you coming with me?"
"Nope…" Splendid whistled flatly to his green pal.
"Don't friends help out others in need-"
"Hey, if I ask her, she's mine." Splendid pointed out rather accurately.
"Alright, alright, I'll do it, jeez…" Flippy groaned out the door, feigning a look of happiness as he opened the door.
Splendid watched carefully as the plot unfolded, sort of like a spy hiding in some sort of dark corner that no one else except for himself notices. However, even he knows that he is only able to evaluate, as there's no way for him to control his friends mental instincts, at the moment being at least. Prying the window open quietly, he hoped the crack allowed the passage of sound to his ears without being noticed too obviously.
"Hello Flippy!" Flaky smiled and waved at the green figure in camouflage as he moved closer to her before stopping.
"hhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooeeeeeeee….." Flippy babbled, unable to find his voice as his mouth foamed up in front of his desired love interest.
"Um…" Flaky stammered, backing off at Flippy's strange behaviour, "Are you quite alright? Do you need me to-"
Just as Flaky said the partial sentence to his ears, Flippy lost himself and his personal manners, vomiting his lunch all over Flaky, managing to strike her in the face and shirt with his 'recycled' food as he stumbled on carelessly unaware.
"Gross!" Flaky cried, running off down the street and trying to rub the filthy pieces off herself.
Splendid, noticing that his friend was still not well from his perching position, quickly jumped off from the window and landed onto the flowerbed. Taking a quick pace over, the blue one gave Flippy a good smack in the head from the vertical, jolting him back into reality.
"So how did that go?" Flippy asked, unsure of his progress.
"It wasn't pretty," Splendid explained, "But I think you vomited all over her in the process."
"Did I?" Flippy remarked, hoping for a dirty joke.
"Yep, check your mouth, that explains all." Splendid assured, giving solid proof as Flippy wiped his mouth.
"Goddamnit!" Flippy wailed, sobbing slightly, "Now I'll never get to date her, not after what happened!"
"Keep trying, keep trying…" Splendid patted gently, trying to hide his sigh of frustration. "And maybe try to ask someone that has had experience with such issues before…"
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Later…
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"Two please." the person in front of Flippy remarked to the cafeteria lady, who was serving out lunch to the people in line. He still kept his posture low at the moment, still feeling bad for blowing the moment of truth in front of his friend.
Noticing that it was his turn in line, Flippy walked forward to the cafeteria lady to give her his order, but Splendid beat him to the tongue on this occasion.
"Today's meatball special," Splendid ordered, "And no jam please."
"Here they are." she replied almost immediately, handing him a gray cafeteria pan with his brownish meatballs in two pairs of white plates. The said following was Giggles' Mom, the taller and more mature counterpart of her daughter.
Before walking off, Flippy suddenly remembered what Splendid told him earlier of searching for someone that could provide useful help from experience. Even though he was unsure if the lunch lady even had any experience, the green figure decided to give it a shot, seeing that she was open minded from previous experiences, while being a mother at the same time, would let him safely conclude that she must have had some sort of experience with relationship matters.
"Hey, just one thing," Flippy asked, eyeing around the cafeteria before looking back at the pink figure, "Do you have a moment to spare?"
"I guess," She shrugged, with the sign of a faint smile on her lips, "What do you need?"
"I need to ask, uh," Flippy stumbled as he noticed that Splendid was watching, before he managed to find his sentence almost a second late. "It's about your daughter, Giggles."
"What about her?" she piped back.
"Well, uh…" Flippy stammered again, before pulling up his question again, "Are you Giggles' biological mother?"
"She was conceived from a donor," the cafeteria manager replied flatly, rubbing the back of her head, "I guess we got lucky when she turned out so similarly deadpan to me after the insemination process."
"Oh ok, then never mind," Flippy shrugged, walking off slowly as he continued on, "I was just going to ask if you have any advice for relationships, seeing that you had a daughter."
"Relationships?" she repeated, perking up at the word and laughing at the same time. "I can tell you tons about relationships, why didn't you just say so?"
"Okay then," Flippy lit up again, taking a deep breath. Splendid took a quick glance at him and the watch on his wrist, signalling him to hurry up so they could have lunch. "I was just wondering if you know anything about getting a girl to like me."
"Laughing, the mother said, "Oh, that's simple! All you have to do is break her hymen."
"The hy-what?" Splendid attempted to pronounce the new word, with no luck.
"I'm sorry miss, but what's this 'hymen' thing you speak of?" Flippy asked again, scratching his head in uncertainty.
"Well um," the mother constrained, attempting an answer appropriately simple for the novices, "A 'hymen' is a sheet of organic material that breaks when a firm rod strikes it hard enough, thereby causing a 'penetration'."
"Please elaborate," Splendid and Flippy requested, being now indulged into the subject.
"Uhhm…" she thought, being unable to give a friendly explanation to the males, looked around for any objects in the kitchen. She walked off the counter, taking a potato, some gravy and thick cottage cheese from the kitchen before walking back to proceed with the elaboration. "Allow me to visualize."
Holding the potato in her no dominant right hand, she dipped her left hand into the tub of gravy she carried over before sticking out her middle finger and jamming it into the bruised part of the baked potato, forcing it hard enough so that her middle ring finger can get to the other side of the vegetable. Letting go of the potato with the dominant hand, she took the tube of cottage cheese, squeezing a large portion onto the tip of her middle finger, but accidentally squeezed a particle worth off coordination, shooting it into one of her green irises, and forcing her to shake her head while squeezing her affected eye shut.
"Ohhhh…" the men observed in amazement, as if they had seen an extraterrestrial. "What el-"
"HEY!" an angry voice shouted from the back, "YOU'RE HOLDING UP THE GODDAMN LUNCH LINE, FAGS!"
"Ugh," the pink figure sighed, cleaning up the mess she made, "Well, that's all the sex education I can give for today. Next up!"
"Ok, thanks miss," Flippy walked off quickly away from the brewing conflict, and looking for his own lunch table. "That information was helpful, I'll definitely consider it next time!"
"Laters," she replied as she slapped on the slop for the next person in line.
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After a quick meal in the cafeteria, the pair set off again, deemed to look for more information about this 'breaking the hymen' process. Flippy was willing to break almost anything, however, to get a relationship initialized.
"Where are we going to find more information about this 'breaking the hymen' thing?" Flippy asked out loud, kicking a stone at his feet. "I'm still not sure over the potato-penetration-cheese ordeal."
"I don't know, I'm not a nerd that studies at a library all day," Splendid defended.
"Why don't we use a boxy white thingy that displays graphical images to help us instead?" Flippy suggested.
"A computer?" Splendid simplified, rubbing his chin. "You know, that might just work."
A quick walk across the street took them to their local library, being supervised by the halfwitted moose, Lumpy. As they walked in, the moose gave them a hard 'shh!' as the door creeked slightly, disturbing the nearly vacuum of space inside the orderly environment.
Sitting down at one of the computers, Flippy depressed the small power button on the monitor, sparking the screen to life. Double clicking on the Internet Explorer icon brought up Google, the default search engine of the library computers for ease of access.
"OK, let's see now…" Flippy mumbled to himself and Splendid indirectly, clicking on the search box, "I think she said, 'Breaking the hymen', right?"
"Yep," Splendid looped, helping his green pal punch some keys to input the data they desired and hitting the search button, bringing up the list of results for their search.
"Huh, let's see, 58 million results for 'breaking the hymen'," Flippy reported, scrolling down the browser page, before taking a notice at the suggestions box, "Huh, what's this? 'Did you mean: Popping your cherry?' what does that mean?"
"I don't know…" Splendid frowned, "Maybe it can help you to deeper extents, try it."
"Alright…" Flippy replied, clicking on the blue words with reluctance, showing up the next round of results. "Ah, 782 million results for 'Popping your cherry'."
"Dude, how can we search through all 782 million before we die?!" Splendid quipped at the seemingly infinite sum of pages brought up for them to observe.
"Eh, I think I'm just gonna click the 'I'm feeling lucky' button and see what comes up," Flippy strategized, "As long as we find what we need then it's all good."
"Well, alright," Splendid mumbled, watching the screen as the screen loaded up a new webpage.
"Let's see now," Flippy read out loud from the screen, "Welcome to , your site of online pleasuring adventures. By clicking 'OK', you agree to enter the page, beholding the disgusting acts that may disturb you for life."
"Click it, it can't be that bad," Splendid said, taking the mouse and clicking the red 'OK' button.
Watching as a movie clip loaded, they watched in amusement as the video screen turned from black to colour, where two figures, a male and a female in the nude, were pressing each other on a bed, engaging in a short kissing session before the man moved on to sliding his length into her and starting the act.
"OH, DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!" Splendid cursed out loud as he retreated slightly from his chair, ignoring the fact that he broke the silence rule.
"I don't know!" Flippy held back, trying to cover his eyes, "But this is clearly a horror movie!"
"Why do you insist?!" Splendid wailed, trying to calm down a bit, only earning another 'hush' from Lumpy.
"Dude, that lady is clearly getting stabbed between the legs with that thing of his!" Flippy informed, trying to observe the outcome and keeping his fragile mentality intact, "And she's clearly bleeding from it and- hey wait a minute, what is she doing now?!"
Flippy can only watch as the lady stuck her tongue down the urethra of the man. While he had no idea what it meant, the wave hit him like a fifty pound slap in the chest, causing him to fall out of his seat without his body's content. Splendid soon followed, unable to withstand what his frail mind just withheld in the moment being.
"WHAT THE FUCK!" both cursed, inciting Lumpy to give a more solid 'hush' to them this time unlike the previous.
"Turn it off, turn it off!" Flippy instructed, with the blue squirrel snapping into reaction almost instantaneously.
"I can't, I can't!" Splendid quipped, trying to click the red 'X' button, to no avail. "The 'X' button is grayed out!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Flippy shrieked, losing his temper as he smashed his fist through the monitor, cracking it nearly in half at his over the top reaction to a virtual video. He quickly grabbed his blue friend by the hand, hauling him out of the library by brute force alone.
"SCREW IT, I'M LEAVING BEFORE WE GET SCREWED… in our heads!" Flippy panted, clearly referring to the video they just watched as he dashed blindly onto the streets.
"I heard that!" Splendid affirmed, ignoring the fact that he was being dragged.
The pair continued until Flippy accidentally lost coordination and knocked over a lady walking on their shared sidewalk, sending her objects tumbling out onto the concrete with them following it. Flippy pulled himself up quickly and helped the lady get up, while Splendid got her purse for her.
"Terribly sorry miss," Flippy apologized sympathetically, dusting her off and handing over the purse, it's just that-"
He paused as he managed to get a clear look at her face. It was that stark moment when he realized that it was Flaky, standing right in front of him.
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Well? How is it so far? Terribly sorry if this isn't the type of romance desired, but I'll fix it if you want me to write something else of the genre.
Reviews are welcome- it will help improvement and the future chapters greatly.
Take care people, and happy summer! :)